The Seven

Jerry:Someone compliments your tie, and you're like, 'Thank you!' But the compliment isn't for you. It's for the tie. The tie is great, you're just the guy wearing it. But we accept it anyway. We take the compliment like we made the tie ourselves.

Jerry:Clothes exist solely to earn us undeserved praise.

Jerry:It's hard to get compliments on actual human qualities. Easier to be a bastard and just match colors.

Jerry:Look at this stuff. These are toys from when I was a kid. You know what's amazing? We survived. We actually survived playing with these things. This one right here? Sharp metal edges. No warning label. Just 'Hey kid, here's a toy with a blade on it. Have fun!' And we did! We didn't die. We're like a generation of lucky idiots.

George:Oh wow, look at this bike! This is beautiful. This is the bike I've been looking for. This is perfect!

George:Wait a minute... this is a girl's bike.

Jerry:What, you want me to go back to my paper route?

Jerry:I'm not responsible for other people's bicycles.

George:So let me get this straight. Your mother's sister is my... what exactly?

Ken:Nothing. You're nothing.

George:Well, maybe I'll just marry her!

Frank:What are you talking about?

George:I'll marry her. We'll have the baby, we'll move to the country, we'll raise our family...

Estelle:George, you're being ridiculous.

George:No, I'm serious! I'll marry her right now!

George:Joan? Joan?! What is she, a 60-year-old woman? Joan!

George:Soda. Soda Costanza. It's beautiful. You could call her Sody.

George:What's wrong with 'Soda'? It's a good name!

George:You know what sounds strange? Blanche. Nobody thinks twice about Blanche.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm lovin' every minute of it. I'm a problem solver. That's what I do. I solve problems.

Kramer:No, no, no. Not that mustard. I need the Dijon.

Jerry:Kramer, it's mustard.

Kramer:I don't care. I need the Dijon.

Kramer:Bush league, Jerry. Bush league.

Kramer:I need the big salad, the expensive one. And some of those little shrimp things.

Jerry:You know, Kramer, I'm not running a catering service here.

Kramer:Oh come on, Jerry. What's the big deal? You got the food.

Jerry:Yeah, I got the food. For me. You know, the guy who lives here and pays for it.

Kramer:So what are you saying?

Jerry:I'm saying, absolutely. Let me just clear out my apartment, put in a little counter, we'll call it Kramer's. I'll be your busboy.

Kramer:Well, we have an arrangement. You know, I use your kitchen, you use my shower.

Jerry:Yeah, well, the arrangement is off. You're using my food and I'm using... nothing. You have nothing in your fridge.

Jerry:So what happened to your neck?

George:I don't know, I woke up like this.

Jerry:Did you sleep on it wrong?

Jerry:Maybe you got into a fight in your sleep?

Jerry:Were you attacked by a very small, very determined squirrel?

Jerry:Did you try to open a pickle jar with your chin?

George:No, Jerry!

George:I'm in so much pain, I'm willing to make a dramatic gesture. I'm giving away Elaine's bike.

Kramer:You know, I had a girlfriend once who had a very similar condition. Her 'wise teacher' sold T-shirts near the World Trade Center.

Kramer:The T-shirt seller is actually trained in pediatrics

Jerry:Well, that's Kramer. He's like a really efficient serial killer.

George:The name is 'Seven'

George:The name is not a problem.

Susan:Not a problem? George, it's Seven.

George:So? Seven is a beautiful name. Mickey Mantle's number was seven.

Susan:You want to name our son after a baseball player?

George:Not just any baseball player. The greatest ballplayer who ever lived.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about the name Seven. It's a good name.

George:Seven? What are you, insane?

Jerry:What's wrong with Seven?

George:It's a number, Jerry. You can't name a kid Seven.

Jerry:Why not? It's strong. Powerful. Seven.

Kramer:I like it.

Jerry:See? Kramer likes it.

George:Kramer likes everything. He thought the homeless guy's name was funny.

Elaine:Seven is weird, Jerry.

Jerry:It's a lucky number.

George:Lucky? You know what happens? The kid goes to school, Seven is getting beat up every single day. Seven comes home with a black eye. 'What happened?' 'Dad, everybody's making fun of my name.' Then what do you do?

Jerry:He learns to fight.

George:Now you got a kid named Seven who's a street fighter. Next thing you know, he's running a chop shop in Queens. The cops show up. 'We're looking for Seven.' They find him. He's doing fifteen years in Sing Sing.

Jerry:So what you're saying is you just make up ridiculous names for everything?

George:Giddy-up! Banzai! The Bizzaro! These are names with character!

Jerry:What about food? 'The Tuna Surprise'? 'Chicken Cacophony'? 'The Bread Incident'?

George:Now you're getting it!

