The Van Buren Boys

Jerry:Nixon's five o'clock shadow being called a 'thick beard'

Jerry:I made up a presidential name.

Kramer:What is it?

Jerry:Harrison Ford.

Kramer:That sounds very presidential.

Jerry:I know! And he's not even real!

Jerry:I have a theory about presidents and their names. All the presidents with bad names became obsessed with power to compensate for it. Think about it - they needed to prove themselves because of what their parents saddled them with. So they overcompensated by becoming the most powerful person in the world. It's a defense mechanism.

Jerry:You know, I have a theory about men who wear those big, puffy jackets. They're overcompensating for something.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Jerry:It's classic overcompensation. The bigger the jacket, the bigger the insecurity.

Kramer:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Is it? Then why do you wear that puffy jacket everywhere?

Jerry:You know what would be great? A clock that counts down to your death. So you'd always know exactly how much time you have left.

George:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Jerry:No, think about it. You'd never be late for anything. You'd know exactly when to leave.

Kramer:I'd smash it.

Jerry:Of course you would. But imagine—you're lying there dying, and the clock is absolutely accurate. You get to be smug about it. 'See? Told you it was right.'

Jerry:So, what do you like for dessert?

Ellen:Oh, I love tiramisu. Actually, we should celebrate tonight—it's my birthday!

Jerry:Your birthday? You scheduled our first date on your birthday?

Ellen:Well, yeah. I wanted to spend it with you.

Jerry:That's... that's a lot of pressure for a first date.

George:What are you doing? You can't just move your birthday. That's like when they moved Lincoln's birthday. You don't see Lincoln complaining about it.

Jerry:You know what's ironic? Susan's setting up a scholarship in her name, and you're not even invited to the ceremony.

George:What? That's ridiculous. I don't care about that. I'm glad she's doing it. It's a wonderful thing.

George:I think it's great. Really great. I'm very happy for her.

George:Who needs to be at some ceremony anyway? Not me. I've got things to do.

Student:My favorite animal is a frog.

George:Frog? That's wrong. That's objectively wrong. A frog cannot be your favorite animal. It's impossible.

George:You know, I've been thinking about your harp. It's a beautiful instrument, but it's got some real problems.

Student:Problems? What kind of problems?

George:Well, for one thing, it's too big. Why does it have to be so big? Make it smaller. And while you're at it, add some wheels. Put it on wheels so you can roll it around. And cup holders. Every instrument should have cup holders.

Student:Cup holders on a harp?

George:Yeah! And a little basket for your snacks. You're sitting there playing for hours, you get hungry. You need easy access to a sandwich.

Student:Well, the harp actually dates back to ancient Mesopotamia, and the earliest harps were—

George:Yeah, yeah, that's great. So you got any gum?

George:Perfect grades? How'd you manage that? You cheating or something?

Student:No, I study hard.

George:Study hard. Right. That's what they all say. Nobody gets perfect grades by studying. There's gotta be an angle.

George:Who's your favorite chess player?

Steven:Nastercoff.

George:Nastercoff? I've never heard of him.

Steven:Well, he's very obscure.

George:You know this guy?

Steven:Yeah, I know him.

George:How do you know him?

Steven:Well, I made him up too.

Steven:I think I failed the test.

George:Well, I appreciate your honesty. Sit down.

George:I've been telling people I'm a architect.

Steven:An architect?

George:Yeah, I'm very good at it. I have a vision, I see things the way they're supposed to be. But I don't ever follow through with it.

Steven:You're not an architect, are you?

George:No, I'm not.

Jerry:So Elaine's ghost-writing Peterman's book?

Jerry:Well, somebody's gonna need to ghost-read it.

Kramer:What's with the crook eye?

Kramer:They're as mean as Martin Van Buren was

Kramer:What? What'd I do?

Kramer:Former Van B Boy - that's a casual gang nickname.

Kramer:That pizza was terrible.

Jerry:So you guys know Ellen from work?

Ellen's Friends:Yeah, we volunteer with her at the soup kitchen.

Jerry:Oh, that's nice. So you do charity work together.

Ellen's Friends:Well, we consider dating you charity work.

Jerry:Her friends pity her.

George:Well, yeah. She's the group's punching bag.

George:You should really get to know her better. Look deeper.

