Correspondents Lunch

Leslie:This is the exact spot where Abraham Lincoln stayed the night before he gave the Gettysburg Address. Can you imagine? We're standing exactly where Lincoln stood.

Ben:Actually, I'm pretty sure he gave the address in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, and this is Ohio.

Leslie:Ben, I can't believe we're finally here at the National Archives! This is the most romantic honeymoon destination ever!

Ben:Leslie, I love your enthusiasm, but we've been standing outside for twenty minutes. We can't actually go in.

Leslie:What? Why not?

Ben:It's closed for renovation. For the next three months.

Leslie:Oh.

Leslie:We found this amazing Hawaiian fertility tea at this little shop downtown, and it was so affordable, and the guy said if we bought in bulk he'd give us an even better deal, and he said he could deliver it right to our house, and—wait.

Leslie:Oh my God. We bought drugs from a drug dealer.

Leslie:I got you this statue of an angry god because it reminds me of you.

Ron:It's attractive.

Leslie:Jerry, you got the exact same gifts last year. A luggage tag, a travel pillow, and a book about Paris.

Jerry:I know! Isn't it great? Now I have two of each!

Leslie:That's not... Jerry, that means you got the same gift twice.

Jerry:Exactly! What are the odds?

Tom:I got a photo with my personal hero!

Leslie:That's amazing! Who is it?

Tom:Derek Jeter!

Leslie:Wait, that's Derek Jeter from the reboot of 'Cops,' right?

Tom:Yeah! He plays Officer Johnson. The show's only on basic cable but it's incredible.

Leslie:So April asked us to throw something into a volcano, and we did it. No questions asked. That's what friends do.

April:I appreciate that.

Leslie:We still don't know what it was.

April:And you never will.

Andy:I haven't showered in three days. I'm not trying to be gross, I just haven't had time.

Leslie:Andy, we're on our honeymoon.

Andy:I know, and it's great. But I've been having so much fun, I just haven't gotten around to it. Plus, I read somewhere that if you don't shower for a while, your body adjusts and you don't smell as bad.

Leslie:The Pawnee Sun is not just a newspaper, it's a institution. A pillar of our community. Sure, it has some typos, and yes, sometimes the ink comes off on your hands, and okay, the sports section is just box scores with no analysis, but it's OURS. We should be proud of it!

Leslie:I'm going to describe something that sounds absolutely horrific, but then say 'It's all in good fun' and everyone will laugh because the contrast is so absurd.

Ron:I have a joke for the roast.

Leslie:Oh, Ron, you don't have to—

Ron:A government official walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'What'll it be?' The official says, 'I'll have a drink that was processed with zero bureaucratic overhead and delivered on time.' The bartender looks confused and says, 'That's impossible.' The official replies, 'I know. That's the joke.'

Leslie:Ron... that's not really a joke.

Ron:It's hilarious. Efficient government. Inherently funny.

Chris:Hey Ann, you're looking fit today! Have you been working out?

Ann:Oh, thanks Chris. Actually, I have to run to a meeting.

Chris:That's the spirit! A morning jog before work? That's exactly the kind of optimized cardio routine I've been recommending to everyone at the office. You're inspiring me right now.

Ron:I apologize for entering. The door was open.

Ron:I wish it hadn't been.

Ann:I need a greeting card that says 'I'm sorry I ruined your life, but not in a permanent way, and also I made a decent lasagna.'

Ann:Ron, I need to ask you something. How do I ask a friend to... help me make a baby?

Ron:Just ask them directly.

Ann:Okay, so I've been thinking about asking Ben to be my... sperm donor.

Ron:That's not a euphemism, Ann.

Ron:You need to till the soil, break it up real good. Work it with your hands until it's soft and moist.

Ron:Then you just... push your seed in, real deep, and really get it in there.

Ron:Once you've got your seed planted, you gotta water it every single day and make sure it gets plenty of attention.

Ron:You need to stop trying to have a baby by yourself. It's not going to work.

Ann:I know that now.

Ben:This is beautiful. Who's the artist?

Jessica:My late husband painted it.

Ben:Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jessica:Don't be. He was a terrible painter.

Ben:The best part about working for a non-profit is knowing that your work directly helps the community. Sure, we had to clear-cut an old-growth forest to build our new office furniture, but that's a small price to pay for the greater good.

Ben:So the rumors about Sweetums chocolate... are they true? Like, the whole thing about rat parts?

Jessica:Yeah, pretty much. I mean, not like whole rats or anything, but yeah, there's definitely rat in there. It's mostly rat.

Ben:Wait, so there were rat parts in the food?

Jessica:Yeah, but only a little bit. The health inspector said it was within acceptable levels.

The implication that she literally has a tail that she grooms

Host:His defensive disclaimer delivered as if it's a punchline

Leslie:I have this great joke about a can opener. So this guy walks into a bar with a can opener...

