Leslies House

Leslie:These recreation classes are jewels in Pawnee's beautiful crown.

Leslie:Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we're going to have to eliminate them all.

Leslie Knope:Make sure the students leave with a smile.

Teacher:My class is about terminal illness.

Leslie:Okay everyone, I want to encourage perfect attendance at all our classes. Perfect attendance shows dedication and responsibility.

Leslie:Wait... except for the terminal illness class. You know what? Bad attendance is fine there. In fact, I'm gonna say skipping that one is encouraged.

Leslie:We offered French kissing, salsa dancing, pottery...

Leslie:Actually, the French kissing wasn't an official class. That was just a boy in the biscuits class.

Leslie:Because the fish is being withholding

Justin:Try some of this camel stomach.

Leslie:Camel stomach? Really?

Justin:I'm just kidding, it's chicken.

Leslie:Pawnee is going to blow Indianapolis out of the water. Our date night is going to be so much better than theirs.

Leslie:I have no idea what we're doing.

Leslie:Justin ate fried cockatoo with Thai royalty.

Ann:Why don't you just make up an exotic dish with a local bird name? Like fried Indiana pigeon or something?

Ann:Maybe we could have an intimate dinner?

Leslie:Oh, that's a great idea! We should throw a dinner party instead!

Leslie:See, I improved your idea. It's like how I've improved all your ideas. Remember when we used to have lunch? I turned those into think tanks.

Ron:How many courses are we talking about here?

Leslie:Well, we're starting with seven.

Leslie:Actually, eight.

Leslie:Nine, if we count the palate cleanser.

Leslie:Which we do.

Ron:I'm bringing a dish to the potluck, but I want to make it very clear that it's not for sharing. It's for me. I'll eat the whole thing right there at the table while you all watch and feel jealous.

Leslie:Tom, you're from South Carolina, which is basically the most exotic place anyone could be from.

Tom:South Carolina is hardly exotic.

Tom:Leslie, whatever you do, do not invite Jerry to this.

Jerry:Hi everybody!

Leslie:Oh, Jerry, hey...

Tom:We were just talking about... um...

Jerry:What were you guys talking about?

Leslie:Nothing! It's nothing. Hey, shouldn't you be getting home?

Tom:Yeah, like, right now?

April:I'm practicing taking coats. This is Justin. He's a professional ice skater who also works as a lifeguard at an indoor pool. He's won three Grammys for yodeling.

Andy:Hey! How are you doing? Those benches are looking really shiny, right? I just polished them.

Andy:Um, I don't want to be weird, but is that a stain on your butt?

Leslie:I can't believe you've never been over to my house before!

Ann:Yeah, well, now I know why.

Ann:Leslie, I found this old newspaper from 1987 while cleaning out the storage closet.

Leslie:1987? That's historical! We have to keep this. This could be important for Pawnee's archives.

Ann:It's just the sports section.

Leslie:Even better. Sports history IS history.

Ann:Leslie, we need to talk about your house. There's pizza boxes from 2009, half-eaten waffles, and what appears to be a nest made of government documents.

Leslie:Ann, that's not a nest, that's my filing system.

Ann:You have a Batman costume pinned to your wall and a life-size cardboard cutout of yourself in the corner. When was the last time you cleaned?

Leslie:I don't have time to clean when there's so much government work to do!

Ann:Okay, here's what's going to happen. I'm taking away your office supplies for a week. And you're going to bed at a reasonable hour. And we're going to work on using your big girl words to express your feelings.

Leslie:Ann, I'm a government official.

Ann:You eat ice cream for breakfast and name your waffle maker. You need an intervention.

Ann:Ann describes Leslie's house as 'like a crazy person's garage.'

Ann:Why do we need two birdhouses?

Leslie:Oh, that's simple. One is for birds.

Leslie:And the other one is for birds.

Leslie:Shake my hand.

April:Why?

Leslie:Just shake it. I want to see what kind of person you are based on your handshake.

April:That's not a thing.

Leslie:A firm handshake shows confidence. A limp handshake shows weakness.

April:Or it shows I don't want to touch you.

Leslie:Just try it.

April:Fine.

Leslie:Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. You have the grip of someone who has definitely thought about hurting people, but chooses not to most days.

April:Great. Can I go?

Leslie:Wait, I'm going to tell Justin that your handshake means you're a murderer.

Leslie:Pawnee is so unhip, we're still mourning Kurt Cobain like he just died yesterday.

April:Your hands are so... textured.

