Telethon

Ron:Take the puppy outside.

Andy:Oh my God, you want me to take it out back and... oh my God.

Andy:Please don't shoot me. I'm just a puppy. I have dreams. I want to see Europe.

Andy:Your mustache is really impressive, Mr. Swanson. I wish I could grow one like that, but, you know, I'm a puppy.

Andy:Ron, come on, just try it once. Do the puppy voice!

Ron:No.

Andy:Please? It's so fun!

Ron:I have no interest in making sounds like a small dog.

Andy:But Ron, if you just let yourself go, you could really connect with your inner puppy.

Ron:I will cut you.

Leslie:Pawnee is the fourth-fattest town in Indiana. And that's only because the guy who did the study didn't count certain parts of The Mall of America as a geographical location.

Jerry:It's a big night. The kids are away.

Leslie:Oh my God, Jerry, no! Not in the office!

Leslie:I made these t-shirts myself. They say 'Diabetes... can you beat this?' Get it? Because diabetics have to beat their... no, wait, that's not working.

Leslie:Eight hours total for a terrible pun and basic embroidery

Andy:I'm just gonna say it. I don't like salad. And I'm not ashamed. Salad is just a vehicle for ranch dressing, and honestly, why not just drink the ranch?

Leslie:Okay, so here's what you do. You rent out the entire miniature golf course, right? And you have a string quartet playing, but make it a surprise string quartet — they're hidden behind the windmill. Then you get her favorite food catered, but here's the thing — it's all bite-sized. Everything. Bite-sized lobster tails, bite-sized filet mignon, bite-sized champagne.

Leslie:And then, and this is important, you have a hot air balloon on standby. Not necessarily to go up in it, but just... there. In case the moment feels like it needs a hot air balloon.

Leslie:Oh! And you hire someone to follow you both around with a harp. Just playing the harp. Whenever anything romantic happens, harp music.

Leslie:You could have an eagle deliver the ring.

Ben:An eagle?

Leslie:Yes. Eagles are very majestic. They symbolize freedom and power. Plus, people love eagles.

Ben:I'm not having an eagle deliver my proposal.

Leslie:What if you had two eagles?

Tom:I can't make it to the work event tonight. I have a thing.

Leslie:What thing?

Tom:I don't want to go.

Leslie:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my very special guest tonight!

Leslie:He played professional basketball, and he is here!

Tom:Wait, who is this guy?

Leslie:This is Detlef Schrempf!

Tom:I have no idea who that is.

Leslie:He played for the Pacers, the Supersonics, the Blazers...

Tom:Still nothing.

Tom:Does cable access have hair and makeup?

Leslie:Yeah, we have a makeup station. It's a box of wet wipes and a broken compact mirror from 1987.

Leslie:My grandmother used to say, 'The devil is in the details.'

Leslie:Then she'd say, 'The devil is in the delivery.'

Leslie:Then she'd say, 'The devil is in the room with us right now, watching, always watching.'

Leslie:She was a very superstitious woman. Also, she was probably just talking about my grandfather.

Donna:I have a sunny disposition and it needs to be protected.

Tom:Oh, you don't know about Detlef Schrempf's guest appearance on 'Verboten Liebe' in 1987? Everyone knows that.

Tom:It was a three-episode arc. He played a mysterious businessman. It's pretty much common knowledge at this point.

Tom:I'm 5'9". Well, 5'8" and three-quarters, but I round up.

Jerry:Wait, so I need this cord for the phone, and this cord for the... what is this one for again?

Jerry:And then this goes to... the wall? Or the thing on the wall?

Jerry:So I've got five cords, three boxes, two adapters, and... is this a fax machine?

Jerry:Why do I have the most complicated phone setup of anyone in this office?

Joan:I'm Joan Callamezzo, and welcome to Pawnee Today.

Joan:Today we're discussing the pressing issues facing our community. Much like President Nixon once said, 'I am not a crook.'

Cameraman:That's... that's actually a great reference.

