Pie-Mary

Ben:It's like Lady Gaga, but instead of being born that way, you have to earn it through a series of increasingly difficult challenges that test your wit, your physical endurance, and your ability to follow cryptic clues written in iambic pentameter.

Ron:I've cross-referenced the latitude and longitude coordinates with the municipal zoning records, triangulated the electromagnetic interference patterns, and decoded the stenographic cipher embedded in the historical land survey. The treasure is buried 47 feet northeast of the old courthouse, approximately 3 feet beneath the water table.

Ben:Ron, that's... that's not even close to what I—

Ron:I'm done. I'm leaving.

Ron:I have a gift. It's a curse.

Ron:I can see the pattern immediately. The way the colors mesh, the geometric logic. I didn't ask for this.

Ron:Most people, they get to enjoy puzzles. Me? I solve them in seconds and I'm left with nothing but the terrible knowledge of what I've done.

Leslie:Okay, so there's shop talk, pillow talk, trash talk, small talk, baby talk, sweet talk, pep talk, chalk talk, walk and talk, and TED talks.

Jen:The Knope household is a disaster zone of kid mess

Leslie:I can't believe we're missing the ceremonial squash toss. I've been practicing my throw all week.

Ben:I know, I've been mentally visualizing the perfect arc of a squash in flight.

Leslie:Right? The way it rotates, the way it tumbles through the air...

Ben:The satisfying thud when it hits the ground. Why are we like this?

Leslie:I don't know, but we need to find another squash tossing event immediately.

Leslie:Are you ready for intense campaigning?

Ben:Yeah, I've been listening to my pump-up music all morning.

Leslie:What kind of pump-up music?

Ben:Pat Benatar. All Pat Benatar. Love is a Battlefield, Heartbreaker, Love's a Weapon...

Jen:Are you ready for campaigning?

Ben:Me? Yeah, I think so.

Jen:I was talking to Leslie.

Ben:Oh.

Jen:You know what the real challenge is? Making sure your spouse doesn't overshadow you. Leslie's so smart, so capable... I mean, we'd have to drug her or something to keep her from taking over the whole campaign.

Ann Perkins:Being a candidate's wife is like awkward freshman college sex.

Ann Perkins:You're not sure what you're doing, nobody's really happy, and it's over way too soon.

Jen:Yeah, well, I had a very active college sex life. I was very sexually adventurous. I did things that would make a sorority girl blush.

Jen:Poncho!

Ron:A foundation? That's just a bunch of rich people giving away money they didn't earn. At least manual labor has dignity.

Ron:But I suppose it's better than working for the government.

Ron:April, I'm going to miss you. But before you go, I need you to return your office key, parking pass, and municipal ID badge.

Reporter/Dad:You know, when you think about it, the whole 'Pie Mary' contest is pretty sexist. We're literally naming a baking competition after a woman's name and expecting women to compete in it. It's ridiculous.

Reporter:The winner of this year's Pie Mary contest is... well, it's a woman. Because apparently only women can make pies. Which is sexist.

Reporter:So Leslie, with all your time spent on these various projects, who's watching your kids right now?

Leslie Knope:They're at home with a babysitter.

Reporter:And where are you?

Leslie Knope:I'm right here. At this event. Literally in front of you.

Mike Patterson:Okay, take it easy. Let's not get emotional.

Reporter:Where are your kids while you're out God knows where?

Leslie:I'm at a scheduled public event. It's on the calendar.

Mike Patterson:Why won't you just let me dump this toxic waste in the park?

Leslie Knope:Because it's illegal, it's dangerous, and it will poison the groundwater that thousands of people depend on.

Mike Patterson:Wow, there you go again. Being so emotional. Why do you always have to be so emotional about everything?

Mike Patterson:Isn't it true you spent $400 on a haircut using taxpayer money?

Leslie Knope:That is absolutely not true. And also, thank you for noticing.

Andy:Okay, I found Ron's key in April's hiding spot. Let's see what else is in here...

Andy:Oh, there's a... is that a human tooth?

Andy:Wait, there's another one. And another one.

Andy:April, why do you have a collection of human teeth?

April:They're not human.

Andy:Okay, well that's somehow worse.

