The Sponge

Jerry:Glasses make you look intelligent. But hearing aids? That's the opposite. That says 'I can't hear.' It's not like people see a hearing aid and go, 'Oh, he must be a great listener.'

George:I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help fight AIDS.

George:Living next door to you is hard enough.

Jerry:I'm a taker. I know this about myself. So I should be with a giver. That way it balances out, right?

Jerry:But what if the giver gets tired of giving? Then you got two takers and one giver left behind. That's a problem.

Jerry:So you need another giver to offset the new taker. But now you got three people! And one of them is gonna leave, creating another taker...

Jerry:Before you know it, you got twelve people, everyone's angry, someone's throwing furniture out a window. It's bedlam!

Jerry:I told her I got the number from a speedboat.

Jerry:A speedboat! What was I thinking?

George:You know, I think chemistry is really important in a relationship.

Elaine:Chemistry? I took chemistry in high school. I got a C minus. I mixed two things together and it exploded.

George:That's not what I mean.

Elaine:Well, that's chemistry to me.

Jerry:I don't know! Some woman gave me the number. I don't remember her name.

Jerry:It could start with a Q. There's gotta be people with names that start with Q.

George:You know, I've been meaning to ask you about something. How is it possible that you wear a 31 waist? I mean, look at you.

Jerry:What do you mean? That's my size.

George:No, it's not. I've seen you eat. There's no way you're a 31.

Jerry:Well, that's what the label says.

George:The label? You mean the label that comes with the jeans? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, you're not actually a 31?

Jerry:What are you saying?

George:I'm saying you changed the label! You're a 33, maybe a 34, and you took a 31 label and sewed it in there!

Jerry:I would never do that.

George:Oh, come on! It's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard of.

George:I got inside information on those jeans. They're not made in Taiwan.

George:They're made in the back room of a Chinese laundry in Flushing, Queens.

George:I can't keep a secret. The jig is up. I'm like a sieve. A human sieve. And you know what the worst part is? If I don't tell someone, I'll explode. I will literally burst into flames. My head will just pop off like a champagne cork.

Elaine:The sponge is off the market!

Elaine:I'm going to have to stock up. I need to get a bunch of them.

Elaine:This is a military operation. I need to go in, get what I need, and get out.

Elaine:I've got to hit every drugstore in the city. It's like a commando raid.

George:I don't know, something with a... a sponge? I think there's a sponge involved.

Jerry:You're in better shape than me? I'm telling you, I'm in great shape. Look at this waist size.

Kramer:That's not your real waist size.

Jerry:So what? I like the way it sounds.

Elaine:I need to buy more sponges.

Elaine:I'll get three.

Elaine:Actually, I should probably get ten.

Elaine:You know what? Twenty. I'll get twenty.

Elaine:Twenty-five. I'm getting twenty-five sponges.

Elaine:You know what? Forget it. I'm buying the whole case. Sixty sponges.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, somewhere out there, there's a guy in a little boat, and he's going, 'Wow, the ocean's really foamy today. Must be good for the fish.'

Jerry:So there's a soup kitchen that serves soup at 6 in the morning? Who wakes up at 6 in the morning to get soup? I mean, soup for breakfast? That's not a meal, that's a cry for help.

Jerry:And these homeless people, they're probably standing outside going, 'Is it a good soup? Because I'm not waiting in line for just any soup. I have standards.'

Jerry:'What kind of broth are we talking about here? Because I'm more of a cream soup guy myself.'

Jerry:What do poets need privacy for? They're always putting their business out there in verse anyway.

George:I know what it is. I know what she's using.

Jerry:What?

George:It's... it's a... it's one of those things. You know, the... the circular thing.

Jerry:A diaphragm?

George:Yeah, maybe. Or one of those other ones. The... the sponge thing? Or the... I don't know, something with a string?

Jerry:George, you don't know what she's using.

George:I do! It's definitely one of those contraption things. Very scientific.

George:My sex life is predictable. It's the same thing every time.

George:She knows what I'm gonna do, I know what she's gonna do.

George:There's no mystery. It's like a total bore.

George:We need the Sponge! We need it for make-up sex!

Elaine:You'll fight again.

Kramer:I'm gonna take your pants off.

Unknown poker player:What?

Kramer:You heard me. I'm gonna take your pants off.

