The Raincoats (1)

Jerry:It's like ordering from a drive-through clown. You know, those clown's mouth where you order the food? I'm at the clown's mouth, the guy's inside the clown, he's talking to me, I can feel the spray coming out of his mouth on my face.

Jerry:A handshake is a very specific thing. You can't just do whatever you want. There are rules and regulations.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You go in, firm grip, two pumps, out. That's it. You don't improvise.

George:Two pumps?

Jerry:Two pumps. In, out. You can't be doing three pumps, you can't be doing a half pump. You certainly can't be going to the elbow.

Jerry:You know what bothers me? When you're shaking hands with someone and they won't let go. How do you end a handshake? There's no rules! It's like a kiss - at some point one person has to pull away first. And if they don't, it becomes uncomfortable.

Jerry:I was shaking hands with a guy the other day, and I'm thinking, 'Okay, this is long enough. Time to disengage.' But he's still pumping! He's not done yet. So I have to keep going, like some kind of human hydraulic pump.

Jerry:You know, a handshake is like a baseball game. You got your grip, that's your stance. You got your eye contact, that's your pitch. And if you mess up any of those things, you're out. You're just out of the game. No second chances. The handshake doesn't lie.

Jerry:I haven't been with Rachel for three weeks. Three weeks! You know what that means? I'm starting to believe in the supernatural.

Jerry:I saw a ghost yesterday. Just floating by my apartment. And I thought, 'That's nice. At least someone's visiting me.'

George:My parents want me to move out. But I'm thinking, why should I? The rent is free, my mother does my laundry, I get three meals a day. It's a win-win situation.

George:Besides, look at me. I'm bald. A few years ago, this was a death sentence. Now it's trendy. Guys are shaving their heads on purpose. So if baldness can make a comeback, why can't living with your parents?

George:I'm telling you, it's going to happen. Mark my words - baldness is going to be the biggest trend of the '90s. Everyone's going to want to be bald.

Jerry:George, no one wants to be bald.

George:Oh, you think so? Well, what if I told you that extraterrestrials have already begun colonizing Earth, and they specifically prefer bald people because it makes us aerodynamic for intergalactic travel? They're going to come down, see all these bald guys, and think we're one of them. By the time anyone figures it out, it'll be too late.

George:Hey, you know what? I'll be your Big Brother.

Child:Really? That's great!

George:Yeah, yeah. So, uh, what's the deal with that shirt? That's a terrible color on you. And those pants? Forget about it. You got a real uphill battle here, kid.

George:So you just look at them with these big eyes and say, 'Please, I really need this'?

George:Can you pass the ketchup?

George:Please... I really need this ketchup. My life depends on it.

Jerry:Did you notice they changed the opening credits?

George:What do you mean changed? They're the same.

Jerry:No, the font is different. It's slightly more... slanted.

George:It's the same font Jerry.

Jerry:You're not looking close enough. This has been bothering me all week.

George:I'm thinking of telling everyone I went to Paris.

Jerry:You didn't go to Paris.

George:I know, but I could say I did. I could get some postcards, leave them around.

Jerry:George, that's insane.

George:No, no, hear me out. Your parents could back me up. They could say they ran into me at the airport.

Jerry:Why would my parents do that?

George:Because they don't know what you're talking about. We don't even have to tell them. They'll just naturally say something that helps my story.

Jerry:This is the worst idea you've ever had.

George:It's foolproof.

Jerry:So you're not going to see your Little Brother anymore?

George:No, I don't think so.

Jerry:Well, I think that's good. I think the kid's better off.

George:Yeah?

Jerry:Yeah. I mean, what are you gonna do? Take him to a movie? Buy him a soda? He's better off without it.

Elaine:Why are you pretending to go to Paris?

Jerry:He's a compulsive liar. It's a sickness.

George:I'm not a compulsive liar!

Jerry:You just lied about Paris.

Helen:We went to Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.

Morty:Saks Fifth Avenue is in New York!

Kramer:Yeah, well I'm starting a new business. I'm gonna buy clothing off the dead.

Jerry:Off the dead?

Kramer:Yeah, you know, when somebody dies, they don't need their clothes anymore. So I go to the morgue, I get the clothes, I clean 'em up, and I sell 'em.