Leslie:Thank you! I moisturize.

April:No, like... in a bad way. They're like tree bark.

Leslie:Well, I work with my hands. I'm very hands-on.

April:You need to refoliate them or something.

Leslie:Refoliate? That's not a word.

April:It should be.

Teacher:I'm offering free tutoring to show the value of this class.

Leslie:That's wonderful! Ron and I would love your help.

Ron:Speak for yourself. I don't need tutoring.

Leslie:Ron, come on. Just give it a try. *winks*

Teacher:Yes, Ron, it could really help you. *winks*

Ron:Stop winking at me. Both of you. It's unsettling.

Leslie:I have planned an amazing five-course meal for tonight.

Teacher:What's the first course?

Leslie:Soup.

Teacher:What kind of soup?

Leslie:...Hot soup.

Mark:Your house is cleaner than last time.

Leslie:Last time? When were you here before?

Mark:I don't know, a few months ago maybe?

Leslie:...I think you might have me confused with someone else.

Ann:Wait. Mark was at your place? Before we started dating?

Leslie:Yeah, we were just going over some city planning stuff.

Ann:So you two were alone together. In your apartment. At night.

Leslie:Ann, nothing happened. We were just—

Ann:I'm dating a man who has been to your apartment. That's my boyfriend. In your space.

Mark:So Justin was telling me about this time he went swimming with whale sharks in the Maldives, and I was like, 'That's cool, I once ate a hamburger that was pretty big.'

Leslie:Okay everyone, I need to ration out the stories tonight. We have limited inventory. So Ben, you get one story. Ann, you get one story. Tom, you're on a story budget of two, but only if they're good.

Tom:What if I want to tell the one about the time I wore those pants that were too tight?

Leslie:That's not happening. That's not a story, that's a cry for help.

Leslie:Everyone needs to have fun, but also be extremely quiet about it.

Leslie:First, I'm going to be the best Parks director this town has ever seen. Then I'm going to run for City Council. Then State Senate. Then Governor. Then President of the United States. And then, after I'm done being President, I'm going to write a mystery novel under a pseudonym and see if I can write a book that's so good that it wins the Pulitzer Prize.

Leslie:And then I'm going to take that Pulitzer Prize, and I'm going to melt it down, and I'm going to recast it into a blimp. And I'm going to sail that blimp to the moon.

Leslie:Justin, I'm going to give you the most amazing night of your life. I know I always say that and then I don't deliver, but this time I really mean it. Actually, no, I'm definitely going to over-hype this and disappoint you, but that's not going to stop me from continuing to over-hype it anyway.

Ann:Hi, I'm Ann. I have pancreatic cancer.

Leslie:She doesn't have pancreatic cancer.

Andy:Whoa, that's a sweet coat. Where'd you get it?

Justin:Thanks! I got it in Cambodia.

Andy:Cambodia? That's awesome. I've always wanted to go there. What were you doing there?

Justin:I was climbing Mount Everest.

Andy:Wait, Mount Everest is in Cambodia?

Justin:No, it's in Nepal.

Andy:So you were climbing Mount Everest in Nepal, but you bought the coat in Cambodia?

Justin:Yeah.

Andy:That doesn't make any sense, dude.

Andy:Actually, no, I was being sarcastic. I would love that. That sounds amazing.

Tom:Oh yeah, that mosque? I know the imam there. We go way back. He's like a brother to me.

Tom:We text all the time. Just last week he sent me a picture of his new prayer rug. Very tasteful.

Tom:You know, I actually know quite a bit about Indian culture. I've been studying it.

Justin:Oh really? Name one thing.

Tom:Um... curry. It's a thing they do there.

Justin:That's it?

Tom:Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I know nothing about India. I just Googled 'India facts' five minutes ago and I'm still reading.

Andy:Andy's sarcasm clarification: 'I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.'

Mark:Actually, that wasn't my story. That happened to a friend of mine.

Mark:He's dead now, so he can't really tell you about it himself.

Justin · Leslie:This is the best Old Fashioned I have ever had. Where'd you find this bartender? / Oh... I think... I don't know. Like, maybe the Yellow Pages. / There's no way that you're paying him enough.

Ron:I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Leslie:So, did you know that Jerry's wife left him because he kept calling her by his ex-girlfriend's name? Anyway, how about those Colts?

Leslie:Oh, and Donna told me in confidence that she's been taking salsa lessons, which I think is great for her self-esteem after her divorce. So what have you been up to?

