The Gum

Jerry:Gum is like a stationary bike for your jaw.

Jerry:You know what I never understood? Teachers hating gum. When you're a kid, your teacher tells you 'No gum in class!' Like gum is some kind of dangerous substance. But when you're an adult, nobody cares. You can chew gum anywhere. And you know why? Because gum makes you look unimpressed with everything. You're sitting there chewing gum, you look like nothing in the world can touch you. You could be in the most important meeting of your life, you're chewing gum, you look like you're waiting for the bus.

Jerry:You know, people have this dismissive attitude toward major historical events. Like, 'Oh, the Civil War? Whatever.' 'The Holocaust? I'm chewing gum.' It's like nothing matters anymore.

George:Maybe she's happy because I never talk to her.

Jerry:That's it.

Jerry:This theater is stinky.

Kramer:Yeah, well it smells even worse after the renovation.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about this business idea. We get somebody who's an expert on obscure movies, and we set up a whole thing where people call in with questions about their favorite films.

Jerry:Kramer, nobody cares about obscure movies. And who would pay for that?

Kramer:Well, movie buffs, Jerry. There's a whole community out there.

Jerry:The only community interested in obscure movies is the one that can't get dates.

Kramer:You know, going to the movies is like taking a pill. You gotta swallow it whole, you can't break it up. If you break it up, it doesn't work the same way.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Well, if you take a pill and you break it in half, it's not as effective. Same thing with a movie — you gotta take it all at once.

Jerry:That's not how pills work.

Kramer:Well, some pills you can break in half. But this one pill I took, if you break it in half, you're up all night. Your heart's racing, you can't sleep...

Kramer:I'm helping Lloyd with his recovery.

Jerry:Oh, that's great. I feel so much better now.

Lloyd:Would you like a piece of gum?

Jerry:Oh, a piece of gum! Yes, thank you. I've been waiting all day for someone to offer me gum. Finally, my prayers have been answered. A piece of gum. I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for this generous gift of gum?

Lloyd:You want a piece of gum?

George:No, I don't chew gum.

Lloyd:You sure? It's fresh.

George:I'm sure. I don't chew gum.

Lloyd:Come on, just one piece.

George:No!

Lloyd:It'll make your breath fresh.

George:I don't chew gum!

Lloyd:Everybody chews gum.

George:Well I don't!

Kramer:Lloyd's in the building!

Kramer:He can find gum anywhere. It's a gift.

George:Wait, wait, wait. Did you count that? Did you actually count the change? Because I'm telling you, they're doing it on purpose now. They're trained to do it. They give you back your change real fast, hoping you won't notice they shorted you a nickel. A nickel! That's five cents of my money!

Kramer:Lo mein-y

Elaine:Oh my God, what if I caused it? What if something I did made him have a breakdown?

Elaine:I was really affected by the breakup.

Jerry:Yeah, well Lloyd became like you.

Elaine:What do you mean?

Jerry:Crazy.

Jerry:So your parents are away?

George:Yeah, they're in Florida.

Jerry:And you're not going with them?

George:No, I'm staying here.

Jerry:Why? Don't you want to see them?

George:Of course I do. I'm just... I'm deliberately avoiding them right now.

George:It belonged to Jon Voight.

Mr. Lazzari:Jon Voight?

George:Yeah, or... something like that.

George:Hey! I haven't seen you in years!

George:You look... exactly the same. That's great.

George:So, uh, remember when we used to... you know, have fun?

George:Those were the days. We should do that again sometime.

George:I'm still... I'm still that same guy.

Kramer:Lloyd's a very capable man. He's gonna do great things.

Elaine:I can't, Lloyd. Jerry needs me to help him pick out glasses.

Lloyd:But Jerry doesn't wear glasses.

Elaine:He will.

Lloyd:What's with the glasses?

Kramer:They look good on him.

Lloyd:He's got terrible eyesight.

Kramer:So what? A lot of people wear glasses.