George:How do you do it, Jerry? How do you always get these beautiful women?

Jerry:I don't know. I just talk to them.

George:You just talk to them?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:That's it?

Jerry:That's it.

Jerry:You're mooching off me.

Kramer:I'm not mooching. I'm gonna bill you.

Jerry:Bill me? For what?

Kramer:For the food I ate.

Kramer:Oh, I'm getting that bike. It's a matter of honor.

George:The key to a woman's heart is the element of surprise. You give her three days, she thinks you're seeing other women. You give her three weeks, she thinks you're dead. Three days is the magic number.

George:It's all about the laundry cycle. You wear something, you throw it in the hamper, three days later it comes back clean. That's your window. Three days.

Jerry:You know, in television, they have a rule: you can't wear the same outfit twice in the same season.

George:So?

Jerry:So, I'm thinking, that's the same rule I have for dating. You can't wear the same outfit on a date twice in the same season.

Kramer:That's insane.

Jerry:It's not insane. It's television. And life, life is following television. Don't you see that we're just trying to be like TV?

George:I'm like Einstein. He wore the same outfit every day.

Jerry:Yeah, but he came up with the theory of relativity. What have you come up with?

George:I came up with a whole new approach to dating.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What's that?

George:Mickey? No. No, no, no, no, no. It's not a name. It's a mouse.

Kramer:You owe me fifty cents.

Jerry:For what?

Kramer:Half a can of soda.

Jerry:You're charging me for half a can of soda?

Kramer:Yeah, I opened it, you drank half of it.

Jerry:Kramer, once you open a soda, the whole thing is gone. That opening sound — that's the sound of ownership changing hands. That's like... that's the deed transfer. The moment I hear that crack and hiss, it's mine. I own it.

Jerry:You bite it, you bought it.

Jerry:I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Kramer:Oh, I know a guy.

Kramer:You know, I'm very disappointed in you. A bike is a beautiful thing. It's a living, breathing organism.

Elaine:It's not a living organism, Kramer.

Kramer:Well, to me it is. And you just killed it.

George:Seven. It's distinctive, it's lucky, it's got a little magic to it.

Susan:George, Ken and Carrie are naming their baby Seven.

George:What?!

Susan:They stole it from you.

George:The ying and the yang, okay? It's the essence of all things. It's a beautiful name!

Newman:Look at him, he's riding a girls' bike.

Elaine:Kramer! Kramer!

Elaine:What was she wearing?

Jerry:She couldn't see. She had a neck injury.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So? So I had to describe what I was doing!

Elaine:What do you mean?

Jerry:I'm like, 'Now I'm taking off my shirt. Now I'm taking off my pants. Now I'm approaching the bed.' I felt like a play-by-play announcer!

Elaine:Jerry, I need you to settle this. Kramer took my bike without asking.

Kramer:I was going to bring it back!

Elaine:You can't just take someone's bike, Kramer. That's theft!

Jerry:Why are you looking at me? I'm not a judge.

Elaine:You're the closest thing we have to a neutral party in this apartment.

Jerry:You know what would make the perfect judge? Someone completely heartless. No empathy, no sympathy, no human emotion whatsoever. Just pure logic and precedent. That's your ideal impartial mediator right there.

Newman:I'm a judge now. I take the law very seriously. You know what else I take seriously? The postal service. They're connected, you know. Law and order, postal service violations—it's all part of the same system.

George:Wait, wait, wait. We're talking about Soda here. You know, Soda? The beverage? How could anyone dislike Soda?

Ken:George, we moved on from this topic twenty minutes ago.

George:I don't care! Soda is perfect. It's carbonated, it's refreshing, it comes in flavors. What's not to like?

Carrie:Some people prefer water.

George:Water?! Water is what you drink when you've given up on life. Soda is hope in a can.

George:What about Seven? Seven is a good name. Or Eight. Nobody names their kid Eight anymore, but it's a solid number.

George:How about Nine? Nine's got a nice ring to it. Very numerical.

George:What do you think about the name Six? Six Costanza. That's distinguished.

Jerry:It's like Superman. He's got the same outfit every single day. The same outfit! Blue suit, red cape, same thing. Day after day, the same outfit. Who does that? I don't know any heterosexual male who would wear the same outfit two days in a row, let alone every single day.

George:We're still not deciding on a name. We can't agree on a name.

Ken:Well, you better decide soon. She's in labor.

George:I'm in labor too!

Newman:I'll tell you what. You both want the marble rye bread so badly, I'll cut it in half. Each of you gets half.

Elaine:You're cutting the marble rye in half?! That's insane! You can't cut a marble rye in half!

Newman:You know, I've been thinking about this bike situation. You really want it that badly?

Kramer:Newman, I can't let you destroy it. That bike means something.

