Coat Check

Jaime:Jaime's closet metaphor: 'Kind of like me in high school. I had a lot of fun though.'

Ilana:Coat check flattery bit: 'I think I saw this coat on Who Wore It Best. Guess who wore it best? You.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffing a coat: 'Who cares?' / 'I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.'

Ilana:'I have fake boobs!' — Ilana discovering implants in a coat pocket/lining

Ilana:'Although, if somebody wants to get it, it's like, do your thing.'

Ilana:British accent bit: 'Silly Benny. Get me another serving of American Bald Eagle and then stomp on my balls with high heels, please. Thank you!'

Ilana:'I love how working moves my bowels.'

Ilana · Abbi:FaceTime from the bathroom exchange — Ilana asks Abbi to FaceTime her from the bathroom; Abbi says 'Yeah.' Then adds 'Just switch to wifi.' Ilana: 'Okay, I was kidding.'

Ilana:Ilana declares herself 'the Guardian of the Coats' and poses dramatically

Abbi:Abbi nervously says 'I'm also working the event tonight. Coat check. Working for the man, right?' to a stranger, then laughs weakly

Ilana:Ilana runs in screaming 'Prank! Yes!' after hiding in the coats to scare Abbi

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's correction — 'No, they're supposed to be on the hangers with the corresponding coat' — and Ilana's response: 'Thank you for always encouraging me to follow my heart. I love you.'

Waiter · Abbi:Waiter offering cheesecake to Abbi in the middle of the coat chaos: 'Ladies? Any cheesecake?'

Jaime:Jaime's cure for unrequited attraction: 'You take this tray of the mini cannolis. Through the power of the Italian dessert, she'll come to you.'

Abbi · two guests:Marc Jacobs peacoat dispute: 'Small or medium?' / Both women: 'Small.' / Abbi: 'It's medium.'

Guest:Guest: 'I wear a medium, it's not a big deal.'

Abbi:Chanel trick question: 'Who's got the Chanel jacket? Mine! That was a trick question. There is no Chanel. Do not play me, guys! Not today!'

Ilana · Adele:Ilana and Adele simultaneously say 'I was looking for you' / 'Me too!'

Ilana · Adele:Ilana sniffing Adele deeply right after they meet

Abbi:'Be cool. Be cool. Be yourself, but be cool.' — Abbi's internal monologue

Abbi:'Okay, I'm just getting Kelly Ripa's coat.' — Abbi, said to nobody

Abbi:Abbi finds the last coat and commits to finding Kelly Ripa's coat, including 'And by we, I mean me'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi compliments Kelly Ripa's handwriting: 'Your handwriting is really beautiful.' Kelly: 'It's like a seven-year-old.' Abbi: '...' Kelly: 'I've had a few.'

Abbi:Abbi's celebrity fan spiral to Kelly Ripa: 'Thank you for your talent and for your role modelness and just being like, for being, you know...' then THUD

Ilana:'Because you're such a bobo, I have the opportunity of a lifetime to find and return Kelly Ripa's coat to her home, dude.'

Ilana:'I had my first simultaneous orgasm last night and Adele and I only kissed.'

Ilana · Abbi:'(Gasping) Oh, my God... Empty lounge chairs! There's never empty lounge chairs!' — the sighting and immediate sprint

Abbi:Abbi: 'Not too soon, please.' — responding to 'Then I can die whenever'

Maureen:They ring a doorbell. The door opens to someone welcoming them with: 'Welcome.' (moaning suggestively) — and then: 'You're not here for the orgy?'

Maureen:'No, that's my ex's. He moved out last week. That's why I'm having an orgy.'

Maureen:'I just felt so restricted in this relationship, you know? We've been together how long? I still never saw his nipples. How does that happen?'

Maureen:Maureen hands them Civil War 'shit' to deliver to her ex: 'Forgot his Civil War (bleep)' — and there is clearly a lot of it

Maureen's Ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to return the coat because he's 'an enormous Kelly Ripa fan,' leading to a standoff over the coat.

Maureen's ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to give up Kelly Ripa's coat because he's an 'enormous Kelly Ripa fan' — and the standoff escalates

Abbi · Ilana · Maureen's ex:Abbi threatens to smash the Civil War pistol / Ilana pulls a gun and is told: 'The pistol doesn't shoot, honey. It's a 1782 Ketland flintlock. It's priceless 'cause my father gave it to me, but it will not shoot.'