Jerry:I'm not a deep person. I'm a pretty superficial guy. I like TV, I like food, I like checking things off lists. That's me.

George:I found someone for the scholarship. He can read!

Jerry:He can read?

George:Well, he can read a little. He's very close.

George:He's very smart. He went to Cornell.

Jerry:Cornell?

George:What, you think I'm lying? I know about Cornell. My father went there.

Jerry:So he's very smart.

George:No, he's not very smart. I said he went to Cornell. That doesn't make him smart. He's very stupid. But he does have a lot of money.

Jerry:So Steven wants to be an architect.

George:Yeah, he's very talented. He drew a beautiful blueprint of our garage.

Jerry:That's great. You know, you should have been an architect, George.

George:Me? I'm not qualified.

Jerry:You were an architect for the New York City Parks Department.

George:I'm living vicariously through Steven. He's actually becoming what I've been pretending to be my whole life.

George:I had this dream last night where I was shopping at the Gap, and they kept trying to sell me a blue sweater.

Jerry:That's nothing. I dreamed I was a circus performer, and my act was just standing on one leg while playing the clarinet backwards.

George:That doesn't make any sense.

Jerry:Exactly! It was a dream!

Elaine:Your apartment is amazing. How much is the rent?

Peterman:Oh, I don't know. My accountant handles all that.

Elaine:You don't know your own rent?

Peterman:Why would I? I just live here.

Peterman:I wanted to discuss my autobiography with you.

Peterman:But first, I need to understand something. I was watching TV last night and I couldn't find the Food Network. Is it still on channel 32 or did it move to 41?

Peterman:Because I had it marked in my guide, but now there's some home improvement show there instead.

Peterman:And don't even get me started on HGTV. When did that become a separate channel?

Peterman:Anyway, my autobiography...

Elaine:Mr. Peterman, your life is so fascinating. You should write a book.

Mr. Peterman:You really think so?

Elaine:Absolutely. I mean, the things you've done, the places you've been... it's all so... unique.

Elaine:I can't use Kramer's story. It's his story.

Peterman:Well, what if we just bought someone else's experience?

Peterman:I was thinking about my biography. It's time to get serious about my legacy.

Peterman:But first, has anyone seen my cashmere throw? I can't find it anywhere. And the heating bill came in — it's astronomical!

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. You're drinking coffee at 2 PM? That's a Thursday coffee time. On a Tuesday? What are you doing?

Ellen:I'm just thirsty.

Jerry:Thirsty. Right. That's what you'd say. But why NOW? Did something happen? Did someone call you? Are you meeting someone later?

Ellen:No, I just wanted coffee.

Jerry:Just wanted it. Uh-huh. See, that's the thing. Nobody JUST wants coffee. There's always a reason. You're nervous about something, aren't you? This is a nervous coffee.

Jerry:Wait, so you're saying that actually makes sense?

Ellen:Yeah, when you think about it logically, it's perfectly reasonable.

Jerry:Oh! Oh, well that's great! That's fantastic! I feel so much better now! Really, thank you so much for clearing that up!

George:This man right here, Steven Steinberg, is a shining example of what we look for in a scholarship recipient. Average grades, average test scores, average physical appearance. He's an average student. But that's what makes him so extraordinary.

George:You see, in today's world, we're always pushing people to be the best, to excel, to stand out. But what about the average man? What about Steven here, who has the courage, the fortitude, to just... be okay at things?

George:That takes real strength. Real character. So I'm proud to present this scholarship to Steven Steinberg, a man who has achieved the remarkable feat of being completely, utterly, thoroughly mediocre.

George:You know, Steven, architect—that's the top. That's the pinnacle. You reach architect, you've made it. You've won. That's the game right there.

George:You know, I've been thinking about my life, and I realize I'm not living up to my potential.

Steven:What do you mean? You're an architect.

George:Exactly! I'm just an architect. I should be aiming higher. I should be a... a really successful architect.

Steven:But George, if you're an architect and that's not good enough, then nothing will ever be good enough. You're always going to be dissatisfied.

George:Well... yeah, but at least I'd be dissatisfied at a higher level.

Board Member:You know, that does make sense.

George:No it doesn't!

Board Member:Architecture? That's not a real profession.

George:It is too! And it's not a suitcase, it's a drafting table!

