Emergency Response

Leslie:I can sum up Pawnee Commons in one word: Dynamite.

Leslie:D-Y-N-A-M-I-T-E. Dynamic. Young. Nostalgic. Aspirational. Modern. Innovative. Tourist attraction-y. Exciting.

Jeremy Jamm:There was a standing ovation for my presentation.

Leslie Knope:No there wasn't.

Ben Wyatt:Everyone was sitting down the whole time.

Jeremy Jamm:History will decide.

Jeremy Jamm:Okay, here's my plan for the lot. We sell it to a developer. Developer builds luxury condos. People buy the condos. They live in the condos. It's a win for the developer, a win for the people living in the condos, a win for the city because of increased tax revenue, and a win for me because I facilitated the deal.

Jeremy Jamm:Quadruple-win.

Jeremy Jamm:That's all I got.

Jeremy Jamm:*drops mic*

Leslie:I'm not editorializing. That's literally what they call it. The Greasy Lard Bomb is their bestselling burger.

Store Employee:You know what? Material possessions are forever. Love? Love fades. But this KitchenAid mixer? This will outlast your marriage. Guaranteed.

Store Employee:I've seen it a thousand times. Couples come in here all starry-eyed, pick out their china patterns, and then bam—six months later, he's gone. But that Cuisinart is still running strong.

Ben:Did the Dalai Lama tell you that?

Leslie:Oh my God, look at this! A serrated bread knife with an ergonomic grip. We NEED this.

Ben:Leslie, we already have three bread knives.

Leslie:Not like this one, we don't. And actually, we need TWO of these. One for bread, one for... other breads.

Ben:We could sell naming rights to park features. You know, 'The Sweetums Bench,' 'The Paunch Burger Gazebo.'

Leslie:That's actually a great idea, Ben.

Ben:We could sell naming rights to anything. 'The JJ's Diner Drinking Fountain,' 'The Kwame Jackson Trashcan.'

Tom:Ooh, what about 'The Rent-A-Swag Tree'?

Ben:Sure. 'The Sweetums Ant Colony.' 'The Paunch Burger Air.'

Leslie:We're not naming the air, Ben.

Ben:Not with that attitude.

Ron:These are Egyptian cotton sheets. 1,200 thread count. I had them specially ordered from a supplier in Cairo.

Ron:I don't believe in romance, but I do believe in high-quality linens.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, applaud.

Leslie:No, no, no, no, no. Why are you applauding? I didn't say anything yet.

Leslie:This is exactly like when my kids clap before I finish the sentence. I hate that.

Leslie:Tom, can you handle the vendors?

Tom:Sure, I'll make sure everything is on a roll.

Leslie:Please don't.

Tom:Don't worry, I'll ketchup with them later.

Leslie:Tom, stop.

Tom:This is going to be egg-cellent. I mean, lettuce be honest, I'm on a roll. Lettuce, get it?

Leslie:I'm walking away now.

Tom:Wait, you're not even going to say I'm the cream of the crop? Because I'm dairy good at this.

Tom:Fine, fine. I'll stop with the food puns. I guess you could say I'm going cold turkey.

Jerry:Oh no, oh no, oh no! My family! I have to call my family!

Ben:Jerry, it's just a drill.

Jerry:A drill?! Well why didn't you say so! Phew!

Ron:It's just a drill.

Ron:I have to admit, I do enjoy the fake chaos.

Leslie:According to Pawnee's emergency preparedness report, a light drizzle is comparable to a Mad Max-level societal collapse.

Jerry:Help! Someone help me! Margaret! Margaret!

Tom:Should we do something?

Ben:I mean, he seems to be handling it.

Jerry:I'm having a heart attack! Margaret!

Tom:He's definitely panicking.

Ben:Yeah, but is it our problem?

Andy:I'm not worried about the personality evaluation. I'm very confident in my personality.

Andy:People are always telling me, 'You have such a great personality.'

Andy:So for assault, I picture a giant salt shaker. A-salt. Get it?

Andy:Now hundreds of salt shakers are committing arson in his mental image.

April:You're going to do great on that test. And if you don't pass, I have a backup plan. I've already contacted three women from your high school and I'm working on a fourth. If you fail the police exam, you can move in with one of them, start a new family, and leave all this behind.

Andy:April, what are you talking about?

April:I'm being supportive. That's what you wanted, right?

April:She made it by mutilating roadkill

Andy:April, this is the sweetest, creepiest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you.

Leonard:I had to leave my mother's deathbed to be here.

Leslie:Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Leonard:Don't be. She was a real bitch.

Leslie:Oh.

Leonard:Alright everyone, gather around. I'm about to say something very important.

