Ms. Ludgate-Dwyer Goes To Washington

April:National Parks are a crucial habitat for werewolves. Without them, werewolves would be forced into urban areas where they'd have to eat people. So really, you're saving lives.

Leslie:We're a great team! We work together so well, we communicate, we support each other...

April:We're also all going to die alone.

Ben:I know what's going on in your head right now.

April:My mind is a Terrordome. A vast, barren wasteland where a few scattered remnants of human thought fight to the death for survival.

April:Leslie freaks out whenever anything changes. Like, anything at all.

Leslie:I got a trim! A TRIM, April! My entire life is falling apart!

Leslie:What? Why? On what grounds? Those fonts are perfect. It's readable and compact. It's all on one page. That's insane. Don't mess with that. I appreciate your initiative, but itineraries are not the right place to mess around.

April:What if we just changed the font?

Leslie:Changed the font? CHANGED THE FONT?! April, fonts are the very foundation of visual communication! You can't just change a font like you're redecorating a sorority house! A font is a sacred trust between a designer and their audience. It's typography, April. It's ART. Do you know how many hours I spent selecting our current font? Seventy-two. Seventy-two hours. And now you want to just... change it? Like it's nothing? Like it's some kind of... of casual decision? This is exactly the kind of reckless thinking that leads to the downfall of civilizations, April. The Romans fell because they stopped caring about their fonts. Look it up.

Ben · April:Any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored. So, you talk for one second?

Andy:Okay, I got April's job requirements list right here.

Andy:Let's see... 'Dreamboat,' 'Cool Guy,' 'The Velociraptor'...

Andy:Oh no, this is my desired nicknames list.

Andy:From now on, call me Beastmaster. Beastmaster Andy.

Andy:Wait, no. Just Andy. Regular Andy.

Andy:You're a secret agent, aren't you? No wait, you're a CIA operative. Actually, you're definitely a black ops assassin for the government.

Ron:I work in construction.

Andy:That's... not what I was going for.

Ron:Welcome. This is the front entrance. As you can see, it has a door. The door opens and closes. Very reliable.

Ron:Over here we have a window. Natural light comes through it during the day. At night, it becomes a mirror.

Ron:This is a wall. It's load-bearing. If we removed it, everything above it would fall down. I've tested this theory. It's sound.

Ron:And this is my office. Notice the desk. It's made of wood. Wood comes from trees. The government used to own the trees. Now I do.

Andy:Wait, is Don your brother?

Ron:Yes.

Don:You know, Ron, you've got quite a history with the Parks Department.

Ron:That's enough. Tour's over. Everyone out.

Leslie:I was just having fun about making matching shirts.

April:No, you didn't.

Leslie:Okay, I made them.

Andy:What kind of building are they constructing?

Ron:A parking garage. It's going to have spaces for cars, and also some spaces for cars.

Andy:Ron, don't you think there are a lot of creative problem solving opportunities in government?

Ron:No. And I don't want there to be. Creativity is a Latin word, meaning 'to make something.' If I have to make something, it means I don't have enough. Government should not encourage creativity. We should discourage it.

Don:There's apparently an established method for stacking vinyl sheets.

April:I'd just tell him that Grimace is a blob of undefined physicality.

Leslie:April, I'm so excited to show you the historical significance of these lampposts. Did you know that President Theodore Roosevelt walked past this very spot in 1902?

April:Actually, I met with President Roosevelt last week. We discussed economic policy.

Leslie:April, that's impossible. Theodore Roosevelt died in 1919.

April:I know. It was awkward.

Leslie:I had to make some guesses about your ultimate government objectives and your fashion choices, etcetera.

Ben:Hey guys, it's great to see you all! I've actuarily missed working with you.

Senator:Has anyone ever told you that your tenacity is intimidating?

Leslie:Yes. Every day. Since I was seven years old.

April:We're called 'The Decemberists' because we're trying to overthrow the government. Get it? Decemberists? December? December 1917? The Russian Revolution? We're very political.

Barney:What's April's college major?

Andy:She studied the completely impractical 'Halloween Studies'

Andy:Hey Barney, you know what they say about compound interest? It really... compounds the problem! Get it? Because it's compound, and it compounds? I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea what compound interest is, but I'm pretty sure that was hilarious.

Leslie:Wait, so I have to have a confirmation hearing? That's like... that's like winning the lottery! Except instead of money, I get to sit in front of a bunch of people and answer questions about my qualifications.

Ben:It's not really like winning the lottery.

Leslie:No, you're right. It's better. Because the odds of winning the lottery are like one in a million. But the odds of me getting confirmed? I'd say they're more like one in a thousand.

Leslie:You're a wuss for not handling pressure.

Retiree:My wife just died.

Leslie:Oh... I... I didn't know that.

Ben:Her résumé was just a signed photo of ALF

Andy:I need someone to do some mindless work for me.

Andy:Jerry!

Leslie:What do you see when you look at Washington?

April:A hundred thousand people who are worse than me.

Leslie:I see the heart of our democracy. A place where great men and women come to make a difference.

Leslie:The pinnacle is having a bench.

Leslie:I've created a comprehensive five-year plan for your life. Career trajectory, romantic milestones, financial goals—

April:No.

Leslie:You didn't even let me finish—

April:No to all of it. The plan, the milestones, the goals. No.

Madeleine Albright:I have negotiated with world leaders and survived the Cold War, but I have never seen anyone so excited about a half birthday.

Leslie Knope:I'm not too focused and driven.

Madeleine Albright:You just ate my salad while talking to me about your five-year plan.

Madeleine Albright:Leslie stole my waffle from the break room refrigerator. Not just any waffle—my homemade Belgian waffle with the pearl sugar that I brought from the UN cafeteria.

