The Rye

Elaine:He's a musician! He might write a song about me!

Elaine:Elaine, Elaine, she's got it all, a penthouse apartment and a diamond necklace so bright, she drives a Mercedes and her legs go on forever, Elaine, Elaine, my one true love, my soulmate, my reason for living!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. He's attractive, he's successful, he's attentive... What's the catch?

Elaine:There is no catch! He's perfect!

Jerry:Nobody's perfect, Elaine. Nobody. I once dated a woman, seemed great, but she had a habit of referring to the bathroom as 'the throne room.' I couldn't do it.

Elaine:That's ridiculous!

Jerry:Is it? Or is it rational? That's the real question. You know what this guy is? He's like the sponge. Remember the sponge?

Elaine:The sponge was great.

Jerry:It was perfect. But they discontinued it. And now you're stuck with whatever inferior product is available. That's what'll happen with this guy. Mark my words.

Jerry:So come on, what happened?

Elaine:Well... we were very close.

Jerry:Close? What do you mean close?

Elaine:You know... close.

Jerry:I don't know what that means.

Elaine:We were... intimate.

Elaine:He just lies there like a dead fish. No enthusiasm, no passion, nothing!

Jerry:Well, what do you want him to do? He's already horizontal. That's pretty much the whole thing right there.

Kramer:Jerry, I need you to help me carry these groceries up.

Jerry:Kramer, what is all this stuff?

Kramer:Oh, I found a sale. Fifty boxes of cereal, thirty jars of mayonnaise, two hundred rolls of paper towels...

Jerry:Why would you buy two hundred rolls of paper towels?

Kramer:They were a dollar a roll, Jerry! A dollar!

Jerry:What is this, a can of tuna or a scientific research facility?

Kramer:Could you give me a hand with these groceries?

Clyde:I can't risk my hands. These are my livelihood.

Susan:Can you zip up my dress?

George:Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

Frank:You think I'm gonna walk in there looking like some kind of schmo? I'm wearing the bro.

George:Dad, you can't wear a bro to meet Susan's parents.

Frank:Why not? It's comfortable, it's practical. You know what? I'll tell you what - you go out there, you conduct a little research. You go around the city, you ask people about ties. See what they say.

George:I'm not conducting tie research!

Frank:Then don't tell me what to wear!

Estelle:George, what do you think? Is your father's tie too loud?

George:Mom, I think... it's a tie. It goes around your neck. It's doing its job.

Frank:See? See? The boy understands!

Estelle:Oh, so now you're taking his side?

George:I'm not taking anybody's side. I'm Switzerland.

Frank:I'm going to Schnitzer's, getting the marble rye. The good bread.

Estelle:Frank, we have bread at home.

Frank:Not like this. This is the marble rye. When you serve marble rye, you're showing taste.

Elaine:Wait, 'hot and heavy'? What does that even mean? Are we... is this serious? I mean, we've been seeing each other, but 'hot and heavy' sounds like we're in some kind of committed thing. When did that happen? Did I miss a memo?

Elaine:Oh God, what if he thinks we're exclusive? What if his mother thinks we're exclusive? What if *my* mother thinks we're exclusive? I haven't even told my mother about John!

Elaine:And 'hot and heavy'... that's very... that's very... *specific*. That's not casual. That's not 'we're seeing where this goes.' That's 'we're going somewhere.'

Jerry:You're like a squirrel in the park. I'm trying to approach you, but you keep running away. And every time I get close, you do that thing where you freeze and look around nervously.

Elaine:I do not do that!

Jerry:Yes, you do. You're a squirrel, Elaine. A very attractive squirrel, but a squirrel nonetheless.

Kramer:Giddyup!

George:That was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Ross.

Mr. Ross:My wife didn't make that. I made that.

George:Oh...

Mr. Ross:And it wasn't that wonderful.

Frank:What is this, the little chicken?

Mr. Ross:It's Cornish hen.

Frank:Why do they call it that?

Mr. Ross:I don't know, that's just what it is.

Frank:Well, I call it a little chicken. What's the difference?

Frank:How hard is it to hunt a Cornish game hen? It's the size of a pigeon!

George:Your library is incredible, Mr. Ross. All these books. You must be incredibly well-read.

Mr. Ross:Well, thank you, George.

Mrs. Ross:He doesn't read any of them.

Frank:The chicken is a very complicated bird. You got your roosters, you got your hens, you got your capons. Each one has its own... how do I put this... sexual identity.

Frank:The rooster, he's the king. He knows what he wants. The hen, she's submissive, always waiting for the rooster to make the first move.

Frank:But the capon? The capon is confused. He's got no idea what he is anymore. No wonder the meat is so tender.

Frank:There's a gap in chicken sexual dynamics.

Mr. Ross:You know, I think you're right.

Frank:You know, I was watching this movie, Firestorm. There's a helicopter scene in it.

