Morty Seinfeld

Jerry · Morty:The phone rings and both Jerry and Morty defer to each other about who should answer it, cycling back and forth before someone finally picks up.

Morty:You know what my greatest moment was, don't you? In 1946, I went to work for Harry Flemming...and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat.

Morty:Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

Morty:You know what this means? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are nonrefundable.

Morty:Maybe we could get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

Morty · Helen:I got my sport jacket. / You're not wearing that to a funeral. / What's wrong with it? / It looks ridiculous.

Jerry · Morty · Helen:We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. / I don't know why. We would have picked you up. / I don't want to use your car. / What's wrong with our car? / Nothing. It's fine. / What if you want to use it? / We don't. / So, what, you'd hitch?

Jerry · Morty:Oh, I didn't get the insurance. / How could you not get the insurance?

Jerry · Helen · Morty:You have a lake. / The lake isn't real. / The lake is real. / Are you kidding? They built the lake. / But it's real, it's water.

Jerry · Morty:We've tried all kinds of arrangements but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together. / Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:He's an idealist. / What are you looking for? / I'm looking. I like looking. / He likes looking. / So look. / But how long can you look? / I'm going for the record.

Jack · Morty · Jerry · Helen:Listen, Morty, you want to settle up for last night? All right. I owe you $19.45. / What did you have? You had the minute steak. / Yeah. / Did you have a Coke or what? / I did not have a Coke. / Somebody had a Coke. / I had a Coke.

Jack · Morty:All right, make it 20 bucks. / It's $19.45, Morty. / $19.45?

Helen · Jerry · Morty:What did you take his pen for? / He gave it to me. / But you didn't have to take it. / She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

Helen · Morty · Jerry:He never should have offered it. / He didn't think you'd accept. / Well, he was wrong.

Morty:Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money, believe me. He gives me a check for $19.45.

Morty:Hey, it writes upside down. / Yeah. [Morty tests the pen while lying down]

Morty:Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put your blinker on immediately, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne, you understand me? Stay on Biscayne.

Morty · Elaine:What's she doing, yoga? My back hurts.

Morty · Jack:You know, Jack, you got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. / Whose pen? / His pen. / This happens to be my pen. / You didn't give it to him? / What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.

Jack · Morty:Do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? / You didn't want it. / Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake.

Morty · Jack:Who said you couldn't have it? What the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? / Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the Scotch tape.

Jack · Morty:So you got the Scotch tape. / I've been looking all over for it. / I'll give it back. / I don't want it. / I don't want it!

Morty:You know, Jack, do me a favor, will you? Take the pen and the Scotch tape and get the hell out of here.

Morty:Nerve of that guy, taking back that pen. / Well, that's it for them. / What is going on in this community?

Morty:Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

Morty:What's with the sunglasses? Who are you, Van Johnson?

Morty · Jerry:Tell them about when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that. / Dad. / He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them that!

Jack · Jerry · Morty:I took it back? I gave it to him! / Give him the pen. / You broke my dental plate. / Doris! He broke my dental plate. / You son of a bitch. I'll sue you.

Morty · Chiropractor:Who are you? / I'm a chiropractor.

Morty:'What, you got leather seats here?' — Morty's non-sequitur reaction upon hearing about the NBC deal.

Morty:'Because she puts up a stink every time I have a piece of meat.'

Morty:'George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me, they're all crooks.'

Morty · Jerry:The taxi fare argument — Morty insisting on paying, Jerry insisting on paying, escalating to 'Over my dead body, Jerry.'

Morty · Jerry:Morty: 'I don't think that.' / 'You do. That's what you both think.' — insisting Jerry doesn't believe he makes money.

Morty · Helen:Morty trying to carry heavy luggage despite coming to New York specifically to see a back specialist.

Kramer · Helen · Morty:Kramer arrives with a black eye. 'Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. Crazy Joe Davola. Because I was having this party and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty · Kramer:Jerry's parents interrogating him about why he told Crazy Joe Davola that Kramer didn't invite him, while Kramer interrupts to talk about his comfortable pants.

Helen · Morty:Helen insisting everyone likes Jerry, then turning to Morty: 'Morty?' / 'Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Jerry's parents pressing him on exactly WHERE he took the watch — the interrogation escalating to specific address ('Columbus and 85th, okay?').

Morty:Morty complaining about the length of the doctor's intake form: 'All this? This whole thing? It's gonna take me 45 minutes.'

