Bampb Nyc

Ilana:Not his bio father, his daddi with an 'I'.

Abbi:Ilana, I'm not doing another séance. It's like, weird and kinda Christian.

Ilana:I'm gonna sublet my apartment on BnBNYC, so I can make some money 'cause I don't have a jerb right now.

Abbi:Oh, my God! I forgot that Melody was my actual roommate.

Abbi · Ilana:I need to re-sole my loafers. / I have a cavus foot. / High arches. / Ballerinas have it.

Ilana:'Queen artisan's nook in tolerable Gowanus. Cockroach-free, except for in the bathroom and the kitchen,' in smaller font.

Ilana:'Shabby chic meets Brooklyn funk.' Um, I have to say that 'cause of the smell.

Abbi:'Treat yourself to a night in picturesque Astoria. Stop by the beer garden, or stay in and enjoy tasteful interiors and a stunning view of a white... castle.'

Ilana · Abbi:I'm gonna post this for $700 a night. / Dude, that is almost a month's rent. / No one's gonna do that. / It's New York, babe. Get used to it, babe. Hashtag, tenement life!

Ilana:Oh, my lady God, thank you.

Ilana:Oh, of course you love camping, 'cause you probably went camping with your father down the Main Line River and roasted crackers over a fire you built.

Ilana:Ilana doing a full stoner-festival-bum impression: 'Oh, can I bum some gas money, man? I'm just getting right up at hacky sack, man, I'm good, man. Jeepers creepers, man. I need that gas money, m...'

Ilana:WiFi network is Halal House, password is 'PitaGuest' one word. But the signal is barely there, so you gotta get right up on the window.

Ilana · French subletter:And as my ad stated, this rental is all-inclusive, so please enjoy some dank ganj. My treat. / Mmm... Colorado.

Ilana:Ilana cutting to herself looking mortified/apologetic — 'I'm really sorry' — to a different guest, implying the apartment horrified them.

Ilana · French subletter:'This is the bedroom. You probably would call it a boudoir.' / 'Très sympa, très très très chouette.'

Abbi:This is a map I drew of Astoria, the 'hood. The knife and fork mean it's an affordable restaurant, and this is a machete. This is where someone machete'd another person in half, so I would just avoid that spot.

Abbi:Oh, okay, so this is a disposable camera. I took half the photos already and I was thinking maybe you could take the other half, and then I would get them developed and then, I could send them to you.

French subletter · Abbi:Perhaps you will come in Paris one day and we'll do it both ways. / I love both ways. Like, any way, I would do it, whatever way. I mean, with the camera. With the camera. A thing that I established.

French subletter · Abbi:The French subletter picks lint off Abbi's top while she freezes, then: 'How you say? Do you say leent? / It's lint.'

Abbi · Ilana:It's like we're really camping. Even the wind feels real, right? / The wind's real. / It just feels like we're not in 'the shitty.'

Ilana · Abbi:The first time I ever saw any sex stuff was at my friend Amina Eltreebee's birthday party. / Did she... do it right in front of you? / No. We watched 'Fear.' Mark Wahlberg, Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster, he's like... / He's fingering her. / Fingering her.

Ilana:And then we all thought we had to pee, but I think everyone was just really horny.

Abbi · Ilana:I guess I... / Still confuse that now? / Yeah!

Abbi · Ilana:Wake up in the middle of the night, her stepdad is watching us sleep in his undies. / Stop it. / Eating lasagna.

Abbi · Ilana:'I just pretended to be asleep until he was finished.' / 'What do you mean, until he was finished?' / 'Oh, finished the lasagna. But still, it was creepy, you know?'

Ilana:The suburbs, there's like some 'American Beauty' shit going on every corner.

Abbi · Ilana:The tent collapses on them on the roof.

Abbi · Ilana:Dude, that guy on the gurney is shaking. / On the flipside, he's on a gurney. He's not in a body bag. / That's so true.

Ilana:In that case, I should definitely come over 'cause I am a greasy third wheel. Pop a finger in there.

Ilana:No, don't... Don't be sorry. This is healthy.

Lincoln:I'll be right out. From slowly peeing. Definitely not pooping.

Ilana:Eliot is in Jersey, 'cause Attica's actually got a huge Purina audition.

Abbi · Ilana:Turn on the old noggin. Come on, give me something good, girl. / Here we go! Think, think, think, think, think, think, think...

Ilana:What if we go to that bar where we got mono?

Ilana · Abbi:Watch the sunrise and get a romantic breakfast at the diner. / Not the bad diner, though. / Hate the bad diner. / It is close to everything, though. Should we just go to that one?

Ilana:♪ I'm nuts for nuts! ♪

Abbi:These taste pretty good, but they smell amazing. Like, I would wear it as a scent.

Abbi:Dude, my hot French subletter is texting me asking my birthday. Maybe he wants to send me flowers, or, like, find out my zodiac sign to see if we're compatible. Euros are so into numerology. Madonna got really into it when she moved to London.

Abbi · Ilana:Christina! Yes, you picked up! Uh, yeah, it's at the 40/40 Club, all right? Yeah, go up to the bouncer, say you're there for the Hernandez party, okay? Free bottles. Hernandez! / I'm gonna get you back, girl! / Opportunity, batch! Free bottles? We gotta take advantage of this.

Abbi · Ilana:The overheard phone call — Abbi overhearing someone's conversation and immediately deciding they can crash the 40/40 Club VIP party.

Ilana:Good evening, good sir. We are with the Hernandez party.

