Trey

Trey:Run a quick 5K, sweat it out, then take an eight-minute nap. Wake up, do a shot of Echinacea, and then jump right into an ice bath. Immediately after that, suck on some ice chips, then urinate as hard and as fast as you can. Then eat a full onion, rub that onion underneath your armpits, any kind of gland, any kind of mucal cavity, okay? It's called cellular confusion.

Trey:Join me in the showers. I'm not on my period.

Trey:Using the city as your gym, very solstice.

Trey:I wish I was as strong as you. I mean, sometimes I just go to Quizno's and I go nuts.

Trey:You're afraid of your own failure. Abbi, park our is terrifying, I know. But you've got to get back on that urban jungle.

Trey:Show me a tic-tac on the hydrant.

Trey:That's a good hostage, okay. Come down and do a spit roast.

Trey:Picabo Street.

Ilana · Trey:What up, Trey? — So much better. Thank you for asking.

Trey:I donated $14,000 to Zach Braff's Kickstarter... my whole savings. But it was worth every penny. The bummer is they spelled my name wrong in the credits and I didn't get my set visit.

Trey:The bummer is that they spelled my name wrong in the credits, and I didn't get my set visit.

Trey · Ilana:Cha-chinga! — Yeah, you know what, I'm in a really good mood today too. Today is a che-chinga. — It's 'cha-chinga.' But that's great.

Trey:Our cycles must be synched. Our... our happiness cycles.

Trey:Yeah, you're normally so sad and sickly and depressed, but today you're rocking positive vibes.

Trey · Ilana:Would you like to assist me today? — I would love to. — Rock on, Garth, let's party.

Trey · Abbi · Bevers:You guys know each other? — You two boyfriend-girlfriend? — God, no. He's my roommate's boyfriend.

Trey:So, you know his body. — This is great.

Trey:He's incredible. — He is the perfect 'before' picture. A lump of clay we're gonna sculpt together, Abbi.

Trey:He's gonna be my Garden State.

Trey · Abbi:(Slap) — Okay. Kinda inappropriate.

Bevers · Abbi · Trey:Oh! (Farts) I'm sorry. — Okay, I think we're done. — Abbi, if you farted, it's all right. — Trey, I did not just fart. — I moved his gluteus sensitive... — Yeah, that's a woman's fart.

Trey · Abbi:Abbi, motivate him, tell him how ripped he's gonna be. — So ripped. — Come on, be more specific. Paint a picture of how he's gonna look with words. — Uh, muscly, like on the top and then skinny stomach.

Trey:When you're home with him, I want you to monitor his diet, his sleep, even his stool. I want you to be all over him, okay?

Trey · Abbi:Oh, and Abbi, could you clean up all this sweat. It's really stinky. — It's actually my lunch break. — Good call. It'll totally be here when you get back. But Abbi, hashtag get clean. Your farts don't smell healthy.

Trey · Abbi:Trey says 'You're fired' to Abbi on her first day training a new cleaner, then immediately says 'I'm kidding, bazinga'

Trey:Trey describes the cleaning emergency: 'Somebody barfed on an exercise ball and then it bounced down two flights of stairs'

Abbi · Ilana · Trey:Trey hosts a party that turns out to be a tiny, lame gathering — the visual of Abbi and Ilana walking in and immediately needing to leave

Trey:Trey offers party snacks: 'Clif bars for the guys, Lunas for the girls'

Trey · Party Guests:The Apprentice 'All-Stars' / 'Omarosa' watching DVDs reveal — the party activity is watching reality TV reruns

Trey · Abbi:Trey's 'Pick a hand' game where no matter which hand you pick, you watch 'The Apprentice All-Stars'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi tells Trey she has a tapeworm to get out of the party

Trey:Trey responds to the tapeworm news: 'Abbi, that's really dangerous. I'm pretty sure tapeworms suck nutrients out of your body. That must be why you ate four and a half luna bars.'

Trey:Trey announces to the whole party: 'Guys, pause it. Abbi had to go because she's got a tapeworm in her butt.'

Trey · Coworker (Gemma):Gemma laughs and says 'She is such a riot' about Abbi's tapeworm announcement; Trey responds 'Gemma, no... no bazinga'

Trey · Abbi:Trey calling to tell Abbi he saw her Instagram at a party with 'a drink on your head' — while she claimed to be in the hospital with a tapeworm

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's cover story: 'It was a throwback Thursday pic that I put up.' / 'But it's Friday.' / 'I'm just stupid.'