Morty · Helen:Morty: 'Employer's address. Why do they need this?' Then revealing his back problem started on Jerry's convertible sofa.

Morty · Helen:The intake form asks 'Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?' in Morty's presence.

Morty:'That's it. Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.'

Morty:Morty in the waiting room: 'I could die in here.' Then shouting for help after 20 minutes.

Morty · Helen:'Excuse me. Excuse me! What's going on? I'm in here 20 minutes. Can somebody please help me?' / 'Quiet. Everyone can hear you.'

Morty:Morty: 'If I did that in my business, I wouldn't have made a nickel.' — regarding doctors not keeping appointments.

Morty:Morty: 'I can't stand Velcro. That tearing sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.'

Morty:Morty offering his leftover Cuban cigars to the nurse: 'I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.' — then a nurse and a man scramble for them.

Morty:Morty in the exam room, offered the cigars by someone: 'I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?' — then upon learning they're Cuban: 'Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy them anywhere.'

Morty:Morty erupts in the doctor's office: 'He stole my wallet! The bum stole my wallet! My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!'

Morty · Helen:Morty refuses to hear his diagnosis: 'I'm not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.' / Helen: 'What kind of joint you running here where you can't leave your pants?'

Jerry · Morty:Jerry: 'You came all the way from Florida to see him.' Morty: 'I wanna know what kind of office this is where you can't leave your pants.'

Jerry · Morty:'So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?' / 'I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.'

Uncle Leo · Morty:Uncle Leo arrives and reports: 'I just spoke to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.'

Uncle Leo · Morty:Leo: 'And you walked out without paying.' Morty: 'How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.'

Uncle Leo · Morty:Leo: 'Well, I hope you send him a check.' Morty: 'What for?' Leo: 'What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.' Morty: 'That's the second time you said personal favor. Why do you say that?'

Uncle Leo · Jerry · Morty · Helen:Uncle Leo reveals his watch — found in a garbage can, taken to Jimmy Sherman (the exact jeweler where Jerry's watch supposedly is), and now works perfectly.

Morty:Cuban cigars as a gift reveal — Morty presents the cigars with casual pride

Jerry · Morty:Extended back-and-forth debate about whether a woman is beautiful: 'She's okay.' / 'Just okay?' / 'She's nice.' / 'She's better than nice.' — escalating to 'I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.'

Jerry · Morty:Jerry's father insists on paying the restaurant bill despite having no wallet — 'You don't even have a wallet.' 'Don't worry about it.' — leading to Jerry's observation: 'I'd be curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. Because if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete. We're back to wampum.'

Morty · Restaurant Manager:Morty: 'I cannot get involved with you and your family.' / 'Don't tell me about business. I sold raincoats for 35 years.'

Morty · Jerry:'The doors are on a diagonal.' / 'So what?' / 'It's architecturally incorrect.'

Helen · Jerry · Morty:Helen's explanation for why George rejected the deal: 'Because of Ted Danson.' / 'What does he have to do with it?' / 'Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.'

Morty · George:George announces they got the deal — Morty immediately credits his own advice: 'You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh, George?'

Morty · George · Jerry:'So, what did we get?' / 'Eight thousand dollars.' / 'Beautiful.' / 'That's for the two of us.' / 'Four thousand apiece?' / 'Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for less money.'

Morty · George · Jerry:'The basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go up.' / 'You're smart. I'm dumb.' / 'This is how they negotiate in the Bizarro World.'

Morty · Jerry:Jerry gives Morty a replacement wallet as a gift: 'Hey, look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed.'

Jerry · Morty · Helen:Why are you doing this? He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. Why? Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Morty · Kramer:Say, those are nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home. That doesn't surprise me. I bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See, when people like you die, the widows, they bring in their wardrobes.

Helen · Kramer · Morty:What happens if the husband dies after the wife? Who brings the clothing in then? I suppose the children do. Yes, I suppose they do.

Aaron · Helen · Morty · Elaine · Jerry:Aaron the close talker's introduction — the physical discomfort of his proximity to the Seinfelds is implied in the scene

Morty:Three more days. Three more days, and then we're off to Paris.

Aaron · Helen · Morty:I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How'd you like a behind-the-scenes tour? Really? You could do that? Easily. It wouldn't be any trouble? Of course not. When could we go? How about right now?

Morty:Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus. He's from the Impressionist school, you know, like Monet, Manet, Tippy-tippy-day-day.

