Milk Money

Moira:What is this? A... a municipal gathering? In a church basement? With folding chairs and store-bought refreshments?

Moira:I've attended galas on yachts with less tragic energy than this.

Johnny:Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm not going to wear cargo shorts.

Moira:That's exactly the problem.

Twyla:Here's your name tag.

Moira:A name tag? Twyla, this is a fashion emergency. Do you have any idea what this will do to my silhouette? It's going to create an unfortunate visual interruption right at the bust line.

Twyla:Well, she was wearing a large feathered headdress, and a sequined bodysuit that was mostly sheer, with like, seven-inch platform heels, and she had glitter all over her face.

Moira:I considered a Mohawk for the political event, but I thought it might be too subtle.

Moira:I thought, 'What if I brought a little glamour to politics?' And then I remembered those parties in the Hamptons, you know, the... social gatherings. Very inclusive. Everyone was welcome. Very open-minded. And I thought, 'That's the template.'

Roland:Well, well, well, look who's here.

Roland:Moira, you're looking very... Elvis today.

Roland:You know, Moira, you're a lot like Elvis.

Moira:Oh?

Roland:Yeah, you know, the whole... the whole Vegas thing, the jumpsuits, the, uh... the way people just kind of stare at you.

Moira:Roland.

Roland:Not in a bad way! I mean, Elvis was... he was very loved. Very respected. Although, you know, towards the end, he did let himself go a little bit, and—no, no, I'm not saying you're letting yourself go. You look great. You always look great. I just meant the legacy thing. You know, how some people remember you one way and then...

Johnny:Well, she's getting attention, isn't she? I call that a hit.

Bob:This raw milk comes from cows with the most beautiful breasts.

Johnny:Bob, do you understand the gravity of what you've done? Raw milk is incredibly dangerous.

Bob:It's just milk from a local farm, Johnny.

Johnny:JUST milk? Bob, you're a criminal. A hardened criminal. I'm going to have to distance myself from you.

Bob:If I go to prison for milk, my girlfriend won't wait for me.

Johnny:I'm very discrete. I can keep a secret about milk.

Johnny:You need some whole milk? I know a guy. He's got the good stuff, keeps it in the back. Very fresh. Moves it fast.

Moira:I'm not difficult, I'm just particular. There's a difference.

David:Well, that's not really a question, so I'm not sure how you expect me to answer it.

Moira:You know, Stevie, I'm just like you. I'm an average... Jane.

Stevie:Yeah, well, the masses are also following a guy on TikTok who eats cereal with orange juice, so.

Moira:You know, Stevie, I'm going to simplify this for you. When I was your age, I was already fluent in three languages. Well, two and a half if you count my brief Esperanto phase. But the point is, education is really about expanding one's vocabulary and cultural references.

Stevie:Moira, I went to college.

Moira:Yes, well, a community college, dear. That's very... resourceful of you.

Moira:Well, you know, Stevie, I went to a very prestigious boarding school in Switzerland. We had a curriculum that was quite rigorous. But I'm sure your high school experience was... quaint in its own way.

Moira:Is that your girlfriend?

Stevie:No, that's my business partner.

Moira:Oh, so she's a lesbian too?

Stevie:No, she's just my business partner.

Moira:Well, that's still very modern.

Stevie:Yeah, thanks for the compliment... I think.

David:I'm not unapproachable. I'm just... discerning about who I interact with. The Queen of England has the same demeanor, and people seem to respect her just fine.

Alexis:Oh my God, hi! I didn't know you'd be here.

Ted:Yeah, I was just... I had to pick up some files.

Alexis:Right. Of course. That makes total sense. You look... I mean, your hair looks... Did you do something different?

Ted:No, it's the same.

Alexis:Yeah, no, I knew that. I just meant... anyway. So how have you been? Because I've been great. Really great. Not thinking about you at all.

Ted:So I booked us this amazing resort package. Turns out it was specifically for jilted grooms.

Ted:Well, I sold my engagement ring to buy this motorcycle. So really, Sheila breaking up with me was the best investment I ever made.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, you look so... cool.

Ted:Yeah? I picked up a motorcycle.

Alexis:That's so sexy. I didn't know you had a dangerous side.

Ted:Well, I'm taking it slow. I mostly just ride to the animal clinic.

Alexis:Oh.

Ted:Well, I mean, bikers have a very high rate of head injuries, and most of them don't wear helmets, which is just... it's irresponsible. And the leather — sure, it looks cool, but it's not going to protect you from much. And don't even get me started on the motorcycles themselves. Do you know how many accidents I see? It's a lot.

Twyla:Well, I bought it from a guy in a van in the Walmart parking lot.

Twyla:I was just thinking about the time my dad tried to milk an elk. I'm not actually sure if that's something you can do with an elk. Can you milk an elk?

