The Surplus

Michael:Can you explain this budget in simpler terms? I'm a very busy man.

Accountant:Sir, it's already in the simplest terms possible.

Michael:Well, can you dumb it down even more? Use smaller words.

Michael:Yeah, the X-axix is very important.

Oscar:It's X-axis.

Michael:That's what I said, X-axix.

Michael:Okay, okay, I need it simpler than that. Like... like a five-year-old.

Dwight:Michael, you ARE five years old.

Michael:No, no, no. Simpler. Like... picture words. Just... point at things.

Oscar:So next summer, when you're 47...

Michael:I'll be 48.

Oscar:No, you'll be 47.

Michael:I'm 47 now.

Pam:We need a new copier.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Can you explain that in simpler terms?

Michael:Actually, no. Never mind.

Oscar:We need a good copier. It's basic logic.

Michael:Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Not everything is about logic. Sometimes it's about what feels right. And what feels right is that you're just being difficult with your principled stands.

Pam:Well, if I'm making more copies than anyone, that means the chairs must be terrible. I'm probably wearing them out from sitting down so much while I'm copying.

Pam:So really, Oscar, you're saying I have the hardest job here because I'm supporting these chairs more than anyone else.

Michael:You know what the real silent killer is? Toby.

Jim:I'm switching from chairs to copier team.

Pam:Why?

Jim:The reason is awkwardness about our relationship dynamic in the workplace.

Jim:I think we should get the new printer.

Pam:Actually, I think the old one works fine.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. That took guts. Real guts. You stood up to Pam. Do you know what that makes you? A hero. A profile in courage. I'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life.

Jim:It's just a printer, Michael.

Michael:No. No, it's not just a printer. It's about standing up for what you believe in. Even when everyone's against you. That's what heroes do.

Michael:Okay, so we have two ideas here. Now, I'm going to take both of these ideas, I'm going to digest them, and then tomorrow morning, I'm going to crap out a decision.

Andy:Okay, so... 'Head north on Route 6 until you see a big red barn. Turn left at the scarecrow. Follow the dirt road for approximately 3 miles until you reach a mailbox shaped like a duck. Turn right. Schrute Farms is the next driveway on the left.'

Dwight:That's perfect directions.

Andy:A scarecrow? A duck mailbox? Dwight, this is a treasure map.

Dwight:It's not a treasure map, it's directions to my farm.

Andy:All it's missing is 'X marks the spot.'

Andy:The directions get even more primitive - using sound cues from farm animals. A cow says 'moo' means turn left, a pig says 'oink' means turn right...

Angela:There's only one bathroom for the entire office. This is completely unacceptable.

Dwight:Angela, in medieval times, entire villages shared a single outhouse. We should be grateful. I propose we implement a rotating bathroom schedule based on productivity metrics. Those who meet their sales quotas get priority. The rest can use the parking lot like peasants.

Dwight:We could dig a trench. It's actually quite efficient.

Andy:A trench? Dwight, no. I'm not having my grandmother squat over a hole in the ground like she's in some third-world country.

Dwight:It's practical.

Andy:My grandmother is 87 years old. She has osteoporosis. The mental image of her trying to balance over a trench is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Andy:A trench bathroom? Are you serious?

Dwight:It's not a trench bathroom, it's a luxury outdoor lavatory. I've positioned tree stumps as seats for optimal comfort.

Andy:Tree stumps?

Dwight:Naturally occurring, rustic, and they build character. You're welcome.

Andy:I need this venue. Our wedding is in three weeks. Erin's parents are coming. I've already told them we're getting married at the Mansard in Scranton, which doesn't exist. I made it up.

Andy:I lied to my future in-laws. And if we don't get married there, Erin will find out I'm a liar, which will ruin our marriage before it even starts.

Andy:Also, Erin hasn't been sleeping well, and I'm not helping. You know, in the bedroom. I'm just not—I'm not great at it.

Pam:Jim, sweetly asking you to reconsider the copier decision

Jim:dramatically escalates her gentle request to a threat

Jim:Are you threatening me?

Pam:I love you. But if you ever do that again, I will kill you.

Angela:What's that smell?

Dwight:Which one?

Angela:This manure smell is absolutely disgusting. I can't believe they're spreading it right outside the office.

Dwight:Actually, Angela, you should be thanking that manure. It's the only thing masking the smell of the nearby pig farm.

Angela:Do we have to slaughter on the wedding day?

Dwight:Of course. You want the freshest possible meat. I have a guy who can do it in the morning, we'll have it butchered and ready by noon.

Pam:Oh, so you guys are going to lunch without me? Fine. Fine! I don't care. Have fun.

Pam:You know what? This means war. I'm serious. War has been declared.

Pam:I'm going to make it my personal mission to exclude each and every one of you from something you care about.

Pam:Jim, I'm taking the good scissors. Oscar, I'm eating your yogurt. Michael, I'm... I'm going to tell corporate about your coat.

Pam:I've been through three engagements, but this chair? This chair has been with me the whole time. And it's falling apart. I think my chair deserves better than me.

Michael:Your art is the prettiest art of all the art.

Pam:Thanks, Michael.

Angela:That's a nice tie, Michael.

Michael:Thank you! You know, I got this at a clearance sale. Seventy percent off.

Angela:Really?

Michael:Yeah, I'm very good at finding deals. I have a sixth sense for bargains.

