The Fire

Jerry:Some people stand too close when they talk to you. These are close talkers. A close talker is usually somebody who physically cannot stand that far away from you while speaking. It's a problem. They're in your space. You try to back up, but they just keep coming. It's like they don't understand the concept of personal space.

Jerry:It's like talking to a clown at a drive-through window. You know, those big clown heads? You pull up to the window, and the clown's right there in your face. You just want your burger and fries, but instead you got this enormous clown head six inches from your nose, taking your order. That's what it's like talking to a close talker.

Jerry:The specificity of 'three-quarter handshake, just the fingers'

Jerry:You know what? I'm done with handshakes. They're outdated, they spread germs, and frankly, I don't know where your hand has been.

Jerry:You know, a handshake is like a baseball pitch. You need a strong grip, but you can't hold on too long. That's a late release. And if you pull in for a close conversation right after, that's a balk. It's a violation.

Jerry:Three weeks. Three weeks! You know what that is? That's like dog years for a single guy. In dog years, I've aged 21 weeks.

George:You know, if Jerry lived with his parents, he'd probably become cool. I lived with my parents my whole life and I'm bald.

George:And then the aliens come, and they see us, and they think we're the dominant species because we're bald. So they give us spaceship tours.

George:How am I gonna say no to a kid? He comes up to me with those big eyes, 'Will you be my Big Brother?' What am I gonna do, kick him in the shins?

George:So I'm stuck. I'm his Big Brother now. You know what that means? I gotta take him places, I gotta talk to him, I gotta... I gotta care.

George:The kid asked me if I liked ketchup. I said, 'Yeah, I like ketchup.' Now he thinks we have a connection. We bond over condiments!

Jerry:You know what I hate about TV schedules? They move your show and nobody tells you.

George:Yeah, last week I missed my show because they moved it to a different time slot.

Jerry:It's like they don't want you to watch. They make it impossible.

George:I had to call the network. I said, 'Where's my show?' They said, 'It's on at nine.' I said, 'It was on at eight!'

Jerry:That's the thing — they expect you to just know. Like it's printed in invisible ink.

George:I'm thinking about switching to cable.

Jerry:Cable? George, this is serious.

George:I know it's serious! That's why I'm considering it!

George:I can't do Big Brother. I'm going to Paris.

Jerry:Paris? What are you talking about?

George:I'm moving to Paris. I got a job there teaching American history.

Jerry:You're moving to Paris?

George:Yes. I leave next week. It's all arranged. I'm staying with your parents until I find an apartment.

Jerry:He's not happy. George is not a happy man. He's a bald man going into the summer. He's got a very significant bald spot, it's gonna get worse. He's probably a little concerned about how he looks. He wants to try something.

Helen:Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami

Morty:Saks Fifth Avenue? They have Saks Fifth Avenue in New York!

Kramer:Yeah, I'm telling you, when your father passes, that's gonna be a nice little score for you.

Morty:So when I'm gone, what happens to all my clothes?

Helen:We'll donate them.

Morty:To who? I mean, who's gonna wear a dead man's pants?

Helen:The Salvation Army takes them.

Morty:So some guy walks around in my pants, he doesn't know I'm dead?

Helen:That's right.

Morty:That's very strange. I mean, he's out there, and he's wearing dead man's pants. How would he feel if he knew?

Helen:He's not going to know, Morty.

Morty:Well, what if he figures it out? What if he's at work, and he thinks, 'Hey, these pants feel like a dead guy's pants!'

Jerry:So what are we doing for dinner?

Frank:We're having dinner!

Jerry:I know, but what kind of dinner?

Frank:What do you mean what kind? It's dinner! You eat it!

Jerry:Frank, I'm just asking what's on the menu.

Frank:Food! We're eating food! What's the big deal?!

Jerry:My parents are always criticizing the Costanzas. Like they're a different species or something. I mean, I treat them like they're from another planet.

Jerry:He's a close talker, Ma. When he talks to you, he stands about... this close.

