Emergency Response

If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons in one word, it would be: Dynamite. 'Dynamite' stands for daring, youth-friendly, natural, amazing, merry, inviting, tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly.

Thank you, Bill. No, please, everyone be seated. Let the record show there was a standing ovation.

History will decide.

We make money. They make money. They make burgers. We eat burgers. That's a win-win-win-win.

Love-- love fades away. But things... Things are forever.

That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Ooh! A citrus reamer! Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. You're gonna need two of these.

Yeah, and people could donate, or they could bid to put their names on everything in the park, like benches, cobblestones, trees, ants, air.

Right, some of that is possible.

I'm omelet. Get it? 'I'm on it,' 'I'm omelet'?

I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now.

Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie. Go. Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible.

Oh, my God. Gayle. My girls!

Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.

Should someone stop Jerry? Gayle! Eh, he'll figure it out eventually.

First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 'But he's got a great personality.'

Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.

Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.

I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.

Baby, you are so creepy. Thank you. I love it.

I am Leslie Knope. I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient.

Good, because the best day for a drill is when it's inconvenient for everyone. My mother is getting a colonoscopy today. I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope.

Went past the zero. I got to wait till it goes... Okay, now.

Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. Nope, can't fly away. This is real life.

Uh, correction. That's 'Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol.'

No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. Fair point. I did cry last time.

I'm from Orlando. And I don't care about the Paunch Burger. If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry.

Hey! Well, you know what? What? What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon! Pardon!

Right. So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time.

A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

That is impossible. I do not ride the bus. I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak.

Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago.

Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. Who's the sexiest couple in history? R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber--

I don't know how to answer that. A simple 'yes' or 'no.' Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? Wait. Yes.

Well, first, I would be like, 'Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?'

She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies. Wouldn't know-- never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep. That works? It does.

Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests-- Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.

After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.

I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu. I'm dead.

Oh, really? Specifically asked that the drill to be done today and said I should give you everything I got.

It is with a heavy heart that I say, 'We have been jammed.' God, that guy is the worst!

Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director to flush them down the toilet.

Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR.

Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... A tornado quake!

Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.

I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded.

Everyone in Pawnee is dead. Including Councilman Jamm. What? No, no, you can't do that. It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about. Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about.

I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed!

I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.

He got 100% on his written test-- first guy in history to do it-- but he failed his personality examination.

Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing.

♪ Park, we will build it, the park ♪ it's not built yet, the park ♪ soon there will be a park ♪

Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? I'm impotent. Yeah, I don't need to know that.

Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? I'm impotent.