Michael:This tie cost me four dollars. Four dollars! You know where I got it? Men's Wearhouse. Well, actually, I got it at a discount because I also shop in the children's section. Yeah, I'm not ashamed. Kids' clothes fit me perfectly, and they're a fraction of the price. Plus, the patterns are fun. Look at this little dinosaur on my shirt.

Michael:Look at these pants. I got them on sale in the boys' department.

Michael:Angela, come here. Check out the fit on these.

Angela:Michael, what are you doing?

Michael:Just look at the rear end. The craftsmanship is incredible for the price.

Angela:A chair is a personal item. You sit in it every day. It molds to your body. A copier is a shared office machine. Everyone uses it.

Angela:So it's perfectly reasonable for me to have a high-end ergonomic chair, but completely inappropriate for someone to take home a ream of paper.

Dwight:I have cow butter, goat butter, and sheep butter sculptures.

Angela:I'll take the goat butter, but only if it's from a goat that was fed exclusively on hay that grew in soil that had never touched a cow.

Angela:I want a cow butter sculpture of a cat.

Dwight:That's a bad idea. Butter melts. You'd end up with a puddle of cat.

Jim:See? It works. Suck it.

Michael:Look at these pants. Got them at a 60% discount. You can see the stitching is impeccable. And the fit? The fit is incredible. The way they hug my rear end... it's like they were made for this butt. I mean, feel this fabric. Go ahead, feel it. Right there on my backside. It's so soft. And the way it accentuates my cheeks... I'm telling you, these pants are almost too good. I can barely walk around the office without people staring at my behind. Which, honestly, I don't blame them. These pants make my ass look phenomenal.

Dwight:He's a German minister. He doesn't speak English.

Michael:Hank, thank God you're here. We have a crisis. A real crisis.

Michael:The copier is broken. And my chair is broken. I can only sit in one place. I can only use one machine. What do I do?

Michael:How do I choose, Hank? How do I choose?

Michael:Hank, hi, it's Michael Scott from Dunder Mifflin. I need you to come to the office right away. It's an emergency.

Hank:I'll be right there.

Michael:Actually, never mind. False alarm.

Hank:I'm already here.

Michael:Oh. Well... thanks for coming in.

Hank:You're welcome.

Michael:So you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much—

Hank:I'm 60 years old. I know how babies are made.

Hank:This chair's got problems.

Hank:These chairs are terrible. Terrible chairs. The worst chairs I've ever seen. Terrible. Just absolutely terrible chairs.

Angela:Dwight, I need to tell you something. I've been seeing someone else.

Dwight:What? Who?

Angela:It's Andy.

Andy:Wait, what?

Angela:Wait, what? This was real?

Dwight:Of course it was real. I am a certified minister. I got ordained online in case of situations exactly like this.

Angela:You can't just... you can't just do that!

Dwight:I already did. You're married. To me. Congratulations.

Michael:I'm sorry, I'm on an important call. No, no, I'm here. Yes, I can hear you fine.

Michael:I just... I'm eating tiramisu. It's very dry. Very, very dry.

Michael:No, this isn't a personal call, this is work tiramisu.

Michael:So if we come in under budget, we get a 15% bonus?

David:That's right.

Michael:So it's like a tip? Like at a restaurant?

David:I... suppose, in a way.

Michael:Do you tip 15% at restaurants?

Michael:I could use this bonus to give the employees a raise, or... I could finally get that plasma screen TV I've always wanted.

Michael:You know what? Life is short. I'm getting the TV.

Michael:You know, people think I'm crazy when I talk about Burlington Coat Factory, but they don't understand the power. The power of a man who knows where to find a quality wool blend at 40% off. I am a god among men at Burlington Coat Factory. Store managers know my name. I have a personal shopper. Well, she doesn't know she's my personal shopper, but she sees me coming and she just starts pulling inventory.

Michael:These chairs are fine. They're Erkel-nomically sound.

Michael:You know what? You guys are so spoiled. Do you know what it's like to work in a real sweatshop? My cousin worked in one for like two weeks.

Michael:I'm not spoiled. I'm just... used to getting what I want. Like, remember when I wanted that tiramisu from the Italian place? I called ahead, made sure they saved me a slice. They didn't. Do you know what that felt like? It felt like betrayal.

Oscar:Wow, Michael. What a brilliant plan. Take the money that could help all of us and spend it on yourself. You're a true leader and a man of the people.

Jim:Okay, what's 6 times 9?

Michael:54.

Jim:Wow, okay. What about 6 times 7?

Michael:42.

Jim:Alright, what's the square root of 841?

Michael:Um... 29.

Jim:It's 29. Wow, you ARE good with numbers.

Andy:Hey Tuna, you're eating a tuna sandwich.

Andy:That's like me eating an Andy sandwich.

Jim:That would just be a person.

Michael:My decision-making strategy is all about using the right tacit.

Michael:Okay, here's what I learned this week. Number one: never buy a timeshare. Number two: if you do buy a timeshare, don't tell your accountant. And number three: generic brand hot dog water is not a beverage.

Michael:Okay, my third lesson learned: never underestimate the power of animal rights protesters. So I'm running this discount store, right? And we're selling these leather jackets. Well, next thing I know, there's like thirty people outside with signs, chanting, throwing fake blood on the windows. I'm thinking, 'This is great! Free advertising!' So I go out there and I'm like, 'Hey, you guys want to come in? We have a sale!' And one of them hits me with a sign. A sign! Made of recycled materials, but still a sign.

Jim:Hey, I was just kidding. I actually need five copies.

Pam:What? You just said three!

Jim:I know, but I realized I need five. Can you do that?