George:Frank! Why would you tell me that? I haven't seen it!

Frank:It doesn't matter. You're not going to see it anyway.

George:That's not the point! You just ruined it for me!

Kramer:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Central Park. Now, this park was designed by two guys named Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux. They won a design competition in 1858. Now, over here we have Bethesda Terrace, built in 1872 by the same team who designed the Brooklyn Bridge. And that fountain you see there? That was a gift from the King of Sweden in 1895. He was very grateful to New York because we gave him refuge during the Crimean War.

Kramer:If you look to your right, you'll see Bow Bridge. Named after a famous archer named Bow who saved the city from invading pirates in 1776. He was also, incidentally, the first postmaster of New York and an accomplished violinist.

John:♪ Hot and heavy, hot and heavy... ♪

John:Yeah, I wrote this song years ago. It's called 'Hot and Heavy.'

Frank:No dessert?! No dessert?! What kind of people invite you to dinner and don't serve dessert? These are barbarians! They're like animals! I'm sitting there, I've eaten the main course, I'm ready for something sweet, and what do I get? Nothing! A plate! An empty plate! You know what this is? This is a travesty! This is an outrage! I've been to prisons with better dessert service than this!

Frank:You sit down, you have your coffee, you want a little cake with it. What's wrong with that? It's a simple pleasure!

Frank:But no! No cake! You gotta suffer through your coffee like some kind of animal!

Estelle:Frank, it's just coffee.

Frank:Just coffee?! JUST COFFEE?! This is a tragedy, Estelle! A man without cake is like a fish without a bicycle!

George:Wait, where's the bread we brought?

Susan:Your mother said she'd put it out.

Estelle:I was going to, but then I saw it was that fancy bread from Zabar's...

Frank:So I took it back.

George:You took it back? Why would you take it back?

Frank:Because it wasn't being served! You bring a nice bread, it gets served. You bring a nice bread, it sits on the counter, that's theft!

Frank:Intentional? Of course it was intentional! You think they just forgot the bread?

Frank:They know I like bread. They KNOW this about me.

Frank:This is a message. A statement. They're telling me I'm not welcome there anymore.

Frank:Next thing you know, they'll be serving the meal on a single plate. For everyone. Sharing utensils.

Frank:It's psychological warfare, George. And I won't stand for it!

Jerry:So someone's stealing bread from the office? That's... that's a bread thief. We have a bread thief.

Kramer:Well, you know, the horse, he likes the canned food. So I'm thinking, why not make a jingle? Here goes: 'My horse loves beans, beans are very fine, my horse loves beans, and so does mine!'

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. We're going to replace the bread?

George:Yes! It's perfect. Nobody will know the difference.

Jerry:George, this is insane. This is the kind of thing that always blows up in our faces.

George:Not this time. I've thought it through.

Jerry:You know what this is? This is a Seinfeld. This is one of those things where we start with bread and somehow end up in a completely different situation that makes no sense.

Jerry:Did Clyde tell John about the hot-and-heavy comment?

Elaine:Oh, he told him. Not only did he tell him, John turned it into a song.

Elaine:You know what? Karma is real, Jerry. It's coming for you. All those women, all the relationships you've sabotaged, all the casual cruelty... the universe doesn't forget.

Jerry:Oh please, karma isn't real.

Elaine:Oh it's real. And one day you're going to meet someone, and you're going to love her more than anything in the world. And she's going to leave you. For no reason. Just like you do to everyone else.

Elaine:You know, Jerry, with all the terrible things you've done to women, I'm surprised you haven't been struck by lightning or something.

Jerry:What are you talking about? I haven't done anything terrible. I'm a good person.

Elaine:You dump women on a whim. You make up excuses. You lie constantly.

Jerry:That's not terrible, that's just dating. Besides, karma doesn't exist. The universe is random and indifferent to human behavior.

George:I need some water.

Mr. Ross:We have no bread.

George:Where is he? Where is Kramer? He's supposed to be here!

George:This is typical. This is so typical. I depend on Kramer for one thing, one crucial thing, and he can't even show up on time.

George:What was I thinking? What kind of judgment is that? 'Oh, I'll get Kramer to help me.' Kramer! The man who doesn't knock, who barges into my apartment at all hours!

George:And now I'm standing here like an idiot waiting for him. This is my life. This is what I've become.

Jerry:Excuse me, ma'am? That marble rye you have there - I really need it. I'm willing to pay extra.

Old Lady:No, this is mine. I've been coming here for thirty years.

Jerry:Thirty years? I'll give you fifty dollars for it.

Old Lady:Absolutely not.

Jerry:A hundred dollars. That's more than the bread costs!

Old Lady:It's not about the money, young man.

Jerry:Two hundred? I'm begging you here. This bread is crucial to my entire evening.

Old Lady:Find another bakery.

Jerry:There is no other bakery! You don't understand what you're holding. That's not just bread - that's my future!

