Leslies House

Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.

My class is called 'Coping with Terminal Illness.'

Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.

It's where I learned hair braiding, and how to make biscuits, and French kissing. The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.

That fish over there kind of reminds me of my mom. Why? It's just being really withholding.

Isn't it great? It's camel stomach. Is it? I'm teasing, I'm teasing. It's chicken.

I've racked my brain and I can't come up with one exciting idea.

Well, maybe just have him over and cook him some chicken and tell him it's Pawnee cockatoo.

No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. It's called a think tank, Ann.

How many courses will there be? Three. Four. Not including dessert. So, five courses. Yes. Now, it will be five courses.

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

And you, out of all my friends, come from the most distant and exotic land. South Carolina?

What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Don't worry about it. What?

Hey, it's me, Justin. Take my coat. But please, be careful. I got it from the king of Africa when we were walking on the Berlin Wall together.

Hi, Kyle. You know, right before you sat down, I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass, or something? What was that?

Now, I can believe it.

This newspaper's from November, 1986. Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!

I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Your house is like a crazy person's garage.

I might need it. What about this one? Well, if two birds come along?

Shake my hand. Why? I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much. I don't want to creep Justin out. I want him to respect my handshake.

People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Ew! It's like touching raw chicken. Damn it. Gonna have to re-foliate them.

Oh! No, no, I insist on paying. No, no, I insist on demonstrating. This is not gonna affect my decision at all. Oh, of course not. Stop winking.

Five courses. Of what? Huh? Of what? Oh, God.

You've been here? Right.

Oh! Sex.

That was after I told him that I sometimes go swimming at the Y.

No, no, no! No talking. Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here. Don't use up your stories.

Please, have a good time and shut your mouth.

There are very few things I've asked for in this world. To build a new park from scratch. To eventually become president. And to one day solve a murder on a train.

Really, really, just like the best, most exciting night of your life. I cannot over-hype it enough.

I have the swine flu. Oh... No, she doesn't.

He got it in Cambodia, when he was hiking Mount Everest.

I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.

Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.

The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up.

So my face is literally on fire, but it's this weird chemical, so no one can see the flames. I'm dancing around, freaking out. I end up having to dunk my face into a bucket of sand.

Didn't happen to me. It was a kid I knew from camp. But a great story's a great story. Well, plus, the kid can't tell it, his mouth melted.

How could you invite Wendy when Ron's here? He's gonna wrap her up in his moustache and take her home.

Don't do that, Tom!

Derek and Ben are gay, but often, on occasion, April will have relations with Derek. Right? Crazy stuff. Discuss that.

Who else is gay?

Poor Tommy. He has a very frail colon.

A belly dancer? What? It's weird, but she just showed up. I mean, I'm not the kind of person that's gonna throw someone out, or, you know, not let them in if they randomly show up.

You know, people hear about a killer party at Knope's house, they all come running.

Yeah. He's actually kind of awesome. You're underage.

When it comes to choosing accounting software, there's no accounting for taste.

But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child. You're ruining it. I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony. Totally uncalled for.

Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers? Would I have stayed if I knew that? I don't know, would you have? Would you have?

Oh. No. I'm sorry. We're closed, due to betrayment.

Wow. Unbetrayed.

I had an awesome time which had nothing to do with the rec center teachers. No further questions.

It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.

there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.

I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met. That doesn't sound gay at all.