The Matrix

Security Guard · Abbi · Ilana:Security guard pretends to be a record producer to get Abbi and Ilana to stop drumming, then immediately deflates the setup

Ilana:"Cocaine and incest, baby. Can't get enough."

Ilana · Abbi:"Sometimes it's the less you know, though... you know?" followed by Abbi's flat "No."

Ilana:Immediate pivot to obsessing over what food will be at the dog wedding

Abbi · Ilana:Watching the dog wedding e-vite video and declaring it 'a masterpiece'

Abbi:"Why is that shot in there? It's animated, it didn't need to be in there at all."

Ilana:Immediate pivot from film criticism to 'people steal people's dogs and sell them' with a Judge Judy reference

Abbi · Ilana:Judge Judy's net worth is bleeped — the number is so large it's treated as profanity

Ilana:"Wait, keep that face. I gotta take a pic and capture your deep, deep Judy discovery."

Ilana · Abbi:"I'm gonna 'gram it. No filter." — followed by the 'Whoa...' beat implying the phone sucks them into a vortex

Ilana · Abbi:"Jesus, I forgot you were in the (Bleep) room! Holy (Bleep), dude, how did we forget that we were here together?"

Ilana:"We were so tapped into the worldwide bloodstream, we fell into the lint roll matrix."

Ilana:"Gmail, Grindr, Facebook, Facetime, Insta, Grindr, Tumblr, Twitter, Dlisted."

Ilana:"...rip the plug out to go to sleep, rub one out, rinse and repeat."

Ilana:Ilana answering her phone mid-speech about how they're addicted to their phones

Ilana:"Dude, I'm not my brother's keeper." in response to whether Lincoln is wearing a tie

Ilana:"They're on Abbi's toes." — the wedding rings are being worn on Abbi's toes

Ilana:"Not to 'patronize' you, but of course I have the rings" — Ilana air-quotes 'patronize' back at Eliot

Abbi:The rollerblades are Jaime's, acquired after Hurricane Wanda for 'future emergencies'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana negotiating how to fill Ilana's oversized rollerblades — 'sponges, cotton balls, newspaper around my negative space in my foot'

Ilana · Abbi:The blades actually fit Ilana — 'They fit me. They're a little snug, actually.' — followed by Abbi's deflated 'That's cool... That's cool... Yeah. That's cool.'

Abbi · Ilana:Neither of them knows where the dog wedding is — they don't have their phones

Ilana:"If our foremothers can find countries without phones, we can find a dang dog wedding."

Abbi:"I miss the blue light. Ooh, I wanna marry the blue light."

Ilana:"If I had my phone right now, I would Tinder the (Bleep) out of like all those beefcakes."

Ilana:"You don't need Tinder for these dudes. You've got Tinder right here, IRL. Wanna 'fook'?!"

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi being peer-pressured into yelling 'Wanna foooook?' in the park

Abbi:Abbi falls while rollerblading immediately after the 'fook' success — 'My first impression is always better on Tinder. I suck without the Internet, dude.'

Abbi · Ilana:The 'bail! bail!' sequence — Ilana and Abbi discover they can't stop their rollerblades and bail off-road into a ditch/hole

Ilana · Abbi:'What if I jump down in there, and then we scream for help together?' / 'No, you need to go get help.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi stuck in a hole — Ilana's emergency kit is 'two joints, nuts and figs, and a lanyard'

Abbi · Ilana:"You mean gimp?" / "You wanna argue about what it's called right now? You, in the hole?"

Ilana:"Okay, I'm gonna BRB."

Abbi:"I don't want these figs. I don't like the little beads in 'em."

Abbi · Ilana:"Wait, Ilana. [pause] Yeah? [pause] I do want the figs."

Event Coordinator/Monica:Someone at the wedding nearly eats the dog quiche — 'Those are the dog quiche!'

Event Coordinator/Monica:"I just checked in with the bride. Her heart is racing, but that's not unusual. Chihuahuas' hearts always race. They were bred as like a joke."