Helen:How close?

Jerry:He's like right in your face. You got his breath, his spit, everything.

Helen:That's uncomfortable.

Jerry:Uncomfortable? I had to take a shower after he left.

Helen Costanza:They're like mental patients. They should be in an institution.

Jerry:Hi Rachel, it's Jerry. Listen, I know you're probably there, you're just screening your calls. Pick up! Come on, just pick up for a second. I just want to talk to you for one minute. Please? Okay, well, I'm not going to beg. Actually, I am going to beg. Please pick up the phone. Hello? Are you there? Okay, fine. I guess you're not there. Or you are there and you're not picking up. Either way, I'm talking to a machine. So I'll just say what I have to say to this machine, and hopefully you'll get the message. Literally.

Frank:Where's the salt? I need more salt!

Estelle:Frank, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack with all that salt.

Frank:Don't tell me how to eat! I've been eating salt for sixty years.

Estelle:And look at you! You're all bloated!

Frank:Bloated?! This is muscle, Estelle!

Morty:You know, these Impressionist paintings, they're not really pictures of things. They're more like... suggestions of things. The artist just kind of throws paint at the canvas and hopes something recognizable emerges.

Morty:I was looking at one the other day by this French guy, Monet... or was it Manet? No, no, it was definitely Monet Garibaldi. Anyway, it was supposed to be a water lily, but it looked like someone sneezed on a canvas.

Helen · Morty:Helen returns from the museum and tells Jerry Morty thought Monet was nearsighted: 'Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.'

Morty:It was a bona fide commercial failure, but it's a classic.

Kramer:These raincoats, they're like the Colt 45 and the Smith and Wesson of outerwear.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:You know, they're precision instruments. Finely crafted. Built to last.

George:I'll stay at the Hotel Georgeau.

George:I'm going to Paris.

Susan:Paris? When?

George:Next month. I need to get away, clear my head.

Susan:But we have the dinner with my parents next month.

George:I know, but this is important.

Jerry:George, you're not really going to Paris.

George:What are you talking about? Of course I am.

Jerry:No, you're not. You hate flying.

George:Well, it's a good lie.

Susan:Wait, you're lying to me?

George:Yes, but now you have an excuse to tell your parents why you can't make the dinner.

George:What? No, I... I didn't know that.

Elaine:So you went to the museum with Jerry's parents?

Aaron:Yeah.

Elaine:And what did you do there?

Aaron:They bought me a Coke.

Morty:I'm telling you, I invented the beltless coat. I was chasing your mother around the bedroom with a belt, and I said, 'Why do we need belts?' So I took the belt off, and I never wore one again.

Morty:Jack? It's Morty. I'm calling you.

Jack:Morty? What happened? Who died?

Morty:Nobody died. I just wanted to talk to you.

Jack:So nobody died and you're calling me?

Jack:You're using OUR raincoat for this scheme?

Frank:It's a good raincoat!

Jack:It's a GREAT raincoat.

Estelle:Jack, don't encourage him!

George:It's probably just a mouse in the wall or something.

Frank:A mouse?! We're moving! I'm not living in a house with mice! Pack your things, we're out of here!

George:Two hundred dollars? For my father's clothes? That's not enough. My father was a very important man. He bowled a 201 once.

Rudy:A 201?

George:That's right. I'll take three hundred.

George:Wait, wait, wait. You had dinner? You and Kramer had dinner together?

George:What, what did you talk about? What could you possibly have talked about?

George:I don't understand this. I don't understand how this happened.

George:You know what, I'm gonna shop. I'm gonna look at some... shirts here. Very nice shirts.

George:These are quality. Look at the stitching on this. That's craftsmanship.

George:So what did Kramer say? What did he say about me?

George:You better show up, or there's gonna be hell to pay!

Jerry:What are you making?

George:I'm serious, Jerry! This is important!

Jerry:No, I know, I know. But what's the dish?

