The Wallet

Morty:I'm telling you, I wasn't speeding!

Frank:You were doing 55 in a 35!

Morty:That's your perspective. From where I'm sitting, I'm parked.

Helen:A writer? What kind of writer? You sit around all day making up stories about nothing.

Helen:That's not writing. That's just... talking.

Morty:Why do they always serve fish on these flights? The meat is terrible!

Helen:You're not eating that red meat. It's not good for you.

Morty:So I'm stuck with the fish.

Helen:Fish is healthy.

Morty:I hate fish! You complain about the meat, I have to eat the fish. What kind of choice is that?

Morty:They're all crooks! Every one of them! All the executives at every network - they're thieves, they're liars, they're criminals! You can't trust any of them!

George:What do you mean I'm not Ted Danson? Of course I'm not Ted Danson!

Susan:You should write a thank you note.

George:A thank you note? What am I, a writer?

Susan:You told me you were a writer.

George:I am a writer! I'm writing a thank you note right now!

Morty:A watch?! You're going to war with a watch?! That's it, I'm done. I'm finished with this family.

Morty:You know what this is about? This is about principle! Eighteen dollars and fifty cents - that's highway robbery!

Frank:It's a parking garage, Morty. Everyone pays.

Morty:Everyone pays?! I'll tell you who pays - suckers! And I'm no sucker. I'd rather sit in this car all night than give them one more dime.

Frank:So what, you're gonna live in the parking garage now?

Morty:If that's what it takes! A man's gotta take a stand sometime. This is my Alamo, Frank. My last stand!

Helen:What happened to you?

Kramer:Oh, I got mugged.

Helen:Mugged?! Where?

Kramer:Down on the street. This guy, he wanted my wallet. I said no. So he beat me up.

Helen:Oh my God! Did you call the police?

Kramer:No, no. I deserved it.

Helen:You deserved it?

Kramer:Yeah, I wasn't invited to his party.

Morty:These pants are incredible. You can wear them to the office, you can wear them to a casual dinner, you can wear them to the beach...

Morty:You could wear them to a funeral. Not that you'd want to, but you could. They're that versatile.

Kramer:It's just a little bump on the head. I've had worse from walking into a door.

Jerry:Yeah, I'm very popular. I'm up there with rain and ice cream.

Helen:Everyone likes Jerry.

Morty:Not everyone.

Morty:Where did you take my watch?

Jerry:Your watch? Your watch. The watch. Your watch. Well, you see, about your watch...

Jerry:I didn't take it to the shop. I threw it away.

Jerry:It was a gift from your parents. A very nice gift. And I threw it in the garbage.

Jerry:You need calamine lotion. You've got some kind of dermatological situation going on. I'm not a doctor, but based on the way you're scratching, I'd say you're looking at either a severe allergic reaction, fungal infection, or possibly something you picked up that I don't even want to know about.

Helen Benes:I don't understand it. You're a nice boy, you're clean, you're not bad-looking. Why can't you get a girlfriend? What is it?

Morty:They want to know everything! My whole life story on these forms. It's like they're writing a book here.

Helen:What do you mean we're getting rid of it? This sofa is perfect!

Morty:Helen, it's a couch. It converts into a bed. What else do you want from life?

Helen:It's not just a couch, Morty. It's a memory.

Morty:A memory? Helen, you're more attached to this piece of furniture than you are to me!

Morty:What is this? What are they asking me? I'm not answering this!

Doctor/Receptionist:Sir, we need to complete your medical history.

Morty:My medical history? This is nobody's business! This is private! I'm not some kind of... I didn't come here to be interrogated like a criminal!

George:You see, Jerry, this is what separates the men from the boys. Negotiation is an art form. You can't just walk in there and ask for what you want like some kind of... peasant.

Jerry:George, it's a coffee shop.

George:Exactly! That's the kind of naive thinking that's kept you down your whole life. You gotta make them think you don't need them. You gotta have leverage.

George:It's a show about nothing.

Jerry:What do you mean, nothing?

George:No storylines, no hugging, no learning, no growth.

Jerry:So what are we doing?

George:We're just talking about funny little things that happen to us.

George:You know what your problem is? You're always looking for the next thing, the next woman, the next experience. You can't just be satisfied with what you have.

Jerry:That's not true.

George:Yes it is! I'm telling you, you need to learn to appreciate what's right in front of you. Commitment, stability—

Jerry:Oh, this is rich coming from you.

George:What? I'm serious. You know, if I had your opportunities, I would treat a woman with respect. I would be loyal. I would be—wait, is that a cute waitress over there?

Morty:A doctor runs late, he loses patients. You gotta keep them waiting, they think you don't care. I'm telling you, it's bad for business.

