The Susie

Kramer:So what do you think a guy can make these days as a gigolo?

Jerry:I don't know, Kramer. Why?

Kramer:Well, I'm thinking about it as a career move.

Jerry:Why is everything more expensive in Manhattan?

Kramer:It's like the Japanese say: 'The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.' We're all nails, Jerry. Manhattan is the hammer.

Kramer:So what do you think my services are worth?

Jerry:Well, let's see. You eat my food, you use my shower, you sleep on my couch... I'd say I owe you money.

Jerry:So what do you think this is worth?

Kramer:Oh, I'd say... three thousand dollars.

Jerry:Three thousand dollars?!

Kramer:Yeah, maybe more.

Kramer:Jerry, you're always demeaning me!

Jerry:I'm not demeaning you.

Kramer:You are! You demean me constantly!

Jerry:Kramer, I barely think about you at all.

Jerry:They don't tell you about it until the last minute. I was at the bank yesterday, and they're like, 'Oh, by the way, we're moving the clocks tonight.' I'm like, 'What? Now? I've got plans!'

Kramer:An hour! They steal an hour from you!

Jerry:I know! I was supposed to do laundry that hour.

Kramer:You know what? I'm not changing my clock. Daylight saving time is ridiculous.

Jerry:What do you mean you're not changing your clock? Everyone changes their clock.

Kramer:Not me. I'm staying on my time. If the sun's in the wrong place, that's the sun's problem.

Jerry:That's not how it works.

Kramer:I've already sent a letter to the government. I'm withdrawing from daylight saving time. I'm declaring independence.

Kramer:I'm gonna go around and individually change everybody's clocks.

Jerry:Oh, that's a good plan.

George:Mike! Hey, how are ya?

Mike:George! Great to see you!

George:Yeah, good to see you too.

Mike:So, what've you been up to?

George:Oh, you know, the usual. Work, life...

Mike:Remember that time I said you were being a phony?

George:That was FIVE YEARS AGO, Mike!

Mike:How are things going?

Jerry:Great! You know, I'm really doing well. I mean, things are going great. Really great.

Jerry:You know, if you're gonna be a criminal, you might as well go all the way. Why stop at bookie? Why not just rob people? At least then you'd know what you are.

Kramer:Yeah, I got a gambling problem. I need to see a doctor.

Jerry:A doctor? For gambling?

Kramer:Yeah, it's a sickness. I can't help myself.

Mike:Are you still mad?

Jerry:No, no. It's water under the bridge.

Kramer:Water under the fridge.

Jerry:What's wrong with Susie? Susie's a good name.

Elaine:I don't want to be called Susie. I'm not a Susie.

Jerry:Well, what would you like to be called?

Elaine:I don't know. Something cool.

Jerry:How about Kimba?

Elaine:I look like a Sharon? What does that mean? What does a Sharon look like?

Jerry:You know, a Sharon. Perm, big sunglasses, drives a Cadillac, lives on Long Island.

Elaine:I do not look like a Sharon! A Sharon wears a warm-up suit, has a best friend named Brenda, and orders a Cosmopolitan at a bar!

George:It's a black-tie event. Very exclusive. The Pinstripe Ball.

Jerry:So what, you get dressed up, stand around, try to look important?

George:It's not like that. It's very sophisticated.

Jerry:You're going to spend three hours getting ready, worrying about whether your date likes you, and at the end of the night you're going to go home alone anyway. It's a high school dance for old people.

Jerry:Kind of a Yankee prom?

George:She's got a great personality, she's smart, she's funny, she's got a good job...

Jerry:She's got a what?

George:A good job.

Jerry:No, before that.

George:She's funny?

Jerry:No, no, no. Before that. She's got a great what?

George:Personality.

Jerry:She's got a great personality? I thought you said she's got a great posterior!

George:You know, I was thinking about buying Susan a backless dress.

Jerry:A backless dress? How does she get into it?