Jerry:You told her?! How could you tell her? That was between us!

George:I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Jerry:Do you understand what you've done? Gossip is like a murder confession. Once it's out there, it's out there!

George:It just slipped out.

Jerry:It 'slipped out'? You can't unring a bell, George. You can't unring a bell.

Jerry:She's too good. I mean, she's like, impossibly good. And that's the problem. Because now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm expecting her to do something terrible so that I can justify my neuroses. But she won't. She just keeps being perfect. And it's driving me crazy.

Elaine:I mean, he's got to be spongeworthy.

Volunteer:You have to wear the ribbon.

Kramer:No, I don't think I will.

Volunteer:Everyone's wearing it.

Kramer:Not me. It's like a gang. You're trying to force me to wear your gang colors.

George:It's like a game show! You're standing there, the clock is ticking, your heart is pounding, and you've got to get it open! It's like "Jeopardy!" in bed!

Billy:You know, I think I'm spongeworthy. I mean, I've got a great apartment, I've got a good job, I'm clean, I'm well-groomed...

Elaine:Uh-huh.

Billy:I'm fun, I'm spontaneous, I'm adventurous in the bedroom...

Elaine:Okay.

Billy:I mean, what more could you want?

Jerry:Wait a minute... I know what this is. This is... this is a woman who knows what she wants.

Jerry:Lena, there's something I need to tell you. Something I'm not proud of.

Lena:What is it?

Jerry:I've been using hair gel. A lot of hair gel. More than any reasonable person should use.

Lena:That's your big secret?

Jerry:And I check myself in the mirror. Constantly. Sometimes I'll just walk by a store window and catch my reflection and spend five minutes looking at my hair.

George:I can't get it open!

Susan:Here, let me try.

George:I got it, I got it... No, I don't got it.

Susan:Just tear it!

George:I am tearing it! This thing is hermetically sealed! What do they do, weld these things shut?

AIDS Walk volunteer:You have to wear the ribbon.

Kramer:I don't want to wear it.

AIDS Walk volunteer:Well, you have to wear it.

Kramer:No, I don't think I will.

AIDS Walk volunteer:Look, everybody wears the ribbon.

Kramer:Not me, pal.

AIDS Walk volunteer:You better wear it.

Jerry:She said she would only date me if I was a sponge.

Jerry:A sponge! What kind of criteria is that?

Jerry:I said, 'Look, I'm absorbent, I'm yellow, I can hold water... but I'm not a sponge!'

Jerry:You know what I think? I think the condom companies make these wrappers impossible to open on purpose. They want to make sure you're really committed before you get in there. It's like a test of your dedication.

Elaine:No, no, no. We're done. That's it.

Billy:What do you mean we're done? That was amazing!

Elaine:I know, but I only have a few sponges left.

Billy:Sponges? What are you talking about?

Elaine:The sponges. I use them for contraception. And I can't waste them on seconds.

George · Susan:Of course I do. / You do? What? / You know, you use the: / The what? / You know, the:

Susan · George:Just get me some Sponges, please. / Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They don't have them anymore. / What? / I just found out they're off the market. / Off the market? The Sponge? / So you gotta use something else. / I can't. I love the Sponge. I need the Sponge.

George:Okay. I think I know where we can get one.

Kramer:It's a poker game. And I'm kicking some serious butt!

Kramer:You see those two ladies I got showing? Do they look scared?

Jerry · Lena:Do you wanna go in the bedroom? / Okay. / Hold on just a second.

George · Elaine:Did you get any of those Sponges? / Yeah. Cleaned out the whole West Side.

George · Elaine:Susan loves the Sponge. / Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out. / What? / I can't do it. No way. There's no how.

George:You see, this is not just a weekend routine. I'm on the verge of make-up sex here.

George:Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so make-up sex is all that I have left.

Elaine:I'm sure you'll have another fight, George.

George:Oh, so listen to this. But don't tell anyone. Jerry Seinfeld, he got a woman's number off an AIDS Walk list.

Lena · Jerry:It's okay. There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind. / You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS Walk list?

Kramer:You're lucky you're walking out of here with a pair of pants on!

Jerry · George:Guess what? Lena found out how I got her number. / Really? How did she do that? / A friend of a friend of Susan's.

Jerry · George:Why did you tell her? / I had to, Jerry. It's a couple rule. We have to tell each other everything.