Maureen's ex · Ilana:'Jesus, who are you guys?' / 'Your worst nightmare.'

Ilana:Ilana tells Maureen's ex that Maureen was 'full' — then admits she was hosting an orgy

Maureen's ex:'I like orgies.' — Maureen's ex, after processing the information

Abbi:'The only reason I met Lincoln is because you forgot you were with him one time.'

Abbi:Abbi meets Adele and discovers she looks exactly like her: 'Dude, uh, she looks exactly like you.'

Abbi:Abbi at Kelly Ripa's: 'No, it was the perfect amount of troubles.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi and Kelly Ripa both: 'Yeah, I practically live there.' about Bed Bath and Beyond coupons

Abbi:Abbi: 'I love a cappella.' — misunderstanding capoeira

Kelly Ripa:Kelly: 'We're a Shape-ups family.' — the Shape-ups revelation and the seductive music

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:'You a 28HH? / Yeah, you got it. / Weird. Me too.' — bra size exchange

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:Kelly's rent-controlled prank: 'It's rent controlled. I only pay 600 bucks a month.' / 'Really?' / 'Of course not! Prank! I love pranks!'

Kelly Ripa:Kelly produces moonshine as the 'special batch'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi sees her own arm tattoo and thinks it's Ripa's: 'Oh, my God. Do we have the same exact tattoo?' / 'No, that's your arm.' / 'Oh, right. Right, right, right.'

Kelly Ripa:Drunk Kelly Ripa's monologue about Michael Strahan wanting her side: 'Strahan keeps sending me all these gift baskets to butter me up because he wants to switch sides and everybody knows, first of all, that I sit camera left.'

Kelly Ripa:Kelly gestures dismissively off the window about camera right — then THUD — implying she's thrown something or gestured so dramatically she knocked something off or fell

Kelly Ripa:Kelly announces she needs to take a whiz and demands Strahan's basket be moved next to her 'little-ass motherfucker basket' when she returns

Kelly Ripa:Kelly instructs Abbi to move 'that big-ass mother[bleep] basket down next to my little-ass mother[bleep] basket' while she takes a whiz.

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Kelly's bedroom scene: lights off request — 'Oh, but I wanna see your cute little face.' / 'Cool.' — followed by awkward positioning

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:'What, uh, what, uh... / Oh, don't worry. It'll just give us trippier visuals. Buckle up, buttercup. You only live once, right?'

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:'What's wrong? Too much teeth?' / 'No, the biting was dope.'

Ilana · Adele:'Yeah, no shit. You knew?' / 'I'm not blind, I mean, isn't that why you approached me in the first place?'

Ilana · Adele:'Of course I'm drawn to myself. I masturbate in the mirror! Me too! That's what's so hot about it. It's like hooking up with yourself.'

Ilana:Ilana's sexual diversity CV: 'I have sex with people different from me. Different colors, different shapes, different sizes. People who are hotter, uglier. More smart, not more smart. Innies, outies. I don't know... a Catholic person.'

Ilana:'Listen. We should still stay in touch for organ donation or jury duty.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Kelly is offered a joint: 'Oh, no. I don't smoke pot.' Then immediately takes the biggest hit possible.

Kelly Ripa:'A lot of people think that because I'm on the Morning Show that I have to be like, America's good girl. And I'm just like, at this place in my life where I've accomplished a lot. I literally don't even give any fucks.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:'Seriously, you have to pull me harder 'cause I can't even get into a full pretzel like this.' / 'What do you mean? What is a pretzel? Why are we doing this?' / 'Stretch.'

Kelly Ripa:Elevator dings, Kelly laughs drunkenly, then: 'Abbi. You get first pick.' — revealing prostitutes have arrived

Abbi:Abbi's escape: 'I, like, haven't waxed my body in a long time, you know? So like, I gotta, I gotta be going.'

Kelly Ripa:Kelly: 'Abbi! I ordered Domino's for after!'

Abbi:'You know, maybe I should have fucked the prostitute. I mean, he was actually kind of hot in like, a scary way.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Listen, if a prostitute's what you want, I can make that happen.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah. That'd be insane. That'd be, like, so badass. I can make the call. They could get here in 25 minutes.'

Abbi · Ilana:'You were going with it!' / 'I just wanted to see what would happen!'

Ilana:'Kelly has really changed you.'

Abbi:'Do you know someone you could call to make the call?'