The Postponement

Jerry:I've got it. I know how to handle this.

Elaine:How?

Jerry:I'll get a rabbi to talk to them about their dog.

George:You know what I hate? These bathroom stall doors. They're too short. I'm standing there, doing my business, and I can see over the top. I can see people walking by. And they can see me! It's like I'm in some kind of display case. 'Come see George Costanza, live, in his natural habitat.' Why can't they make them taller? Is that asking too much?

Jerry:You know, I think the reason they put locks on bathroom doors is so you can have privacy.

George:Privacy? That's it? What if the lock fails? What if someone's in there and the lock just gives out? We need a backup system. A wooden wedge. A chair under the handle. Something!

George:A complete breakdown of the system!

George:You see, with conversation, it's all about momentum. Once you get a topic going, you can't just stop it abruptly. You have to let it peter out naturally.

George:It's like a car on a hill. You don't just slam on the brakes.

George:I mean, she doesn't even like me. Why would she want to marry me?

Elaine:Jealous? Of George? I want to marry George?

Elaine:I'd rather marry a block of wood.

Kramer:I can't believe what I did. My life is over.

Jerry:What happened?

Kramer:I jaywalked.

Elaine:You know what? I wish they would punish me more harshly. I want a REALLY bad permanent record. I want colleges to see it and go, 'No way, she's too much of a delinquent.'

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Elaine:Well, if you're so worried about your permanent record, mine should be spectacular. I should have done something that actually warrants a bad one.

Rabbi:You know, life is like a journey. You must walk the path that is right for you.

George:You want my honest opinion?

Jerry:Yeah, I want your honest opinion.

George:You're not gonna like it.

Jerry:No, I want it. I want the truth.

George:Well, I think you're...

Jerry:Wait, wait. Before you say anything, I just want you to know that whatever you're about to say, I've probably already thought it about myself, so don't feel bad. And also, I might get defensive, but that's just a reaction, it doesn't mean I'm not listening. And another thing - you might not have all the facts, so maybe we should go over those first before you make any judgments...

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what if you went into the bathroom, and the door didn't close all the way?

George:What do you mean? Like it just swings open?

Jerry:Yeah, every time you go in there, you gotta hold it closed. It's always ajar.

George:That's the worst thing I ever heard.

Jerry:This is a great idea! A door that closes automatically? This could revolutionize bathroom design!

George:Yeah, well, Susan thought it was stupid.

Jerry:You know, I think the key to a good conversation is volition. You have to will yourself into the dialogue.

George:Volition! That's exactly what I was talking about with the momentum thing!

Jerry:Right, right, it's all connected.

George:We're geniuses.

George:The wedding is in December.

Jerry:So?

George:So? December is like... it's like climbing Mount Everest. You don't just casually show up in December. You need months of preparation, proper equipment, a support team.

Jerry:It's a wedding, George, not an expedition.

George:Easy for you to say. You're not the groom. I have to be there in December. Do you know what December is? It's the hardest month. The cold, the darkness, the shopping...

Jerry:You're turning.

George:I'm not turning!

Jerry:You're turning.

George:I'm turning, but not enough!

George:It's springtime. A wedding in the spring. All that crap about new beginnings, flowers blooming, young love...

George:I'm afraid of Susan.

George:She's like four foot nothing, weighs about ninety pounds, but I'm terrified of her.

Jerry:Women are more intolerant of disappointment than men. They just can't handle it. A man can handle disappointment. We expect it. It's a normal part of life.

Jerry:But a woman, she's not prepared for this. She needs everything to work out perfectly. Susan especially.

Jerry:Susan can't handle any disappointment whatsoever. You disappoint Susan, she's done. Finished. She can't recover from it.

George:I would kill for you. But I won't do that.

Jerry:You'd turn me in for murder?

Kramer:In a heartbeat.

Jerry:You should show a little loyalty.

Kramer:Loyalty? I'm not gonna be the next one to go!

Rabbi:Here, have some SnackWells.

Elaine:Oh, thank you.

Rabbi:You know, a lot of people don't realize that SnackWells cookies are only 50 calories per serving. Now, a serving is defined as two cookies, but most people eat four or five, which brings you to 100 to 125 calories. However, if you factor in the fiber content, which is 3 grams per serving, you're really only looking at a net of 47 calories per cookie when you do the math.

Rabbi:You see, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

Elaine:I don't get it. What does that mean?

Elaine:I mean, what does George have that I don't have? I'm smart, I'm attractive, I have a good sense of humor. I can cook, I can clean. I'm loyal, I'm dependable. I show up on time. I don't ask a lot of questions. I'm willing to relocate.

Jerry:You're a stoolie! A rat! A two-bit informant! You sold out your own people!

Jerry:You're a stoolie.

Kramer:Oh yeah? Well, you better watch your back, pal. 'Cause I got connections.

Jerry:What is that?

Kramer:It's a caffe latte.

Jerry:Since when do you drink caffe lattes?

Kramer:I invented caffe lattes.

Jerry:You invented caffe lattes?

Kramer:Yeah, I used to drink 'em when I was a kid.

Jerry:I wanted to see Plan 9 from Outer Space.

George:You missed it.

Jerry:I know I missed it. That's why I want to see it.

Jerry:What? It's one piece of paper!

Kramer:That's littering.

Jerry:Oh, why don't you turn me in?

Kramer:Maybe I will.

Susan:We're having dinner with the Lauers next Saturday.

George:The Lauers! Oh, that's... that's great. That's wonderful. I love the Lauers.

Susan:You can't stand the Lauers.

George:What are you talking about? The Lauers are... they're terrific people.