Joan Callamezzo:We're here tonight to raise money for diabetes. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Joan, why should I give money to diabetes research?' Well, let me tell you something — you're all going to get it anyway with the way you eat. So you might as well fund the research that's going to save your miserable lives. Come on, donate now. Your future amputation depends on it.

Leslie:What's the secret ingredient in these energy bars? They're amazing!

Ann:High fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, and false hope.

Ann:Leslie? Leslie, wake up.

Leslie:Waffles.

Tom:What? Athletes are popular? I had no idea!

April:We're very happy. Andy's been nothing but supportive and kind. I love him very much.

Leslie:Welcome to our medical fundraiser telethon. We're here to raise awareness and funds for health initiatives in Pawnee.

Leslie:You could say we're really going to... diagnose the problem and prescribe a solution!

Andy:♪ You got the sugar, I got the love, diabetes ain't gonna stop us now! ♪

Andy:Wait, that's not... that came out wrong.

Donna:Hello? Yes, this is Donna Meagle... No, I cannot talk right now, we're in the middle of a telethon... What? You're calling from London? Well, what do you want?... You want to discuss the new season of Doctor Who? ...Fine, but make it quick.

Tom:Dude, you know what I love? Magic. Like, real magic. Not card tricks or whatever, but like, actual transformation. You know what I'm talking about?

Schrempf:Uh, no.

Tom:Like when David Blaine makes the Statue of Liberty disappear. That's real magic, man. That's transformation on a massive scale.

Tom:Hey Schrempf, could you sign this for me? 'To Tom, you're the greatest.' Actually, wait, make it out to my ex-wife. 'Dear Jennifer, remember when you said I'd never amount to anything? Well, I met Detlef Schrempf. So who's laughing now? Actually, you probably are. You always laugh at me. Not with me, at me. Anyway, you're the greatest, Detlef. Unlike some people I could mention. Some people named Jennifer.'

Ron:Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't give a man a fish and you feed yourself. He's got to fend for himself.

Elderly Man:And now I'm going to weave this cane through the seat. Notice how I'm creating a tight diagonal pattern.

Elderly Man:This is the critical moment. One wrong move and the entire chair is ruined!

Elderly Man:Will I succeed? Stay tuned!

April:Hello, is this the Parks Department donation line?

Caller:Yes, I'd like to make a contribution.

April:Cool. What's your name?

Caller:It's David.

April:David... are you single?

Caller:I... yes?

April:Great. Do you want to get coffee sometime?

Caller:I called to donate money.

April:Yeah, I know. But first, coffee?

Leslie:He's like a still pond. Peaceful. Serene. If that pond was filled with sadness and bad choices.

Leslie:Mark, you have to propose to Ann on live television. It's the only way to make it truly special.

Mark:Leslie, that's insane. Ann would hate that.

Leslie:No, no, no. Every woman dreams of a public proposal. It's like when the Bachelor proposes at the end of the season.

Mark:I don't know what that is.

Leslie:What? Of course you do. Every woman knows about it. It's only the most important television event of the year.

Ann:I've never seen it.

Leslie:Ann! How is that possible? You're a woman!

Leslie:So what's the story behind the ring?

Mark:I bought it at a jewelry store.

Andy:Hey! Back off, buddy! I'm warning you – I know like, seven types of martial arts. Well, I know of them. I've heard about them.

Andy:And I will hurt you. I will hurt you so bad. You're gonna be all... sore... and... broken.

April:Andy, he's not a threat.

Andy:Oh. Okay. Never mind then. Welcome, friend!

Donna · Leslie:He wants to know what happened on Lost. / Oh, thank God.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about my legacy. What will people remember me for?

Leslie:Well, probably the time you fell into the pit. But don't worry Jerry, you'll be dead soon anyway.

Leslie:We need to make this more exciting for TV. What if I just took my top off right now?

Ben:Leslie, no.

Leslie:Why not? Sex sells!

Ben:Because we're in the Parks Department, not a music video.

Joan:Leslie, those pants are completely see-through.

