Philadelphia

Abbi's Dad:Abbi's dad says 'If I were just 30 years younger' about Wayne, PA

Abbi's Dad · Abbi:Dad: 'Then we'd be best friends and hang out all the time. Get your head outta the gutter.'

Ilana · Abbi's Dad:Ilana squished in the back seat complaining, then learning it's a timeshare car owned by Dad, Larry G., Duckbutter, and Bobby G.

Ilana:Ilana says 'I am rock hard that I'm gonna see your childhood bedroom, Ab. It is so important for a relationship to see a boyfriend's roots' — then immediately corrects 'boyfriend' to 'friend'

Abbi · Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Dad converting Abbi's bedroom into an infrared sauna; Ilana calls it 'So GOOP'

Ilana · Abbi · Abbi's Dad:Ilana suggests a V-steam; Dad doesn't know what it is; Ilana clarifies: 'Um, vagina.' Abbi: 'Love talking about vaginas with my dad.'

Abbi's Dad:Dad reassures them about an unspecified noise

Abbi's Dad:Dad recounts that Abbi was stung by bees 300 times and 'made the paper'

Abbi's Dad:Abbi was found in the neighbors' Winnebago cooler when they were moving

Abbi's Dad · Abbi:Dad told Abbi about the divorce by the trash because she played in the trash so much — hoping she'd associate trash with divorce and stop playing in it. 'It didn't work.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana enters Abbi's room: 'Oh, such an only child's room.' Abbi: 'There's two TVs.' 'It was just so I could stay on top of news stories.' 'Yeah, news about what was happening with Ross and Rachel.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's the Holocaust Museum of Abbi Abrams!' then immediately backpedals: 'I just... my family only went to Holocaust Museums as a kid.'

Ilana:Ilana breaks into the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song in response to being near Philadelphia

Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Abbi's dad pulls out his old jam band gear and starts rattling off band names: 'Phish, RatDog, Dark Star, Disco Biscuits, String Cheese Incident' — Ilana responds 'Dirt Star, man. The white slave rebellion, man.'

Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Dad tosses a bag of his old dreadlocks at Ilana; she screams

Ilana:The dreadlocks smell 'so much more than the pictures' and specifically 'like pepperoni'

Abbi's Dad:'Dirt Star, man. The white slave rebellion, man. I'll meet you at the contact lens! I'll see you at the sister's freely.'

Ilana:Ilana discovers a first-edition JonBenét Ramsey commemorative Beanie Baby and immediately panics/celebrates: 'This is more rare than the Princess Diana. I ran for this. My heart stopped.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You have to be aware of the fluctuations in the Beanie Baby market. I say it all the time.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Look at me, I'm fully engorged.' Abbi: 'Ilana, come on.' Ilana: 'I'm not sexually aroused, I'm fiscally aroused.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'The Beanie boards are gonna light up tonight, baby!'

Ilana:Ilana talks to the JonBenét Beanie Baby: 'You're a star.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi reveals she raised $900 for Alice Ackerman's accident fund from a dance-a-thon — then: 'Amazing that I fucking never gave her the money.'

Abbi · Ilana:Alice's accident was on a Saturday — Ilana: 'Shabbat.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You know, it totally makes perfect sense, typical Abbi.' as if not giving a friend accident money is a pattern

Ilana:Ilana: 'I heard mushrooms can affect your memory and your sex drive, right?' then immediately: 'Where am I? I'm just kidding.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'She's probably horribly disfigured. Maybe it's about time there's an elephant woman.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'You know, you don't need to wear a helmet.' Ilana: 'I am a very good driver.' Abbi: 'It is insane that you drive a car with no doors.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'You are such a goy for driving this car, it is unbelievable. I want a DNA test.'

Bowling Alley Guard:Bowling alley sign: 'No shoes, no entrance.' Guard: 'Yes, you, the Jews.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Dude, I don't carry cash.' (with obvious air quotes) — then immediately suggests using the Alice fund money for bowling shoes

Abbi · Ilana:The Alice fund logic: 'We're using her money to get her the money.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Okay that makes total sense.' — 'Total sense.' — 'So we have to.' — 'Have to, must.'