George:A spring wedding! Think about it—the flowers are blooming, the weather's perfect, everything's new and fresh.

Susan:George, we're getting married in June.

George:June is spring!

Susan:June is not spring. And you're stalling.

Susan:You don't want to marry me.

George:No, no, no. I want to marry you. I do. I want to marry you.

George:We'll be very happy together. Very happy.

George:A Christmas wedding. Do you know how many people come to a Christmas wedding? Nobody! All that crap about spring and flowers and a nice ceremony... who cares about all that crap now!

Jerry:I live and breathe.

Jerry:Breaking up is hard. You know what's harder? Telling a woman you want to break up with her. And you know what's even harder than that? Trying to break up with her while she's crying. Because when a woman cries, it's like a fire alarm. Everything stops. You can't think. You can't speak. All you can do is try to put out the fire.

Jerry:So you got the make-up sex?

George:No.

Jerry:No? What do you mean, no?

George:I mean, nothing. We just talked.

Jerry:You just talked? For how long?

George:Three hours.

Jerry:Three hours? What could you possibly have to talk about for three hours?

George:I don't know. Stuff. But nothing happened.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, the make-up sex was the only thing keeping this relationship alive.

Jerry:So what are you saying? That's it? That's your only hope now?

George:I don't know what to do.

Jerry:Well, there's always prison conjugal visits.

George:A conjugal visit? That's not a bad idea. I mean, at least I'd know where she is at night.

Kramer:Hey, you alright? You look like you're in pain. Oh, wait—are those free samples?

Rabbi:You know, Jerry, that Elaine of yours, she's desperate.

Rabbi:Your name has been peppered throughout my conversations.

George:Susan, I've been thinking... what if we postponed the wedding? Maybe until March?

Susan:March? Sure, George. Whatever you want.

George:Really? Just like that?

Susan:Of course. I want you to be happy.

George:Something's wrong. You're being way too agreeable.

Elaine:I can't believe the Rabbi told everyone! He's supposed to be confidential!

Jerry:Well, that's the thing about clergy - they're bound by the confessional seal, but somehow the information still gets out. It's like a spiritual leak.

Elaine:It's not funny, Jerry!

Jerry:No, I'm serious. How does that work exactly? What's the point of telling a Rabbi a secret if he's just going to tell everyone anyway?

Jerry:They won't let you bring outside drinks into the movie theater.

Kramer:So? I'll just put it in my jacket pocket.

Jerry:They can see it.

Kramer:Not if I keep my jacket buttoned.

Jerry:They're going to know you have a drink.

Kramer:How? How are they going to know?

Elaine:You didn't tell anyone else, did you?

Rabbi:Well, I mentioned it to my wife.

Elaine:Your wife?

Rabbi:And then she told her sister.

Elaine:Her sister?

Rabbi:Who told two of her friends.

Elaine:Oh my God.

Rabbi:But they seemed very interested, so I gave them your address.

Rabbi:I was in the elevator with this very attractive man.

Elaine:Really? Who?

Rabbi:I don't know his name, but he was very handsome. We talked the whole way up.

Elaine:What did you talk about?

Rabbi:Oh, I told him all about you!

Elaine:You what?!

Movie Theater Employee:We got a coffee boy here!

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. Jews are not good at gossiping. That's a stereotype.

Jerry:We're excellent at it, but that's not the point.

Elaine:George, that's wonderful! You're a genius! A true visionary! The way you handled that situation was absolutely brilliant!

George:Thanks. I'm pretty hungry.

George:I couldn't do it. I went to her apartment, I was all prepared. I was gonna tell her it's not working out, we should see other people. But when I got there, I just... I couldn't.

George:I started crying. I'm sitting there on her couch, crying like a baby.

George:Wait a minute. The tears worked? I got a postponement just by crying?

Jerry:Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen?

George:I don't know, I thought she'd think I was weak. But this is incredible. I can use this.

Jerry:George, don't start using crying as a tool.

George:Why not? It works! Maybe I should just cry at everything. Job interviews, dates, traffic tickets...

Jerry:You're gonna end up in jail.

George:Even better. I'll cry at the trial!

Kramer:You know, Jerry, I'm thinking millions here. Millions. My coffee guy, he's got deep pockets. This could set me up for life.

Jerry:Kramer, it was just a little spill.

Kramer:A little spill? Jerry, I'm in pain. Emotional pain. That's worth something.

Kramer:It was 180 degrees!

Jerry:So?

Kramer:So? My chest is now 180 degrees!

Rabbi:And so this couple, let's call them... Elain and Gorge, they come to me with this problem...

Rabbi:And I said to them, 'You know, in all my years as a rabbi, I've never heard of such a thing!'

Rabbi:And George asked the prostitute, 'How much for a whole night?' She said, 'Five hundred dollars.' And George said, 'What if I just stand here and watch TV?'

George · Jerry:Well, I started to tell her, and then all of a sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears. / You cried? / I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.

George:I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.

Jerry · Kramer:Sorry about that movie thing. I was joking around. / Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favour of my life. I spoke to a lawyer. We're suing for millions.

Jerry · Kramer:Suing? What for? / The coffee was too hot. / It's supposed to be hot. / Not that hot.

Rabbi Kursham · Jerry:The prophet Isaiah tells us that without friends, our lives are empty and meaningless. Wait a minute. That's the rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.

Rabbi Kursham:A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine... happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George.

Rabbi Kursham:She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first.

Rabbi Kursham:She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first.

Rabbi Kursham:She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was, they're never going to see each other again, so what's the difference? But that is a subject for another sermon.