Jerry:Morty, it's medicine, not the bra business.

Morty:What's the difference? You got customers, you gotta keep 'em happy!

George:What if he's not really from Federal Express? What if he's a burglar posing as a Federal Express guy?

George:He could tie me up, rob the place...

George:What if he's not just a burglar? What if he's a murderer posing as a burglar posing as a Federal Express guy?

George:These delivery people, they know where you live. They could come back anytime. They have your address!

Jerry:George, that's the whole point of delivery.

George:I don't care. I say we eliminate the entire delivery industry. No more pizza guys, no more Chinese food guys, nobody. It's too dangerous.

Jerry:So you want to destroy an entire industry because you're worried the guy with your lo mein is going to rob you?

George:You're damn right I do. It's a small price to pay for security.

Jerry:Welcome back. I've been saving this moment for you since you left.

Elaine:Oh please, you've been saving moments for the delivery guy.

Jerry:We don't really 'miss' each other. I mean, what does it mean to miss someone? You're not actually doing anything. It's like the worst activity. You're just... not doing something with someone else.

George:You know what your problem is? You're telegraphing. When you don't want to commit, your face does this thing.

Elaine:What thing?

George:That thing. You touch your face, you look away. It's a tell, like in poker. You're giving away your hand.

Elaine:I do not have a tell.

George:Oh please, you're an open book. I could play you like a deck of cards.

George:I have a theory about the relationship. It's all about where you touch her on the face. If you touch her on the forehead, that's friendship. If you touch her on the cheek, that's a relationship. And if you touch her on the lips... well, that's the whole ball game right there.

George:She was right up there... nuclear level.

Elaine:Kramer, what are you doing?! You have your finger in the mayo jar!

Kramer:Yeah, so?

Elaine:So?! That's disgusting! You can't just stick your finger in there!

Kramer:Why not? It's my mayo.

Elaine:It doesn't matter whose mayo it is! That's gross!

Kramer:I'm not eating any bread.

Kramer:I'm on a bread boycott.

Elaine:He's like Svenjolly or something. He's got me completely under his spell.

Elaine:I did not say that!

George:You said 'Svenjolly.' I heard it, Elaine. You said 'Svenjolly.'

Kramer:You know what? I think you're onto something. Sven-jolly. It's like a cheerful Scandinavian mind control thing. Say it enough times and you just become happy.

Morty:My wallet! My wallet! Where's my wallet?

Morty:It's been stolen! I've been robbed!

Morty:Someone stole my wallet!

Dr. Dembrow:Are you sure? Maybe you just misplaced it.

Morty:No, no, someone stole it. Theft. You know, when someone takes something that doesn't belong to them? That's theft.

Morty:A proctologist! A proctologist took my wallet! Do you know what kind of place that is? There's no security! It's pants-off central! You could walk out of there with a mink coat!

Psychiatrist:So what's this new boyfriend's name?

Elaine:I'd rather not say.

Psychiatrist:Come on, Elaine. We've been through this. You can tell me.

Elaine:Fine. His name is... Puddy.

Psychiatrist:Puddy? What kind of name is Puddy?

Elaine:That's his name, okay? I know it's weird, but he's a good guy.

Morty:What am I gonna do, put it in my mouth?

Leo:This watch is incredible. What kind of idiot throws away a watch like this?

Jerry:...

Leo:I'm serious, this thing is perfect. The craftsmanship, the weight, everything about it is quality. Only a complete moron would get rid of something this good.

Jerry:Dad...

Leo:No, I mean it. Whoever owned this before had to be an absolute numbskull.

Jerry:You ever notice how TV shows always end with 'to be continued'? Like we're supposed to believe there's actually going to be a next episode. But here's the thing - there's never really a continuation. It's just the same show starting over again next week. Nothing was actually continued. They just cut to commercial and hoped you forgot what happened.

Jerry:You know what the real appeal of television is? Closure. Everything wraps up in 22 minutes. Or 44 if it's a really important episode. But in real life, there is no closure. Nothing ever really ends.

Jerry:You know what my life is? It's like one long, pointless story that nobody wants to hear. I'm that guy at the party who corners you and talks about nothing for twenty minutes, and you're just standing there thinking, 'When is this going to end?' That's my life. I AM the boring story.

Jerry:You know what's crazy? TV shows have these cliffhangers, right? But you'd never do that in a comedy club. You'd never go up on stage and say, 'So I'm at the supermarket...' and then just walk off. People would be like, 'Wait, what happened at the supermarket?' And you'd come back next week and say, 'Oh yeah, they were out of milk.' That's not comedy, that's a hostage situation.