Elaine:I just can't be around him. He makes me uncomfortable.

Jerry:Oh, well that settles it then. Let's just rearrange the entire world so Elaine is comfortable.

Jerry:I mean, everyone's a little crazy, right?

Elaine:Yeah, nobody's normal.

George:My father's not crazy. He's Pop.

Jerry:My father's having a breakdown.

George:My father's having a breakdown.

Jerry:We're all having breakdowns.

Jerry:So your father lost his business?

George:Yeah, he had a nervous breakdown. Cost him everything.

Jerry:A breakdown cost him his livelihood?

George:That's right.

George:I gotta go. I gotta get back to my parents' house.

Jerry:Why? What's going on?

George:My father's working on the car.

Jerry:So?

George:So? He just had a heart attack!

George:Dad, what are you doing? You're gonna break something!

Frank:I know what I'm doing!

George:No you don't! Stop, stop, STOP!

Lloyd:You remember, Jerry? You told me you forgot your glasses.

Jerry:Right, right, my glasses. I forgot them.

Lloyd:So where are they?

Jerry:They're... at home. I left them at home.

Lloyd:But you're wearing glasses.

Jerry:These are... different glasses. Backup glasses.

Lloyd:So what did Jerry think of the gum?

Kramer:Oh, he loved it. He said it was the best gum he ever chewed.

Lloyd:Really?

Kramer:Yeah, he said, 'Kramer, this gum is sensational.'

Jerry:What's wrong with the light?

Elaine:It's broken. But that's not the problem.

Jerry:What is the problem?

Elaine:I went to see a movie last night. Front row seating. My neck is killing me.

Jerry:Front row? Why would you sit in the front row?

Elaine:It was all that was left! And I had to keep looking up the whole time. I felt like I was at the dentist.

George:You know what bothers me? All this water we're wasting. People are taking showers, washing cars, watering lawns... it's ridiculous.

Jerry:George, what do you care? You don't even have a lawn.

George:That's not the point! It's the principle. We're destroying the planet.

Elaine:Since when are you an environmentalist?

George:Since someone parked in my spot and I've been circling the block for twenty minutes!

George Costanza:Officer, I need to file a complaint. This man right here, he's been looking at me funny.

Police Officer:Looking at you funny? That's a serious offense. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop looking at this man.

Kramer:I got these glasses made special for you.

Jerry:What are these for?

Kramer:So when you're lying, you put these on. Nobody can tell.

Jerry:Kramer, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Kramer:No, no, it works. I'm telling you, it works.

Jerry:So now I need props to lie?

Jerry:I'm not wearing fake glasses.

Kramer:Lloyd would be very hurt if he knew you didn't want to wear them.

Jerry:Lloyd?

Kramer:Yeah, Lloyd Braun. He's very sensitive about these things.

Jerry:Fine, fine. I'll wear the glasses.

George:You know, I think that cashier shortchanged me. I'm telling you, I counted it three times.

George:So here's what I did - I took out my pen and I started drawing little doodles on the bills.

George:Now when I go back, I'll know which ones are mine because they have my artwork on them.

George:It's foolproof. Nobody else is gonna have a little smiley face on the corner of a twenty.

Lloyd:I thought you said you didn't chew gum.

George:I don't. I chew it once and throw it out.

George:You know what? I'm gonna remember this. I'm gonna remember your face, and I'm gonna remember this moment. And one day, years from now, when you're old and gray, sitting in some nursing home, I'm gonna walk in there and remind you of this exact moment. And you're gonna feel terrible.

Kramer:You know, I think Christmas has become too commercialized. All these gifts, decorations, shopping... It's overwhelming.

Jerry:So what are you saying, we should just forget about it?

Kramer:No, no. I'm saying we reduce it to its essence. Just you, me, some gum, and the friendship we share.

Jerry:Gum?

Kramer:Gum! It's the perfect gift. You chew it, you enjoy it, it's gone. No clutter, no regrets.

