Fattest Asses

Ilana:People from high school only friend you, like, after business hours if they wanna hook up.

Abbi · Ilana:Did Amelia Earhart wait to be asked to fly around the world? Definitely not. She asked. And then they said no. But she still did it. And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

Ilana:Troy Megliarino. He spent a hot sec in jail, but he lives in South Jersey and I know he'd steal a car and come up for the night.

Ilana:You know, I'm picking all white dudes right now. I must be craving pink dick.

Ilana:Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow all through middle school and then he started waxing it and all of a sudden it was like, glasses off, you're fucking gorgeous. It's like 'She's All That.'

Ilana:I feel like I'm on coke right now.

Ilana:We are, like, feminist heroes right now.

Abbi:So, okay, that's 36 guys that we've been rejected by and one lady.

Ilana · Abbi:The Internet is so '90s. Let's go find some guys IRL. / You know, you can just say 'in real life.' It's the same number of syllables.

Abbi:When I was five, I was actually an extra in the movie 'Philadelphia.' It filmed right near my dad's office. So I learned about AIDS before a lot of my friends.

Abbi:Cell phones are so close to being perfect, except that I just miss that there's like a-- Dial tone. Dial tone. Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah. You're trying to make a connection with someone and there's no sound anymore. It's just like, hi, you're there.

Ilana:Freeze, ass bitch, don't move, don't breathe. When was the last time you were tested? Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great. Okay, she's gonna want to shower first, probably, and you know, just be patient, okay? Okay.

Ilana:You should have a sex with him. Tonight.

Ilana:On the-- on the pink? Bitch, please. I haven't even started yet.

Ben:You're not one of those hot girls that says she's gonna text and then doesn't, right?

Abbi:I'm the hot girl at this bar. Me, me is. Yes-- calling my mom.

Ilana:Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks, but 'Silver Linings Playbook,' we have the place to ourselves.

Ilana:Dayum! That penis is pink.

Tyler:There's something I should tell you. I'm bisexual.

Ilana:That is true masculinity. You are truly evolved and I am truly wet.

Abbi · Woman:Has anyone seen a phone? Is there a phone? / I lose my phone all the time, too. I mean, I don't, like, lose it, lose it, I just, like, I see it fall into the toilet, but...

Abbi:Okay, you guys, listen. I lost my phone. This guy is supposed to text me. He called me hot. So I'm cute, but you guys get it. Can you guys help me find it? / Yes. / I'm gonna need you to link arms. We're gonna sweep the bar.

Tyler:Mind if we take a break and I go down on you for 45 minutes?

Ilana:Don't ever let society change you.

Bar patrons:We've all moved on.

Ilana:Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead, you've got to call me back. I'm freaking out.

Abbi:She doesn't have, like, street smarts like me, you know, and no upper body strength.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln, just get a dog. / Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Lincoln:She didn't even say 'bye, Lincoln.' That takes one more second. People have no phone etiquette these days.

Ilana:I thought you got SVU'd.

Upper East Side residents:My son-in-law's such a disgrace. He went to Cornell. / I'm fine with the tsunami, but not in St. Bart's. / It's the tenth horse that died this year. That's ten horses I've had to replace.

Ilana:Why does anybody come up here? It is a horrible, vapid wasteland.

Ilana:Abbi, you should really wear a ball gown IRL.

Elderly woman:I had this-- this-- I had one. This is mine, though. This is the mine, this is easy to--

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana. / Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop. / No, this park is full of pervs. Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip their phone out and we're gonna find yours in three, two, one.

Ilana:Only in NYC! If I were you, I'd pull my phone out and take a pic!

Abbi · Bystander:Why is no one taking a picture of her? / That girl's been here for hours.

Abbi:Hey, one of you stole our phone. We know you're in here!

Ilana:We live in an ugly city of monsters.

Ilana:Times Square, ew! We can't go in here, dude, it's-- it's too disgusting.

Abbi:It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry, because I'll probably, like, always compare them to Ben. It's gonna just tear us apart immediately, or throughout.

Street performer:Fuck you both, you yuppie trash! Tax the rich!

Abbi:What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor? I mean, a black dick, but...

Ilana:You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes that you're actually really racist?

Improv performer:We are Statutory Crepe. Everything you're about to see will be fully improvised.

Improv performers:Mom. / Yes, son? / I need to talk to you about my penis. / Yes, son? I love answering questions about penises, even though I have a vagina! Ha ha ha!

Abbi:I'm embarrassed that I'm here. I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.

Improv performers:How much for this shirt? I can-- One million dollars.

Ilana:Oh, my God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I feel like I've been hate-crimed.

Abbi:I bet the freak was seeing a play and turned it off to be polite.

Ilana:Times Square, Central Park? Upper East Side, means it's a tourist. Ew!

Abbi · Ilana:The last place every tourist goes. / The airport? / No, not-- Not literally the last place. Magnolia Bakery.

Tourist:Oh, no, wait, that was, like, a pinto bean.

Tourist:I must have taken that on incident. I swear. Like, that makes sense 'cause I called my mom and she was like, way nicer than usual.

Tourist:This purse is enormous. I carry it to make me look petite.

Improv performer:Can I get a one-word suggestion? / I heard 'cunnilingus.'

Improv performer:I've got a turtle head poking out!

Improv performer:I am a robot and I'm programmed to be horny.

Improv performer:I made a poopy in my dipey.

Abbi:You are so gorgeous and sexually skilled it's scary, but your improv show was just not good.

Tyler · Abbi:That was one of our best shows. / Shut up, you're an idiot.

Abbi:Thank you for your services. But seriously, thank you for your services, they were good.

Abbi:Don't put your shirt on before you leave. What's the point?

Ben:Just give me a second. Oh, yeah. Just look away, I just need-- I ate banana pudding, I just--

Ben · Abbi:I offer clients incentives to stay with the bank, so. / Cool. / You know, I used to have an office that didn't have a window. They just moved me into an office with a window. / Oh, that's great. I mean, it's much better to have a window. / Much better, I look out all the time.

Ben:That was like a year ago. / 13 months, 14, 13 months, 14 months.

Lincoln:I was so worried, I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.

Abbi · Ilana:He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, for like, 40 minutes. / Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, no, I still slept with him. / Oh! / Yeah! / Nice--

Ben:You know what's good for that? Is if you just get a napkin or a paper towel, or a thick napkin--

Ben:And learn Settlers of Catan. It's honestly not that hard.

Tourist · Man · Tourist:Where is Central Park? / You're in it. / Oh, my God. Central Perk. / The one with Gunther. And 'Smelly Cat'?

Ilana · Abbi:For dick pics and sex media in general. / Why would you need a phone from, like, 'The Wire' for that? / I'm still on my family plan and I don't fully understand the cloud and I don't trust it. I mean, I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Ilana:I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Abbi · Ilana:How many dicks are floating around? / You're counting a lot. / Like, in the late 20s?