Morty · Kramer:Do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive. The beltless trench coat. My father invented it.

Morty:I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. So I took out my belt, just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. That night, I cut off the loops, and the Executive was born.

Morty · Jack Klompus:Hello, Jack? Yeah? Nobody died. Jack, I want you to do me a big favor.

Morty · Jack Klompus:What boxes? I'm gonna explain what boxes. All right. How the hell do I know?

Morty · Elaine's colleague:Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? I really don't know, Mr. Seinfeld.

Morty · Helen:We'll go see Schindler's List, right? Definitely.

Morty:We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. He looks better on TV.

Jack Klompus · Morty:Listen, I can't get in the garage. What do you mean? There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work. You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for 15 minutes.

Helen · Jack Klompus · Morty:Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do than worry about his boxes? You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. Get the hell out of here with your knob!

Morty · Kramer:Look how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it. He just flipped the flaps.

Morty · Rudy · Kramer:Because of his moths, you're not buying my raincoats? That's right. My clothes don't have moths! I'm all ticklish.

Morty:Morty says he bought his pants at Rudy's, a used clothing store: 'See, when people like you die, the widows bring in their wardrobes. They make a bundle.'

Jerry · Morty · Helen:Jerry's parents reveal they 'can't stand' the Costanzas and 'have never liked them.' Jerry: 'I noticed. But they're from your age group. I didn't think you could detect abnormal behaviour among your own kind.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty:We can't stand them. Really? Since when? Since always. We've never liked them.

Jerry · Aaron · Helen · Morty · Elaine:Aaron the close-talker — Jerry warns his parents Elaine's new boyfriend is 'a bit of a close talker,' then 'You'll see.' Cut to: Aaron immediately invading everyone's personal space

Aaron · Helen · Morty · Jerry · Elaine:Aaron as the close-talker — visual reaction from everyone as Aaron speaks uncomfortably close to people's faces.

Aaron · Jerry · Elaine · Helen · Morty:Aaron spontaneously offers to take Jerry's parents on a behind-the-scenes museum tour, leaving immediately. Jerry and Elaine can only watch in bewilderment.

Helen · Morty:Helen returns from the museum and tells Jerry Morty thought Monet was nearsighted: 'Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.'

Morty:Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. I say that guy was painting without his glasses.

Morty · Helen · Kramer:Morty sees Kramer wearing 'the Executive' — the beltless trench coat Morty claims to have invented. Morty: 'My father invented it.' 'I sure did.' / Helen: 'Why would they? Nobody bought them then.'

Morty:How Morty invented the beltless trench coat: 'I came home one night and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. So I took out my belt, just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.'

Jack · Morty:Jack's response to being told there are boxes in his garage: 'What boxes?' Morty: 'I'm gonna explain what boxes.' Jack: 'All right. How the hell do I know?'

Morty · Jack Klompus:Hello, Jack? Yeah? It's Morty. Who died?

Morty · Elaine:Morty wanders around Elaine's office describing a deli that used to be in the building: 'Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore.' Elaine's boss: 'What happened to that deli?' Morty: 'I really don't know, Mr. Seinfeld.'

Jerry · Rachel · Morty · Helen:Jerry's parents walk in on Jerry and Rachel. Mortified scrambling. Morty suggests they 'drive around for a while' — they don't have a car. 'We'll take a bus.' Jerry: 'Come on. Stop.' Eventually: 'We'll go see Schindler's List, right?' 'Definitely.'

Morty · Helen:Morty and Helen casually mention they saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine: 'He looks better on TV.'

Morty · Jerry · Helen:You know, I've been thinking — why is Kramer getting 25 percent? Well, he told you about the place. So what? Why is that worth 25 percent? It's a finder's fee. You know what a finder's fee is? You find something, you get a fee. A finder's fee is 10 percent, no more.

Kramer · Morty:No, no. I found the place. I set the whole thing up. I'm doing all the legwork. What legwork? There's legwork. If anything, you're getting too much. Too much? That's right. They're my coats. Okay, look, I want 35 percent. I'm thinking more like 15. No way I'm taking 15. Well, you're not getting 35! All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

Jack · Morty · Helen:Jack Klompus broke the garage window with a rock to get the boxes: 'You wanted those damn boxes, didn't you?' Morty and Helen react with increasing horror. Jack: 'It was $10 cheaper in the afternoon than the morning. I figured, what the hell's the difference?'