George:What do you mean, how does she get into it? She pulls it over her head like a normal dress.

Jerry:No, no, no. If there's no back, there's no way in. She'd have to enter from the side. You'd need some kind of door.

Jerry:So you really think the ball is just going to come spinning in here?

George:Of course it is! What, you think it's going to roll in? It's a ball, Jerry. It twirls.

Jerry:Balls don't automatically twirl.

George:This one does. I'm telling you, I have complete confidence in this ball's ability to twirl.

George:I got courtside Knicks tickets!

George:Do you know what these cost? These are premium seats.

George:I'm gonna need a kidney transplant after this.

George:She wants to talk about our relationship.

Jerry:That's the worst thing. That's like a death sentence. When someone says 'we need to talk about our relationship,' that's it. It's over.

George:Yeah.

Jerry:There's nothing good that comes from that conversation.

George:I couldn't face her. So I had my answering machine on, I didn't return her calls for three days. Then I ran into her at the Korean deli on Broadway.

George:I told her my car broke down, I was in the shop, I couldn't get in touch with anyone. I said my phone was broken.

George:Then I avoided that deli for two weeks. I went to a different deli three blocks away just so I wouldn't run into her.

Jerry:She's not going to call you back.

George:What? Why not?

Jerry:Because you're not going to call her.

George:So?

Jerry:So she knows you're not going to call her, so she's not going to call you.

George:I might call her.

Jerry:You're not going to call her.

George:You don't know that!

Jerry:I know that.

Jerry:Yeah, this place has a real reputation. I've seen more relationships end over a tuna sandwich here than at a couples therapist.

George:Like her? Jerry, I love her. She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful...

George:But let's be honest here - she has really nice legs.

George:I never make great entrances. I'm always worried about how I look when I come in somewhere.

Jerry:Well, your exits are impeccable.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm telling you, it is not a pretty picture. I'm stocky, I'm slow, my brain is like a sieve. I have no business being out there!

Jerry:So don't go out there.

George:I can't help it. I see a woman, something comes over me. It's like a switch. I have to approach them.

Jerry:What if you did the opposite? Every instinct you have is wrong. If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:I'm doing it. If I'm ever talking to a woman and I think about saying something, I won't say it. I'll say the opposite.

Kramer:The odds are in our favor!

Jerry:Our favor? Kramer, there is no 'our.' You're on your own with this.

Kramer:Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You don't understand. I'm not addicted to gambling. You're addicted to gambling, and I'm just an innocent bystander who happens to be betting your money.

Jerry:That's not how addiction works, Kramer.

Kramer:No, no, no. It's gambling addiction by proxy. You're the addict, I'm just enabling you by proxy.

Peggy:So how's work going?

Elaine:Oh, it's been crazy. My boss has been riding me all week.

Peggy:Well, maybe if you actually did your job instead of standing around looking clueless all day, he wouldn't have to.

Elaine:Excuse me?

Peggy:I'm just saying, you're not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. I mean, how do you even get out of bed in the morning without instructions?

Peggy:Hi Suz!

Elaine:It's Elaine.

Peggy:Right, Suz.

Elaine:No, Elaine. E-L-A-I-N-E.

Peggy:Yes, Suz.

Elaine:My name is not Suz! It's Elaine!

Peggy:Okay, okay, Suz, don't get upset.

George Costanza:Hi, this is George. I can't come to the phone right now. But after the beep, leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Or, if you'd prefer, you can sing it to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme.

Jerry:Why don't you just call her and ask her out for coffee?

George:I can't just call her. I need to establish a cover story first. Make it look natural. Then I'll accidentally run into her at the coffee shop, like I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Jerry:Or you could just call her.

George:No, no, no. That's too direct. She'll see right through it. I need operatives. Maybe have Kramer casually mention to her that I like coffee. Then when I show up, it'll seem coincidental.