Leslie:And he sits down and orders a drink, and the bartender says, 'Hey, why do you have that can opener?' And he says, 'Well, I use it to open cans!'

Leslie:So anyway, the punchline is— *pulls out an actual can opener from her bag* —I made this prop!

Leslie:This speech is so powerful, it should come with a warning label.

Leslie:Actually, it does. I put one on there myself.

Chris:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my ex-girlfriend. We dated for three years. It ended amicably. She's a wonderful person. We just wanted different things.

Chris:Anyway, one time at Applebee's, the waiter brought her a plate of mozzarella sticks instead of her quesadilla, and she just... ate them. Didn't say anything. Just ate the whole plate.

Ben:Wait, you came all the way here just to say no?

April:Yes. I wanted to see the look on your face when you realized I wasn't going to help you.

Ben:That's... that's really mean.

April:I know. It was great.

Andy:I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be? I've got plenty of energy, I'm sleeping great, food tastes amazing, I love going outside, I'm optimistic about the future, I laugh at jokes, I care about stuff, I shower regularly, and I have a strong will to live.

April:Andy's not depressed anymore. He's just... naturally like this.

Tom:You know what, I appreciate what you all are doing here, but I gotta bounce. I have my own charity work I need to get to.

Tom:Yeah, it's called 'feeding Tom Haverford,' and it's a very worthy cause.

Leslie:Wait. No. Is she... is she telling my jokes?

Leslie:That's my bit about the raccoons. That's MY bit!

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, she stole that one too. And that one.

Leslie:She's using everything. The thing about the Parks Department budget? The funny voice I do? All of it!

Leslie:Wait, what are you doing with that?

Ben:You started it.

Leslie:That's not fair! I was just trying to—

Ben:Shhh. Shhh.

Host:I'm so old, I remember when Parks and Recreation first aired.

Host:No, I'm serious. I'm literally that old. I was there. I watched it live.

Leslie:Jerry, you need to sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Jerry:Leslie, I'm 60 years old.

Leslie:And you're acting like you're six. Corner. Now.

Ann:Okay, here's one: Why did the old man wear green? Because he was old!

Ann:Get it? Old... green... together?

Leslie:No, no, no. I have a theory about beautiful people. Since they never have to develop a sense of humor, they never do. It's like how birds don't have a sense of smell.

Andy:Look, I learned clarinet in high school, and it changed my life. Music programs are essential for kids.

Andy:Without them, where are these kids gonna go? The sewers? We can't have children living in the sewers.

Tom:I think we should help the KKK.

Ben:What?

Tom:The Kids Kickball Klassic. By the way, does anyone have any candy?

Leslie:And this is my Perd Hapley impression: 'The thing about this thing is that this thing is a thing. And that thing? Also a thing.'

Ann:Chris and Shauna seem really close.

Ron:That's called being friends, Ann. It's a normal thing that happens between people.

Ann:Ron, I need to tell you the truth about my metaphor. When I said I was a 'bird with a broken wing,' I wasn't being poetic. I was literally talking about the time I hit a pigeon with my car.

Ron:You... you've been speaking about vehicular bird assault this entire time?

Ann:Yes.

Ron:Ann, I have spent the last three weeks consoling you about your metaphorical struggles. I wrote you a seventeen-page memo on resilience. I even cried, Ann. I cried.

Leslie Knope:I need new material. Let me try something edgy. You know who I can do? That guy from that one movie... what's his name... anyway, screw it, I give up on impressions!

Host:Leslie Knope is a tireless public servant who has dedicated her life to making Pawnee a better place. She is widely regarded as the most competent civil servant in the history of local government. Some say she's smarter than any Harvard graduate, and her organizational skills are unmatched. She has never made a mistake in her professional career. Leslie Knope: American hero.

Leslie:I did great out there!

Ben:Leslie, you died up there.

Leslie:No, I killed! The crowd loved me!

April:You were booed off stage.

Leslie:They were cheering! I'm a natural performer!

Ben:Tom, you need to stop using the blender at work.

Tom:Oh, I'm sorry, should I just blend myself into a smoothie instead?

April:Why would I donate to an ambulance charity? If I'm dying, I don't want to be saved. I want to stay dead.

Jessica:I'm leaving. And honestly, I don't care about the charity, the decision, any of it. I'm going home to watch TV, eat some nachos, maybe sleep for three days straight. Or don't sleep. Who cares? Not me.

Ann:Hey Chris, I've got a joke for you. What do you call a Chris who's really good at his job?

Ann:Chris-cellent!

Ann:Oh my god, I'm so funny.

Ann:So, um, Chris... do you have a spirit animal?

Chris:A spirit animal? Ann, that's a deeply personal and culturally significant concept. Mine is the Orca Whale — intelligent, powerful, graceful, and an apex predator.

Ann:Cool, cool. Great. Well, I'm gonna go... literally anywhere else.

