Leslie And Ben

Leslie:Ben, I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Ben:I love you too. Leslie, will you marry me?

Leslie:Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Ben:Great. I'm thinking next Saturday.

Leslie:Next Saturday? Ben, that's six days away.

Ben:I know. Is that too soon?

Leslie:No, it's perfect. I'll call the venue tomorrow.

Leslie:We don't have a venue, we don't have a cake, we don't have rings, we don't have flowers, we don't have a dress, we don't have officiants—

Ben:My parents aren't coming.

Leslie:What?

Ben:I'm just saying, there's a silver lining to all this.

Leslie:We've already ordered the white-chocolate top hats for the groomsmen, hired a string quartet that only plays songs in B-flat, and booked a calligrapher to hand-write all 847 place cards.

Ben:Wait, white-chocolate top hats? Those are going to melt.

Leslie:That's the point, Ben. They're *supposed* to melt. It's a metaphor for the fleeting nature of our wedding day.

Ben:Or we could just... not have hats made of food?

Ben:We could do July 57th.

Leslie:I need to know you're 100% committed to this. No backing out, no matter what.

Ben:Leslie, I was the one who suggested it in the first place.

Ben:Of course I'm committed.

Leslie:Wait, we can't see each other before the wedding! That's bad luck!

Ben:Leslie, we live together.

Leslie:I know, but it's bad luck!

Ben:You literally just saw me getting out of the shower.

Ben:Leslie, I've been thinking... maybe you should change your last name to Wyatt.

Leslie:What? Ben, no. I'm Leslie Knope. I've built my entire career as Leslie Knope.

Ben:I know, I know. But think about it — you could be Leslie Wyatt. You could give up your job, your accomplishments, your identity as we know it, and just become Mrs. Ben Wyatt.

Leslie:That's insane.

Ben:Is it though?

Ben:Leslie, I need you to change your last name to Wyatt. I'm serious.

Leslie:What? Ben, no. I'm not changing my name.

Ben:I'm just kidding. I was testing you.

Leslie:Go! Run! Get out of here!

Ben:Where am I running to?

Leslie:RUN!

Leslie:Okay, from this moment forward, we go dark. We are now Operation Wedding Bells.

Ann:Leslie, it's just wedding planning.

Leslie:Negative. You are now Agent Bridesmaid. I am Agent Groom Protector. We communicate only in code.

Ann:This is ridiculous.

Leslie:The flowers have arrived. I repeat, the flowers have arrived. Initiating Phase Two.

Leslie:I want to look like a cross between Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, and Golda Meir. Like, Thatcher's hair, Reagan's tan, and Meir's pantsuit.

Ann:Leslie prepared me for this moment. She said, 'Ann, you're going to be amazing. You're smart, you're beautiful, you're going to change the world.' It was so sweet.

Ann:Then she grabbed my shoulders and said, 'But if you mess this up, I will actually lose my mind. Like, certifiably insane. They will have to medicate me.'

Andy:I have a guy at City Hall.

April:You work at City Hall.

Ron:I would be honored. I've walked three women down the aisle before. They all left me, but I have no doubt that Ben will stay with you.

Tom:I'm gonna be like Steve Harvey and Ryan Seacrest combined. I'll call myself Stevacrest.

Store clerk:The jewelry section is over there. Fair warning though - we just got a shipment of actual nails mixed in with the costume jewelry, so watch out for those.

Store clerk:These rings look really nice.

April:Those are Andy's former nipple rings.

Andy:I'm becoming a cop tomorrow, so tonight I'm gonna commit as many crimes as possible.

April:That's not how that works.

Andy:Once I'm a cop, I can't break the law anymore. So I gotta get it all out of my system tonight.

April:I'm going to take all the marriage licenses.

April:I'm not being selfish. I just want to prevent other people from getting married.

Leslie:We need this dress finished by tomorrow morning.

Seamstress:Tomorrow morning? That's impossible. I need at least a week.

Leslie:A week? I need it by 6 AM. I have a breakfast meeting at 6:15.

Leslie:Ann, I need a dress for the gala and I have nothing to wear.

Ann:A fairy godmother could appear and transform rags into a beautiful gown.

Leslie:Ann, that's not helpful. I need an actual solution.

April:I can forge the signature. I do it all the time.

Andy:What? Really?

April:Yeah, it's not that hard. I've forged my parents' signatures since I was twelve.

Leslie:Ben, you take the permits. Ann, venue coordination. Tom, catering. Jerry, you're on... wait, what can Jerry do? Just stand there. Stand there, Jerry. Jerry stand.