Jerry · George:You know what this means? / What? / You're cut off! You're out of the loop! / You're cutting me off? No, no, Jerry, don't cut me off. / You leave me no choice. You're the media now, as far as I'm concerned.

Jerry · George:If you were in the Mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone? / Hey, a hit is a totally different story.

Jerry · George:She's giving and caring and generally concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that. / I see what you mean. / I admire the hell out of her. / You can't have sex with someone you admire. / Where is the depravity? / No depravity.

Elaine · Jerry:Thanks again for last night. / Hey, I didn't even use one. / Yeah. / I thought you said it was imminent. / It was. But then I just couldn't decide if he was really spongeworthy.

Jerry · Elaine:Spongeworthy? / Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these Sponges. / But you like this guy. Isn't that what the Sponges are for? / Yes. Before they went off the market. But now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of them.

Volunteer · Kramer:But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon. / I have to? / Yes. / See, that's why I don't want to.

Volunteer · Kramer:Everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon. / You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully.

George · Susan:Elaine and her Sponges. She's got like a war chest full of them. / I don't see why you can't just use condoms. / Oh, no, no. No, condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.

George · Susan:I can never get the package open in time. / Well, you just tear it open. / It's not that easy. It's like Beat the Clock. There's a lot of pressure there.

AIDS Walker · Jerry:Hey, where's your ribbon? / Oh, I don't wear the ribbon. / You don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?

Jerry · AIDS Walker:Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? / I just don't wear the ribbon. / Who do you think you are?

AIDS Walker · Cedric · Bob:Put the ribbon on. / Hey, Cedric, Bob. This guy won't wear a ribbon. / Who? Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon?

Elaine · Billy:So you think you're spongeworthy? / Yes, I think I'm spongeworthy. I think I'm very spongeworthy.

Elaine · Billy:Run down your case for me again. / Well, we've gone out several times. We obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests, immaculate.

Billy:I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests, immaculate.

Billy:And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.

Elaine · Billy:You gonna do something about your sideburns? / Yeah, I told you. I'm gonna trim my sideburns. / And the bathroom in your apartment? / Cleaned it this morning. / The sink, the tub, everything clean? / Everything. It's spotless.

Lena · Jerry:Hey, look at this. I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins. / Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. / You know, they're a very eccentric group, because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at any time.

Jerry:Oh, my God. Look what's going on here. / She is depraved.

Lena · Jerry:You seem like you wanna tell me something. / Tell you something? I do. / What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything. / You see these jeans I'm wearing? / Yeah? / I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. / So you know. / That's it.

Susan · George:Come on, George, just rip it open. / I'm trying, damn it. / Tear it from the side. / I tried to tear it from the side. I can't get a good grip. You gotta do it like a bag of chips. / Give it to me. / Wait a second. / Give it to me. Give it to me. / Wait a second. / You see? You see? I got it. / Come on. [19:57] It's too late.

Cedric · Bob · Jerry:So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon? / No. Never. / But I'm wearing the ribbon. He's wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon. / So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon? / This is America. I don't have to wear anything I don't want to!

Kramer · Cedric · Bob:The ribbon confrontation climaxes: Cedric and Bob threaten to 'teach him to wear the ribbon.' Then Kramer is shown being forced/dragged away. Kramer later stumbles in barely conscious — seemingly beaten up.

Cedric · Bob:What are we gonna do with him? / I guess we're just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon.

Jerry · George:It completely turned her off. / Well, I can see that. / Why do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pant size? / I don't wanna be a 32. / I'd kill to be a 32.

Jerry:She said I wasn't spongeworthy. Wouldn't waste a Sponge on me.

George · Jerry:I wish I had one. That condom killed me. / Why do they have to make the wrappers so hard to open? / It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.

Jerry:Oh, my God. Kramer?

Jerry · Kramer:Oh, my God. Kramer? [Kramer collapses/staggers at the finish of the AIDS Walk, having been up all night]

Jerry:Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker.

Kramer:Hey, where's your AIDS ribbon?

George · Susan:Good morning. / Good morning. / How did you sleep? / Great. / You? / Fine, fine. / Everything okay? / Yep. / No regrets? / Nope.

Susan · George · Elaine (implied):What are you doing? / Oh, I don't think so. / Why not? I thought you said everything was fine. / I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.