Leslie:Tom's been having some financial troubles, real money problems, but I'm sure he'd want you to know that. Want some snack mix?

Leslie:So... Derek seems nice.

Ben:He is.

Leslie:And he's very... tall.

Ben:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie:I'm just saying, objectively, some people might find that attractive. Not me. I'm just saying statistically—

Ben:We're not doing this.

Leslie:—there's probably a demographic that—

Ron:I would describe it as a level nine on the pain scale. Which is the highest.

Leslie:Oh my God, a belly dancer? What are the odds?

Justin:Leslie, you literally have the invoice in your hand.

Leslie:I'm just as surprised as you are!

Leslie:This is incredible! A mariachi band, a juggler, AND a balloon artist all showed up to my party!

Ben:Leslie, you didn't hire these people?

Leslie:No! They just... heard I was throwing a party and came. My reputation precedes me.

Ron:Your reputation for what? Wasting taxpayer money?

Leslie:For being fun, Ron. I'm a fun person. Entertainment gravitates toward me.

April:Yeah, Justin is awesome.

Andy:He is pretty great. But remember, he's only 17, so we can't give him beer.

Tom:Tom's follow-up: 'Who else is gay?' after the conversation fails to launch.

Tom:I would totally defend Leslie.

Tom:But let's be honest, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. She's more like... a shovel. A well-meaning shovel, but a shovel.

Leslie:I'm sorry. I feel like a dog who chewed up your favorite shoe.

Tom:It's okay.

Leslie:No, I feel like a monkey who stole your wallet.

Tom:Leslie, you don't have to—

Leslie:I feel like a snake. A big, dumb snake that ruined your life.

Tom:Okay, now you're just being racist.

Questioner:Where were you on the night of March 15th?

Ron:Where were you?

Questioner:I'm asking the questions here. Did you meet with the contractor?

Ron:Did you?

Questioner:Ron, please just answer directly. What did you discuss?

Ron:What did you?

Questioner:This is a formal hearing!

Ron:Is it?

Andy:Betrayment. That's what this is. Pure betrayment.

Andy:Wait, so Justin didn't betray Leslie? That's great! I feel so much better. I'm gonna go un-say all the mean things I said about him. I'm gonna say... the opposite things.

Andy:Justin, you're the worst! No wait, un-worst. You're the... best-ish.

Justin:The party was amazing. Leslie planned everything perfectly.

Leslie:Your Honor, I rest my case. Also, I love you.

Leslie:Because I'm in love with you, Ann. And I wanted to do this officially, in front of the Parks and Recreation Advisory Board. This is the most important thing I've ever done.

Ann:Leslie, what are you talking about?

Leslie:Ann Perkins, will you be my best friend? I already have the legal documents drawn up. Once you sign these papers, our friendship will be legally binding, and if you ever want to break up with me, you'll have to go through a lengthy custody battle over our shared friends.

Leslie:I don't care about actually helping people. I just want the government to tell me I'm doing a good job.

Tom:Justin, you are a true entrepreneur. You've built an empire from nothing. You're living the dream.

Justin:Tom, I appreciate that, but didn't you just spend the last twenty minutes complaining about how much you hate working?

Tom · Leslie:I would like to say that Leslie is incapable of using people for her own gain. / Thank you, Tom. / But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

Leslie:Leslie's apology to Tom for inviting Wendy escalates: 'I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie extends the metaphor: 'I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.' Tom: 'Totally uncalled for.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head about his hearing strategy: 'The only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.'

Ron · Committee Member:Ron's testimony sequence: answers every question with a question. 'Would I have stayed if I knew that?' / 'I don't know, would you have?' / 'Would you have?' / 'No. I wouldn't have.'

Ron · Committee Member:Ron asks if the committee member knows Latin after 'quid pro quo' is mentioned. Committee: 'Okay, thank you, Ron.' Ron: 'Are we done? Can I get a shine?'

Andy:Andy: 'I'm sorry. But I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't you ask your new best friend, Justin?' — then reveals he put gum in Justin's coat, calling it 'unbetrayed'

Andy · Ron:Andy reveals someone put gum in Justin's coat pockets. 'But he's probably too busy cleaning gum out of his coat pockets.' Ron: 'Wow. Unbetrayed.'

Leslie:Leslie explains why she turned herself in: 'It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.'

Leslie:Leslie adds: 'The most important thing is, there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.'

Tom · Justin:Tom to Justin: 'I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met.' Justin: 'That doesn't sound gay at all.'