Wuphf.Com

Dwight:Nobody panic — follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

Kevin:My bad. Space heater and fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.

Jim · Kevin · Office Staff:The office tries to guess the server password by thinking of things happening 8 years ago: 'Lord of the Rings stuff?' and 'Everyone was getting their driver's license.'

Dwight:Moving backwards, our IT guys have been: Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso.

Kevin:Try 'big boobz' with a Z.

Dwight:The important thing is... this kept us secure, people.

Michael:At some point, somebody is going to have to step up and do my taxes, and it is not going to be me.

Ryan · Michael · Erin:The WUPHF demo: 'I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard back.' / 'You should've sent me a WUPHF.' / [all devices go off simultaneously] WUPHF! WUPHF! Dot-com!

Erin · Ryan:Erin enthusiastically shouts 'WUPHF! WUPHF! Dot-com!' as the product demo jingle/chant.

Pam:Yes, I invested in WUPHF. I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set — one that matches.

Michael:I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing, and then work our way up to Death Drop.

Dwight:My uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales. We called it Hay Place. Eldred called it Hay World. Eventually lawyers were brought in.

Dwight · Sheri:Wow. Good. Ample. You'll be playing the role of buxom Mother Harvest. You represent the facundity of the season, and you charge $3 a photo.

Dwight:Do you like dogs? I have, like, eight dogs. / [confessional cut] Hay Place romances never last.

Pam:I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest — if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob, I can pretty much sell anything.

Kevin:I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin's repeated 'Dunh-duh-na-dah!' fanfare followed by 'Zero.' twice — the second time after Oscar recalculates.

Michael:Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?

Michael:I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Some of these old guys walking around naked — it feels almost passive-aggressive.

Michael:Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Unknown Office Worker · Another Office Worker:You had me at 'sex.' / Pervert.

Oscar:Also, the Internet has a history of rewarding annoying white boys. All the ingredients are there.

Phyllis:Bob's finances are... complicated. He only invests with cash and only in nightclubs.

Michael · Andy:Michael coaxing Andy into WUPHF under false pretenses, then suggesting Andy could 'buy the Bernard Estate and burn it to the ground while your entire family watched.'

Michael · Andy:Maybe the next offer will be from Cornell. And they laughed you off of campus, right? So who's laughing now?

Dwight:Hello! Welcome to Hay Place: a Place for Hay.

Dwight:Most hay is basically horse toilet paper.

Visitor · Dwight:I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay. / Roll in the hay, $5, please.

Dwight:I've got a half an hour during lunch in between the historical reenactment of the Dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.

Oscar · Ryan:Oscar suggests WUPHF as an emergency notification for shooters or gas leaks on college campuses. Ryan: 'No, no, Oscar, it's not a digital rape whistle.'

Michael:Michael's reaction to Oscar pointing out they were going to go on the ski trip: 'I don't feel like skiing right now, Oscar.'

Michael:Michael's camera look / reaction beat: 'I don't feel like skiing right now, Oscar.' — delivered as a sad, dignified rejection of the suggestion.

Jim:Jim describing his day with no incentive to work: cleaned car, organized desk, taken a multivitamin. 'What now? Pam.'

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan's WUPHF growth chart presentation: 'Triple your investment by January.' Stanley: 'Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart.' Ryan: 'Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend... A lot of these guys are just mac.com, at their website whatever.'

Ryan · Michael:Earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend. You have his email? / A lot of these guys are just mac.com, at their website whatever.

Ryan · Michael · Office Staff · Oscar:Ryan's WUPHF condom marketing pitch: 50,000 condoms dropped from a helicopter over Spring Break Daytona Beach — the whole office joins in enthusiastically before Oscar brings it back to reality.

Ryan:Ryan's plan after extended deliberation: My aunt and uncle have a house in the Poconos. I can borrow it... no TV, no WUPHF... just play a video game, read a book, clear my head. I just need just, like, three good days.

Unknown Child · Dwight:I found the needle in the haystack! / Hey, congratulations. Do you know what your prize is? / I don't know. / Nothing. / Life lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

Oscar:That's good. That'll leave six days. Nice little vacation? Perfect.