Leonard:Wait, my stopwatch... hold on.

Leonard:Okay, starting over. Alright everyone, gather around. I'm about to say something very important.

Leslie:Okay, if this is a nightmare, I should be able to fly.

Leslie:I'm gonna jump off this desk and fly.

Leslie:Nope. Still on the ground. This is real.

Leonard:We've been hit by avian flu.

Leslie:Jackpot! Do you know how easy avian flu is to handle? It's just birds. We don't even like birds. They're basically dinosaurs that never evolved.

Leslie:It's not an emergency protocol, it's a disaster preparedness initiative. And it's called 'The Lesslie Knope Guide to Knope-ing with Disaster.' Get it? Knope? Like my last name? Because I'm hoping we can knope our way through any crisis.

Leslie:I've been working on that pun for three years.

Donna:Hello, I'm Dr. Donna Meagle, MD, PhD, DDS, and several other letters.

Donna:I've been practicing emergency medicine for over forty years, and I've saved thousands of lives.

Donna:I'm also a world-renowned surgeon, an acclaimed chef, and I speak seventeen languages fluently.

Ron:That was the most inspiring delegation I've ever heard. I'm going to go start a small business based solely on that speech.

Ron:I would never cry on television.

Ben:Yeah, well, I have. Multiple times. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened.

Tom:I'm appealing to your refined Parisian sensibilities.

Chef:I'm from Orlando. I only care about French competition cooking shows.

Tom:I'm sorry, I'm sorry, pardon, pardon!

Chef:Get out!

Tom:Pardon! Je suis désolé! I apologize!

Chef:OUT!

Tom:Au revoir, chef! C'est la vie!

Tom:Bon appétit! Je m'en vais!

Brett:Wait, so you're saying you want me to pretend to kill birds? Like, what does that even mean?

Leslie:You know, just act it out. Pretend you're hunting them.

Brett:Okay, so I could use a gun? Or maybe set traps? What about poison? I could poison them. Or use my bare hands and strangle them one by one. I could build a giant bird cage and slowly starve them. I could—

Leslie:Okay, okay! Just... just pretend to shoo them away or something.

Leslie:Okay everyone, this is a drill. We're pretending to kill the birds.

Brett:Pretending?

Leslie:Yes, Brett. It's a drill.

Brett:Oh, because I've been actually killing them.

Leslie:Wait, wait, wait. Let's not talk about this anymore.

Brett:Okay, so we're doing this. I'll get the shotgun.

Leslie:We're doing well with low casualties.

Leonard:Actually, Chris Pratt is now infected.

Chris:Wait, I've been exposed to a deadly virus and I'm not panicking? This is huge! Do you know what this means? I'm finally emotionally stable!

Chris:I wasn't on the bus. I was cycling behind it the whole time.

Leslie:You were... cycling behind the bus?

Chris:It's called drafting. It's very efficient. The bus breaks the wind resistance, and I just follow along at a safe distance.

Ben:Chris, that might be the weirdest thing you've ever done, and you once ate a whole rotisserie chicken in the park at 6 AM.

Chris:That was different. That was about protein optimization.

Leslie:I should have had you killed.

Brett:I can do that. I'll get to it right after I feed the birds.

Joan:I'm not feeling well.

Joan:I just got back from a week-long booze cruise.

Joan:It's not a hangover, it's allergies.

Leslie:Joan, you just got back from a week-long booze cruise.

Joan:Yes, and I have allergies. Two unrelated things.

Joan:The show must go on!

Joan:Actually, the show is over. Everyone go home.

Caller:Joan, I have a serious relationship question.

Joan:Of course, what is it?

Caller:Do you think Zayn and Harry are still together, or is Zarry over?

Ben:Leslie, we have a problem. The caterer double-booked us, the band cancelled, and Jerry somehow got locked in the storage closet during setup.

Leslie:Jerry? Again? How is that even possible?

Ben:I don't know, but that's not even the worst part. We've been looking for him for hours. We declared a fake emergency to search the building.

Leslie:And?

Ben:And Jerry is still missing.

Examiner:Your name is Andy, correct?

Andy:Well, it depends on how you define 'is.' I mean, technically my birth certificate says Andrew, but everyone calls me Andy. So is Andy really my name, or is Andrew my name and Andy is just what people call me? And honestly, some days I don't even feel like an Andy. Some days I feel more like a... I don't know, a Derek?

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. You don't want to let the kid hold the gun? That's like, the whole point of being a cop. That's police work right there.

Andy:Wait, I can't pull over my dad for speeding.

Andy:My dad's dead.

Andy:Also, what's the difference between a baseball glove and a baseball mitt?

Ron:She's a woman.