Jerry:That's a great idea, Kramer.

Kramer:Yeah, I know. I'm gonna make a killing.

Helen:So what happens if we both die at the same time?

Frank:What do you mean 'what happens'? You're dead, I'm dead, we're both dead.

Helen:But who calls the police?

Frank:What are you talking about? If we're both dead, nobody calls anybody!

Helen:Well somebody has to find us eventually.

Frank:Oh sure, they'll find us. Weeks later. Decomposed. The smell will bring the neighbors.

Helen:Frank, that's horrible!

Frank:What do you want me to say? We'll leave a note?

Morty:We can't make it tonight.

Helen:We have something we have to do.

Morty:It's very important.

Helen:We've had it planned for weeks.

Morty:You wouldn't understand.

Helen:It's not something we can talk about.

Morty:Let's just say we'll be... occupied.

Helen:With things. Important things.

Jerry:Why won't you have dinner with the Costanzas?

Helen:Because we hate them.

Jerry:My parents think Frank and Estelle are crazy. They're like a different species to them.

Jerry:Old people look at other old people and think, 'What is wrong with those people?'

Jerry:He's a close talker. It's like he's trying to get inside your head.

Helen:What do you mean, close talker?

Jerry:I mean when he talks to you, he stands right up on top of you. You can feel his breath on your face.

Helen:Oh, I hate that.

Aaron:Hey Jerry! How ya doing?

Jerry:Fine, fine...

Jerry · Elaine:Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. Yeah, that will happen.

Jerry:So I'm standing there, and he's getting closer and closer.

George:How close?

Jerry:I could count his nose hairs.

Jerry:Yeah, I'll catch up with you at the museum.

Jerry:Rachel? Rachel, are you there? Pick up, pick up! Come on, Rachel, I know you're there!

Jerry:Look, I don't know if you're screening your calls or what, but this is important. This is really important.

Jerry:Hello? Hello? Are you listening to me right now? Because I feel like you're listening to me.

Frank:Where's the salt? I need salt!

Estelle:You don't need salt, you need to watch your blood pressure!

Frank:Don't tell me what I need! Pass the salt!

Estelle:I'm not passing anything. You'll have a stroke right here at this table.

Helen:You know, I've been looking at these Impressionist paintings, and I think I need glasses.

Frank:What are you talking about? You don't need glasses.

Helen:Frank, these paintings are all blurry! Either the artist couldn't see, or I can't!

Morty:You know, I've been reading about art. Impressionism, cubism, all that stuff.

Morty:I'm familiar with all the greats. Picasso, Monet, Van Gogh, Rembrandt... Schleffler.

Kramer:Yeah, I know who you are.

Helen:Well, maybe that's because nobody wants them.

Kramer:You know, it's like the gun manufacturers. They're not responsible for what people do with the guns.

Morty:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Well, we're like the gun manufacturers. We make the clothes, we're not responsible for what people do with them.

Alec:Where will you stay in Paris?

George:I'm staying at the Chateau de la Salle de Bains.

George:It's working. She's actually interested in me.

Alec:Yeah, she seems really into you!

George:Wait, why are you so excited about this?

Alec:Because now I can finally ask her out!

Morty · Jack Klompus:What boxes? I'm gonna explain what boxes. All right. How the hell do I know?

Morty Seinfeld:I'm in the kitchen, I got no belt, my pants are falling down. So I took a trench coat, I cut it up, I tied it around my waist. My wife comes in, she says, 'What are you doing?' I said, 'I'm inventing fashion!' She says, 'That's not fashion, that's a cry for help.' But look at me now!

Morty:Jack, hi, it's Morty. Listen, I'm calling because I wanted to tell you something.

Jack:Morty? What happened? Is someone dead?

Morty:No, no, nobody's dead. I just wanted to talk to you about something.

Jack:Then why are you calling me? You only call me when someone dies!

Helen:You know, I was talking to Evelyn the other day, and she was telling me that Morty never helps her with anything. And I said, 'Morty helps me all the time.' And then I thought about it, and I realized I was lying.

George:There's a noise in the attic.

Frank:A noise? What kind of noise?

George:I don't know, like a scratching sound. Could be mice.