April:If you're reading this, you've found my key. Good job, detective. Return it immediately or I will find you and make you regret ever being born. Cordially, April Ludgate.

Andy:Okay, so we need to find the key, right? But to find the key, we need the key to unlock where the key is hidden. Which means we need the key to find the key.

June Hartwell:Leslie Knope didn't show up to the pie contest. She just... didn't come.

Reporter:Do you know why?

June Hartwell:No idea. But I'm going to assume it's because she's lazy and doesn't care about Pawnee.

Leslie:Everything's fine. Except you're gonna need to get a new calculator 'cause I crushed this one in a blind rage while I was watching the show.

Ben:Yeah, well, Jen called that one pretty fast.

Leslie:I'm going to win this pie contest, and then I'll have the perfect platform to promote my weirdly specific feminist BBQ cookbook.

Leslie:Everything's fine with the campaign. I'm just going to go back to my office and calmly file some paperwork.

Leslie:AHHHHH!

Ben:Leslie? Are you okay?

Leslie:FINE! EVERYTHING'S FINE!

Andy:Wait, this isn't an eagle box?

April:It's a falcon box.

Andy:What's the difference?

April:Did you go to Bird School?

April:I retrieved your wedding ring from the sewer. I'm using it for my voodoo doll of you.

April:I'm just going to run away.

Andy:Okay, I've actually been prepared for this. I have an entire spy movie escape plan ready to go. We rappel down the side of the building, we hot-wire a car, we drive to the airport, we steal a plane, and we fly to a non-extradition country.

April:That's... actually not a terrible plan.

Andy:I know. I've been working on it since high school.

April:Goodbye, Garry. That was nice.

April:You're still a idiot though.

Ron:What is this? 'Twilight'? These are just pictures of shirtless men sparkling in the sun. This is the worst thing that's ever been made. It's poorly written, it's poorly acted, and the whole thing just reeks of desperation and bad choices.

Ron:This is the greatest puzzle I've ever encountered.

Ben:It's just a Rubik's Cube.

Ron:I solved it in under a minute. This one... this one has layers.

Ben:I put the kids to bed last night. First, Ella wanted me to read her a story, so I read her 'Charlotte's Web.' She cried for twenty minutes because the pig dies. Then I had to explain that the pig doesn't actually die, he just grows up and becomes bacon.

Ben:Then Ramsés wanted me to help him with his science project. It's due tomorrow. Tomorrow! We ended up building a volcano out of papier-mâché at 11 PM while I'm explaining how lava works.

Ben:Then I couldn't find Nora for like fifteen minutes. I'm panicking, checking the closets, the cabinets. I finally found her in the backyard climbing a tree at midnight in her pajamas. When I asked her what she was doing, she said 'Looking for the moon.'

Ben:I don't know how that works. I don't know how any of this works.

Ann:I brought baking supplies.

Leslie:Oh my god, is that whipped cream?

Ann:Don't even think about it.

Leslie:I'm just going to have a little bit.

Ann:Leslie, no. We need that for the recipe.

Leslie:One tiny taste won't hurt.

Ann:You're going to eat the entire can straight, aren't you?

Leslie:Probably.

Elise:I'm going to protest Leslie at the pie event. I'm going to throw a pie right in her face.

Leslie:Wait, you're actually going to throw a pie at me?

Elise:No, no, it's metaphorical. I'm going to protest her policies, not literally pie her in the face.

Ben:Me want pie. Me want pie now.

Donna:I missed my seventh viewing because of April's painkiller incident at the Twilight movie.

Andy:Wait, you had a crush on me? Back then?

April:Yeah, for like two years.

Andy:That's so embarrassing!

April:We're married.

Andy:I know, but still!

Jerry:I need to get my wedding ring out of the sewer!

Ben:Don't worry, Jerry. We'll help you get it back.

Jerry:Thank you so much!

Ben:I'll just reach down and... ow! This pipe is hot!

Leslie:Ben, move over. I've got this. I'm very flexible.

Leslie:Oh no, I'm stuck!

Ron:This is amateur hour. I'll use my tools.

Ron:The sewer main just exploded.

Jerry:My ring! And now I have a geyser in my yard!

Ron:You know, I've been watching you work here for a lot of years, Garry. And I gotta say, watching you suffer is the only thing that brings me joy anymore.