Lincoln:"Cold paws is a very serious disease in the chihuahua community. Poor toe circulation. It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas."

Lincoln:'Cold paws is a very serious disease in the chihuahua community. Poor toe circulation. It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas.'

Event Coordinator/Monica:"Cold paws, cold feet, you get why I..." trailing off

Eliot:Eliot sweating through his suit, worried Brandon will see his 'enormous sweat glands'

Lincoln:"I've never been to a dog wedding before, but I'd get married here in a second. Hey, don't tell Ilana I said that."

Abbi:Abbi's pain-induced fantasy sequence — she imagines herself 'down the shore with my family', then escalates to increasingly glamorous scenarios with celebrities

Ilana:Ilana gets completely lost in the park looking for the dog wedding and we hear her calling 'Eliot!' into the void

Ilana:Ilana stumbles upon something strange in the park — the timestamp gaps and 'Whoa.' / 'What is this?' / 'Oh, Jesus, turn it off.' / 'What the (Bleep)?' reaction sequence

Event Coordinator/Monica:"Look, I don't want to freak out right now, but that bitch, she won't keep her dress on. It's a Vera Wag."

Event Coordinator/Monica · Lincoln:"Ordinarily, I would not say this, but they're dogs. / Well, you just lost one star on dog Yelp."

Eliot:Negotiating with the dog bride about whether she's actually into the groom — 'I can't afford more alimony'

Ilana:"Oh, dog wedding gazebo! Yes! Maps rule! Foremother's a bitch! Sacagawea!"

Ilana · Tourists:Tourists find Ilana rollerblading and one of them photographs her on a phone — she first tries to give them her number ('Are you gonna call?') then realizes they're just photographing her

Abbi:"Sir... I'm afraid we're never gonna get out of this place."

Abbi:'Sir... I'm afraid we're never gonna get out of this place.'

Ilana · Wedding Guest:Ilana arrives at the wedding mid-ceremony shouting 'Wait! Hold up! Stop the wedding!' — and someone mutters 'She's always gotta make it about her.'

Ilana · Lincoln:The dog identifies Abbi's scent on Ilana's repurposed shirt — 'This was once Abbi's shirt that I re-purposed to make cooler. Come on, boy, that's her scent.' / 'She's a girl.' / 'Oh. We'll treat her differently, then.'

Ilana:Ilana doing a Simon Cowell impression at the dog wedding, critiquing a dog's 'performance'

Ilana:Ilana arguing with another 'judge' about the dog's performance — 'She put her heart out there. She put her soul out there.' — then immediately snapping out of it

Ilana:'No, I completely disagree. Are you kidding me? She put her heart out there. She put her soul out there. You are completely overlooking the level of commitment that performance took!'

Ilana:"Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Abbi's wearing my backpack as a diaper."

Ilana · Abbi:"Dude, I was gone for like 25 minutes. Half-hour tops. / It felt like a lot longer."

Lincoln · Abbi · Lincoln:"I'm practically a doctor." / "But you're not." / "I am a doctor, and I have a lot of experience with sprains and breaks." / "No offense, but it's more like you drain fluid from their butt sacks."

Lincoln:"Look, the truth about cats and dogs is..." — Lincoln starts a movie-title setup that's immediately cut off

Abbi · Lincoln:The wedding ring conversation — 'You'll get them when the swelling goes down.' / '48 hours.' / 'In about one to two weeks.'

Officiant:"By the powers vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you, dog husband, and dog wife." / "Ok, kiss."

Eliot · Ilana · Lincoln:"So I guess we're related now. / Can in-laws hook up? / Yeah, it's like soft incest. / Whoa, that's so royal."

Unknown — possibly a wedding guest:"I think I've seen all I needed to see today. Take her outta here, boys."

Abbi:Final shot: Abbi, in an ambulance, eating a fig and saying 'Fig!'