George:It doesn't matter what the dish is!

Jerry:It's gonna be a nice marinade, isn't it?

Jerry:You can't just go to Paris!

George:Why not? People go to Paris all the time.

Jerry:Not like this. Not on a whim.

George:Fine. Forget it. I'm not going.

Aaron:Hey Elaine, I was thinking we could go to that new restaurant tonight.

Elaine:That sounds great!

Aaron:Yeah, and I invited Jerry's parents to come along. They're really funny people.

Elaine:You what?

Rachel:So your parents are leaving tomorrow at 2?

Jerry:Yeah, their flight is at 4.

Rachel:So we have from 2 to 4?

Jerry:Well, they have to get to the airport, so really it's more like 2 to 3:15.

Rachel:Okay, so we're scheduling sex around your parents' departure time?

Jerry:I know, it's not romantic.

Helen:We saw a celebrity today.

Frank:Who?

Helen:I don't know, but he wasn't very tall.

Jack:You know, I've been using that pen you gave me. It's a great pen.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I wish I never gave it to you.

Jack:What is this?! These instructions make no sense! You need a Ph.D. in engineering to open a garage door!

Doris:Jack, it's just a garage door.

Jack:Just a garage door?! This is an affront to mankind! A mockery of human intelligence!

Doris:You're overreacting.

Jack:I'm not overreacting — you're underreacting!

Estelle:You had dinner with them? When did you have dinner with them?

Estelle:We never had dinner with them! How could you have dinner with them?

Estelle:What is this, some kind of joke? Everyone's having dinner with the Seinfelds but us!

Estelle:I want to know right now - who else have you had dinner with that we don't know about?

Frank:There's a mouse in the apartment! A mouse! We gotta get it out of here!

Frank:It could be anywhere. In the walls, in the cabinets, under the couch...

Frank:Wait... what's that? Oh my God! Oh my God!

Frank:It's the remote! The remote is on the floor! The mouse could've gotten to it!

Frank:Where are my vacation clothes? I gotta look casual.

Frank:These are my everyday clothes.

Jerry:You know what they call used clothing? 'Pre-owned.' That's the term now. Pre-owned. Like it's a luxury item. 'Oh, I'm wearing pre-owned.' No, you're wearing nasty-wear. That's what it is. Nasty-wear. Someone else's nasty-wear. That's the real term.

Jerry:I think there's a certain point in a man's life when he stops washing his underwear and starts throwing it away. When the elastic goes, it's gone. That's it. You're done. I don't care if it's new, if the elastic is gone, it goes in the garbage.

Jerry:Because at a certain point, the elasticity just... leaves. It's like the underwear equivalent of a man's life - everything just starts to deteriorate. The waistband separates from the cotton. The stitching comes undone. It's like a textile breakdown.

Jerry:Dad, did you actually watch Schindler's List?

Morty:Of course I watched it!

Jerry:The whole thing?

Morty:Yes, the whole thing. It was great.

Jerry:Did you notice anything... unusual about it?

Morty:Unusual? No, no. What do you mean?

Jerry:It was in black and white.

Morty:So? A lot of movies are in black and white.

George:The raincoat deal is ridiculous. I can't believe I agreed to this.

Kramer:Are you kidding? This is gold, Jerry! Gold!

George:What? Why are you so excited about this?

Kramer:Because it's brilliant! You're gonna make a fortune!

George:Wait... why do you think I'm gonna make a fortune? What do you know that I don't know?

Kramer:Nothing! I just think it's a great idea!

George:No, no, no. You have that look. You know something. Is someone else working on a raincoat deal? Is that it?

Kramer:I want a hundred dollars.

Morty:I can give you fifty.

Kramer:Seventy-five.

Morty:Sixty.

Kramer:We've got a deal. A hundred dollars.

Jerry:I couldn't help it, it just happened!

Elaine:Jerry, you're telling me you did that right there?

Jerry:Well, technically it was more of a reflex action.