Lincoln · Trey:Lincoln improvises: 'Hello, hello, this is Dr. Rotreiller, MD.' / Trey: 'Are you a specialist?' / Lincoln: 'I'm more of a general jack-of-all-trades style doctor.'

Trey · Lincoln:Trey: 'Sorry, no offense, are you a nurse or are you a real doctor?' / Lincoln: 'I, uh... they're calling me. I gotta go get the worm... is... taken out.'

Trey:Trey adopts a brief British accent to announce the 'bloody fucking spill' then immediately drops it: 'But really, there's a bloody fucking spill in the spin studio'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi fakes illness to avoid cleaning: 'I gotta relax before I teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class' — she has no such class; Trey's confused 'What are you talking about right now?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi performs an extended, disgusting throat-clearing as part of her fake illness: 'Whoa, that is a lot of phlegm, isn't it?'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Abbi, that trick is for after hours, okay?' followed by Abbi's quietly devastating '...Kirk?'

Trey · Abbi:Trey's office is revealed to be a storage closet containing Abbi's personal items — he insists 'it's your office, all your stuff's in here'

Trey · Abbi:Trey offers to go down on Abbi in exchange for her silence: 'What do you want, money?' / 'No.' / 'I'll go down on you right now.' / 'No, what?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's actual ask: 'I want to teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class.' Trey: 'We can start there. That's Gemma's class.' Abbi: 'I don't care.'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Look, can't I just go down on you?' Abbi: 'No, stop it.' Trey: 'I think it would be in your best interest—' Abbi: 'Kirk.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'Please, Abbi, I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Abbi · Trey:The mirror installation scene — Abbi and Trey wrestling with the mirror in the dark gym after hours

Abbi · Trey:Abbi and Trey installing the mirror after hours. Trey: 'Looks good.' Abbi: 'Yeah. They're not gonna know, right?' Trey: 'No one will ever notice.' [Cut to the clearly crooked mirror]

Trey · Abbi:Trey ambushes a nearly-asleep Abbi: 'Not so fast, muchacha. I need you right here.' — there's no pube situation, but she has to teach a class

Trey:Trey's flattery: 'Abbi, you're such a good cleaner. You're so special.' — as his sincere compliment to get her to clean

Trey · Ilana:Regina has been missing for 48 hours — Trey: 'Plus Regina who normally teaches the class has been missing for 48 hours.' Ilana: 'Love Regina, but that's awesome.'

Trey:Trey tells Abbi he gets why she needed to decorate her locker: 'I need to curate my space and, it's like, a vision board, you... You know what I mean? Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey compliments Abbi smelling like chlorine and describes his locker decoration philosophy as a 'vision board' — then trails off completely

Trey · Abbi:Trey and Abbi simultaneously say 'Zen out' and then do an extended jinx ritual ('Jinx! / Jinx! / I was gonna say jinx. / Oh. We're buds. / Zen out jinx!')

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'Oh, Abbi. I love you.' Abbi: 'I... I love you...' Trey: 'You do too? Yeah.' followed by him calling her 'my little cupcake' and immediately pivoting to 'My supplements. All hands on deck.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey offers Abbi a private changing room 'if you'd be more comfortable.' Abbi: 'No, I'm totally at ease.' Beat. 'Where is it?'

Trey:Soulstice Games announcement — employees are surprised but Trey is fully committed: 'I remember my first time. I was 23 and I had just found out I was allergic to cashews.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'There's no I in Soulstice.' Abbi: 'But there's...' Trey: 'Well, yes, there is, yes. I've actually been trying to get them to change it to a Y for a long time.'

Trey:Trey: 'You still got time to shave your pubes if you need to lose that last L-B.'

Trey:Trey tells Abbi she doesn't need to do steroids to be cool — then immediately walks her through a half-dose anabolic regimen anyway, noting 'it does make your balls shrivel, but in your case, it's gonna make your boobs rock hard, which is a bless.'

Trey · Abbi:Clear! / Seriously, you're all clear. / Thanks, Trey. / No problem. I've always wanted to do that. You know, 'clear'? / Right.

Abbi · Trey:You don't give your key to a stranger just 'cause he's really cute, you know? / That's a dumb idea. / Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's cool.

Trey:'Hangover III,' honestly, the best one. / 'Babe.' Oscar nom. / And my personal favorite, 'Ratatouille.'

Abbi · Trey:Oh, that'd be cool, but, like, he took my TV and my DVD player. / I anticipated that, so... / My mom got me this portable DVD player for Christmas so I could watch movies on the subway.

