The Lockout

Abbi:What is my rent even going to?

Abbi:everyone in the building can just, like, mass murder all their own cockroaches

Abbi:That... that's what that is, 4:00. Okay, I knew that.

Ilana:Zero dark thirty! Zero dark 29! Zero dark 28!... Zero dark zero! Go! Go! Go!

Jeremy:It's like an insect holocaust in here or something. It would make us Mr. and Mrs. Hit... Hitler.

Jeremy:Like Nazis? Yeah, like the... I mean, I just was... Yeah, have a good 24 hours.

Abbi:It's in my mouth!

Ilana:Spread out the Bed Bath & Beyond lectures.

Ilana:Great, you should tell me more while I transform my room into a walk-in closet.

Abbi:It's gonna take you three months, like everything does.

Abbi:This is the biggest moment of our lives. It's my life, but... I mean, you're with... you're with me.

Abbi:I'll Nair, like, a bunch of different areas.

Ilana:but it's white people problems, so let's see if you can keep it in perspective.

Abbi:Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to be upset even though I'm white. Typical honky.

Ilana:He is in Vermont for a straight wedding.

Abbi:We have street smarts.

Ilana · Abbi:Use the wood, dude. Oh, my God, all right. Wood, I mean... Jesus!

Abbi:Sorry, I released too early.

Abbi:dude, I work at a gym. There are so many upper-body strength classes.

Abbi · Ilana:You just went up inside me. Okay. That's just what happened. It was honestly not intentional. It was natural for me.

Ilana:who would you rather have go down on you? Michael Buble or Janet Jackson?

Abbi · Ilana:What Buble are we talking about, though? I don't know, the optimal Michael Buble. His weight fluctuates. Yeah. So does hers. Yeah. So does mine.

Abbi:Michael Buble is, like, such a crooner. I feel like he could do stuff with his mouth that, like, most people couldn't.

Locksmith:Somebody call a locksmith?

Abbi:Yolanda.

Locksmith:the only thing you need to be a locksmith is you gotta want it. Real bad.

Locksmith:They call this a whore door. 'Cause it's so easy.

Abbi:Thank you for your terrifying services and don't call us, we'll call you.

Abbi:Look at this gorgeous immigrant family.

Abbi:I'd know him in and up and all around.

Ilana · Abbi:Cute little Mexican candies. They're Nerds.

Abbi:I am the problem. I am gentrification, you know. In three generations, gentrification is gonna be a non-issue because statistically, we're headed toward an age where everybody's gonna be like caramel and queer

Neighbor · Abbi:I'm gonna shoot you in your face! Wait, wait! I can prove that I live here, okay?

Abbi:Three... three months ago, that old white dude was found chopped up in our dumpster.

Abbi · Neighbor:Last week, one of you farted and I heard it 'cause the walls are so thin and I laughed and then you heard me, so you laughed. That did happen.

Abbi:Now that I say it out loud, I realize I led the creepy dude to your apartment and I am so sorry.

Ilana:'Cause of the... I threw up. 'Cause of the... It was because of the mace.

Abbi:Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for charity. We're, like, doing that, just involuntarily.

Ilana:Yeah, we're just a regular Matt and Ben.

Abbi:honestly, probably look better than if we hadn't been maced 'cause our pores are tight and burning. It's like we had a chemical peel.

Abbi:I was doing park our just now.

Trey:Using the city as your gym, very solstice.

Trey:I wish I was as strong as you. I mean, sometimes I just go to Quizno's and I go nuts.

Trey:You're afraid of your own failure. Abbi, park our is terrifying, I know. But you've got to get back on that urban jungle.

Trey:Show me a tic-tac on the hydrant.

Trey:That's a good hostage, okay. Come down and do a spit roast.

Trey:Picabo Street.

Ilana:You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Abbi:The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo.

Abbi:This is a sandwich shop.

Ilana:it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.

Abbi:One of the sandwich artists? No, I'm one of the... the artist artists.

Employee:people don't really come in here for the art. We're a sandwich shop. So we sell food.

Lincoln · Ilana:Abbi sent me a Facebook invite to her gallery debut. Do you... look... crazy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I do.

Lincoln:I got, like, six cavities.

Ilana:The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi.

Lincoln:Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.

Employee:We're actually a vegan sandwich place. I mean, I guess it's, like, ironic or something.

Ilana:Because then I would be closeted.

Abbi:When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Lincoln · Abbi:They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them. Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters

Employee:You can take your cut of the proceeds, which are 17.50, or you can get a credit for, like, three sandwiches.

Abbi · Employee:And there's no meat. No. Okay, how big are the sandwiches? Like, substantial? We... Sometimes.

Abbi · Employee:Do you know what a sandwich is? Do you? 'Cause you don't have any meat in them. There's no meat in the sandwiches. Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.

Jeremy:Two of my favorite things. Art and Abbi? Um, hamburgers and Abbi.

Creepy Locksmith:Yolanda.

Locksmith:I wanna pick your little keyhole...

Abbi:Yolanda! No! Yolanda! Why?