The Comeback

Morty:Jerry, we want to talk to you about something.

Jerry:Oh my God, you're having another baby?

Helen:What? No!

Jerry:Well, what else could it be? You're calling me in here like it's some big announcement.

Jerry:You sold it? You sold my car?

Morty:We didn't need it.

Jerry:You didn't need it? I bought you a Cadillac!

Helen:It was too much car for us.

Jerry:Too much car? It's a Cadillac, not a spaceship!

Kramer:Emily is wearing me out.

Kramer:But the sex? The sex is not wearing me out.

Morty:You know, these comedians today, they don't have it. They're not like the comedians of my day.

Helen:Morty, you never go to see comedians.

Morty:I don't have to go see them. I read about them. It's all here in the paper. Comedy isn't what it used to be.

Helen:You should quit the comedy. It's not a real job.

Frank:Your mother's right. You should get into retail management.

Helen:Yes! That's a real career. My cousin's son is a assistant manager at the Gap. He's doing very well for himself.

Jerry:The Gap? Mom, I'm performing in front of hundreds of people.

Helen:So? He's managing people. That's much more important.

George:Yeah, that's a strong coffee. That's like the PLO of coffees.

Elaine:I got you a coffee.

George:Why? What do you want from me? You never just buy me coffee. There's always an angle with you people.

Elaine:I was just being nice!

George:Nice? Nobody's nice for no reason. You want something. You want to borrow money, you want to set me up with your friend... What is it?

George:I'm telling you, I paid for that coffee! I have a receipt!

George:You know what? I'm going back to that coffee shop right now and I'm demanding a full investigation!

George:This is it. This is the thing that breaks me. Not my job, not my relationships — a cup of coffee!

George:I'm contacting the Better Business Bureau, the health department, and the FBI if I have to!

Frank:He died when he was seven.

George:Seven? That's very young. What was his name?

Frank:Mooby.

Kramer:I don't want her in the bed after sex. She's got the jimmy legs.

Elaine:Kramer, you can't just kick women out of your apartment after sex. You have to be nice to them. You have to care about them.

Kramer:I do care about them.

Elaine:No, you don't. You kick them out!

Kramer:Well, what do you want me to do?

Elaine:I think you might have some issues with women, Kramer.

Elaine:Kramer, you have no idea how to treat a woman. Your relationships never work out.

Kramer:Oh, that's rich coming from you. At least I'm not dating every guy in Manhattan and then wondering why they all turn out to be losers.

Jerry:I got a last-minute gig at Bally's. I'm replacing this guy who had to leave suddenly.

Jerry:Apparently, the audience demanded a refund before he even finished his first joke.

Frank:My father, he died of internal problems. My mother, she died of internal problems. My brother, he died of internal problems.

George:What kind of internal problems?

Frank:They were all nervous people. They couldn't relax.

George:How old would Aunt Baby be if she were alive today?

Frank:Dead. She'd be dead.

Emily:Do you enjoy lovemaking?

Kramer:It's like a pastrami sandwich.

Jack Klompus:You want to buy back the car? What are you, some kind of wise guy? You're gonna take it, sell it for parts!

Jack Klompus:Well, it's a different car.

Jerry:Do you need a pen to write the check?

Jack Klompus:A pen? I got a pen!

Jack Klompus:I found this pen. It was in the street. Look at this, it still writes!

Kramer:Oh, I know all the good hotels in the city. I used to have a gambling problem.

Jerry:So I'm at Bally's, right? And they tell me I'm not registered under my name. I said, 'What do you mean I'm not registered?' They said, 'You're registered under Carnac the Magnificent.' I said, 'Who is Carnac the Magnificent?' Apparently, I used some old comedian's name when I signed up. I don't even remember doing it!

Frank:We're living like kings! I'm telling you, we moved out to the front of the building.

Frank:We got a whole new life ahead of us.

George:Wait a minute. You're telling me the Golden Nugget called you? Why would they call you?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe they got my number somehow.

George:That doesn't make sense. The Golden Nugget doesn't just call people randomly. What did they want?

Morty:You know, I was thinking about something. When you're not feeling well, it's like you're a piece of fish, and you're sitting out on the counter. But then someone puts you in a jar of mayonnaise, and suddenly you feel better. You're still fish, but now you're preserved fish. You're good to go.

Peterman:Who is this?

Elaine:That's my father.

Peterman:Your father? He looks like a millionaire!

Morty:Well, I'm wearing thesuit.

Emily:I don't want to sleep alone. What if someone tries to break in?

Jerry:So you want me to stay over to protect you?

Emily:Yes, exactly.

Jerry:Emily, what are the odds someone's going to break into your apartment?