Newman:He's making out during Schindler's List. It's like the Nazis invading Poland!

Jerry:It's not a milestone, it's a movie! It's a World War II movie!

George:So? We went to see Schindler's List.

Jerry:You can't make out during Schindler's List!

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because it's Schindler's List! It's about the Holocaust!

George:So we'll wait. We'll make out after the Holocaust.

Frank:That's my shirt!

Kramer:No, it's not.

Frank:Yes it is! I know my own shirt!

Kramer:You're crazy, old man.

Frank:Give me my shirt!

Jerry:So you're just going to move to Paris?

George:It's a fresh start. New country, new me.

Jerry:George, you can't even commit to a coffee shop.

George:That's different. This is Paris. Everyone reinvents themselves in Paris.

Jerry:Name one person who moved to Paris and actually changed.

George:Well... there's me. I'm going to be sophisticated. I'll wear a beret.

Jerry:A beret? George, you can't even wear a normal hat without looking ridiculous.

George:See, this is exactly why I need to leave. Nobody believes in me here.

Frank:What?! Twenty-five dollars?! That's it?! I'm worth twenty-five dollars?!

Frank:I worked my whole life! I built a business from nothing! And I'm worth twenty-five dollars?!

Frank:George said I was dead and I'm only worth twenty-five dollars?! I could get more than that at a pawn shop!

Morty · Helen:Morty and Helen casually mention they saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine: 'He looks better on TV.'

Mr. Goldstein:He's a mail man. He comes to the building, he's always eating, he's very angry...

Estelle:Where's Frank?! I'm not leaving until I find him!

Jerry:You know what I've realized? ATMs and urinals are basically the same thing. You stand there, you're focused, you don't want anyone near you, and you're dealing with something very personal in your pants.

Jerry:The only difference is at an ATM, you're worried about someone looking over your shoulder to see your PIN. At a urinal, you're worried about someone looking over your shoulder period!

Jerry · Rachel:Didn't three hours go by like that? Like that. What about the end, with the list? Yeah, that was some list. What'd you think of the black and white? The black and white? The whole movie was in black and white. Oh, yeah, I didn't even realise.

Morty · Jerry · Helen:You know, I've been thinking — why is Kramer getting 25 percent? Well, he told you about the place. So what? Why is that worth 25 percent? It's a finder's fee. You know what a finder's fee is? You find something, you get a fee. A finder's fee is 10 percent, no more.

Kramer · Morty:No, no. I found the place. I set the whole thing up. I'm doing all the legwork. What legwork? There's legwork. If anything, you're getting too much. Too much? That's right. They're my coats. Okay, look, I want 35 percent. I'm thinking more like 15. No way I'm taking 15. Well, you're not getting 35! All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine to Jerry: 'Don't you think it's odd that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves?' Jerry: 'It is a tad askew.' Elaine: 'Nobody's this nice. This is, like... certifiably nice.' Jerry: 'Yes, he's insane. That's what I think.'

Elaine · Jerry:Don't you think it's odd that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, they're your parents, and you don't do anything. Why's this stranger doing it? ... Nobody's this nice. This is, like, certifiably nice. Yes, he's insane. That's what I think.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry confesses he was making out during Schindler's List. 'I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time. It got the better of me.' Elaine: 'During Schindler's List?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew, the war was over.'

Newman · Helen:Newman witnesses the Schindler's List makeout and immediately reports to Jerry's mother. Newman: 'He was moving on her like the storm troopers into Poland.'

Newman · Helen:Helen: 'Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?' Newman: 'Yes. And a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall.'

Newman:Newman: 'Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.'

Newman:Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.

Jerry · Helen:Helen confronts Jerry: 'You were making out during Schindler's List?' Jerry: 'What? No.' Helen: 'Don't lie, Jerry.' Jerry: 'Newman.'

Jerry · Helen:Schindler's List postmortem: 'We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew, the war was over.' Helen: 'How could you do such a thing?'