Ilana:Ilana's shoe size is 4-4.5

Ilana:Ilana checks eBay and discovers it's the 20th anniversary of JonBenét's death, causing the Beanie Baby price to spike

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis:Abbi runs into Karl 'Shyffilis' Shiff — her fault for the nickname, from Colonial Williamsburg syphilis education

Karl/Shyffilis · Abbi:Karl/Shyffilis: 'I didn't even care at all, because it was you.' Abbi: 'What?' — the reveal that he had a huge crush on her

Ilana:Ilana on the phone doing serious Beanie Baby negotiation: 'You should be honored. I'm wasting my time with a yellow star user? I'm a turquoise power seller, bitch.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Yeah, I know what happened five years ago in Miami. You think I'm a fucking idiot? You think I'm MrBubbles9560?'

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis:Abbi and Karl makeout in the bowling alley locker room; Abbi: 'I've always fantasized about making out in a locker room, but no one ever tells you about the feet smell.'

Abbi · Shoe Rental Attendant:Abbi asks where the Ackermans are; learns they sold the bowling alley because Alice needed cash after her accident — the bowling alley Abbi just spent the fund money at

Ilana:Ilana speaks Mandarin to the shoe guy, explains it as 'Yiddish Mandarin I picked up from my mom'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's car battery is dead

Ilana:Ilana approaches teenagers: 'Hey, what up, my peers?' and negotiates a ride by offering to buy them liquor

Abbi:Abbi: '$200 for the liquor' — delivered as a matter-of-fact announcement to the teens

Teen Driver · Ilana:Teen: 'Will Smith's dad used to make him build a brick wall every summer from scratch just because.' Ilana: 'That's hot.'

Ilana:A dog steals the JonBenét Beanie Baby and runs; Ilana screams 'Hey! Our equity!'

Ilana:Ilana offers to split the money with the dog: 'Come on, we'll split the money!'

Abbi · Ilana:They recover the Beanie Baby using Abbi's dad's dreadlocks as bait because they 'stunk like meat'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Later, bitch' to JonBenét after recovering the Beanie Baby from the dog

Alice · Abbi:Alice answers the door — she's a stunning model. 'I didn't recognize you without the dreads. You look great without dreads.'

Alice:Alice explains the accident elongated her height by three inches via surgical pins and she couldn't keep the weight on — 'So I started modeling.'

Alice:Alice's bus accident made her taller and thinner, leading to a modeling career

Alice · Abbi:Alice says she heard about the dance-a-thon while in a coma and never got to thank Abbi — 'You're a good person.' Abbi is about to confess she never gave the money.

Alice · Abbi:Alice checks the envelope: '$946' raised, only $300 in the envelope. Abbi explains the deductions: 'We just needed the money for bowling shoes and bottles of liquor for teens.'

Alice:Alice: 'You're not on Facebook.' — as evidence that Abbi didn't even try to find her

Ilana · Alice:Ilana tries to defend Abbi by offering the JonBenét Beanie Baby as compensation: 'This extremely valuable first edition commemorative JonBenét Ramsey Beanie Baby.' Alice: 'That's a Beanie Baby of a dead girl. That's disgusting.'

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis · Alice:Abbi says 'I came here to look you in the eye and to atone. I am a good person.' — while Karl/Shyffilis emerges from upstairs having been there the whole time

Karl/Shyffilis · Abbi · Alice:Karl: 'She made out with me a little bit at the bowling alley.' Abbi: 'No, no.' Alice: 'You did?' Karl: 'It's not her fault.' Abbi: 'I didn't make out with you, you made out with me!'

Alice · Karl/Shyffilis:Alice to Karl: 'This is your fucking luck? Get your fucking ass upstairs. It's the second strike today.' Karl: 'I know.' Alice: 'Today?'

Ilana:Ilana, as they're being thrown out: 'That Beanie Baby was worth over $13,000 depending on the strength of the yen.'

Abbi's Dad:Dad: 'Abbi, I love when you're home. Whoa, how's work, training Shania Twain?'

Abbi's Dad:Dad reveals he Googled Alice Ackerman after they left: 'She bought her house from Will Smith's mom!'