Board Member:You know, I've always thought architecture was just what dentists do when they fail at dentistry.

George:That's ridiculous. Architecture is a legitimate profession.

Board Member:Is it? Or is it just a place for unsuccessful tooth-pullers to hide?

Peterman:That is the most extraordinary story I have ever heard. The Van Buren Boys! A whole society operating right under our noses. The nobility of street life, the code, the honor amongst thieves. It's like something out of a Dickens novel. Magnificent.

Kramer:I got stories. I got stories for days.

Peterman:Well, I'd love to hear them. What kind of stories?

Kramer:Oh, you know, adventure stories, mystery stories, erotica...

Peterman:I want to buy all of your stories. What's your asking price?

Kramer:Two hundred thousand dollars.

Peterman:I'll give you a hundred thousand.

Kramer:Sold!

Kramer:Bob Sacamano's on the phone.

Elaine:What does he want?

Kramer:I don't know, something about his car.

Elaine:Just tell him you'll call him back.

Kramer:Yeah, okay.

Elaine:Wait, Kramer, you're wearing the pants you're going to return?

Kramer:Yeah.

Elaine:So what are you going to wear home?

Kramer:These pants.

Elaine:Your friends are terrible people.

Kramer:Yeah, well, maybe they'd be better if they'd just loosen up a little.

Jerry:Why would you do that?

George:Why would I do that? Why would I do that?! You know what, Jerry? This is exactly what's wrong with you. You question everything. You question my methods, my choices, my very existence! I'm out of here!

George:My father used to hold me down. Now I hold my son down. It's a generational tradition.

Jerry:George, you can't just give money to a college in someone's name and expect them to take it.

George:Why not? I'm establishing a scholarship.

Jerry:A scholarship for what? 'Most Likely to Disappoint'?

George:It's the Benes Scholarship. For students who show real promise.

Jerry:George, you're not exactly a glowing endorsement for academic excellence.

George:What are you talking about? I'm very smart.

Jerry:You're not dumb. But let's just say you're not exactly the guy you want representing a scholarship.

George:Ellen is a loser.

George:This is like the Twilight Zone or something.

Jerry:That describes most Twilight Zone episodes.

Steven:You told me you went to Yale!

George:I got in, but I didn't go.

Steven:What do you mean you didn't go?

George:I decided to take a different path.

Steven:A different path? You joined a presidential street gang!

Gang Member:Yeah, we're very organized. We're the Lincoln Brigade.

Kramer:You know what this is? This is authentic marinara sauce. I got it from this guy, Vincenzo, he makes it in his apartment in Little Italy.

Guest:It's... it's good.

Kramer:Good? GOOD?! This isn't good, this is liquid gold! Do you know what Vincenzo charges for this? Forty dollars a jar!

Guest:Forty dollars?

Kramer:That's right. And I bought twelve jars. TWELVE! Because when you got money, you don't mess around with the cheap stuff anymore.

Kramer:I got a story for you.

Elaine:No, you don't.

Kramer:Yes, I do!

Elaine:No, Kramer, you don't have any experiences of your own. You just live vicariously through other people's lives.

Kramer:That's not true!

Elaine:When's the last time you did something that wasn't based on something somebody else told you?

Kramer:So anyway, I'm at the coffee shop, right? And I see this woman, and she's... she's doing this thing with her hair, and I'm thinking, 'This is going somewhere,' you know? But I can't tell you where it's going because my lawyer said I'd get sued.

Kramer:So instead, let's just say... I ordered a tuna on toast. And it was... adequate.

George:I need protection from these guys.

Kramer:Why don't you just tell them you used to be in the gang?

George:I was never in a gang.

Kramer:They don't know that.

Elaine:I don't know what you want from me. Some of these 'stories' are just inventory lists.

Elaine:He's got a coffee maker, a toaster, a blender...

Jerry:Wait, is my TV on that list?

Elaine:Yeah, it's right here.

Jerry:My TV?!

Kramer:I got a terrible bunion situation going on here.

Jerry:A bunion? What are you talking about?

Kramer:Yeah, it's huge. I'm thinking about having it removed.

Jerry:Removed? You mean surgery?

Kramer:Yeah, I saw this guy, he does it right there in his office. He's got this special tool, it's like a cheese grater.