Jack · Morty · Helen:Jack Klompus broke the garage window with a rock to get the boxes: 'You wanted those damn boxes, didn't you?' Morty and Helen react with increasing horror. Jack: 'It was $10 cheaper in the afternoon than the morning. I figured, what the hell's the difference?'

Rudy · Morty · George:The raincoat boxes arrive at Rudy's moth-eaten and destroyed. Rudy: 'Moths are the scourge of my business.' George has also apparently sold Frank's clothes to Rudy. Rudy: 'I burned them.' (Re: Frank's moth-ridden cabana wear)

Frank · Kramer · George:Kramer shows up to the Costanza dinner wearing Frank's cabana shirt. Frank: 'That shirt. Where did you get that shirt? That's my cabana shirt. You stole my shirt, you son of a bitch!' George: 'Your friends up in the attic, stealing my clothes!'

Estelle · Kramer:Estelle: 'You look just like Frank on our honeymoon.' Kramer: 'Well, thank you.' — Kramer graciously accepts the compliment about wearing Frank's stolen shirt

George · Jerry:George's Paris scheme final version: he gets the Costanza Paris charter tickets (they're going nowhere), takes Joey to Paris himself, mails his own postcards, and gets into the Big Brothers Hall of Fame. 'I get a free trip to Paris. I go in the Big Brothers' Hall of Fame. I mail my own postcards.' Jerry: 'You know I'm paying for these tickets.' George: 'It's all right. I got lunch.'

Elaine:Elaine describes the Costanza paella to the Seinfelds (who skipped the dinner): 'Have you ever had really good paella? It's an orgiastic feast for the senses, a wanton festival of sights, sounds and colours...'

Frank · Rudy:At Rudy's, Frank confronts the clothes-burner. Rudy: 'I'm the father.' Frank: 'He said his father was dead.' Rudy: 'He said I was dead?' 'That's right. Squeezed an extra $25 out of me.' Frank: 'That's what my life is worth to him, $25?'

Frank · Morty:Frank and Morty's confrontation at Rudy's: 'I want you to know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.' Morty: 'You don't have to retract it. We never went.' Frank: 'I'm retracting that it was ever offered.' Morty: 'I retract your retraction.'

Frank · Morty · Rudy:Rudy refuses to buy Morty's raincoats because of Frank's moth situation. Frank: 'Because of his moths, you're not buying my raincoats?' Rudy: 'That's right.' Frank (non-sequitur): 'I'm all ticklish.'

Aaron · Elaine:Aaron's breakdown at the airport: 'I could've done more. I could've done so much more. I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris... This watch. This watch could've paid for their whole trip. This ring. This ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to.'

Jerry:I think she meant me, but...

Aaron · Elaine:Aaron: 'Water. They need some water.' Elaine: 'Why?' Aaron: 'They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water! Please!'

Jerry · Mr. Goldstein:Jerry arrives at Rachel's door, says hello to her father. Her father informs Jerry that Rachel will not see him 'tonight or any other night.' 'Fortunately, my postman happened to witness the entire incident.'

Mr. Goldstein · Jerry:A heavyset fellow. I believe he lives in your building. Now, if you don't mind... Rachel. Rachel. Good night.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's parents get home to find the apartment cleaned out — a burglar got in through the unrepaired broken window. 'Boy, they could use a vacation.' / 'They're taking one. The travel agent's trying to set something up for them.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'So how about that Aaron? You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice he stood too close to you when he talked?' Jerry: 'No, I hadn't noticed.'

Jerry · Newman · Helen:Jerry and Newman's diner encounter. Newman: 'It's a powerful film.' Jerry: 'Yeah.' Newman: 'Shocking brutality, don't you think?' Jerry: 'Shocking.' Then Helen bursts in: 'Jerry! Jerry! Where the hell is your father?!'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'There's a new personal distance, ATM distance... ATMs and urinals. I guess whenever someone's taking valuables out of their pants, you wanna give them as much room as possible.'