Leslie:And stop talking in complete sentences everyone. No time. We abbreviate. 'The thing' instead of 'the thing that we discussed.' 'Donna did the stuff' instead of 'Donna completed the tasks assigned to her.' Pronouns optional. Articles eliminated. Verbs becoming suggestions.

Leslie:I'm not even sure words need to be real anymore. 'Ron spreadsheet the budget-ify.' Everyone understand? No? Good. Less time explaining, more time doing.

Ron:You just said 'touch base' and 'boil the ocean' in the same sentence. I'm not sure what you're trying to do, but I want no part of it.

Donna:We got Li'l Sebastian!

Jerry:*looks shocked, then visibly pees himself*

Tom:Did you just pee yourself?

Jerry:A little bit.

Donna:Jerry, you pee yourself like once a week.

Tom:I've been on this website for twenty minutes and I still don't have my ordination certificate. What is this, communist Russia?

Tom:I was really looking forward to officiating your wedding. I had this whole thing planned out. I was gonna do a bit where I come down the aisle on a zip line.

Tom:Then I'm gonna do a backflip off the altar. Then I'm gonna pull out a flaming saxophone and just shred for like twenty minutes.

Tom:And then at the end, I'm gonna say 'By the power vested in me by the state of Indiana and also by Nicki Minaj, I now pronounce you husband and wife.'

Tom:I'm going to have Hitch playing at my wedding ceremony. It's high art.

Ben:Okay, so we have code words for the wedding. If I say 'waffles,' that means we need to talk about the venue.

Andy:Waffles! I love waffles!

Ben:No, Andy, it's a code word.

Andy:Right, right. So if you say 'waffles,' you want waffles.

Ben:No, waffles means venue.

Andy:A waffle venue? That's actually genius!

Leslie:Leslie asks Ann to have 'sewn a new dress from scratch' or 'several dresses, cause I would love some options'

Leslie Knope:Oh my God, is that...? Li'l Sebastian!

Ben Wyatt:Wait, that can't be. Li'l Sebastian passed away.

Horse handler:Actually, I'm a certified Li'l Sebastian impersonator. I have my professional licensing and everything.

Ron Swanson:Professional licensing? For impersonating a horse?

Horse handler:It's a very specific skill set.

Leslie Knope:I... I can't believe this.

Leslie:Oh my god, is that... is that Li'l Sebastian?

Leslie:This is a sign. This is the universe telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Leslie:Li'l Sebastian has spoken.

Ann:I'm going to channel my inner Tim Gunn. Make it work!

Andy:We need to wake up the city clerk. It's an emergency.

April:We've been knocking for ten minutes.

Leslie:What? What time is it?

Andy:It's 9 PM.

Leslie:9 PM?! That's the middle of the night!

Tom:Tom's speech line: 'When I heard Ben was getting married, I was like, to Leslie or to Game of Thrones?'

April:You know what? You have really nice hands. Like, really nice hands for holding someone's face while you kiss them.

April:And I bet you're great at knowing exactly when to text someone back. Not too eager, not too aloof.

April:Your shoulders probably look really good in a t-shirt. The kind of t-shirt that says 'I'm casual but also I care about my appearance.'

Ben:Is this... is this cubic zirconia?

Ann:It's a family heirloom.

Ben:Right, but it's fake, though.

Ron:We could melt down Ann's light fixture.

Leslie · Jamm:Leslie tells Jamm she's getting married in a half-hour 'to the most perfect man in the world' and ends with 'Knope rules, Jamm sucks'

Jeremy Jamm:Listen up! These so-called 'parks' are just wastelands for the lazy!

Jeremy Jamm:And another thing - they call it a 'park' but it's really a 'paaark'!

Jeremy Jamm:The government wants you thinking 'paaark' so you don't realize it's just dirt!

Jeremy Jamm:You know what? This wedding is a joke, just like your department. But speaking of jokes, have you considered switching to Jamm & Associates for your legal needs? We offer competitive rates and a proven track record of success.

Leslie:How does it look?

Ann:It's... it's very you. I mean, it's not very flattering, but it's very you.

Chris:Ben, when I first came to Pawnee, I thought it was the worst place on Earth. But then I met you, and Leslie, and everyone in this department. And I realized that Pawnee isn't a place—it's the people. You're my best friend, and I'm so grateful for this unexpected journey we've been on together.

Leslie:Oh my God, this dress is absolutely Ann.

Leslie:Wait, I can't see Ann before the meeting. That's bad luck!

Ann:Leslie, that's not a real thing.