Trey · Abbi:Man, I wish there was a basketball league for women so I could play. / Well, there is. / It's the... WNBA. / Yeah. / The WNBA. / I mean, they are so good. / I literally steal moves from them all the time.

Trey:If Remy had a real restaurant, I would totally go there for my cheat meals. Don't care that he's a rat. Don't give a shit. He is so... special.

Trey · Abbi:I would say my favorite painter is probably, um... Pablo Picasso. / Picasso, baby. / Uh, yeah, he's, like, pretty classic. / Want to see my impression of a Picasso painting? / Yes, I would love to. / [contorts body into Cubist shape] / Trey, that is really funny. / It kinda hurts.

Abbi · Trey:I was gonna show you a video on my laptop. / And then that guy stole it today. / Stole that, too... / Hey, you know what they say? You're not a real New Yorker until you've been robbed. / I've been a New Yorker three times, so.

Trey:Awesome sauce.

Trey:I even moved my cheat day in case you wanna split stuff, share aps, whatever you wanna do.

Abbi · Trey:Abbi orders the full 'pan roasted turbot with fennel pollen aioli, prosciutto, borlotti beans, parsnips, turnips and carrots' / Trey orders 'the chicken.'

Trey · Abbi:To new beginnings. / Yeah... But also, to how it is. Now. Presently. / Yes. / You know? Do you understand?

Trey · Abbi:It's a... / Corsage! Yeah. / You know how you said you didn't go to prom? Well... / It's kind of a joke, but... it's also real.

Ilana's father Arthur · Trey:Who the fuck is Trey? / Kirk Steele.

Trey · Abbi:Trey, no, no, wait... wait. / I'm not a joke, Abbi. / I thought we were having fun and... / We were... I was having a really good time. / This really sucks, you know.

Trey:Trey advising a client about steroids: 'I wouldn't recommend steroids for you yet... But we'll see where we wanna go. You wanna get really big, where you can lift a dancer, we might think about it.'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi: 'I didn't win Powerball.' / Trey: 'Yeah, I know, that's why I did this.' / Abbi: 'Does everybody know?' / Trey: 'I think so, air quotes are pretty big now.'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi: 'I knew Top Gun would work.' / Trey: 'Don't expect anyone to learn your name.'

Trey · Abbi · Shania Twain:Abbi introduces herself to Shania Twain and Shania already knows her name — 'Abbi.' — a beat before Abbi says it

Shania Twain · Abbi · Trey:Shania, Abbi, and Trey bonding over Friends: 'I'm such a Chandler.' / 'Total Rachel.' / 'I'm such a Ross.' — with Shania also being 'A little bit Phoebe' and 'A little Gunther, also'

Trey · Shania Twain:Trey does a Ross impression to get out of doing the stair climber, then has to do it anyway

Abbi · Trey:Abbi demonstrating bungee fly exercise, gets launched: 'Uhh!' / Trey immediately: 'Abbi, you know what? Let me do that. Let's switch up. I just think seeing it from this angle might be, a little bit, ahem, safer.'

Trey:Trey, asked to say something meaningful to Abbi, says: 'Bazinga.'

Trey:'You're a good witch, not a bad witch.'

Trey:Trey gets hit in the genitals by gym equipment and reports 'I think I broke my dick'

Paramedic · Trey:'It's your standard penile fracture. We may have to operate. Sorry, man.' / 'Ma'am?' / 'No, no, I said man.' / 'Oh. Okay, cool, thanks, Doctor.' / 'Oh, I'm not a doctor.'

Trey · Abbi · Mike:Trey: 'You're not the relationship type, right?' / Abbi: 'Yeah, totally.' — then immediately after, Abbi hits on paramedic Mike

Trey · Abbi:Trey gives Abbi free weights as a going-away gift. / Thank you so much. I'll... I'll try to put it on my carry-on.

Trey:I've always said, Abbi and incremental free weights, match made in heaven.

Trey · Abbi:Abbi Gary Anna Abrams, will you marry me? / Um... oh, Trey. / Two carats. / No. Right? / Right, yeah, no. / Yeah, no.

Abbi · Trey:Um... oh, Trey. Two carats. No. Right? Right, yeah, no. Yeah, no. You know. You know what? It was a big swing.

Trey:Maria... Cut the video, okay? Delete it. She said no.

Trey:Okay, well, I should probably go 'cause you said no to my proposal, but promise me you'll eat for your blood type, okay?

Trey · Ilana:And I took off work for this. / You did? That sucks. You know what else sucks? When your best friend moves away, and everybody's out for face time for her. Get out of here! But maybe we'll be friends. / I don't have any left.