Jerry:A cheese grater?!

Kramer:Yeah, he just goes to work on it. Shavings everywhere.

Kramer:I got these stories from Newman. He said they were gold, Jerry, gold!

Jerry:Newman sold you stories?

Kramer:Yeah, and I got ripped off. They're all terrible.

Elaine:No, no, no. You can't just say you went to the movies. You have to make it an adventure.

Kramer:What do you mean?

Elaine:Well, like... 'I'm sitting in the theater, right? And the couple in front of me, they're making out. So I tap the guy on the shoulder, and I say, Hey buddy, you're blocking my view. And he turns around - he's huge. He's like a refrigerator with a head.'

Kramer:But that didn't happen.

Elaine:So what? You think people want to hear the truth? They want a story!

Elaine:It was a dark and stormy night. I was alone in my apartment when suddenly there was a knock at the door...

Peterman:That's the most clichéd opening in the history of literature. 'A dark and stormy night'? 'Alone in my apartment'? This is hackneyed, derivative drivel.

Elaine:Well, what's wrong with it?

Peterman:What's wrong with it? Everything! You're relying on every tired, worn-out trope in the book. If you're going to write, write something original. Something with teeth. Something that hasn't been done a thousand times before.

Peterman:You know, I think this is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. The pants are ruined, you return them to the store where you bought them, and they become the symbol of man's struggle against the very laws of nature itself.

Peterman:It's poetry. It's irony in its purest form.

Kramer:I want my stories back, Mr. Peterman.

Peterman:Your stories? Kramer, those stories are mine now. I've woven them into the very fabric of my catalogue.

Kramer:They're my life experiences!

Peterman:A vagabond's ramblings. But Elaine, now there's a writer. Her prose has real structure, real meaning.

Elaine:Thank you, Mr. Peterman.

Peterman:I want you to write something with more... personal flavor. Weave yourself into my romantic narratives.

Elaine:I'm sorry, what?

Peterman:My stories need authenticity. A woman's touch. Your touch, specifically, in my romantic encounters.

Elaine:Mr. Peterman, I think there's been a misunderstanding about my job here.

Gang Member:What are you doing?

George:I'm throwing the sign. I'm a member.

Gang Member:That's not the sign.

George:Well, the sign must have changed since I was in the gang.

Ellen:I have a PhD in theoretical physics from MIT.

Jerry's Mom:That's wonderful! Frank, did you hear that?

Jerry's Dad:Very impressive.

Jerry's Mom:Oh my God, we have to feed her. Frank, go get the brisket!

Jerry's Mom:Wait, did anyone feed the meter?

Morty Seinfeld:She's wonderful, Jerry. Your mother and I think Ellen is just terrific.

Helen Seinfeld:Such a nice girl. So smart, so funny.

Jerry:Yeah, she's great.

Morty Seinfeld:We think you should marry her.

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marry her? I don't know about that.

Helen Seinfeld:Why not? Everyone likes her!

Jerry:That's exactly why! If my parents like her, if everyone likes her, there's something wrong with her. There has to be.

Jerry's Mom:Ellen is so much nicer than Amber. Amber was awful.

Jerry:Awful? What do you mean awful?

Jerry's Mom:She was rude, she was mean, she had no manners.

Jerry:You know, I don't remember her being that bad.

George:Give me your wallet!

Jerry's Dad:What? George, what are you doing?

George:Your wallet! Now! I'm serious!

Jerry's Dad:You call this mugging? This is pathetic. I've seen tougher guys at the early bird special.

George:Don't test me! I will hurt you! I will really hurt you!

Jerry's Dad:You're sweating. You're all nervous. You couldn't hurt a fly. You can't even order a sandwich without getting aggravated.

George:That's different! This is a mugging! I'm a mugger! Give me the wallet or I'll... I'll...

Jerry's Dad:You'll what? Have a panic attack? Sit down, you're making me tired just looking at you.

Jerry's Dad:What are you doing? You're mugging people?

George:I'm trying! Nobody's taking me seriously!

Jerry's Mom:George, that's not nice. You don't mug people.

Jerry's Dad:You're gonna get arrested. Is that what you want?

George:I just want someone to be scared of me!

Jerry's Mom:Well, you're scaring us. Now sit down and have some lunch.