Hashtag Fomo

Unknown:Opening song lyric: 'I'm not coming to your party because your party sucks'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana FaceTimes Abbi to reveal a nose ring, Abbi's first reaction is 'that's very hot and 2004 of you'

Abbi:Abbi reveals she 'stayed in and organized her life' by reinforcing boob buttons on button-downs and wiping down every surface of her apartment

Abbi:Abbi also 'combined all the weed remnants to make one giant super blunt'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's parting shot: 'Ugh, yeah, try not to pierce your pussy while I'm gone' followed by Abbi's 'Ew, what? Did you just leave?'

Ilana:Abbi: 'I cannot wait to smoke that one day after work.' / Ilana: 'Work? Jesus fu-- I knew I was forgetting something.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey says 'You're fired' to Abbi on her first day training a new cleaner, then immediately says 'I'm kidding, bazinga'

Trey:Trey describes the cleaning emergency: 'Somebody barfed on an exercise ball and then it bounced down two flights of stairs'

Abbi:After Trey describes the barf-ball disaster, Abbi says 'It's actually not a dust brush job' — correcting the tool categorization for a barf-covered bouncing exercise ball

Coworker (Gemma):The coworker's gossip opener: 'Oh my God, Abbi, we have to dish. I heard one of the cleaners got a nose ring. What is it, 2004?'

Abbi:Abbi says 'I don't think he really wants me there. I feel like it was like, a pity invite' about Trey's party

Abbi · Coworker (Gemma):'I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not funny...' / 'Oh my God, you are so weird. I love it.'

Abbi:Abbi's reaction: 'Uh... rea... cool.' — clearly flustered and not knowing how to respond

Ilana:Ilana bursts into an office conference room mid-meeting to announce she needs to leave because her best friend is going to a hot party

Derek (Boss):Boss grants Ilana leave 'only because you closed that keratin pube straightening deal'

Ilana:Ilana tells her coworker Nicole: 'I left a hardboiled egg in our cube. You can have it if you can find it.'

Abbi:Abbi asks 'Why does Trey live next to Port Authority?' while they walk to the party

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi says she'll use the party to 'finally spill the beans' to Trey about wanting to be an instructor/trainer; Ilana responds 'Hell yeah, dude, carpe damn'

Abbi · Ilana · Trey:Trey hosts a party that turns out to be a tiny, lame gathering — the visual of Abbi and Ilana walking in and immediately needing to leave

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana says Abbi is being 'intolerant' for wanting to leave; Abbi gasps

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, you're being... intolerant.' — then Trey arrives

Trey:Trey offers party snacks: 'Clif bars for the guys, Lunas for the girls'

Coworker (Gemma):The coworker/Gemma whispers 'What a freak' approvingly about Abbi after the snack selection

Abbi:Abbi says unprompted: 'I would definitely rather turn into a little old man than a little old woman, but I'm not going to be able to help it'

Abbi · Coworker (Gemma):Gemma asks 'Do you ever straighten your hair, though?' and Abbi clarifies 'Wait, do you mean my head hair?'

Trey · Party Guests:The Apprentice 'All-Stars' / 'Omarosa' watching DVDs reveal — the party activity is watching reality TV reruns

Trey · Abbi:Trey's 'Pick a hand' game where no matter which hand you pick, you watch 'The Apprentice All-Stars'

Ilana:Ilana has texted 'where party' to EVERYONE in her phone the moment the party disappointed her

Abbi · Trey:Abbi tells Trey she has a tapeworm to get out of the party

Trey:Trey responds to the tapeworm news: 'Abbi, that's really dangerous. I'm pretty sure tapeworms suck nutrients out of your body. That must be why you ate four and a half luna bars.'

Abbi:Abbi escalates the tapeworm lie: 'I feel like it's moving and like, now it's in my bu... uh... It's in my butt... now.'

Trey:Trey announces to the whole party: 'Guys, pause it. Abbi had to go because she's got a tapeworm in her butt.'

Trey · Coworker (Gemma):Gemma laughs and says 'She is such a riot' about Abbi's tapeworm announcement; Trey responds 'Gemma, no... no bazinga'

Ilana:Ilana to Jaime's boyfriend: 'I've been social media stalking you since Jaime told me you were his... whatever'

Ilana:Ilana's extended speech about not fetishizing gay friends: 'Not like in a 'I can't wait to officiate your gay wedding' way, 'cause straight people always say that and it's like, gross. It's just fetishizing their gay friends.'

Ilana · Jaime's boyfriend:After the whole speech, the boyfriend simply says 'You're Ilana, right?' and Ilana says 'How did you know?'

Ilana · Jaime's boyfriend · Jaime:Instagram filter debate: 'I'm gonna use valencia, is that okay you think?' / 'Everybody uses the valencia' / 'What are you going to use?' / 'The Kelvin' / 'Using the kelv... no, that's silly, for goodness!' / 'For goodness.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's party-rating system: 'This party is a seven. We could be missing out on a 10.' Abbi: 'Yeah, but we leave and we end up at a six?'

Ilana:Ilana's response to ending up at a six: 'I don't know, we fuck ourselves, who cares?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana seriously discuss suicide methods: 'I'd shoot you in the face and shoot myself in the heart.' 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' / Ilana: 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' / Abbi: 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Lincoln:Lincoln claims to have 'just done the worm' at the party; when challenged, he demonstrates a version where he 'barely moves'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln does 'pec jumps' (makes his pectoral muscles bounce individually) and Ilana gasps and says 'Do that again'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana commands Lincoln: 'Can you worm us there?' — and he does the worm across the party toward the snacks

Ilana:Ilana describes the charcuterie board as having 'dog dick, ghost poop, grapes, and cornichons'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana holds up a cornichon next to her face: 'Don't I look like a giant?' / Abbi: 'That is so weird. I was just googling micropenises this morning and they look exactly like that. All lumpy and—'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I was just googling micropenises this morning and they look exactly like that. All lumpy and (bleep).'

