Kirk Steele

Trey (Kirk Steele):The cold open plays extended moaning and sex sounds over what turns out to be a porn video — the punchline is the man saying 'yeah, that's a nice beach ball' mid-moan, revealing this is scripted/absurd porn dialogue

Abbi:Abbi eats cold fries from the bathroom floor — 'Good, 'cause they're from last night. Someone left them on the floor in the bathroom.'

Abbi · Interviewer:Job interviewer says a 'fucking idiot' could put wristbands on people; Abbi responds 'Oh, I'm a... I'm a huge fucking idiot' as a sincere pitch for her own qualifications

Interviewer:'You're not wristband material' — the formal pomposity of the rejection for a task explicitly described as one a 'fucking idiot' could do

Abbi:Abbi threatens 'You're gonna rue the day' after being rejected for a wristband job

Abbi:'I'm just going to be digging out other people's pubes till I'm a great-grandmother'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana says 'Amber alert. Urgency.' as her phone sign-off, then hangs up without giving Abbi any of the details she needs

Oliver's Mom:Oliver's mom gives Abbi-level detailed instructions: 'no soy', then recommends Babbo, Nobu, or Momofuku as fallback options for a kid's lunch

Ilana:Ilana makes a phone call mid-conversation with her employer; when called out, she responds 'Did I?' with complete sincerity

Ilana:Ilana responds to instructions about Oliver's dietary restrictions and where to take him ('Babbo or Nobu or Momofuku') with 'YOLO, FOMO, tippy-tee'

Employer/Helen:Employer announces she's going to 'interview Desi Tutu and wax with Martha Plimpton' as her Saturday plans — delivered as completely normal

Ilana:Ilana calls the employer 'what a bad bitch' immediately after she leaves

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana greets Oliver: 'Last time I saw you, you were a toothless spud sitting in your own poop'

Ilana:Ilana's four R's of environmentalism: 'Reduce, re-use, recycle, Rihanna!'

Ilana · Barista:Barista's flat refusal: 'I'm sorry ma'am, we can't reuse cups. It's a health code violation.' — followed by Ilana's 'Come on. This is so gross.'

Ilana:Ilana on Oliver's future: 'If I didn't step in, he could go to Yale. And then Yale law and then kill a stripper and settle out of court.'

Ilana:Ilana's rationale: 'If I don't do something, he could turn into another useless rich old white man'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana watching porn in a coffee shop with a child present — Abbi's horrified 'Ilana, I'm not watching porn in here'

Ilana:Ilana's porn taxonomy: 'I don't watch anything but solo porn because regular porn is like, shut up little girl, wash my feet!' — her full description of mainstream porn's dialogue

Ilana:Ilana's extended parody of mainstream porn's 'barely legal' dialogue, including 'I love shaved pubes and tan, crispy bellies and tits'

Ilana:Ilana's porn search path: 'So I started with average-size penis jerk. That led me to twins squirting, hello. Which then brought me to frosted tips masturbation.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Whoa, I just usually Google "porn".' — as a confessional reaction to Ilana's elaborate search taxonomy

Ilana:Ilana's 'That's probably why I really, really don't like most of it' — followed by her suggesting Abbi should check her search history

Ilana · Abbi:Discovery reveal: 'Oh my god, Trey is in a porn! Kirk Steele? Hold on—' — the reveal that Abbi's boss is a porn star, followed by Abbi's panicked repetition

Abbi:Abbi: 'So before Trey was my boss, he was a porn star? So I'm taking orders from a porn star.'

Ilana:Ilana's advice: 'Use it, bitch.'

Trey:Trey adopts a brief British accent to announce the 'bloody fucking spill' then immediately drops it: 'But really, there's a bloody fucking spill in the spin studio'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi fakes illness to avoid cleaning: 'I gotta relax before I teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class' — she has no such class; Trey's confused 'What are you talking about right now?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi performs an extended, disgusting throat-clearing as part of her fake illness: 'Whoa, that is a lot of phlegm, isn't it?'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Abbi, that trick is for after hours, okay?' followed by Abbi's quietly devastating '...Kirk?'

Trey · Abbi:Trey's office is revealed to be a storage closet containing Abbi's personal items — he insists 'it's your office, all your stuff's in here'

Abbi:Abbi's defeated capitulation: 'Fine, it's my fucking office.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey offers to go down on Abbi in exchange for her silence: 'What do you want, money?' / 'No.' / 'I'll go down on you right now.' / 'No, what?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's actual ask: 'I want to teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class.' Trey: 'We can start there. That's Gemma's class.' Abbi: 'I don't care.'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Look, can't I just go down on you?' Abbi: 'No, stop it.' Trey: 'I think it would be in your best interest—' Abbi: 'Kirk.'

Abbi:Abbi attempts to demonstrate kettle bell form and immediately causes a disaster — 'I don't know what just happened with my body. It's like I literally have zero upper body strength.'

Abbi:Abbi attempts to demonstrate kettle bell form, immediately drops the weight and apparently smashes a $1400 mirror.

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'Please, Abbi, I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Ilana:Ilana on the subway: 'Shh, Oliver, we don't talk about Uber down here.'

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana's game: find the most disadvantaged person on the subway and give them your seat — Oliver correctly identifies it's himself

Abbi:Abbi's internal debate about raising $700: 'Sell mushroom chocolates! No, I can't do that. Can't get back in the game. Just got my record expunged.'

Abbi:Abbi on her art: 'It's brilliant, but no one understands it.'