Rudy · Morty · George:The raincoat boxes arrive at Rudy's moth-eaten and destroyed. Rudy: 'Moths are the scourge of my business.' George has also apparently sold Frank's clothes to Rudy. Rudy: 'I burned them.' (Re: Frank's moth-ridden cabana wear)

Frank · Morty:Frank and Morty's confrontation at Rudy's: 'I want you to know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.' Morty: 'You don't have to retract it. We never went.' Frank: 'I'm retracting that it was ever offered.' Morty: 'I retract your retraction.'

Frank · Morty · Rudy:Rudy refuses to buy Morty's raincoats because of Frank's moth situation. Frank: 'Because of his moths, you're not buying my raincoats?' Rudy: 'That's right.' Frank (non-sequitur): 'I'm all ticklish.'

Helen · Morty:Morty, what do you have to open this box for? There's already a box of cookies open. / I wanted a Chip Ahoy. / I don't want all these open boxes. / Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Can you believe this? / I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got the money. / How do you know? / Oh, get out of here, Mr. Big Shot.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Why can't I buy my father a car? / Your father doesn't need a car. / Yes, I do.

Morty:My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for years. I come out, my seat goes back to where I like it.

Evelyn · Helen · Morty:He's voting to impeach. Not because he thinks you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show. / I did so thank him. / No, he never heard you. / He's deaf anyway.

Morty · Jerry:Jerry, don't go. / No, I think I'll go.

Jerry · Morty:Dinner? Well, what time is it? / It's 4:30. / Four thirty? Who eats dinner at 4:30? By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to 5.

Morty:We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between 4:30 and 6. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato for $4.95. You know what that costs you after 6?

Morty · Helen:All right. We'll wait. / But it's unheard of.

Mrs. Choate · Morty · Jack Klompus:Mrs. Choate recognizes Jerry as the rye thief and changes her impeachment vote

Mrs. Choate · Morty:Help! Someone help! / Shut up, you old bag. / Thief! Thief! / It's him. It's your son. He stole my marble rye.

Morty · Jerry · Helen:But it comes on 11:30. / Yeah, well, they tape it in the afternoon, and then they air it at 11:30. / How long they been doin' this? / Thirty years. / Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?

Morty · Jerry:Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters. Bitter cold. Bitter! I was out for five minutes before. I couldn't feel my extremities. / What extremities?

Morty · Jerry · George:You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Huh? Seventy-nine. That's almost 80. / Yeah, I read someplace, the life expectancy in Florida is 81. / And in Queens, 73.

Morty · Helen:All they serve is chicken? / Uh, there's more food down the hall. / Here, wrap it up. We'll take it home.

Frank · Morty:Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?! / That's right. They went like hotcakes.

Morty · Frank:This is Frank Costanza. What do you want? / You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!

Morty:I'm sorry. We can't go back to Florida. [Morty's reaction shot to Frank's declaration]

Morty · Jerry:Is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? / What was that? / Nothing. A bottle broke, that's all.

Helen · Morty:You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? / Why would he mind? We're his parents.

Helen · Morty:It's nice being back at Leo's. Jerry's place was too small. / First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?

Morty:Well, it's been a great visit. Jerry, I'll tell ya, the first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.

Helen · Morty · Jerry:At least the Costanzas changed their mind about moving. They couldn't bear being away from George. / George must be happy about that. / You have no idea.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:Take my swim trunks. I won't need 'em. / What does he want with your swim trunks? / Why should they go to waste?!

Helen · Morty:Morty bought an exercise device off television. He does it every morning at 4. Only 25 minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.

Helen · Morty:We read an article in the Sun-Sentinel... it says that stand-up comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.

Morty:You've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over.

Morty:Now, this Bloomingdale thing: That could be the next wave.

Helen · Morty:I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry? / I'll have to go back to work. / Where would you work?

Morty:Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

Morty · Elaine:What's not to understand? / Well, for one thing, you live in Florida. / I'm very comfortable working out of the house. I have a phone. We have a Kinko's nearby.

Morty · Elaine:You know, I think that my résumé speaks for itself. / Where is your résumé? / I don't have it. I'll mail you one.

Morty · Elaine:I sold raincoats in the garment centre for 38 years. In 1949-- / All right. All right. All right.

Morty:What time should I be in? I get up at 4. I could be here as early as 4:25.

Morty:Oh, Elaine... this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.

Morty:Who's Mr. Fancy?