Johnny:I'm looking for milk. Fresh milk. The good stuff. You know what I'm talking about.

Twyla:You'd be a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.

Alexis:Wait, so you're saying you want to start small, maybe work your way up to a larger operation? Because honestly, Dad, the key is consistency. You need reliable suppliers, a solid customer base, and you definitely can't be doing business out of the same location every time. That's like, Drug Dealing 101.

Alexis:You know, if you're going to sell raw milk, you have to treat it like a major criminal enterprise. You need lookouts, code words, a whole distribution network.

Johnny:I need to get in touch with Ted. Do you have his number?

Alexis:Um, yeah, I think so. I dated him for like three weeks in 2015.

Johnny:Well, can you just call him?

Alexis:Dad, I've dated a lot of people. I can't just call every guy I've ever been with.

Johnny:Why not? You seem to have kept in touch with most of them.

Jocelyn:Thank you so much for helping me pick out this outfit, David. You have such great taste.

David:Well, I appreciate that, but I should mention that I have no recollection of this interaction, and if anyone asks, I was not here.

Jocelyn:What? Why would you say that?

David:Because you're wearing it to support your husband's business, and I have a reputation to protect.

Johnny:You brought things? Alexis, we discussed this. I asked you to bring necessities. Basic necessities.

Alexis:I did bring necessities, Dad. These are things that I need.

Johnny:You brought your winter shoe collection to a motel room in a town we may only be in for a few weeks.

Alexis:Wait, how much did you spend?

David:$47,000.

Alexis:On what?

David:Candles.

Alexis:For the store?

David:Yes, for the store.

Alexis:How many candles are we talking?

Johnny:Three hundred dollars?

Alexis:No, three thousand.

Johnny:Alexis, you destroyed the entire milk supply! Do you understand what you've done?

Alexis:Daddy, I know, but honestly, I think you should be thanking me.

Johnny:Thanking you? For what?

Alexis:Well, I could have just left it there, but instead I cleaned it up. You're welcome.

Roland:I'm going in armed. Got my BB gun right here.

Roland:I've run dozens of checkpoints. Hundreds maybe. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Roland:Where's the... the checkpoint thing? And what am I looking for again?

Alexis:Well, I was in Johannesburg when I was 14, but that was before I got my braces off, so it was really more of a phase.

Ronnie:All three wives had the same name

Twyla:So let me get this straight. You had three wives, and they were all named Gayle?

Twyla:That's not a pattern, that's a fetish.

Moira:Jocelyn, you look absolutely radiant. Is that from the store? Well, I mean, it certainly looks expensive.

Roland:Officer, the name's Buck Henry.

Johnny:Wait, that's my name too?

Roland:Well, I wasn't going to give you a good one.

Roland:No, no, no, you don't understand. My name isn't actually Roland Schitt.

Roland:It's... it's Roland Schitt. That's the real one. The other one was fake.

Roland:What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm explaining myself!

Roland:The fake name was also Roland Schitt, but spelled different. With a 'y.' Rolynd.

Alexis:Actually, it's Jennifer Rose. Jennifer Rose Goldstein. My parents are both doctors, and I grew up in Connecticut, and I went to Brown.

Alexis:I'm actually a competitive figure skater, and I'm just taking a year off to find myself.

Officer:You're a dairy farmer in a Valentino suit?

Johnny:When the weather's good.

Johnny Rose:I'm a dairy farmer.

Woman Officer:You're wearing a cashmere sweater.

Johnny Rose:Yes, well, it's a very nice dairy farm.

Officer:Pull over, Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!

Roland:Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt? That's not— wait, that's my fake name system. How do you know my fake name system?

Moira:Jocelyn, that ensemble looks like it was curated by a woman who shops exclusively at gas stations and believes that fabric softener is a personality trait.

Moira:A knife? David, a knife is what you use when someone has already stabbed you in the back. It's the tool of the betrayed, the weapon of the wounded. If you're asking me for a knife, then you've already lost the war.

Roland:I was very convincing. I looked them right in the eye, didn't break character for a second.

Roland:I think I really threw them off with that bit where I said 'I definitely wasn't there' three times in a row.

Roland:And when I started sweating profusely and my eye twitched, I'm pretty sure that sealed it. Very authentic stuff.

David:We need to search for those compromising photos before they surface.

Moira:Well, I suppose we could hire someone discrete. Though the last time we hired help, they turned out to be running a side business selling our vintage clothing to consignment shops.

David:That's not helpful, Mother.

Moira:I'm simply saying, David, that in this family we've learned that when you try to contain a problem, it usually results in someone's intimate apparel ending up on eBay with a detailed provenance.

David Rose:We need to search for nude photos of myself on the internet.

Patrick Brewer:Why would there be nude photos of you on the internet?

David Rose:I don't know, Patrick. Why would there be a stranger in a storm cellar?