Abbi · Ilana:'Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me. You saw I was enjoying this.' / 'Okay, don't ruin micropenises for me.' / 'Touché.'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Narnia of partias is still out there and we're going to find it.' / 'Did you just say Narnia of partias?'

Ilana · Abbi · others:The extended 'Rent' discourse: 'Do you guys know that play 'Rent'? I don't understand how they thought that they just didn't need to pay rent, like, at all.' / 'I know, it's like, it sucks, but everybody has to pay rent.'

Ilana:'I could totally be on Broadway. I'd be like... 500, 25...' (phone vibrates, interrupting)

Trey · Abbi:Trey calling to tell Abbi he saw her Instagram at a party with 'a drink on your head' — while she claimed to be in the hospital with a tapeworm

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's cover story: 'It was a throwback Thursday pic that I put up.' / 'But it's Friday.' / 'I'm just stupid.'

Lincoln · Trey:Lincoln improvises: 'Hello, hello, this is Dr. Rotreiller, MD.' / Trey: 'Are you a specialist?' / Lincoln: 'I'm more of a general jack-of-all-trades style doctor.'

Ilana:Dr. Rotreiller's tapeworm update: 'It's still in her anus. It is crowned and... and breeched.'

Trey · Lincoln:Trey: 'Sorry, no offense, are you a nurse or are you a real doctor?' / Lincoln: 'I, uh... they're calling me. I gotta go get the worm... is... taken out.'

Abbi:After Ilana hangs up, Abbi says 'I'm sorry. That guy did not sound qualified.'

Lincoln:Lincoln's 'trust fall' into a stranger's arms at a party — 'Ready to fall.' (Guests) 'Fall away.' 'Falling.'

Lincoln:After the trust fall, Lincoln clarifies: 'I'm a dentist, not a doctor. I don't know how to deal with high-pressure situations.'

Lincoln · others:Lincoln does a 'black Irish goodbye' — apparently just vanishes from a conversation without warning, and this is a known behavior

Abbi:Abbi: 'All right, I agree.' — agreeing with the decision to go to the rooftop party after initially resisting

Ilana:They arrive at the rooftop party. Ilana: 'Whoo, this party is a— 10, I knew it!' then: 'Yes, whose party is this, dude? Who gives a fat wet (bleep)?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'God, I love when straight dudes make out.'

Unknown party guest:'You never know if you never try, you never try if you never know, you know?'

Unknown:'You never know if you never try, you never try if you never know, you know?'

Ilana:Bouncer scene: Ilana tries to get them into a venue, fails, then: 'They're not gonna let us in, then I don't wanna go in there. 'Cause you know why? We deserve better than that.'

Val (Abbi):Val's introduction: 'I'm Val about town, town about Val.'

Val (Abbi) · Bar regulars:The entire bar greets Val by name: '(Man) Hey, it's Val! (All) Val!'

Abbi (as Val):Val/Abbi performs a full swing song: '♪ Forget your troubles, come on get happy ♪' — the whole bar is her audience

Bartender:Bartender reveals Val has been coming here for 'over a hundred years' / 'No, I'm just kidding, it's more like three years.'

Ilana:Ilana's realization: 'How did I not know that when Abbi gets blackout drunk she becomes Val? My FOMO's through the damn roof.'

Val (Abbi):Val greets Ilana: 'Aren't you a hot diggity-diggity-dog and a scallywag to boot?'

Ilana:Ilana's reaction to being called 'Baby Doll' by Val: 'Baby Doll? Of course I have been missing out on this for years.'

Val (Abbi) · Ilana:Val: 'You're always worried about missing out on life. You never bother to actually live.' / Ilana: 'Uh... doy.'

Abbi (as Val) · Ilana:Val kisses a bar patron: 'Johnny, you cad. I forgot you were the best kisser in town. Except for my main squeeze.' / Ilana: 'I'm your main squeeze?' / Val: 'Yeah.'

Val (Abbi) · Johnny:Val kisses a man: 'Johnny, you cad. I forgot you were the best kisser in town. Except for my main squeeze.'

Val (Abbi) · Ilana:Val tells Ilana she's 'my favorite little jewy this side of St. Louie'

Val (Abbi):Val is given a diamond and gasps with child-like delight

Ilana:Ilana announces: 'Val bar is Narnia!'

Ilana · Abbi:Morning after: Ilana singing 'No mo' FOMO' while Abbi has absolutely no memory of Val

Abbi:It's 6:45 AM. Abbi realizes she has work at 7. 'I guess I'm just gonna go to work right now then.'

Ilana:Ilana tells the cab driver 'Treat her right, sir' as Abbi gets in to go directly to work from a bar at 6:45 AM

Abbi · Unknown:Abbi gets out of the cab, coughs, and someone says 'Classic Val'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana grabs Abbi's nose ring area: 'Hold on, I think my nose ring is here.' Abbi: 'Don't touch it!'

Maria:Maria explains: 'I always wanted to be a trainer, so I asked Trey at the party. We both were a little drunk, so I was not afraid. It was like asking a friend, you know, instead of a boss.'