Caller:Will Joan be okay?

Ron:Oh, she'll be fine. I never get hangovers.

Ron:The key is before you go to bed, you have to drink a glass of warm milk, do 50 push-ups, and think about Indians.

Chris:In the event of my death, I want my remains to be cremated, and my ashes scattered in a place of natural beauty. However, if I am to die from a bizarre accident involving a drill, I accept that my final moments will be marked by a sudden onset of vertigo, followed by acute abdominal trauma, profuse hemorrhaging, loss of consciousness, and ultimately, catastrophic organ failure.

Ron:My interests are woodworking, fishing, hunting, carpentry, and the study of government.

Leslie Knope:Wait a minute... the timing of this intensive drill is awfully convenient.

Leonard Huggins:Yeah, about that... Jamm orchestrated the whole thing.

Leslie Knope:We've been jammed.

Leslie:Okay, I have a new strategy. We're going to dig ourselves out of this hole by digging an even bigger hole.

Ben:That doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:That's what they said about the Internet, Ben. And look at us now.

Leslie:Wait, you're telling me we still have flu vaccine supplies left?

Leslie:Destroy them. All of them. We need this crisis to be as bad as possible.

Leslie:Orders to all units: we need you to perform CPR on any diseased birds you encounter in the park. This is a public health emergency.

Leslie:Okay, okay, I've got it. What if we had a torricane?

Ben:A what?

Leslie:A tornado and a hurricane had a baby. It's a torricane. It has the unpredictability of a tornado with the destructive power of a hurricane.

April:That's not a thing.

Leslie:Not yet it isn't.

Caller:How do I repair dog damage to my furniture?

Ron Swanson:There are several options. You can use wood filler for small scratches, or refinish the entire piece. Alternatively, you could get rid of the dog.

Caller:I love my dog though.

Ron Swanson:Then I suggest a more permanent solution: eliminate all small dogs.

Ron Swanson:Banks? They're just fancy legalized theft operations run by people in suits who are too cowardly to actually rob you themselves. At least a common criminal has the decency to be honest about what he's doing.

Ron:Look, I don't care about your business complications. Capitalism is simple: I give you money, you give me a thing. That's it. No committees, no forms, no women.

Ron:I've only seen two movies in my life. Saving Private Ryan and Apocalypse Now. Both of them are masterpieces.

Ron:The third movie I saw was a children's comedy. And I genuinely enjoyed it.

Leonard:Everyone in town is dead.

Jamm:That's not true! I have no loved ones to lose!

Jamm:Well, if you're a ghost, then you can't hear the living world, right? So anything I say right now doesn't count as harassment!

Jamm:Treat yo' self!

Jerry:I drove all the way to Shelbyville before I realized it was a false alarm!

Donna:Jerry, you drove to another city?

Jerry:Well, nobody told me it was fake! If you're going to have an emergency evacuation, maybe use the phone tree or send an email or something!

Tom:I solved the food problem. I went to all the competitors and I asked them if they wanted to sell me their food at a discount. They said yes. Boom. Genius.

Tom:I solved the catering problem by negotiating with three different vendors, playing them against each other, and leveraging my relationships to get a 40% discount. Some people call it business savvy. I call it the Tom Haverford special.

Ron:I helped perform emergency surgery this morning. Then I went to the dentist.

Leslie:Jerry, I just want to say thank you for cleaning up and wearing formal attire tonight. You look very handsome.

Jerry:Well, thank you Leslie. Though I have to admit, after the day I've had, I'm not entirely sure this tuxedo is appropriate anymore.

Leslie:What do you mean? You look perfect.

Jerry:I spent the last four hours running through the woods, fell into a creek, and got chased by what I'm pretty sure was a bear. So technically, this tuxedo is now a wetsuit.

Police Chief:Andy aced the academic portion but failed the personality test completely.

Andy:Okay, so when you fail, you gotta just shake it off. Like this.

Andy:You do a little spin, you take a deep breath, and then you just... move on to the next thing.

Andy:It's what we do in the Police Academy. Well, actually, we do a lot of things with guns.

Chris:Leonard, can I ask you something personal?

Leonard:No.

Leonard:Ron, how often do you and Tammy have relations?

Ron:That's... that's not something I'm going to discuss with you, Leonard.

Leslie:We need to set a date. When do you want to get married?

Ben:I don't know, maybe next spring? We could do something really nice, plan it out properly.

Leslie:Next spring? Ben, I want to marry you now!

Ben:Leslie, we can't just get married at the gala tonight.

Leslie:Why not?

Ben:Because... okay, you know what? Let's do it. Let's get married tonight.

Leslie:Really?

Ben:Really. I don't want to wait another day.