¡Qué Sorpresa!

Jack:I said everyone, Sketch-Tron 6000.

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. Do not mention the underwater city of Sauronicon...

Jenna:If you don't volumize my hair, I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

Jack · Frank:Frank, how is your armpit thing? Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing.

Jack:Remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves.

Liz:Oh, do you need sex advice? Here's a tip. Sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on.

Jenna:That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?

Tracy:The box would make a perfect coffin for my Teddy Bear.

Tracy:You taking my nephew's virginity.

Jenna:I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.

Jack:a tiny desk with a miniature pen set on it

Liz:I assumed Avery would have a terrifying best friend she'd do stuff like that with.

Jack:Avery does have a sister, but Eugenia is currently institutionalized for nerves... Lesbian...

Jack:Michael Kors is a friend. We own a gay racehorse together. And I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable for ladies this winter.

Liz:It's my fault for asking.

Liz:Which is the premise of my one-act play The Seahorses of Warwickshire Abbey.

Liz · Jack:Oh, I know her. Hey, what ethnicity is she? No one knows.

Carmen:Mexican president Felipe Calderon is traveling this week to China to meet with premier Wen Jiabao, and then stopping for a well-deserved vacation in Negril, Jamaica, mon.

Liz:Carol's away a lot.

Jack:And that's not racist because I don't know what she is.

Jack · Liz:You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake. You are confident. And you ate dinner in front of a mirror last night.

Hank:I'm a hugger. No. Doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds.

Hank:Or 'hey, idiot,' like my wife does. I'm kidding. She's an angel.

Hank:This is no longer the executive dining room. It's the Everyone dining room.

Jack:This is where we used to hold retirement parties. The balcony below is probably still littered with stripper bones.

Hank:Do you know who came up with the idea for the DVR? It was the guy who drives me home every night. The original name for the DVR was 'The Thing Carlos Thought Of.'

Hank:What is this green stuff? Wipe it off. Wipe it off!

Carmen:I like pradort bag.

Carmen:I love their creepy little hands and the way they crawl fast, like a rat monster.

Liz:Some dude jacked me, and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.

Carmen:That's now how babies are made.

Carmen:So by the law of verbal traps, you have to do it.

Liz:even though all their advertising suggests it is a place for groups of friends to have a good time.

Tracy:Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt?

Jenna:Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?

Tracy:You'll never get her! Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!

Kenneth:Is she doing an expose on how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women?

Tracy:Lemon told me this morning she got jacked big time.

Jack:Like a bloodhound. Perhaps literally. We still don't know her genetic background.

Liz:because I have had my period for the last 61 days.

Jack:Don Geiss gave me this watch for firing a man on his deathbed!

Liz:How come when I try to get you to go to a murder-mystery party with me, it's all, 'we're business colleagues, Lemon'?

Jack · Liz:I don't know why I ever chose you as a friend. Let's just be clear about this... I chose you.

Kenneth · Liz:May I kiss your stomach? Absolutely not. Hello, beautiful. It's Uncle Wutzy.

Unknown writer:And my sidekick is a hot black chick who can read minds.

Unknown writer:We need a button that switches from pornography to basketball immediately. What you have isn't fast enough. My kids are starting to ask questions that I can't answer.

Unknown writer:Like nudity, or soccer.

Jack:Congratulations. Worst so far!

Frank:I will need to eat your umbilical cord.

Tracy:It'll turn the child into a Dracula.

Unknown writer · Liz:Remember, you're eating for two. Well, I guess two egg sandwiches... Times two is four.

Hank:I had naan.

Jack:I am a six sigma black belt ultra, with the groin branding to prove it.

Hank:What's six sigma? Rock band?

Jack:Television on. Channel, NBC. [nothing happens] That shouldn't happen. TV on! Voice activation, or 'vo-act...' [still nothing] Un-mute! Low volume. Low volume! TV mute!

Hank:You could call it 'Blabar.'

Kenneth:Not what my uncle does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that.

Kenneth:You didn't steal anything from me, sir. Last time I checked, best friends can't steal from each other.

Jack:This isn't how it works! You're the one being a silly Simon!

Liz:April 20th, Hitler's birthday.

Liz:Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.

Liz:In my vagina.

Liz:Rufus T. Barleysheath.

Liz:No...way that I'm not.

Carmen:She's a blonde. Don't you know there's a war going on?

Liz:First of all, Jack means nothing to me. Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him. I don't care.

Carmen:where you bare your stomach like the pregnant bitch that you are.

Jack:I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, then you eat the bunny.

Kenneth:Isn't that just Easter?

Jack:Blackmail me. Demand to sleep with Avery. Hit me. Hit me in the face!

Jack:Does he also solve mazes by starting from the end?

Jack:Oh, damn my krav maga training and lightning reflexes!

Jack:Release me, you hillbilly Circe!

Liz:Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking.

Hank:I don't fly, but I got my own bus with a pool table in it.

Hank:We'll drive to Branson together sometime, take in a Yakov Smirnoff show. Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place?

Hank:Oh, I didn't notice you there, son. You do not have a lot of charisma.

Hank:You have a reputation, Jack, as a shark. Kabletown, we're not sharks. We're more like... Whatever the friendliest fish is.

Hank:I'm not a science guy.

Kenneth · Hank:It doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds. You got that right, son. One...Mississippi...

Carmen:I will miss my dear friends here on basic cable.

Liz:Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs.

Frank:Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?

Tracy:Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.

Jenna:And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals.

Liz:Good God! I have been punished. These are yours to keep.

Unknown writer:What if we executed someone live on TV?

Unknown writer:And then I pull off my mask and I'm a lizard person too. Blackout. End of episode.