George:Hi, you've reached George Costanza. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks for calling.

Allison:What is this, a Memorex commercial?

Allison:Hi George, I got your message.

George:Oh great! So you're coming to dinner?

Allison:Well, I wanted to talk to you about that message first.

George:What about it?

Allison:You sounded really nervous.

George:I was not nervous!

Allison:George, you were stammering, you kept clearing your throat...

George:That's just how I talk on machines. So are you coming or not?

Elaine:Don't call me 'Laine.' It's not a name, it's a sound a French person makes when they're about to sneeze.

Elaine:No, no, no. I don't like 'Suz'. It's a horrible name. It's like a sneeze.

Jerry:What's wrong with Suz?

Elaine:It's a name that a woman yells out at a mahjong game.

Jerry:Where were you? I had twenty bucks riding on that game!

Kramer:I was busy, I couldn't make it.

Jerry:You couldn't make it? I told you about this yesterday!

Kramer:Yeah, well things came up.

Jerry:Things came up? Do you know what I lost because of you?

Kramer:It's not my fault the team played bad.

Jerry:Not your fault? You're the one who didn't show up!

Kramer:Oh, so now I'm responsible for your gambling debts?

Jerry:Yes! You knew the bet was on!

Kramer:Well maybe I'll just go down to the arena and fight the guy who missed that last shot.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:Yeah, I'll challenge him right there on the court. We'll settle this like men.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't fight a professional athlete.

Kramer:Why not? How hard can it be? I took a karate class once.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I went back in time at that game. I set my watch back an hour.

Jerry:Kramer, that's not how time works.

Kramer:No, no, no. I missed the whole first half. I showed up, the game was already in progress.

Elaine:So you just set your watch back?

Kramer:Well, what was I supposed to do? I was late!

George:Now your car is registered in a different time zone.

Kramer:You know, I think Spike Lee is a very talented man. But I'm not sure he knows how to make a movie.

Spike Lee:What?

Kramer:Well, I'm just saying, I think there's some real problems with your movies.

Spike Lee:You got a problem with my movies?

Kramer:Yeah, I do. Your movies, they're not very good.

Spike Lee:Get outta here!

Kramer:No, no, no. Listen to me. I'm trying to help you here.

Spike Lee:I don't need your help!

Kramer:Yes, you do! And another thing - your use of the reverse angle is very confusing.

Spike Lee:That's it!

Kramer:And another thing - why do you always put yourself in your movies? Why can't you just direct?

Spike Lee:Alright, that's enough!

Kramer:I'm sorry, I'm just being honest with you.

Spike Lee:You want to talk about bad? I'll show you bad!

Spike Lee:Take this! And this!

Kramer:No, no, no, no! Stop!

Kramer:You know, getting thrown out of that game with Spike Lee and Reggie Miller - that was a bonding experience.

Jerry:A bonding experience? You got ejected!

Kramer:Yeah, but afterwards we all went to a strip club together.

Jerry:You went to a strip club with Spike Lee and Reggie Miller?

Kramer:We were like brothers! By the end of the night, we were best friends.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I saw Reggie Miller at the supermarket. He was buying a gallon of milk and some cookies.

Jerry:So what? Reggie Miller buys milk and cookies.

Kramer:No, no, no. He was with a woman. A very attractive woman.

Jerry:His wife?

Kramer:I don't think so. She was doing all the talking, very aggressive, very domineering.

Jerry:So Reggie Miller was being dominated by a woman? That doesn't sound right. Reggie Miller is a fierce competitor.

Kramer:Exactly! He looked completely emasculated!

Jerry:Well, maybe she was his mother.

Kramer:You won the bet! You won the bet!

Jerry:Yeah, I know.

Kramer:So what are you gonna do now?

Jerry:What do you mean? Nothing. I won, it's over.

Kramer:Over? You gotta let it ride! You gotta let it ride!