Emily:I don't know, but what if it's a very determined burglar who specifically targets women living alone in this neighborhood, and he has a very detailed map of my apartment that he got from a disgruntled landlord, and he's been casing the place for weeks, and he knows my exact sleep schedule, and he's waiting for a night when I'm alone because he has a very specific grudge against me personally?

Jerry:That's oddly detailed.

Emily:I know, but it could happen.

Kramer:It was just the wind.

Emily:The wind? The wind doesn't jiggle doorknobs, Kramer. Someone was trying to get in here.

Jack Klompus:So there I am in the Everglades, I'm backing up, I look around, I don't see nothing. I'm backing up some more, I hear a little sound. I look down, I've backed right into a swamp. The car's stuck. I'm in the car, it's sinking, and all of a sudden, snap! An alligator comes up and gets ahold of the car!

Jerry:Oh, well, look on the bright side. At least the alligators are gonna have really nice handwriting.

Helen:We're not buying a Mercedes. My father fought in World War II.

George Costanza · Jerry Seinfeld's Father (Morty):George asks Jerry's father about 'Aunt Baby' — 'Tell me about Aunt Baby. She's deceased. Yeah. Why did she die so young? She had problems. Internal.'

Frank:We have separate beds. It's better for the circulation.

Frank:I got jimmy arms. I'm flailing around all night.

Kramer:Can you get Jimmy legs in your arms?

Frank:Oh, you can get it in your arms, your legs, your face! It's a very serious condition!

Peterman:I was trapped in a cave in Peru with nothing but a sack of beans. I fashioned a crude weapon from the legumes, tied them together with vines. The jaguar didn't know what hit it.

Morty:A weapon made of beans?

Peterman:Beans, Morty. Don't underestimate the bean.

Morty:You know, Peterman, you're running this business all wrong. You got too much overhead, too much waste. You gotta streamline, cut costs where it matters.

Peterman:But Morty, my customers expect a certain level of quality and service.

Morty:Quality? Service? That's what's killing you! People don't want quality, they want cheap. They want fast. Give 'em cheap and fast, they'll buy anything.

George:Why didn't anybody tell me about this? This could've been huge for me!

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry · Klompus:Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it. / You bought it for six. / You're not me.

Frank Costanza:I'm telling you, if I don't check on that car every twenty minutes, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

Frank Costanza:A guy could live in that car. It's got a trunk, a back seat... somebody's probably living in it right now.

Estelle:A bum? A bum sleeping in our car? Frank, this is a catastrophe! Do you know what could happen? He could use our upholstery as a toilet! He could invite his bum friends over for a bum convention in our driveway! Next thing you know, there's bums everywhere - in the bushes, in the garage, eating our food! We'll have to move! We'll have to leave Queens! We'll end up living in a cardboard box ourselves, and then we'll BE the bums!

Jack Klompus · Jerry Seinfeld:Jerry needs a pen; Klompus uses his pen and comments: 'Still works.' — callback to the famous pen dispute

Jerry · Klompus:You need a pen? / Still works.

Kramer · Helen:Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please. / You know that number? / I used to have a problem.

Kramer:All right, you have a lucky day too.

George · Elaine:By the way, Elaine, thank you for laying out for the Arabian Mocha Java. George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee.

Jerry:Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under 'Slappy White.'

Frank · Estelle:Well, after talking to you, we realized we may not have much time left. So we're blowing it all.

Estelle:Look, George, it's a Pierre Cardin.

Unknown couple from cold open:That was all right. Yeah.

Klompus:I had a little mishap with the car. I'm down here in Alligator Alley.

Jerry:That was the Golden Nugget, also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight.

Helen · Morty:I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry? / I'll have to go back to work. / Where would you work?

Morty:Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

Morty · Elaine:What's not to understand? / Well, for one thing, you live in Florida. / I'm very comfortable working out of the house. I have a phone. We have a Kinko's nearby.

Morty · Elaine:You know, I think that my résumé speaks for itself. / Where is your résumé? / I don't have it. I'll mail you one.

Morty · Elaine:I sold raincoats in the garment centre for 38 years. In 1949-- / All right. All right. All right.

Morty:What time should I be in? I get up at 4. I could be here as early as 4:25.

Morty:Oh, Elaine... this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.

Morty:Who's Mr. Fancy?

Kramer · Emily:Emily asks to spend the night; Kramer prefers she leave. 'I think I'd prefer it if you left.' 'You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone.'

Kramer · Emily:And you scream in your sleep. / I do? / There was a man. He was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for 25 minutes.

Kramer:No, no. No, it was a fearless cat burglar. Now, listen, you gotta let me sleep here. I'll stay over here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth.

Kramer · Emily:Because I don't wanna sleep alone. / Well, I do.

Klompus · Jerry:What took you so long? / I live in New York.