Craig:I just want to say, April is like Mary J. Blige.

April:That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Craig:I use Comic Sans because it conveys a sense of whimsy, which makes people want to hire me. I also put my references in white text on a white background so they're a surprise when they highlight the page. And I always list my skills in alphabetical order by how much I think about them during the day.

Andy:April, I'm gonna help you get this job. I'm gonna make the most patriotic display this town has ever seen.

April:Please don't.

Andy:Too late. I've already ordered a life-size cardboard cutout of Bald Eagle riding a motorcycle through the American flag while holding the Constitution and a apple pie.

April:Why would that help me get a job?

Andy:Because America, April. America.

April:I missed the tour of the world's largest ball of twine.

Leslie:That was last week! Why didn't you tell me?

April:Because I didn't want to go. I was being sarcastic.

Leslie:April, that's in Minnesota. It's a real thing.

April:I know it's real. That's what makes it worse.

April:You can't look at me during serious conversations. It makes me uncomfortable.

Leslie:Okay, I won't look at you.

April:Also, you have to wear shoe-mittens.

Leslie:What are shoe-mittens?

April:Mittens for your shoes. It's non-negotiable.

Leslie:April, I'm not wearing shoe-mittens.

April:Fine. Forget the shoe-mittens.

April:I meant every word of that. You all mean so much to me, and I'm grateful for—

April:Anyway, I hope you all die in a fire.

Alyssa:Remember that gift you gave me last year?

Leslie:Oh my god, yes! Did you love it?

Alyssa:It was a pillow with my face on it.

Leslie:A pillow with your beautiful face on it! So you could always have me with you when you sleep.

Leslie:Alyssa, this is April Ludgate. She's my assistant, and she's absolutely amazing. Brilliant, talented, beautiful...

Alyssa:I'm sorry, do I know you?

Leslie:No, but I'm just saying April is—

Alyssa:I think you need to leave me alone.

Alyssa:Stop following me around, okay? It's weird.

April:It's the perfect job for me. I get to work alone, mostly in the dark, organizing things that are already dead.

April:Everyone's been so nice to me lately. I think I need to bathe in pig's blood to get rid of it.

April:Everyone's being so nice to me. It's weird. I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I'll just go home and practice my stabbing.

Leslie:A freaking confirmation hearing? Excuse me a second. What's that? Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. To the best of my recollection, yes, I accept the job.

Leslie:Excuse me, ma'am. Do you mind if I borrow your hat? I just want to throw it up in the air victoriously. [stranger] No. [Leslie] Ma'am?

Andy:Simple solution? I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On my way out, look up at the blackboard. What is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it. X equals Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me, he says, 'I've been working on that for 50 years. Why don't you accept this math trophy?' By the time he turns around, I'm gone.

Ben:It's just a signed photograph of a puppet named ALF.

April:Fountains. Water. Sky. You. Looking at me like a crazy person.

Madeleine Albright · Leslie:Wow, Leslie. I haven't seen you this upset since you almost forgot Ann's half-birthday.

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'I love her, but you spend so much time and effort on someone's life and she's just going to quit on me? It's like, what's the point?'

Leslie · Madeleine Albright:Well, because when I knew I would be coming to Washington to work, I wore you down until you agreed to become my friend.

Madeleine Albright · Leslie:But sometimes, you're so focused and driven that you forget about people's feelings. / Name one time I've done that. / Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle.

Madeleine Albright:Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle.

Leslie:You're right, once again, Madeleine Albright.

Madeleine Albright · Leslie:Can I have my pin back now? [Leslie] Oh! Oh, yeah, sorry. Thank you for letting me wear it. It just makes me feel very powerful. [Albright] Me, too.

Donna · Ben:And $500 cash, in case you want to go the straight-up bribe route. [Ben] Donna.

Donna:You put me on the team, I find a way to win.

Garry/Jerry/Larry:I went through quite a few staples.

Donna:I added a personal testimony vouching for April's brilliance. And this guy better appreciate it, because I do not compare people to Mary J. Blige lightly.

Craig · Donna:Do you want to go to dinner tonight? [Craig] I do not. [Donna] Respect. [Craig] I'm free. [Donna] I have plans.

Andy:Give me the job! My name's April Ludgate, and my talent is explosive. Go USA! USA! USA!

April:Yeah, well, I had to miss the 'Memorable Rain Gutters of Washington' walking tour, so this better be good.

April · Leslie:Now take your shoes off and wear them like mittens. [Leslie] April. [April] Okay, sorry.

April · Leslie:And I love you very much. Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin. Which I could do because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil...

Leslie · April:[Leslie] I know. [April] And I hate everything. [Leslie] I know you do. I know.

April:I found this crazy woman on the street and she won't leave me alone.

Alyssa · Leslie:Two days later, we had set up the entire program, and she sent me a throw pillow with my face stitched onto it. [Leslie] Not my best work. Plus, you changed your hair. I'm going to send you another one.

Leslie:I don't know, Madeleine. They're taking forever, and I'm starting to lose it. Talk to me, okay? Your voice makes me calm. Tell me another Yeltsin story.

Leslie:Okay, she's here. I have to go. Bye. Say hi to your daughters.

April:I want to tell people what to do, and then send them far away from me.

April:I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

Andy:So, long story short, we might have found you the perfect job. But also, I might have blown it. Ben and Ron are there now to try to fix it. And if they don't, I feel like it's kind of on them.

Ron · Ben:Ben and Ron's pitch to Barney for April, ending with Ron: 'Please don't hold anything Andy did against April.'

Barney:You know what? If her friends are trying this hard, there must be something amazing about her.

April:Oh, boy. Okay. She doesn't want the job.

Barney:I see. [long beat] Well, this is uncomfortable.