The Bottle Deposit (2)

Jerry:You know, when you get a wedding invitation, it's like the most formal thing you can receive. It's on nice cardstock, there's tissue paper inside, calligraphy... But really, what they're saying is 'We're getting married, please come.' That's it. They could just put it on a flyer under your windshield wiper like 'WEDDING - Saturday at 4. Bring a gift.'

Jerry:So you just write 'Party' on a piece of paper and stick it on someone's windshield?

Kramer:That's it. That's all you need.

Jerry:What if they want more information?

Kramer:They don't. They see 'Party,' they show up.

Jerry:You know, why should wedding announcements be the only big life event we celebrate? Why not divorce announcements? I mean, think about it. You get a nice card, formal language...

Jerry:Mr. and Mrs. Steinberg request the honor of your presence at the dissolution of the marriage of their son George Louis Steinberg to Miss Pamela Springfield. And together with the parents of the bride, request that you return all wedding gifts.

Susan:George, these invitations are absolutely hideous. The font is terrible, the colors clash, and the paper quality is awful.

George:So what? They're invitations. You send them out, people come. What difference does it make what they look like?

Susan:What difference does it make? George, people will judge us based on these invitations!

George:Judge us? They're getting a free meal. They should be grateful we're inviting them at all. I don't care if the invitation is written on a napkin.

Store Clerk:The glue on these invitations isn't very good.

George:So just buy some glue separately and use that.

Kramer:Hey Lily!

Susan:It's Susan.

Kramer:Yeah, I know. But you look like a Lily.

George:Jerry, I can't do this. I can't get married. This is insane!

George:I don't even like myself and you want me to spend the rest of my life with someone else?

George:What am I thinking? I'm going to end up miserable, broke, and bald!

George:Well, I'm already bald. But the other stuff!

George:Jerry, you gotta help me. You gotta talk me out of this. Please!

Jerry:You should break up with Susan.

George:I can't break up with her. That would be so awkward.

Jerry:It's one conversation, George.

George:I'd rather spend the rest of my life miserable with her than have to sit through that talk.

George:I'm going to write her a letter. A very detailed letter, explaining everything.

George:And then I'm going to flee the country. I'm thinking China. You know, hide among the population.

George:What are you talking about? Staten Island is not China.

Jerry:It might as well be.

George:What do you mean? I can get to Staten Island in twenty minutes.

Jerry:Exactly. So you hide there for twenty minutes, and then you come back.

George:That's not hiding, that's... that's just going to Staten Island.

George:What if I leave something behind? What if I forget a shirt or something?

Jerry:Then you leave it behind. You know what that is? That's freedom. That's what freedom is. Freedom is leaving your shirt in a hotel room.

George:I wish Susan would take a plane somewhere.

Jerry:Why? You want something to happen to her?

George:No, no... I just think it would be nice if she went away for a while.

Jerry:George, planes crash. The odds are a million to one.

George:Yeah? Well, I like those odds.

Elaine:I'm not an usher, I'm not a bridesmaid... what am I, chopped liver?

George:You're a guest.

Elaine:A guest? I've known you for years! I should at least be a usher!

George:I'll talk to Susan about it.

Elaine:You better. Because if I'm not in that wedding party, I'm not coming to the wedding.

George:How do I break up with her?

Elaine:Just take up smoking.

George:What?

Elaine:She hates smoking. If you start smoking, she'll break up with you.

Jerry:Everyone's getting married. George is getting married, Susan's picking out china patterns...

Elaine:So what? You'll find someone.

Jerry:Yeah, but what if I don't? What if I end up alone... with just Kramer?

Kramer:Hey!

Kramer:It's a periscope for your car. You mount it on the roof, and you can see over the cars in front of you.

Jerry:Why would you want to see over the cars in front of you?

Kramer:So you know what's coming!

Jerry:What do you mean, what's coming? You're in a car. The only thing that's coming is the car in front of you. That's why you're looking at it.

Kramer:But with the periscope, you can see further ahead.

Jerry:And then what? You're still stuck behind the same car. Now you're just aware of it earlier. That's not helpful, that's just depressing.

Jerry:You know what? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Jerry:You know, if you're really bothered by this whole near-death experience, you could always just walk into traffic yourself. I mean, if that bothers you.

Jeannie:A collar shirt is a waste. You wear it, you don't see the collar. It's right here, you can't see it.

Jerry:You see it when you look down.

Jeannie:When do you look down? You're not looking down all the time. And when you do look down, you see your pants. You don't see your collar. No one sees your collar. But you got to buy the collar. You got to tuck it in.

