Joan Callamezzo

How are your kids doing? They're pretty good. Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful?

you were flashing some serious 'do me' eyes. That's just my opinion.

This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!

Like I'm on a Stairmaster, except more, like, in a sexual... Context.

And I am not a crook. No, he's not.

Tonight, we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-size pockets and donate generously.

You just love flashing your ass, don't you? When it's for a good cause, Joan.

Harvest Festival more like 'Harvest Bestival.' They've planted the seeds, and now, they're harvesting the rewards. They'll put the fun in funnel cake.

If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married. Tom, I'm already married. That's right. To Seal. What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband.

But deadly. When was the last time this giant wheel of death was inspected?

How many of these carnies are illegals?

Are you [bleep] kidding me? You got Li'l Sebastian?

Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing. / Yes, thanks for noticing.

Let's go ahead, let's get some shots of chipped paint and crying babies. How about some of those spooky traffic lights.

Oh, I love these things. Sorry.

Hi. Joan Callamezzo. Yeah. Hi, Ben Wyatt. We've met. I don't think so. Yeah, I was on your show. Nope.

I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl Without being disrespectful

Ben, I'm cute together with everybody.

We received a tip that you, Leslie 'Born and Raised' Knope, were not born in Pawnee. What? Gotcha!

I have to tell you. This feels like 'Gotcha' journalism. In what way? That way. You put 'Gotcha' on my face.

Where was Leslie Knope actually born? Pawnee. We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model. That never happened.

I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

I'll have another drink, and so will this adorable hunk of caramel to my right.

Take me home, dumpling. It's beddy time.

I want to take you both home and...bend you over and just...at the same time.

Well, thank you for getting me home last night. I wasn't feeling very well. Because of some bad seafood that I ate. Yes. That's probably what it was.

And I am legendary newswoman Joan Callamezzo, newly single.

Ah, that's okay, Joan. / Looking at you, Leslie.

Once again, Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.

Well, that's your opinion.

Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago.

Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

my favorite fishmonger now makes house calls. / Thank God. / Finally.

I love your hair. / Oh. Thank you. / It's genetic and unattainable.

Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot. Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.

I'll have the 'Joan.' It's a tumbler of gin and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.

You said your name was Glenn? Yes, I did. That's pretty.

Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham. Okay. She thinks she's in Batman.

On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.