Leslie:Oh, you don't know that. What if I see Tom? That's double bad luck. What if I see Jerry? That's triple bad luck. What if I see all three of you at once? I think the building explodes.

Ann:The building doesn't explode.

Leslie:You don't know that!

Jeremy Jamm:Boo! Boo! Boooo!

Jeremy Jamm:You know what? I have Amazon Prime. Two-day shipping, baby!

April:Well, you're a dentist. Isn't that a little ironic?

Leslie:Ron, you have to be at my wedding. First, you're my best friend. Second, I need someone to give me away who won't cry, and third... Ken Burns rejected you as a documentary filmmaker.

Andy:He's a psychopath mastermind. He's like an armless murderer.

Chief Jim Dunn:How would he murder anyone if he has no arms?

Jeremy Jamm:You know what? I've been in this cell for three hours, and I've already figured out the bathroom situation. There are TWO toilets on this block. TWO. Do you know how many bathrooms I have at home? Seventeen. SEVENTEEN. That's how you measure success in this world.

Leslie:You know what I love about government buildings? The fluorescent lighting. It's so romantic.

Ben:Leslie, that's not romantic at all.

Leslie:And the beige walls? The filing cabinets? The faint smell of old paper and broken dreams? It's beautiful.

Tom:The ceremony is a disaster! I've got seventeen groomsmen, a string quartet playing remixes, and the aisle is lined with rose petals I had specially imported from—

Jerry:Tom, just speak from the heart. That's all that matters.

Tom:Wait, that's... actually good advice.

Jerry:I know. Surprising, right?

Andy:Andy's first question to the police chief: 'Is it a dog?' (about his new partner)

Ben:I've traveled to 47 different countries for work. I thought I was just doing my job, being a public servant, going where I was needed. But now I realize... I was unconsciously searching for Leslie the whole time.

Leslie:I've written my vows. They're about 247 pages long.

Ben:247 pages?

Leslie:I have a lot of feelings about you, Ben. And I needed to express all of them. Alphabetically, chronologically, and by theme.

Ben:Leslie, the ceremony is only three hours long.

Leslie:I know. I've also written a 92-page appendix in case I miss anything.

Leslie:Ben, you are my soulmate, my best friend, and the love of my life. And I like you.

Andy:You know what they say... when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you melons, you make... melonade? Is that a thing?

Andy:No, wait, I got it. When one door closes, another door opens. Unless you're trapped in a room with no doors, then you have to gnaw through the drywall with your teeth until your gums bleed and you pass out from blood loss.

Chris:Andy, you need to understand something. Life is about making choices. Real choices. Every single day you wake up, you're deciding who you want to be.

Ben:He's been doing this for twenty minutes.

Andy:We'll remember Li'l Sebastian, always in our hearts. You brought us joy and laughter. And now you're gone... you're gone forever. We'll miss you, little buddy. Rest in peace.

Andy:I see you in a meadow, running free. But then... then your legs fall off and turn into wings. Beautiful, majestic wings. And you fly away, but something's not right. Something's deeply, deeply wrong.

Ron:I just took apart the light fixture in my office, melted down the brass, and cast it into rings. It's not that hard. Any idiot can do it.

Jerry:Jerry: 'Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie?'

Leslie:Leslie reveals her vows were 70 pages long — written 'the day after we got engaged' — but she doesn't have them; suggests checking her office

Leslie:'I love you and I like you.' — Leslie's vow punchline

Jerry · Ben · Leslie:Jerry: 'You may now kiss the--' then the couple immediately kisses before he finishes, cutting him off: 'Well, oops, okay.'

Ron · April:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Then to April: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / 'Thank you.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Chris: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / Ron: 'Thank you.'

Tom · April:Tom's post-ceremony lament: 'Just this once, I thought I nailed something.' April: 'You worked hard and you got really close.' Tom: 'Close only counts in horse grenades.'

Tom:Tom's full explanation of 'horse grenades': 'if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit.'

April:April's talking head: 'Chris can be very... Paternal.' — delivered with her signature reluctant admiration

Leslie:Leslie's final talking head: 'When you're in love, everything seems like a sign.' / 'I love my husband. I love my job. And I love my friends. Even though they really can't handle their booze.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head closer: 'I love my husband. I love my job. And I love my friends. Even though they really can't handle their booze.'

Ben · Leslie:The visual gag of drunk/celebrating friends visible in the background as Leslie and Ben try to sneak away: 'Hey, we should just go, right? Careful.'

Ron:Ron's talking head about making the wedding rings by forging metal in a cast-iron waffle maker with an acetylene torch and antifreeze — 'Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same.' / 'People who buy things are suckers.'