Jerry:Let it ride? Kramer, there is no ride. I won the money, I'm done.

Kramer:You're crazy! You're walking away from a sure thing! Double or nothing!

Peterman:Between you and me and the fence post, I think we need to let some people go.

Employee:The fence post?

Peterman:Well, between you and me and the fence post and the lamppost and the fire hydrant...

Jerry:So you can't pay the bet? What are you, a deadbeat?

Mike:Hey, watch it. That's not fair.

Jerry:Not fair? You're the one who said I was a 'loser' when I lost last month. Now who's the loser, Mike?

Kramer:George, I gotta level with you. I've been seeing someone else.

George:What? Who?

Kramer:Allison. I'm leaving you for Allison.

George:Kramer, we're not even together!

Kramer:I know, but I wanted to end it officially.

Kramer:Allison needs a man who can satisfy her emotionally and physically.

George:Well, I think I can do that.

Kramer:No, no, no. You can't even satisfy yourself.

George:What are you saying? That I'm not capable?

Kramer:I'm saying you're a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.

George:Hey! Why are we even friends?

Peterman:Now look, we need to find common ground here. Common ground. That's what I'm talking about.

Peterman:We're going to work this out. Work it out. That's the plan.

Peterman:I'm the mediator here. The mediator. And I take that responsibility very seriously. Very seriously indeed.

Peterman:I don't understand. Are you saying you're breaking up with her, or she's breaking up with you?

George:Yes.

Peterman:Yes what?

George:Yes to both.

Peterman:That's impossible.

George:We broke up simultaneously. It was mutual but also unilateral.

Peterman:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Peterman:I have an idea. Why don't you schedule two separate meetings with yourself? That way you can work out your differences.

Kramer:Now, we all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just make a clean break.

Mike:My thumbs are broken. I can't do anything! This is ridiculous!

Mike:And whose fault is this? My body! My own body turned against me!

Jerry:What? There's no one trapped in my car. That's the air conditioning.

Jerry:You know what you have to do? You have to become Susie Benis.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:Yeah, you have to become her. Take on her identity completely. Move into her apartment, get her job, her friends, everything.

Elaine:That's insane!

Jerry:It's the only way. You have to erase Susie Benis from existence and become her yourself.

George:Kramer, we need to talk. I can't do this anymore.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

George:Us. This friendship. It's over. I'm moving on.

Kramer:George, it's five in the morning!

George:I couldn't sleep. I've been driving around all night thinking about us. About what we had. It's just... it's not working anymore.

Kramer:What did I do?

George:It's not what you did. It's what you didn't do. You didn't call me back yesterday. You didn't remember my birthday was coming up. And frankly, I don't think you really understand me anymore.

Kramer:George, we're guys. We don't do that stuff.

George:Well maybe that's the problem! Maybe I need a friend who cares! I'm taking some time for myself. I think we should see other friends.

Elaine:I'm going to kill myself.

George:Kramer! I haven't seen you in years!

Kramer:George! It's been too long, buddy.

George:We should really spend more time together. I miss you.

Kramer:I miss you too. Maybe we could get dinner sometime?

George:Dinner? Kramer, are you asking me out on a date?

Kramer:What? No, I just thought—

George:Because if this is going somewhere, I should tell you I'm seeing someone.

Elaine:Look at this turnout. When I die, I'm not getting half this many people.

Peggy:Oh my God, I've been calling you Elaine this whole time!

Elaine:Yeah.

George:I rented this tuxedo for my cousin's wedding five years ago.

Jerry:Five years? You're still renting it?

George:Yeah, apparently I never returned it. The rental place said I owe more in late fees than the tuxedo costs.

Jerry:So just buy it.

George:I can't buy it! It's got a stain on the lapel from the reception. But if I return it, they're going to charge me for the damage AND the late fees.

Peterman:Susie was a rare and delicate creature. A woman of mystery, of intrigue. We shared something special, something... intimate.