Jerry:Hi, I'm Jerry.

Jeannie:Oh, hi! I'm Jeannie.

Jerry:Wait, J.J.? Me too!

Jeannie:No way! That's amazing!

Susan:What if Kramer falls during the ceremony?

George:He won't fall.

Susan:But what if he does? What if he trips on the aisle and goes sprawling in front of everyone?

George:Susan, he's an usher, not a trapeze artist.

Susan:George, are you smoking?

George:What? No, no. I'm a big smoker. I smoke all the time.

Susan:You just told me you quit smoking years ago.

George:I did quit. But then I started again. I'm a very heavy smoker now.

Jerry:I'll have the cereal. With the milk on the side.

Waitress:The milk on the side?

Jerry:I like to control the milk-to-cereal ratio.

Jeannie:I'll have the same thing.

Jerry:I'm in love with myself. I've actually swept myself off my feet.

George:What are you, insane? You can't date yourself!

Jerry:Why not? I'm perfect for me. We have everything in common.

George:That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard. What happens when you get mad at yourself? You just break up with yourself?

Jerry:Well, we'd work it out.

George:This is unbelievable. You're gonna end up alone, talking to yourself at Monk's.

Kramer:I want $100 for not being greeted with 'hello'

Bank Teller:But I said 'hey'

Kramer:'Hey' is not 'hello'

Bank Teller:'Hey' and 'hello' are the same thing

Kramer:No they're not! 'Hello' is a formal greeting. 'Hey' is what you say to your friends

George:I'm at the singles table. I'm surrounded by losers.

Jerry:George, you ARE a loser.

George:I know, but I don't like to be around other losers. It makes me feel like I'm part of a group.

Kramer:What's wrong with that?

George:I don't want to be part of a group of losers. I want to be a lone loser.

Jerry:How is that better?

George:Because then I have the freedom to meet a woman. I need to be unfettered, unencumbered by the stigma of the singles table.

Jerry:You know what? I'm getting a prenup just so I have an exit strategy. Like, if things go south, I'm out.

Elaine:That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Jerry:What? It's practical. It's like having a parachute before you jump out of the plane.

Elaine:No, it's like jumping out of the plane before it even takes off.

George:I think we should sign a prenup.

Susan:A prenup? George, what assets are you protecting? Your Tupperware collection?

George:I have... things of value.

Susan:Oh absolutely, I'm trembling at the thought of getting half of your nothing. Where do I sign?

Kramer:So what's the difference between 'hey' and 'hello'?

Jeannie:Well, 'hey' is more casual, 'hello' is more formal.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Jerry:Oh wow, what a big surprise. You two actually agree on something.

Susan:These invitations are cheap! The paper is thin, the printing is barely visible.

George:So what? It's just an invitation.

Susan:Just an invitation? George, this sets the tone for the entire wedding!

Susan:But I'm insisting on the most expensive rings. We need real platinum, real diamonds.

George:Wait, wait, wait. You won't spend a nickel on the invitations, but the rings have to be platinum?

Susan:That's different. The rings are forever.

Elaine:What's wrong with me? What's wrong with ME? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, Jerry. You're dating your clone. Your female clone. Do you understand what that means? You're essentially dating yourself. That's not a relationship, that's narcissism with a vagina.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, you don't like her because she's like me?

Elaine:I'm saying I can't be friends with someone who's exactly like you. It's too much.

Jerry:Well then I guess we can't be friends anymore either.

Elaine:What? No! Jerry, you can't—we've been friends for years!

Jerry:You just said you can't be friends with someone like me.

Elaine:That's different! You're... you're YOU!

Bank Manager:Alright, alright, let's settle down. We need to take this seriously. I'm calling an emergency committee meeting to discuss the 'hey' versus 'hello' situation.

Bank Manager:This is a matter of protocol. We can't have our customers confused about proper greeting procedures.

Bank Manager:I'm drafting a memo. 'Effective immediately, all tellers will use 'hello.' 'Hey' is no longer acceptable in this establishment.'

Bank Manager:Alright, we've decided on a compromise. Instead of the full $100 greeting, we'll offer a $20 H-greeting.

Jerry:I'm engaged! We're in love, we're getting married, it's going to be beautiful. There's going to be flowers, there's going to be music, candles...

Jerry:You know what? I don't care about all that crap.

Jerry:So what's the deal with coffee? I mean, we're all just standing in line, paying money for hot bean water. And we act like it's sophisticated. 'Oh, I'll have a macchiato.' It's a fancy word for 'I'm pretending this matters.'