Ben:It's a circle of dough, it's got cheese, it's got meat, it's got sauce...

Leslie:That sounds like a pizza.

Ben:No, it's not a pizza.

Leslie:What is it?

Ben:It's a calzone.

Leslie:Ben, that's a pizza folded in half.

Ben:No, you're in the no-fly zone. The calzone.

Ben:Wait, I've got it. What if we just made it a calzone contest instead?

Leslie:Ben, no. It's a pie contest.

Ben:A calzone is just a folded pie.

Leslie:That's not what a calzone is.

Ben:Look, I'm not saying change the rules. I'm just saying a calzone would solve this problem.

Ben:Lana! Lana! LANA!

Jerry:She called me 'Mr. Forgetful' and I've never been so hurt in my life.

Harris:We're not doing anything with it!

Brett:Yeah, we just like having rope in the basement!

Harris:It's a hobby.

Harris:We used to play this game in college where you'd choke yourself until you passed out.

Ron:Ah yes, we called it the Henley Maneuver.

Harris:We share dreams because we're best friends.

Brett:Yeah, and our sleeping arrangement isn't romantic.

Harris:We're just two guys who love each other.

Brett:In a completely platonic way.

April:So let me get this straight. A ghost that only appears on Tuesdays, makes a sound like a sad trombone, and leaves behind the smell of old cheese. That's not a ghost. That's just Ron's basement.

Donna:Well, that's not what Gayle calls it.

June Hartwell:I can spell P-I-E.

Ben:Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is not just a calzone. It's a gift. A gift wrapped in a warm, delicious blanket of dough and cheese. This calzone represents the pinnacle of Italian-American cuisine. When you bite into this, you're not just eating food, you're experiencing a moment of pure joy.

Ron Swanson:Men's rights activism is about protecting the fundamental freedoms that men have enjoyed for centuries. Our oppression is very recent.

Talk Show Host:Well, that's the thing about this controversy - it's one of those rare issues where everyone agrees. Democrats hate it, Republicans hate it, Independents hate it. Even people who don't follow politics hate it.

Harris:Do what, exactly? Nothing. We're not doing anything. And we definitely do not live down here now.

Ron Swanson:I find it troubling that men aren't represented on this feminism panel. How can we discuss women's issues without men in charge of the conversation?

Leslie Knope:Ron, that's... that's not how this works.

Brandi Maxxxx:I've been in over 300 films. My most recent work was 'Buttman's Inferno 7,' which I'm very proud of. Before that, I did 'Ass-tronomy' and 'Pulp Friction.'

Ben:Her campaign is absurdly mild sweater awareness

Jen:A political apology is like unpleasant medicine. You know you need it, but it tastes terrible going down.

Jen:Speaking of which, I need a drink before I go to Leslie's house.

Jen:You just apologize. It's like alcohol — it solves all your problems.

Jen:Apologizing is like taking tequila. At first it makes you feel terrible, then you do it over and over, and then you blackout and... wait, no. I'm thinking of my life.

Ron:Okay. So we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoeshines.

April:I love you. Woof woof.

Ron:I'm going to vomit.

Ben:Leslie is her own person. She makes her own decisions. I would never try to control her or tell her what to do.

Ben:Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call her and tell her what to wear to this event.

Ben:Leslie is completely dependent on me for everything. She can't make a single decision without my input.

Leslie:What?!

Ben:No, wait, I meant... Leslie is completely independent. She makes her own decisions.

Leslie Knope:Look, I don't have time to address every made-up movement. Men's rights? That's not a thing. You already have rights. You have all of them.

Leslie:Stop asking women if they can have it all.

Leslie:STOP asking women if they can have it all.

Leslie:STOP ASKING WOMEN IF THEY CAN HAVE IT ALL.

Leslie Knope:Sometimes I don't miss them. There, I said it. I'm a horrible mother.

Leslie:You know what? I don't actually know the answer to that.

Ben:It's Peru.

Random protester:Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak!

Another protester:He already spoke.

Random protester:Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak!

Man with bike:I've been having bike trouble. What'd I miss?

Ron:April lost my house key. Do you know what this means?

April:That I'm fired?

Ron:It means my security system has already detected the breach and deployed countermeasures. The key is now useless. I've replaced all the locks with ones that only open for a blood test and a constitutional question. She'll never get in.