Frank:Mice?! MICE?! We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! The mice are gonna get us! I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna kill 'em all!

Frank:There's a mouse in the apartment!

Frank:We have to get out of here. We have to leave immediately.

George:Frank, it's just one mouse.

Frank:One mouse? One mouse?! If there's one mouse, there's a hundred mice!

Frank:That's how they work. They scout it out. One mouse comes in, he goes back, tells all his friends.

Rudy:I'll give you two hundred dollars for the whole thing.

George:Two hundred? My father bowled a 247. A 247!

Rudy:What does that have to do with anything?

George:He was very proud of that score. I think he'd want more than two hundred dollars.

George:My father's dead. He's gone. But his wardrobe lives on. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying it's happening.

George:They had dinner with Kramer? They had dinner with Kramer? What did they talk about? What could they possibly have to talk about?

George:My parents are wonderful people.

Jerry:George, you're living in their house.

Jerry:And this all happened by coincidence?

George:What are the odds?

Jerry:Yeah, what are the odds.

The Close Talker:So I was thinking we could grab coffee sometime.

Jerry:Yeah, that sounds... great.

The Close Talker:I'm really looking forward to it.

Morty:You know, he's much shorter in person.

Frank:What do you expect? He's on television.

Jack:I can't get this garage door to work.

Jerry:Have you tried the remote?

Jack:Of course I tried the remote. You know, you're about as useful as this garage door.

Frank:I'm the man of this house! I make the money! I pay the bills!

George:Dad, you're not working.

Frank:That's irrelevant! I still have more money than you!

Frank:There's a mouse in here! A mouse!

Estelle:Frank, where? I don't see anything.

Frank:Right there! Right there on the table!

Estelle:That's the remote control, Frank.

Frank:The remote? Are you sure?

Jerry:You know what they call used clothes now? 'Vintage.' Vintage! It's just old stuff. I have stuff in my closet that's not old, it's just ugly. But if I wait long enough, it becomes vintage, and suddenly I can charge money for it. We should be honest about it. Call it what it is: nasty-wear. 'Oh, I'm wearing nasty-wear today.' At least then you know what you're getting.

Jerry:Men wear underwear until it just disintegrates. Like, you're walking down the street one day, and a light breeze comes along and your underwear just turns into dust and floats away.

Jerry:So you saw Schindler's List?

Morty:Yeah, I saw it.

Jerry:You didn't notice it was in black and white?

Morty:No, I didn't notice.

Helen · Jack Klompus · Morty:Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do than worry about his boxes? You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. Get the hell out of here with your knob!

Kramer:I want more than 25%.

Morty:I can only give you 15%.

Kramer:Let's compromise. 25%.

Morty:That's what I said in the first place!

Elaine:So what did you think of the movie?

Jerry:It was fine, you know, it had its moments.

Elaine:Just fine? Come on, what's really going on?

Jerry:Well, okay, I may have spent most of it texting under the seat.

Elaine:Jerry!

Jerry:What? The guy next to me was doing it too!

Frank · Estelle · George:But I can't find any of my vacation clothes. They were in the attic. The attic? You haven't worn any of those clothes for years. How can I go on a cruise without my cabana-wear? I love those clothes.

Newman:He sucks the air right out of the room. It's like a vaccuum in there. He's making out, and he's inhaling her whole face.

Newman:It's like he's trying to suck out her internal organs through her mouth.

Newman:Like a little Dracula.

Jerry:So we're making out, and she says to me, 'Was it good for you?' And I say, 'Yeah, it was great.' She says, 'Better than with your last girlfriend?' I said, 'Oh yeah, much better.' She says, 'How much better?' I said, 'Well, let me put it this way — if my last girlfriend was Pearl Harbor, you're the Marshall Plan.'

Frank:That's my shirt!

Kramer:No, it's not.

Frank:I know my own shirt!

Frank:You stole my shirt!

Kramer:I borrowed it.

Frank:You never asked!

Frank:Give it back!

Frank:A mouse! A mouse! There's a mouse in the apartment!

Estelle:Frank, calm down, it's just a little mouse.

Frank:Just a mouse?! I'm calling an exterminator! I'm calling the police! I'm calling the National Guard!