Jerry:I'm telling you, she wouldn't budge on the rye. Ninety-nine cents, she said. I said I'd give her eighty. She looked at me like I was crazy.

Old Lady:It's a marble rye! You don't negotiate on a marble rye!

Jerry:So what'd I do? I mugged her.

Elaine:I never said we were hot-and-heavy. I mean, think about it — what does that even mean? We can't be hot AND heavy. If you're hot, you're sweating, you're losing water weight. You'd be getting lighter, not heavier.

John:That's not what it means.

Elaine:Well, what does it mean then?

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer is eating Beef-a-Reeno directly from a can, surrounded by 50 cans of it. 'That's Beef-a-Reeno. And I got 50 cans.'

Kramer:So I got us this beautiful carriage ride through the park for your anniversary.

Mr. Ross:This is wonderful, Kramer. Thank you.

Mrs. Ross:It's so romantic.

Kramer:I know, I know. The horse, he ate a whole can of Beef-a-Reeno earlier.

Mr. Ross:Beef-a-Reeno? For a horse?

Kramer:Well, I had some left over...

Horse:*loud digestive sounds*

Mrs. Ross:Oh my God!

Mr. Ross:This is disgusting!

Kramer:I didn't think it would affect him that much...

Kramer:I sincerely apologize for the unfortunate equine flatulence incident during our carriage expedition.

Jerry:I can't get in there with this bread!

George:What do you mean you can't get in? Just open the door.

Jerry:I can't! My hands are full!

George:So put the bread down.

Jerry:I can't put it down, it'll get ruined.

George:Well what do you want to do?

Jerry:I'm going to use the fishing line. I'll lower it from the window.

George:You can't use a fishing rod to get a rye bread! You need a bakery hook, something with a little give to it. A fishing rod is too rigid. The bread will tear. You want something with finesse, a little delicacy.

George:Look at the bag.

Jerry:What?

George:It says Monk's Cafe on the bag. This is the right bakery.

George:George's panic monologue at 7:01: 'What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I have made such a stupid mistake? He'll never show up.'

George:'There he is. Right on time, as usual.' (Kramer arrives exactly at 7:01 after George's panic.)

Jerry · Elderly Woman:Jerry tries to buy the last marble rye from a woman at Schnitzer's, escalating to offering her $50 for a $6 bread.

Jerry · Elderly Woman:Jerry physically wrestles the old woman for the marble rye: 'Give me that rye.' / 'Stop it.' / 'I want that rye, lady.' / 'Help! Someone help!' / 'Shut up, you old bag.' / 'Stop, thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my marble rye.'

Elaine · John Germaine:Elaine shows up at John's dressing room to explain the 'hot-and-heavy' situation, opening with: 'I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got your big showcase... I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry "hot-and-heavy." I didn't think we were hot-and-heavy. I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?'

Elaine:Elaine barges into John's dressing room before his big showcase to tell him she never said 'hot-and-heavy' — 'who's hot and who's heavy?'

John Germaine · Elaine:John reveals he was EXCITED that Clyde told him they were hot-and-heavy: 'I was excited when Clyde told me that.'

John Germaine · Elaine:John proposes 'adding a new number to my repertoire' after the hot-and-heavy reconciliation — strongly implying he's ready to do 'everything.'

Elaine · John Germaine:Long gap ([16:35] to [17:19]) — 44 seconds of Elaine and John offscreen, followed by someone on the hansom cab asking 'What is that?'

Mr. Ross · Mrs. Ross · Kramer:The horse farts in the hansom cab, forcing the Rosses to flee: 'What is that?' / 'I think it's the horse.' / 'Oh, my God.' / 'This is really intolerable.'

Mrs. Ross:Mrs. Ross demands: 'Get me out of this thing! Turn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here. And hurry it up.'

Kramer:Kramer apologizes with excessive formality: 'I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the intestinal workings of the equine will function.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:'The horse is gassy.' / 'Must've been the Beef-a-Reeno.' / 'Beef-a-Reeno?' / 'You fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno?' / 'Well, I overbought.'

George · Kramer:George reveals Kramer only gave the horse one can: 'How much did you give him?' / 'Just a can.' / 'He really liked it, though.'

Jerry · George:Jerry on the street, unable to enter the Rosses' building with the rye, shouts up: 'Yeah, what do you want me to do with this?' / 'I can't come out. They're right by the door. Throw it.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah, it's the only way. Come on.'

Jerry · George:Jerry and George attempt to fish the rye up to the window on a hook: 'I never baited a hook with a rye before.' / 'Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin.'

Jerry · George · Mr. Ross · Mrs. Ross:The rye bread rises past the Rosses' window on a fishing line, labeled 'Schnitzer's' — visible to all.

John Germaine:Final shot: 'Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.' — the show plays on as the Seinfeld plot catastrophe concludes offscreen.