Newman:Well, if it means that much to you, I suppose I should give it to you. After all, if I destroy it, you suffer. But if I give it to you, I suffer knowing you have it. So really, giving it to you is the more painful choice for me.

Kramer:So you're giving me the bike?

Newman:I'm giving you the bike.

Elaine:This is so unfair! Why does everyone judge me like this?

Kramer:Yeah, well, that's life.

Kramer:Giddy up!

Jerry:Wait a minute. She's wearing the same dress again? She wore this exact same dress last week.

Jerry:Oh my God. She owns multiples. She owns multiple copies of the same dress.

Jerry:I have to see the whole thing. The bra coming off, the underwear coming off, everything.

Jerry:I'm planning this out like a military operation. I need to know what order things come off in.

Jerry:Do I look away during the shirt? Do I maintain eye contact? What if there's a strategic pause?

Jerry:I could screw this up. One wrong move and she puts something back on.

Christie:You have to leave.

Jerry:But I don't understand. What is it? What's wrong with me?

Christie:There's nothing wrong with you.

Jerry:Well, there's gotta be something. Nobody breaks up with me without telling me what it is.

Christie:I really can't tell you.

Jerry:Is it my hair?

George:I'm her fiancé! We're practically married!

Hospital Staff:Sir, you need to be immediate family.

George:Well, what if I told you we were engaged in premarital relations?

Hospital Staff:That doesn't help your case.

George:It's a beautiful thing between two people... Anyway, did you see the Orioles game? Down by seven in the ninth inning!

Jerry:Christie, I can't see you anymore.

Christie:Why? What's wrong?

Jerry:It's just... it's not working out. But before we end this, I have to know - that dress you wore last week, was that a new dress?

Christie:Are you seriously asking me about a dress right now?

Jerry:I just need to know. It looked different. Did you get it altered?

Kramer:You know, Jerry, they call me 'Hobo Joe' down at the coffee shop.

Jerry:Hobo Joe?

Kramer:Yeah, because I come in, I order coffee, I sit there for hours, and I don't buy anything else.

Kramer:So they started calling me Hobo Joe.

Kramer:Oh, and here's the bill.

Newman:I've made some modifications to my bike. Added a basket, streamers on the handlebars, and a little bell.

Newman:It's a girls' bike, but I've upgraded it. Now it's a women's bike.

Elaine:Newman! Newman, stop! Give me back my bike! Newman!

Elaine:Help! Someone help me! He's got my bike!

Jerry:Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these like Superman?

Christie · Jerry:Do you mind if we go back to my apartment so I can change? / Change? Yes, I think that's a super idea.

George · Carrie/Companion:You know, the thing is, I kind of promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. / Now's not the best time, George. / It's just that I know her. / George, she's in labour. / So am l.

Newman:Well, you both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man. But I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you.

Newman · Elaine · Kramer:We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you. / What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike? / All right. Fine, fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half. / No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belong to another than see it destroyed. / Newman, give it to her. I beg you.

Elaine · Kramer · Newman:What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike? / All right. Fine, fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half. / No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belong to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her. I beg you. / Not so fast, Elaine. Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours.

Kramer:Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.

Kramer:Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.

Christie · Jerry:Well, I guess I'll go change. / Yes, change. By all means, change.

Jerry:August 17th, 1992. The same dress. She never changes. Oh, my God. She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses. There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.

Jerry:You know, I'm kind of tired myself. I'll just sleep here on the couch. In the morning, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. I'll be in the same clothes. You'll be in different clothes, as it's your place. We'll go down. Me in my same clothes, you in different clothes.

Jerry · Christie:Wanna throw something on, walk me to a cab? / Get out. / Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.

George · Carrie:You're really being very selfish. Be nice if you'd think of someone other than yourself. / I'm having a baby. / You're not getting Seven. / Now, get out of here. / Please, I have so little.

George · Hospital Staff:I'm sorry, sir. Family only. / I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin.

George:Seven! Seven!

Jerry:Hello, Christie. I was wondering if we could get together again. / Oh, really? / You can't break up with me over the phone. You gotta do this in person. It doesn't have to be one-on-one. Bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Don't hang up on me. Why do you always wear the same dress? Hello?

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. / All right, Hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your smorgasbord. But it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.

Kramer · Jerry:I know, pretty steep. / Well, I don't have this kind of cash. / Few do. / I'm good for it. / Yeah, well, until this bill is paid, the food court is closed.

Elaine · Newman:Hey, that's my bike. / Gangway. / This is my bike. / Oh, no. No, no, no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks. Can you believe it?

Newman:I had to make some minor modifications. Solid tires, reinforced seat post, heavy-duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

Elaine · Kramer:No, you gotta give me back that bike. Newman, give it. / Elaine, Elaine. Help me. Help me. Help. Help. Help.