Helen · Morty:Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house? / That's your mother's new car.

Morty · Helen:It's a coupe de elegance. / Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

Morty · Peterman · Elaine:I know a couple of Chinamen over on 43rd Street that will do it for half that. / It's Asian Americans. / What? / Who are you?

Morty · Elaine:If we're gonna stay till all hours of the night, can't we at least get some food here? / It's only 5:15.

Morty:I'll be back in the morning when he's close to finished with this story.

Peterman · Morty:Morty. / My stories are what sell these clothes. / Cheap fabric and dim lighting: That's how you move merchandise.

Peterman · Morty:You're out. / I never knew what I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book anyway.

Morty · Helen:I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzers. / No one held a gun to your head. / Yeah.

Helen · Morty:Don't forget: We're eating at the Fidermans' tomorrow. / Why do I have to go? They're your friends. / You like them. / I've had it with them. / Then we won't go. / Okay, okay. What time? / Eight-thirty.

Helen · Morty:When are we gonna tell Jerry? / I don't wanna worry him. / We'll tell him next time we go up. / He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that. / Besides, that condo was too much house.

Helen · Morty:How many times can you check the car? / I saw a bum sleeping in the Cadillac the other day. / Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?

Morty:They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there.

Morty · Helen:You're driving me crazy. / That's it. We're going back to Queens. Where's my hat? / No!

Morty · Jerry:Morty Seinfeld wears the 'Number-One Dad' shirt and beams with pride — 'This is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me'

Helen · Morty:Helen to Morty: 'You're not sleeping in that shirt.' Morty: 'This shirt will never leave my body.'

Morty · Jerry:Morty calls Jerry; Jerry asks about the shirt — 'What color is it?' / 'Damn it.'

Jerry · Morty:The 'crepe money' exchange — 'This is all big crepe money.' / 'There's crepe money?'

Izzy · Jerry · Morty:Izzy Mandelbaum is triggered by the 'Number-One Dad' shirt and challenges Jerry again

Izzy · Jerry · Morty:'My back... I can't move.' 'Call an ambulance.' 'Think I saw one a couple doors down.'

Morty:Morty calls himself 'Number one, signing off' on the phone with Jerry

Jerry · Morty:It's a radar detector. / Radar detector. I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour. You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade.

Jerry · Morty · Helen:You think it's hot? / Could be. / Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.

Morty · Jerry:So I can use it to figure out the tip? / Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner. / We can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.

Morty:And now for my Wizard tip calculator.

Morty · Jerry:How does 12.4 percent sound? / Well, your tip is $4 and 36.6666 cents. / We'll round down.

Helen · Jerry · Morty:You've helped take his mind off the condo election. / Right. You can't run for condo president because you were... impeached at the other condo. / I was never impeached. I resigned. / Even so, the press would bury him. / What press? / The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze. / Pinko commie rag.

Friend · Jerry · Morty:He just got a date with that young aquacise instructor. / She's 50. / You know what he's got? He's got charisma.

Morty:I'll tell you what I'm looking at. The next condo board president of Del Boca Vista, phase three.

Jerry · Morty · Kramer:Dad, you look so different. / We're campaigning, Jerry. / To rule the people, one must walk among them.

Morty · Jerry:Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? / Yeah, 'Candidate Cosmo Kramer, caught barefoot in clubhouse.'

Morty · Jerry · Kramer:All right, look, people seem to like those tip calculators. / Wizards. / How about if we give one out to every member on the condo board? / Kramer. / There are 20 people on the board. / Thank God you can get that deal. / Payoffs. Now we're playing politics.

Kramer · Morty:All right, what do we do next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps? Slush funds? / First I need a nap.

Kramer · Morty:Well, I handed out all the Wizards. / The polls close in one hour. / I think we've got this baby all sewn up.

Morty · Jerry:Yeah, there was an extra one. Norman Bergerman. / He won't be leaving any tips where he is.

Board Member · Morty · Jerry:Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators? / What are you talking about? / It's overtipping. I just left 5 bucks for a BLT. / Let me see that. / This isn't a Wizard. It's a Willard.

Morty:I'm ruined.

Morty · Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? / Because the real Wizard's $200. / You didn't have a deal? / No deal. Not hot. / Morty, you and Kramer. You're finished. / Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair. / Let's go. / The people have spoken.

Jerry · Morty:Dad, I'm sorry. / You should be. / How could you spend $200 on a tip calculator? / It does other things!