Jerry · Klompus:What the hell happened? / This thing is a behemoth. / What did you do? / I was making a simple lane change. I put on the blinker, and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged.

Klompus:I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me.

Jerry:You are such an idiot.

Klompus:Besides, I think I lost my pen too.

Jerry Seinfeld:Jerry: 'You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.'

Jerry:You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.

Helen · Morty:Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house? / That's your mother's new car.

Morty · Helen:It's a coupe de elegance. / Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

Kramer · George:Kramer showing up at George's parents' house to sleep over — 'I had some trouble at my place. So I need a little company at night to sleep.'

Kramer · Frank:George, your parents can't blow their savings in this community. It's low-rent. We feel that Florida is really the place where they should be. / You can drop a grand in Disney World like that.

Estelle:What do you think we should do, Georgie?

Peterman · Elaine:So effective immediately, Ms. Benes will return to her old position at her original salary and I, of course, will return to mine. / Kudos, Elaine, on a job done.

Elaine · Peterman:What about my stock options? / I think not.

Elaine Benes · J. Peterman:Elaine: 'What about my stock options?' Peterman: 'I think not.'

Morty · Peterman · Elaine:I know a couple of Chinamen over on 43rd Street that will do it for half that. / It's Asian Americans. / What? / Who are you?

Elaine:No, no-- Well, I mean, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.

Jerry · George:So if your parents move to Florida, you're poor. But happy. Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but.... Obviously.

George · Jerry:We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet. / All right. This is easy. Just let them go.

George:Jerry's gone. You could humour me. He humours me.

Elaine · George:Know what I do when one of these is breathing down my neck? / What? / You schedule a late meeting. / What does that do? / Old guys are up at 4 a.m. By 2:30, they're wiped--

Elaine:How did we get back on to you?

George:I gotta go. You know I got nothing out of this.

Kramer · Frank:Hey, Frank. / Yeah. / You got two beds in here. / That's right. That's me on the left.

Frank · Kramer:Thirty years ago we came to an agreement. The only way I could get some rest. / Really? / Estelle has got the jimmy arms.

Kramer · Frank:You can get that in your arms? / Like you wouldn't believe.

Jerry · Klompus:Well, I maxed out my credit cards. And I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So.... / You are thinking of staying here?

Klompus:I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour?

Jerry · Klompus:Didn't like that crack about the pen? / I did not.

George:Well, I've given this a lot of thought... and I've gotta say-- as much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting... I would just miss you too much. So I've decided... I want you to stay.

Frank · Estelle:It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving tonight.

George · Frank or Estelle:You said it was my call. / We were just being nice.

Estelle · Kramer · Frank:Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be all right here alone? / Oh, yeah, I got Emily coming over tonight. / You're letting him have a woman over? / He's not family. It's different psychologically.

Peterman:And so I made an explosive out of chickpeas. And I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.

Morty · Elaine:If we're gonna stay till all hours of the night, can't we at least get some food here? / It's only 5:15.

Morty:I'll be back in the morning when he's close to finished with this story.

Peterman · Morty:Morty. / My stories are what sell these clothes. / Cheap fabric and dim lighting: That's how you move merchandise.

Peterman · Morty:You're out. / I never knew what I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book anyway.

Morty · Helen:I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzers. / No one held a gun to your head. / Yeah.

Helen · Morty:Don't forget: We're eating at the Fidermans' tomorrow. / Why do I have to go? They're your friends. / You like them. / I've had it with them. / Then we won't go. / Okay, okay. What time? / Eight-thirty.

Unknown couple:That was all right. (third repetition of cold open gag)

Elaine:Peterman stock rise of 12 and a half points being read aloud as Elaine listens.

George · Elaine · Jerry:That means if you still had those stock options.... / Yeah. / That's a shame. / What are you, sticking it to me? / What? / I think you're sticking it to me. / I'm sure George is just being sympathetic. / Sticking it!

Jerry · Elaine:You're not alone. I'm practically broke. / Really? / No.

Jerry · George:But... I did blow over 20,000 on that Cadillac. / Delicious.

Jerry · George:You seem happy. / Hey, the folks are 1200 miles away. I'm basking in the buffer zone.

George · Jerry:So were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac? / Actually, I haven't heard from them yet.

Helen · Morty:When are we gonna tell Jerry? / I don't wanna worry him. / We'll tell him next time we go up. / He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that. / Besides, that condo was too much house.

Helen · Morty:How many times can you check the car? / I saw a bum sleeping in the Cadillac the other day. / Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?

Morty Seinfeld · Helen Seinfeld:The bum sleeping in the Cadillac: 'Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?'

Morty:They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there.

Morty · Helen:You're driving me crazy. / That's it. We're going back to Queens. Where's my hat? / No!