Michael:You know that that was my idea, right? I said to Ryan, 'I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!' And that's how it happened, and that's what I told my lawyer.

Andy · Oscar:W.U.P.H.F. / Oh, God. They only want it for the initials. The domain name.

Jim · Dwight:Instead of Hay Place, it should be Pay Place. / Don't laugh at me.

Jim:Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-me-your-money day.

Unknown Woman at Hay Place:That's humorous.

Unknown Child:Do you guys know how to get out?

Unnamed Woman:'Do you guys know how to get out?' — the woman in the hay maze can't find the exit.

Michael · Pam:Why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors? / I'm sure no one asked you to do that.

Michael · Holly:Holly tells Michael that Ryan is taking advantage of him; Michael's defense: 'I think you are wrong.'

Jim · Meredith:Jim recruits Meredith for a task by asking about her reach and breath-holding ability. 'How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?'

Michael:Michael's story about David Geffen: 'The next time I saw David Geffen was at the Buffalo Club. I love you, you gay bastard,' I said. 'You gay bastard,' I s— 'Gay ba—' 'Gay b—'

Michael:The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, 'You're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.'

Michael · Ryan:Ryan suggests a second mortgage on his condo. Michael: 'A lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.'

Ryan · Michael:You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot, eating our private meal cooked by our private chef. / Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so... / We totally should. / Tonight? / I got to work on this. / Oh, right. What am I saying? / Rain check.

Dwight · Child · Adult Woman at Hay Place · Dwight:Mommy doesn't know how to build a birdhouse. / Jason. / Oh, sweetie, who's Jason? / Mommy says not to talk about Jason. / Toby, start the clock.

Dwight:Hay King contest: Dwight conducts it by applause, announces a three-way tie between 'Purebred' and 'Mixed-Bred,' then declares himself Hay King.

Dwight · Angela:Women aren't allowed to address the Hay King directly. Go away. / [Angela approaches anyway] It's okay. I've been waiting for you all day.

Dwight:More ale.

Michael · Therapist/Counselor:Michael's therapy session analogy: 'Like, if you took a person, turned him into a car, and then used the car and then somebody bought the car and started racing with the car... and this car was, like, human—' / 'If I come up with a movie idea in this, who owns it?' / 'That movie already exists. You're talking about Herbie.' / 'I never saw it.' / 'They can't sue me.' / 'Did you really never see it?' / 'I saw it on TV, but they can't prove that.'

Michael:Well, maybe you should handle your own situation now that you know that Jason is banging your wife.

Dwight · Angela · Dwight:So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin... would I get through to you? / You would. / And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you? / My wife passed away a few years ago. / How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.

Oscar:Consider it a WUPHF in person.

Jim:Jim appears at the hay maze: 'Consider it a WUPHF in person.' — Jim has navigated the maze to find the investors ambushing Ryan.

Oscar:It's not that we don't believe in the company. We don't believe in you.

Michael:I am not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it.

Michael:I would rather go broke betting on my people than get rich all by myself on some island like a castaway.

Michael · Ryan:Ryan, I believe in you, just like I believe in all of you. / You have nine days to save everybody's money. / Oh... Uh, that's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time. / You can't have it.

Dwight:'Mother Earth' by Dwight Kurt Schrute: poem read aloud, including 'He wields a giant man sword round. He penetrates the Mother Earth, once, twice, again and again and again and again for all he's worth, pounding into her soft, warm dirt. Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy. And sudden relief.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and unknown woman are stuck in the hay maze. / 'I am not gonna die in here.' / 'Angela! Angela!'

Michael:Oscar is my queen. / That's easy. Give me a hard one. / That's what Oscar said.

Michael:And I am obviously the joker. So... that's, uh—

Michael:Gabe Lewis. Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.

Michael:Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter one.

Michael:Chapter one. 'I was born, not into luxury nor poverty, but into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My father was a man. That's all we can know.'

Michael · Gabe:After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane, which would later become my—' / All right, good night, Gabe.

Michael:Just wanted to say thanks again, 'cause I really think I made good use of my day.