Jeannie:I just want coffee.

Jerry:Exactly! You want coffee. But instead you gotta decide between seventeen options, each one named after a European city you'll never visit. And the sizes? Small, medium, large — no, wait — tall, grande, venti. Who decided this? What was wrong with small?

Jeannie:So if brunch is breakfast and lunch combined, why stop there? We should have 'lupper' - that's lunch and dinner. And 'linner' - late lunch into dinner.

Jerry:Wait a minute. If I'm dating my clone, that means I'm dating someone exactly like me.

Jerry:And I hate me. I really do. I can't stand being around myself.

Jerry:I need my opposite. I need someone completely different from me.

Doctor:I'm sorry. She's dead.

George:Dead? You're sure? I mean, you checked?

Doctor:Yes, I'm sure.

George:You did a pretty thorough check?

Doctor:Yes.

George: 'Cause I'd hate to get down there to the funeral and she's not quite ready to go.

Doctor:The cause of death was poisoning from the cheap envelopes.

George:Well, I always said cheap invitations would be the death of me. I just didn't think it would be literal.

Doctor:The glue on those toxic invitations killed her.

George:So I'm gonna get a refund on those invitations. We had like 200 of them printed up.

Kramer:Yeah, I heard about Susan. That's terrible. A real tragedy.

Kramer:You know, I was just thinking about her the other day. Poor Susanna.

Jerry:You were supposed to be married by now!

George:I know, I know.

Jerry:What happened to Susan?

George:Well, she's... she's gone.

Jerry:Gone? What do you mean gone?

George:She died.

Jerry:Oh my God!

George:Yeah, it was terrible. But anyway, you want some coffee?

George:Hi Marisa, it's George Costanza. Yeah, listen, Susan and I... we're not together anymore. She passed away. But anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime?

George:Yeah, so my fiancée Susan just died.

George:But I'm still available Saturday night if you want to grab dinner.

Kramer:Kramer: 'You see? I kept up my end of the pact.'

Jerry · Jeannie:Jerry: 'This has been quite a night. I could sure use a cup of coffee.' Jeannie: 'Hey, what's the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there? And then where does it go?'

Jerry · Jeannie:Jeannie: 'More cereal? That's your third bowl today. You had it for breakfast and lunch.' Jerry: 'Hey. So, what's the deal with brunch? If it's a combination of breakfast and lunch, how come there's no 'lupper,' or no 'linner'?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'So, what's the deal with brunch? If it's a combination of breakfast and lunch, how come there's no "lupper" or no "linner"?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I think I may have made a big mistake. I realized what the problem is. I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself!'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's too bad you got engaged.' Jerry [flatly]: 'Yeah, too bad.'

George · Doctor:George rushes to the hospital. The doctor: 'Excuse me, are you the husband?' George: 'Well, not yet. Fiancé.'

Doctor · George:Doctor: 'I'm sorry. She's gone.' George: 'What's that?' Doctor: 'She expired.' George: 'Are you sure?'

George:George to the doctor, after hearing Susan has died: 'Let me ask you... had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?'

Doctor · George:Doctor: 'We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low-priced envelopes.' George: 'Well, she was sending out our wedding invitations. That's probably what did it.'

George:George: 'We were expecting about 200 people.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:George's reaction to Susan's death — 'She's... gone.' — followed by a long pause, then: 'Dead?' and 'I'm so sorry, George.' George: 'Yeah, me too.'

Kramer:Kramer, on hearing of Susan's death: 'Poor Lilly.'

George · Elaine:Elaine asks how it happened. George: 'Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was... toxic.' [long pause] Elaine: 'Well, that's weird.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:George: 'So I guess... you're not getting married.' [to Jerry]. Jerry: 'Yeah.' [pause] Jerry: 'Well, I thought we'd both be getting married.' George: 'Hey, what can I tell you?' Kramer: 'We had a pact!'

George:George: 'Let's get some coffee.' [after Susan's death scene]

George:George calls Marisa Tomei immediately after the hospital: 'I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago... I'm not engaged anymore. Well, she died. Toxic glue from the wedding invitations... We were expecting about 200 people. Yeah. Anyway, I've got the funeral tomorrow... but my weekend is pretty wide open... and, you know, I was wondering... Hello? Hello?'

George:George: '...I've got the funeral tomorrow, but my weekend is pretty wide open... and, you know, I was wondering—' [Marisa hangs up]