Ilana:God, we are making money while we're clubbing.

Ilana · random clubgoer:In da klerb, we all fam. / What? / In da klerb. We all fam. / I don't... / In the club, we are all family. / Are you racist? / N-no. / It's 2016.

Ilana:Mami Lani wanna climb da beanstalk.

Ilana · Abbi:Ab, look... My security. / Gingers have souls! / No, I know they do, dude.

Ilana · Abbi:That is Blake Griffin! He plays for the N... B... / A! / A? Oh, my God, no way!

Ilana:I bet he'd be a stamp in my sexual passport, 'cause you know, I've never been with someone over 6'5".

Ilana · Blake Griffin:What if I make this a threesome? / I mean... One second. / You know, I really pictured it just us first, experimenting, but to have a dick around, I'm down. I don't think it takes away anything from our friendship.

Ilana · Abbi:Hold up. You have a hot piece already in your apartment who's obviously obsessed with you? / We have been texting, like, texts that could be sexts. / Also, he touched my nipple.

Ilana · Abbi:You should go home and satisfy your bon appétit! / You know what? I am gonna go, 'cause I haven't had sex in a while, and also, this place is, like... / Really making me horny. / This plan rules.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana, also, don't forget to stretch! / You got it.

police radio · Ilana:Metro Units, 34th and Steinway. Unidentified black male pretending to read book on park bench, probably armed. Let's roll! / Bye?

Blake Griffin:As an athlete, I just think it's really important to do, like, some dynamic stretching before any kind of physical activity.

Ilana · Blake Griffin:What if we dynamically... um... take our clothes off? / Yes, I'm down. / Awesome. / I'm so down. / Okay, go.

Ilana · Blake Griffin:Oh, my God! That is unreal. You are joking. Is... something wrong? / Oh, my God, no! The opposite of it. / It's so much. So much good. / I mean... / But it's not gonna, um, work? / I won't be able to... receive you.

Blake Griffin · Ilana:But what if we get... creative? / Like, what do you have in mind? / I don't know. But we are gonna find out.

Bevers · Abbi:Sorry, Ab, the next bus out of Atlantic City isn't 'til morning. I could FaceTime with you and watch you sleep if that'll help. / All right, bye. / What... What are we doing? What's this relationship?

Trey · Abbi:Clear! / Seriously, you're all clear. / Thanks, Trey. / No problem. I've always wanted to do that. You know, 'clear'? / Right.

Abbi · Trey:You don't give your key to a stranger just 'cause he's really cute, you know? / That's a dumb idea. / Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's cool.

Trey:'Hangover III,' honestly, the best one. / 'Babe.' Oscar nom. / And my personal favorite, 'Ratatouille.'

Abbi · Trey:Oh, that'd be cool, but, like, he took my TV and my DVD player. / I anticipated that, so... / My mom got me this portable DVD player for Christmas so I could watch movies on the subway.

Trey · Abbi:Man, I wish there was a basketball league for women so I could play. / Well, there is. / It's the... WNBA. / Yeah. / The WNBA. / I mean, they are so good. / I literally steal moves from them all the time.

Trey:If Remy had a real restaurant, I would totally go there for my cheat meals. Don't care that he's a rat. Don't give a shit. He is so... special.

Trey · Abbi:I would say my favorite painter is probably, um... Pablo Picasso. / Picasso, baby. / Uh, yeah, he's, like, pretty classic. / Want to see my impression of a Picasso painting? / Yes, I would love to. / [contorts body into Cubist shape] / Trey, that is really funny. / It kinda hurts.

Abbi · Trey:I was gonna show you a video on my laptop. / And then that guy stole it today. / Stole that, too... / Hey, you know what they say? You're not a real New Yorker until you've been robbed. / I've been a New Yorker three times, so.

Ilana:Bazinga.

Ilana:I am so sorry that my phone was on 'do not disturb.' I love that function.

Ilana · Abbi:My mom always said that French people hate Jews. I'm pretty sure it's unrelated, though, right? / Right, he probably didn't know that you were... / Perfect nose.

Abbi · Ilana:Dude, ew! / Ohhhh! Ew! / What the fuck? / What the fuck? / A fucking condom! / Ab, this is it! This could be the key to the whole crime! This could unlock the whole thing, it's only six to... / Six-and-a-half hours old. / Fresh on his tail.

Abbi · Ilana:You didn't see him. He was dangerous. / Really? / Yeah, we gotta just, like, throw that condom away and act like we never saw it and never bring it up again. / You sure? / I am positive, dude! / You didn't see this guy! He had pecs... Like, they were bigger than my boobs!

Abbi:To be that horny and move so efficiently is something that, you know, even though I hate him, I admire.

Ilana · Abbi:So, sex! Sex with Blake Griffin, dude, you didn't even talk about it. / It wasn't full peena-vageena. / Penis in vagina. / That sucks. Is it... Was it okay? / It was awesome. We did stuff that I never even thought of before. All I gotta say, it was nothing but net. / Oh! / And by nothing but net, I mean he fingered me 'til I came.

Ilana · Abbi:Lincoln loved it, even. He thought it was so hot. / You told Lincoln? / Was he jealous? / I think he was okay with it.

Ilana:This is Blake Griffin's shoe. Now I use it as a murse. A male purse. We're Eskimo brothers.

Ilana:I'm so happy to be home. I have frosting in every one of my crevices.

Ilana:What's up, bitch? [Ilana pops out from inside the apartment she was supposedly subletting]