Lloyd:I can get you gum. I know a guy.

Jerry:That's okay, I don't need gum.

Lloyd:No, no, I insist. I can get you gum.

Jerry:Really, I'm fine without gum.

Lloyd:She keeps unbuttoning her blouse. I think she's coming on to me.

Kramer:Lloyd, she's got a problem with her buttons.

Lloyd:I'm aware of the button problem. That's the come-on!

Jerry:I didn't see anything.

Lloyd:You didn't see anything? You missed the whole thing! It was incredible!

Deena:You're irritable, you're miserable, you're a misanthrope.

George:I am NOT a misanthrope!

Deena:See? You're doing it right now.

Deena:I think you're not taking this relationship seriously.

George:What are you talking about? I'm completely focused on us.

Deena:Really? Because it seems like you're always distracted by something else.

George:That's not true. I'm listening to every word you say.

Deena:Then what did I just say?

George:You said... you said something very important.

Deena:See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! You're not even paying attention!

George:I am! I swear! Now can we please turn the TV down? The Knicks are down by three.

George:Don't gallop away!

George:You gotta rein in your spending, Jerry. You're like a horse that just bolts whenever it sees an open gate.

Jerry:A horse? I'm a horse now?

George:You know what I mean. You need to put the brakes on, control yourself. Stop throwing money around like you're feeding a horse.

Jerry:I'm still confused about the horse.

George:The point is, you can't just let the reins go slack every time you see something you want. You'll end up broke.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, a horse walks into a bar, the bartender says 'Why the long face?'

George:No, no, no. The horse is there because it's been framed. Someone drew a mustache on the money.

Jerry:And the horse knows this how?

George:The horse was in the stables. The stables are connected to the back of the bar. It's all one big operation.

Jerry:A money-laundering horse stable bar. That's the business model?

George:It's foolproof. Who suspects a horse?

Jerry:Oh, hello, Elaine. Welcome to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage... Elaine 'The Chest' Benes!

Elaine:Oh, shut up!

Elaine:So I'm getting dressed for work, and I reach for my favorite blouse, right? And the button just falls off. Just like that. So I'm thinking, okay, I'll sew it back on. But then I realize I don't have a needle and thread. So I go to the store to buy a needle and thread. But they don't have the exact shade of thread I need. So I have to go to three different stores. By the time I find the right thread, I've spent forty-five minutes and seven dollars. For a button that probably cost a nickel.

Jerry:What, you think you ate your button? Like it fell in your soup and you just... slurped it down?

Elaine:It's not funny, Jerry. This button came from my grandmother.

Jerry:So what you're telling me is your grandmother's heirloom is now floating around in your digestive system somewhere?

Jerry:These glasses are killing me.

Kramer:Why don't you just take them off?

Jerry:I can't, I'm in the middle of a scene. I'm playing a pirate.

Kramer:A pirate? What are you doing in a pirate costume?

Jerry:It's for a commercial. And I have to maintain character the entire time.

Kramer:Well, can't you ask them to adjust the glasses?

Jerry:No, no, no. I'm a professional. The glasses stay on. Besides, I'm really getting into this. I'm channeling a certain je ne sais quoi of the nautical persuasion.

Jerry:This button is spanking!

George:You know, you're like a horse that won't take the bit. I'm trying to help you here.

Cashier:I don't know what you're talking about.

George:That's the problem! You're stubborn as a mule. And another thing — I've got a meter running out there. This is costing me real money!

Cashier:Then maybe you should leave.

George:Oh, that's real nice. Very helpful. You know what? You're not a horse, you're a burro. A burro that won't budge.

Ruthie Cohen:Your car is on fire.

Ruthie Cohen:Merry Christmas.

Kramer:So what happened to the car?

George:It's dead. Gone. Finished. She was a good car—reliable, dependable. We had some good times together. But like all things, she had to go. And now she's in that great junkyard in the sky.

Lloyd:I want to buy this hot dog.