Leslie:I know, but I got them on sale, and I think if I believe hard enough that they're opaque, then other people will too.

Detlef:Thank you for having me. I'm here to support this wonderful cause. I've had about seven beers since I got here, so I'm feeling pretty good about everything.

Perd Hapley:What you're watching right now is a dance. Dances are movements set to music, and what makes this particular dance special is that it involves rhythm, which is a pattern of beats. The person you see moving is a dancer, and dancing is what dancers do.

Ron:What in the holy hell is that man doing?

Leslie:Ann, I haven't slept in thirty-six hours. I think I accidentally drove through someone's fence.

Ann:You think?

Leslie:Okay, I definitely drove through someone's fence.

Ann:Leslie fell asleep on my couch.

Ann:She's been there for three days.

Ann:I love Leslie so much when she's sleeping. She's so peaceful and beautiful.

Ann:You know what would be hilarious? If I drew a little mustache on her face with a Sharpie.

Ron · Leslie:Ron demonstrating chair re-caning on the telethon. 'Over. Under. And you guessed it. Over.' / God, he's actually losing money.

April:April flirting with a caller during the phone bank — 'You sound cool. You sound really strong. Hey, why don't you forget about the donation and just come down here and meet me in person.'

Barney (tax software man) · Leslie:When it comes to preparing taxes... The only thing that's taxing is deciding which software to buy. [A man delivering tax software ads on the telethon while Leslie has a breakdown]

Leslie:I am completely screwed. I have no Schrempf, no backup plan, no more NutriYum bars. / What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike? No time to train one. Hot people kissing? I don't know. Maybe Mark and Ann would...

Leslie:Have you ever seen this man sleep? It's like underwater ballet.

Leslie:I think you should propose to Ann tonight. On camera. For diabetes.

Leslie · Mark:Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV? / No. / I do. Most women do.

Leslie:Is there a story behind it? Was she on the Titanic?

Mark · Barney:What do you think I should do? [Mark asks camera, seeking advice on the proposal] / And that concludes a quick look at QuickBooks Pro.

Leslie:But coming soon, a really amazing thing is going to happen. So, get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out. Or get your tissues out, if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross.

Leslie:One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America. [Video title shown on telethon]

Leslie:Hey, Leslie. It's Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

April · Creepy Joe:Please be April. / Yeah? / It's Joe from the phone. I made you laugh. You said come down. / Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll.

Andy:I work for the Sewage Department. I'm up to my waist in hot snizz. Take a walk. Bye-bye.

Ron:Okay. My second favorite episode? Monica is making dinner, and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So, Joey says, 'Get in the box.'

Unknown Telethon Performer · Leslie:I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes. / No. No, you won't. No, you won't. Because if you do that, you will die.

Leslie:Well, Pawnee. It's almost 6:00 in the morning. And, we need to keep those donations coming in. / Leslie. / No. Should I come up now? / No. No. What we're going to do is we're going to pull our pants down. That's what we're going to do. Everyone's gonna pull their pants down for diabetes.

Detlef Schrempf · Joan · Tom:Thanks, Tom. / All right. Thanks, Tom. Well, on behalf of the Detlef Schrempf Foundation, I would like to present this check for $5,000 for diabetes research. / Oh, man! Yeah. / Big man, big check. / By the way, I'm drunk.

Leslie · Mark · Ann:So, that's why you pulled your pants down. / Yeah. / Wait, what did I do?

Perd Hapley:It's 6:04 a.m. and I'm Perd Hapley of Channel 4 Eyewitness News. And the story of this next dance is that it's called The Worm.

Perd Hapley:Perd Hapley does The Worm on cable access at 6 a.m. [Physical comedy implied by context]

Unknown voice (off-camera):What the [bleep] are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Leslie · Ann:I'm a little tired. / Okay. / So, I may have parked on your front lawn. / You did. / I did. / Oh! / Yeah.

Ann:She's been asleep for... twenty-two hours.

Ann:I've been monitoring her vital signs. She's totally fine. I love her so much. But I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.