George:You know, Joey, you're a good-looking guy. You should try to use that to your advantage.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, you're not a good-looking guy, and you're doing just fine, so what's your excuse?

Frank:I'm dead? I'm worth two hundred and fifty dollars?

Aaron:You know, flying can be very dehydrating. You should drink plenty of water on the plane.

Jerry:Aaron, it's a two-hour flight.

Aaron:Exactly! Two hours of recirculated air. Your skin will crack like a desert.

Elaine:He stands too close when he talks to you.

Jerry:What do you mean? He seems fine to me.

Elaine:Jerry, he's practically breathing down your neck!

Jerry:I never noticed. Maybe that's just how he is.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand? Why do people stand so close to you at the ATM? There's this invisible line at the urinal—you don't cross it. But at the ATM, people are practically breathing down your neck.

Jerry:I think it's because at the urinal, you're protecting your valuables. At the ATM, you're protecting your valuables too—just different valuables. But the principle is the same!

Jerry · Elaine:From what I saw, it was pretty good. What do you mean, 'from what you saw'? Well, I didn't actually get to see the whole movie. Yeah, why not? I was kind of making out.

Jerry:You were making out during Schindler's List?

Elaine:I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time. We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew the war was over.

Elaine:Oh, I don't think so. I saw Newman, but he didn't see me.

Newman · Helen:Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hello, Newman.

Newman:Him and his buxom little friend, Rachel, were going at it pretty good in the balcony. What? Do I have to spell it out for you? He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland.

Newman:Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.

Helen · Jerry:How could you? You were making out during Schindler's List? What? No. Don't lie, Jerry. Newman. How could you do such a thing? I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time. We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew the war was over.

Frank · Kramer · George · Estelle:Hey. That shirt. Where did you get that shirt? What? That's my cabana shirt. You stole my shirt, you son of a bitch! George, your friends up in the attic, stealing my clothes! Give me that back. Give me that. Give me. I bought it from Rudy.

Estelle · Kramer:You look just like Frank on our honeymoon. Well, thank you.

Frank · Estelle:What happens to charter tickets when you don't use them? Well, I suppose they're wasted. Yes, I suppose they are.

Kramer · Jerry:You should've gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. The paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good paella? Not really. It's an orgiastic feast for the senses, a wanton festival of sights, sounds and colors.

Morty · Kramer:Look how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it. He just flipped the flaps.

Airline Announcer:Bonjour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris charter flight.

George:Honesty. Hard work. These are the values that I was raised with. The most important thing, Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you sleep. Hey, I got news for you, four-eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.

Rudy · Frank · George:You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn. Who are you, anyways? I'm the father. He said his father was dead. He said I was dead? That's right. Squeezed an extra $25 out of me. That's what my life is worth to him, $25?

Frank · Helen:I want you to know that I'm retracting our dinner invitation. You don't have to retract it. We never went. I'm retracting that it was ever offered. I retract your retraction.

Morty · Rudy · Kramer:Because of his moths, you're not buying my raincoats? That's right. My clothes don't have moths! I'm all ticklish.

Helen · Jerry · Elaine:It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? No! No!

Aaron · Elaine:I could've done more. I could've done so much more. You did enough. No. I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris. I could've got them out! You tried, Aaron. It was too expensive. This watch. This watch could've paid for their whole trip. This ring. This ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to.

Aaron:Water. They need some water. Why? They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water! Please!

Jerry · Mr. Goldstein:Hi, Mr. Goldstein. Is Rachel home? I'm afraid Rachel is not going to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter. Why? What did I do? You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night. It was disgraceful. Fortunately, my postman happened to witness the entire incident.

Jerry · Elaine:So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, and the whole place is cleaned out. Everything. Get out. How did that happen? The broken window. Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. Boy, they could use a vacation. They're taking one.

Elaine · Jerry:So how about that Aaron? You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice he stood too close to you when he talked? No, I hadn't noticed.

Jerry:There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about 6 feet back. Because people get edgy around that ATM, don't they? Their eyes are darting all around.

Jerry:The other place I wanna be 6 feet away is a urinal. ATMs and urinals. Whenever someone's taking valuables out of their pants, you wanna give them as much room as possible.