Ann:Chris, I need to tell you something. I'm in love with you.

Perd:What we're witnessing here is a woman expressing romantic feelings toward a man. That's a declaration of love.

Leslie:Wait a minute. The Sun knows about the proposal? How would they know that? Nobody knows about that except... oh my God. Oh my God, no. I've been hacked. I've been hacked!

Leslie:I'm going to smash this phone!

Ben:Please don't. That's a county phone, and I'm going to have to fill out so much paperwork.

Ron:I don't appreciate my privacy being invaded. It's a violation of my rights as an American citizen.

Ron:Although, I will say, women do tend to steal my clothing. I suppose when you're as attractive as I am, it's just something you have to accept.

Ron Swanson:Email? A government bureaucrat's tool for creating paper trails and documentation. I don't use email.

Ron Swanson:If you need to contact me, write it down on a piece of paper, and someone will hand-deliver it to my office. That's how the founders intended communication to work.

Andy:Okay, so I was at the store, right? And I had this weird thing happen where my pants were too tight, so I couldn't breathe properly, and then I sharted a little bit.

Ben:Why are you telling me this?

Andy:Because it's interesting! And then I bought new pants, but they were also too tight, so I went back to the store and I sharted again!

Jerry:Leslie, you sent an email to the Associated Press that says 'I love you so much, you make my heart skip a beat.'

Leslie:What? No, that was supposed to go to Ben!

Jerry:Well, it went to the AP instead.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, no!

Jerry:Oh wow, here's one from Leslie... 'Dear Ben, I've been thinking about you in your ranger outfit. Meet me at the old ranger station at midnight. I'll be dressed as a sexy forest fire.'

Leslie:That's not embarrassing, that's just good roleplay.

Chris:Ann, you have great genetics. I mean, your parents did a great job.

Ann:Thank you?

Chris:No, I mean — you're very attractive. Your face is attractive.

Ann:Take all the time you need. I'm super casual about this. Like, I don't even care. I'm probably not even going to think about it at all.

Ann:Well, maybe I'll think about it a little. But only in a healthy way. Not like, obsessively checking my phone every thirty seconds to see if you texted.

Ann:Which I'm not doing, by the way. I'm just... living my life. Super normal. I actually have a lot going on. I've been reading about ovulation cycles and optimal fertility windows, just for fun, as a hobby.

Ann:Did you know that a woman's fertility peaks at thirty-five? Wait, no, thirty-two. Actually, I think I read it was twenty-eight. Anyway, I'm just casually learning things!

Ann:So yeah, no pressure at all. Take your time. A week, a month, whatever. Though my eggs are literally dying as we speak, so...

Ann:Ron, I just wanted to thank you for your advice. It really helped me.

Ron:I don't recall giving you any advice.

Ann:You don't? You told me to stop trying so hard and just be myself.

Ron:That's generic advice that applies to no one. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a woodworking project that requires my attention.

Leslie:I'm going to tell Kim that there's been a soil contamination issue at the proposed site. It's all fake, of course, but it'll buy us time to figure out what to do.

Leslie:By the way, has anyone seen Outbreak? Because that movie is basically a masterclass in how to handle a crisis. Very underrated Jeff Daniels performance.

Leslie:Anyway, the point is, if Kim thinks there's a contamination problem, she'll have to delay the development while we investigate. Which gives us the upper hand.

Kim:I'm not trapped. I've just been too busy with my active sex life to keep up with popular movies.

Leslie:Oh yeah? Well I've had way more sexual partners than you. I'm going to need you to write down all of yours so I can make sure I've beaten your number.

Leslie:Okay, so Neve Campbell, right? She was in Party of Five. 'I'm Neve Campbell and I'm in Party of Five.' See, because there's five of them. Five. Party. Of. Five.

Ben:I've made a decision about who should get the job. This person is hardworking, dedicated, and has shown real growth.

Tom:Oh wow, Ben's finally announcing it.

April:It's obviously Andy.

Andy:Wait, who are you guys talking about?

Ben:Andy, it's you.

Andy:Me? I thought you were talking about someone else!

Kim · Leslie:I've also learned that the EPA found midi-chlorians in the soil. How serious is that, exactly? It's very serious, Kim.

Leslie:I really thought you guys would gasp there.

Kim Terlando:Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie. It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband. But that is neither here nor there.

Kim:Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie. It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband. But that is neither here nor there.

Kim · Leslie:Well... I have never seen Star Wars, because I was too busy hooking up with guys. Unlike you losers. Uh, you wanna compare numbers, Terlando? Get to steppin'.

Leslie:I would just like to point out that Kim Terlando stole all of my jokes for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch, and they were great jokes. So I spent the whole night writing new ones. Lucky for you, let's get... started.

Leslie:You know who else is excited to be here? Neve Campbell. What a great party... of five.

Andy · Ben:That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Andy:Uh-oh. What's happening? [Andy begins to cry with happiness]