George:You have to be insane to eat that hot dog.

Kramer:The hot dog is perfectly safe! I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with it!

Kramer:You want proof? Fine. I'll eat it myself.

Kramer:This hot dog has a very nice bouquet. Notes of cumin, a hint of cardamom. Oh, there's a little... there's a little chutney situation happening here. Very subtle.

Hose Man:You're the guy who complained about my hose!

George:Wait, wait, let me explain—

Hose Man:Oh, you want to explain?

Jerry:Wow, you're soaking wet. What happened?

Elaine:I got caught in the rain.

Jerry:Well, you know, on the bright side, at least now people can see what you're working with.

Kramer:So what's going on with you and that guy?

Elaine:Nothing's going on. I'm just trying to help him move.

Kramer:Help him move? Oh yeah, help him move!

Elaine:No, really. He's moving to a new apartment.

Kramer:Sure, sure. Very clever.

Kramer:You know, there are rules in the theater. You don't talk, you don't eat, you don't do certain things.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Kramer:You were acting like we were at some kind of swing joint!

George:You see, a horse is like a woman. You gotta treat it right, feed it, give it attention.

Deena:So you're saying I'm a horse?

George:No, no, it's a metaphor! I'm saying the relationship is like training a horse.

Deena:So I need a saddle and bridle?

George:Why do you always take everything so literally?

Elaine:So you're saying the Yankees, the Post Office, and the FDA are all working together?

George:Not just them. The dry cleaners too. And my landlord. And whoever invented the question mark.

George:Jerry! Jerry, wait up!

Jerry:I'm sorry, do I know you?

George:It's me, George! Why are you wearing those glasses?

Jerry:I don't want to get involved.

George:You're my character witness! You can't just put on glasses and pretend you don't know me!

Jerry:Watch me.

Deena:If Jerry's wearing glasses, he must need them to see.

George:Oh, so now Jerry's been lying to us this whole time? He's been deceiving Lloyd too? This is a conspiracy, I'm telling you. A conspiracy!

Lloyd:I need gum. Lots of gum.

Store Clerk:How much gum are we talking about here?

Lloyd:All of it. Every piece you have.

Store Clerk:Sir, that's... that's insane.

Jerry:They want me to wear a pirate outfit.

George:A pirate? What kind of pirate?

Jerry:I don't know, the kind with the hat and the hook.

George:You'd make a great pirate.

Jerry:Why?

George:Because you're ruthless. And you don't care about people's feelings.

Jerry:That's not a pirate, that's just me on a bad day.

George:Well they should have you as Captain Hook. You've got the hook.

Jerry:I don't have a hook.

George:Not yet. But you're developing one.

Jerry:Yeah.

George:I'd like a pack of gum, please.

Store Clerk:That'll be a dollar.

George:Here you go.

Store Clerk:What is this?

George:It's a twenty.

Store Clerk:You drew on this.

George:So?

Store Clerk:So I can't take this.

George:Why not? It spends the same.

George:I had the twenty the whole time.

George:I owe Ruthie an apology. All that harassment for nothing.

George:It's a World War I soldier. See, I'm wounded, I'm crawling through the trenches...

Jerry:George, you're just wearing a bathrobe.

George:Exactly! That's the genius of it. The bathrobe represents the deterioration of the uniform after months of combat. The stains are blood and mud. This hole here? Shrapnel.

Jerry:It's a coffee stain from this morning.

George:No, no, no—that's what I'm telling you. I've inhabited this soldier so completely, I can't distinguish between reality and his trauma anymore. I AM him.

Kramer:He's not here.

Jeffrey Haarwood:Where is he?

Kramer:He ran out of here like his hair was on fire.

Kramer:Oh, I got it, I got it.

Elaine:What are you doing?

Kramer:I'm gonna get your button.

Elaine:Well, just be careful.

Kramer:Oh, don't worry about it.

Kramer:You know, Elaine needs some romantic companionship.

Jerry:Yeah, she really does.