April:I hid the key by that tree because I knew you'd find it. Because you're smart and capable and... or whatever.

Ron:April, I respect you. You remind me of myself at your age - cunning, suspicious of authority, willing to bury things in the ground without telling anyone.

April:Ron, what are you talking about?

Ron:I buried gold in the woods in 1987. Never told my first wife. Then I buried more gold in 1993 - different location, different wife. Then in 2001, I buried gold a third time, but I told my second wife about the first burial, not the second. So if she digs up the first one, she'll think that's all of it. Which it's not.

April:That's... actually impressive.

Ron:There's a fourth burial site, but I've forgotten where it is. I'm okay with that. It's still there, earning interest in the form of gold appreciation.

Leslie Knope:Thank you so much for supporting me speaking my mind.

Ben Wyatt:Of course, that's what I'm here for.

Announcer:And the Woman of the Year award goes to... Ben Wyatt!

Ben Wyatt:What? No, no, no. This doesn't make any sense.

Male Men Member:What a surprise. The woman is only talking to other women. Can we have one conversation about feminism where men get to be in charge?

Women Against Feminism Representative:I actually agree with him. I don't need your pity.

Brandi Maxxxx:Joan, Leslie Knope and I are united Oh. In our disgust of this week's events. Leslie, if you're watching, I, Brandi Maxxxx, star of 69 Jump Street and Fifty Shaved Old Gays, have your back.

Jen:Oof. You really stepped in it this time, Knope. Told ya. Being a candidate's wife is a tough gig.

Jen:Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing. She started an awareness campaign called 'Bring a Sweater.' She calls it 'goose bump prevention.'

Leslie:Feminists and pie makers united for equality despite our philosophies on equal rights and crust flakiness.

Jen:Just ignore the fact that you're right, put on your blandest outfit... So that one, hopefully, and then just go out there and publicly apologize. Done.

Jen:It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

Donna · Garry:First off, I got a dude in maintenance to open up that grate this morning. So here's your rings, keys, credit cards, and I found some heart medicine I assume is yours?

Donna:Also, I thought I'd bring over some fresh oranges for you and Gayle.

Donna · Garry:And I just wanna thank you for taking me down memory lane, ya big B-word. 'Buddy.'

Councilman Milton:So much has changed around here. I just wanted to remember the good old days, when a shoeshine was two bits, and there were no Mexicans in the music business.

Andy · April:'Hi Andy, I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April.'

Andy · April:My God, babe, you were so into me. That's hilarious. We're married. Still.

April · Ron:It's a dead end. No more clues. See me in my office. If it makes you feel any better, I had a big crush on you too. That does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

Ron:Oh! Thank God. Get off my boat!

Ben:Good afternoon. I'm here today to share with you all my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana. But first, Leslie Knope, my wife, has a brief statement.

Ben:I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong.

Leslie:Second, the Male Men... Where are you? Ah. You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.

Leslie:'Why did I change my hairstyle?' Oh, I don't know. I just thought it would look better. Or my kids got gum in it.

Leslie:'Are you trying to have it all?' That question makes no sense. It's a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don't ask it.

Leslie · Ben:And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question. No one asks me, 'Where are your kids?' Or, 'Who's taking care of them?' By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe. Everything's fine.

Jen · Ben:I'd say that's fifty-fifty boos and cheers. Yeah. That seems about right.

Male Men Member · Ben · Leslie:Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak! He just spoke. Oh. Sorry. I just got here. I had a broken bike chain. My bad.

April · Ron:So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great. I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

Ron:What matters is that I trust you and admire you as a person. I will be sorry to see you leave this town. For many reasons. Not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve.

Ron · April:And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. 'Woof, woof.' It really is embarrassing.

April · Ron:'Woof, woof.' Bark. Why here? Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong. And quiet. And always here when you need it. Or whatever.

Ron:I have always felt a certain kinship with April, and this is proof that I was correct. Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I have since moved it. Or have I? Or was I lying the whole time? Or was I lying about lying? Or was there never any gold to begin with? Or...

Elise · Leslie:Congratulations, Ben Wyatt, you are this year's IOW Woman of the Year. Son of a bitch.