Peterman:I've never told anyone this, but Susie and I... we were lovers.

Peterman:And now she's gone. And I'm left with nothing but these memories of a woman who never actually existed.

Mike:You killed him! You murdered him!

Jerry:Killed who? What are you talking about?

Mike:Don't play dumb with me! I know what you did!

Jerry:Mike, you're at a funeral. You need to sit down.

Mike:This is about that guy! The guy you killed!

Jerry:What guy? There is no guy!

Elaine:Mr. Peterman, I need to tell you something about Susie Baines.

Peterman:Elaine, I can see this is difficult for you. Your eyes are glistening with tears.

Elaine:No, that's not— I'm trying to explain that she's been—

Peterman:You care deeply about her. It's a beautiful friendship. This is going in my memoirs.

Peterman:Well, if it isn't Bizarro Jerry!

George · Allison:[George runs into Allison on the street; long awkward silences and stilted pleasantries — 'It's funny running into you here.' / 'Yeah. Yeah. It's funny.' — followed by 'You look good.' / [long pause] / 'Do I? Thanks.' / [pause] / 'You too.' ]

George · Jerry:What do you think, Jerry? / I don't know, I just see you guys together.

Mike:Stupid thumbs.

Mike:Stupid thumbs.

Mike · Kramer · Jerry:Somebody help. Help! [muffled from trunk] / Oh, the trunk's rattling. Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Elaine · Jerry:They're starting to give Susie assignments now. / Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. / What? / Get rid of Susie. Make her disappear. / But I kind of like her. / She's gone. / Jerry. / Gone.

Elaine:The bumper sticker. [Elaine sees something on the car]

Kramer · George:Come on. It's 5:00 in the morning. What's the matter with you? / It's only 4.

George:I've been walking around all night. I've been thinking about Allison and me and you.

Kramer · George:I know I'm gonna regret this. All right. / Thank you. / I'm gonna make you both so happy.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine, where's Susie? I want her to head up our new fingerless-glove division. / I thought I was in line for that assignment.

Elaine:But last night, Susie.... She took her own life.

Kramer:We're taking George back. / What? / He's gonna make us very happy.

Elaine:Look at this turnout. Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people? My real funeral's not gonna come close to this.

Peggy · Elaine:Oh, my God. Susie? / I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine. / But I've been calling you Susie. / Hadn't noticed. Excuse me.

Various men at memorial:I guess I never met Susie. / Suz? / I actually had a little thing with her for a while. [another man] / Her too.

unnamed mourner 1 · unnamed mourner 2:I guess I never met Susie. / Suz? / I actually had a little thing with her for a while. / Her too.

Peterman:What can you say about a girl like Susie? [long eulogy pause — Peterman clearly has nothing but manages to go on for nearly a minute]

George · Kramer:Where's Allison? / No, Allison, she didn't wanna come. / But you took me back. / Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut.

Kramer:How do you like the tuxedo? It's a rental, but I've had it for 15 years.

Kramer · George:All right. / Where are you going? / The ball, silly. / No, no, no. You're not going in there.

George · Kramer:No, no, no. You're not going in there. / George, I thought you were gonna change. / For her, not for you.

Kramer · Ball attendee:What an entrance. / And who might this be? / Oh, I'm with him. Yeah.

Peterman:And also much like me, Susie hated going to the market.

Peterman:I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie. And most of all, I will never forget that one night... working late on the catalog... just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.

Unknown man at memorial:Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of them.

Peterman · Kramer:But I never heard her cries for help... and now Susie is gone. / Hold on! Susie didn't commit suicide. She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld! / Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine, guess what. I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honor... and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved. / Mr. Peterman... I'm Susie. She's me. I feel the same way.

Elaine:Mr. Peterman... I'm Susie. She's me. I feel the same way.

Peterman:And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have.

Peggy:Suz! [Peggy cheerfully calls after Elaine]