Abbi:Abbi's reason for selling clothes: 'I get compliments.' — her full justification

Abbi · Oliver · Buyer:The Beacon's Closet scene — Oliver and Abbi bonding as the buyer makes unimpressed faces at clothes Abbi is clearly emotionally attached to

Abbi · Oliver:Abbi watching Oliver try to walk in her heels: 'But honestly, your legs look amazing. As well as my tukas?' — Oliver correcting her: 'It's tucchus, but I am loving it, brother.'

Buyer:Buyer: 'Oh, I saw a denim jacket like that on who wore it best? Leighton Meester wore it best.'

Abbi:Abbi's dead aunt's apothecary bag story: 'She was a flight attendant. She died in that plane crash. It was terrible over the midwest.' — gets $20 cash offer.

Abbi · Buyer:The buyer's 'apothecary bag' assessment: '$226' — Abbi having sold everything including the deceased aunt's bag for $20 total, then finds the bag worth $226

Abbi:Abbi sells her art at a street table — her description: 'Celebrity's favourite foods. Original pieces, people! Bitch's gotta buy a mirror here.'

Ilana · Abbi:Art negotiation: Ilana offers $2 for two $40 paintings — 'I meant $2.00.' — and Abbi says 'No way' then immediately says 'okay let's do it'

Man:Man on Ron Howard: 'Of course, shrimp cocktail's Ron Howard's favourite food. He probably has it three, four times a week, that fucking pussy.'

Abbi · Customer:The celebrity food art itself is revealed: Ron Howard's favourite food is shrimp cocktail; Bruce Springsteen's is a tomato because he's from Jersey

Customer · Abbi:Angry customer: 'Is it that unbelievable? Forty doll... I give $40, I'm gonna get a little more than artwork from you over there, sweet cheeks.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Why don't you fuck my fucking dick?' — aggressive non-sequitur response to the customer's pass

Ilana · Customer:Ilana: 'Hey, listen, I've been there, sweetie. I've been there.' Customer: 'To my dick?' Ilana: 'Yeah.'

Ilana:Ilana and Abbi's total: '$22 still.' — their running fundraising total is $22 after all that effort

Oliver:Oliver to Abbi's employer: 'We hung out with Abbi, Ilana's girlfriend, even though they can't be together right now. But they will be someday.'

Employer/Helen · Ilana:Employer: 'I had no idea you were gay.' Ilana: 'We all...' [trails off, doesn't complete the sentence]

Employer/Helen:Employer decides having a 'gayby-sitter' will be wonderful for Oliver's CV to get into middle school

Employer/Helen:Employer deliberates about giving clothes to homeless people vs. horses: 'The horses do get very cold in the winter, but on the other, the less fortunate probably get just as cold, maybe even more so.'

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana's complaint then immediate plan: 'Come on, dude, I thought we were cool. Now I gotta lug all this shit to some Jesus house?' — followed immediately by Oliver's scheme to resell at Beacon's Closet

Ilana:'The student has become the teacher.' — Ilana's reaction to Oliver's Beacon's Closet plan

Ilana · Oliver:Oliver whispering 'Yes, queen!' while Ilana mouths it silently — a child absorbing Ilana's vernacular

Oliver:Oliver asking 'Do the homeless like Prada?' — completely sincere

Abbi · Ilana · Beacon's Closet Employee:Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's Closet with designer clothes; the worker at first doesn't recognize them ('Remember me?') and the Pretty Woman reference begins

Abbi · Ilana:The Pretty Woman callback: Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's with better clothes — 'Remember me?' / 'Big mistake. Big. Huge.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Big mistake. Big. Huge.' [Pretty Woman reference]

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi celebrates '$13,000 in store credit' — Ilana immediately: 'Dude, I need the money.'

Abbi · Buyer:Abbi asks what her dead aunt's apothecary bag is now priced at in the store: '$226.' Beat. 'Wonderful.'

Abbi:Abbi's parting shot: 'By the way... I know that shirt's from Forever 21. You're not kidding anybody.'

Abbi · Trey:The mirror installation scene — Abbi and Trey wrestling with the mirror in the dark gym after hours

Abbi · Trey:Abbi and Trey installing the mirror after hours. Trey: 'Looks good.' Abbi: 'Yeah. They're not gonna know, right?' Trey: 'No one will ever notice.' [Cut to the clearly crooked mirror]

Trey · Abbi:Trey ambushes a nearly-asleep Abbi: 'Not so fast, muchacha. I need you right here.' — there's no pube situation, but she has to teach a class

Abbi:'This is a bazinga. I swear, I've lost all respect for you, Trey.' — Abbi uses 'bazinga' to call out a fake-out

Trey:Trey's flattery: 'Abbi, you're such a good cleaner. You're so special.' — as his sincere compliment to get her to clean

Trey · Ilana:Regina has been missing for 48 hours — Trey: 'Plus Regina who normally teaches the class has been missing for 48 hours.' Ilana: 'Love Regina, but that's awesome.'

Abbi · Class:Abbi's class speech: 'What's up, guys? Are you ready to rise to your potential?' — the class responds with enthusiastic 'Yeah! Let's do this!'

Abbi:The Kirk Steele workout class: Abbi channels Kirk Steele's porn persona, introducing herself as 'I'm Kirk Steele. I'm 18, I'm from Orlando, Florida and my favorite movie is Garden State. Are you ready to explore the infinite abyss?'

Abbi:Mid-workout, Abbi as Kirk Steele: 'When I grow up I either want to be a stunt choreographer or I want to work with kids with MS.'