Broad City

Abbi:I packed my alarm! / No bra! Save time!

Ilana · Abbi:It's 10:44. / Okay, we got this.

Abbi · Ilana:They arrive at the bodega to discover it's literally gone — just a vacant lot or closed storefront

Ilana:We're gonna get one right now and forget that ever happened when we're taking painful bacon, egg, and cheese shits later, okay?

Ilana:I know it's 'wate,' but I really would like some 'bweakfast' food.

Ilana:This is this angel's final breakfast in New York City before she goes and rebuilds homes for Christian tsunami victims.

Ilana:You are gonna deny her this Make-A-Wish? For shame. Shame!

Ilana · Abbi:I'm just gonna leave some money for you fellas. / That was inappropriate.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, no, no. We're not doing this. [cab rejection visual gag]

Ilana · Abbi:What does Colorado have to offer that New York City doesn't? / Well, for one, recreational weed.

Ilana:Abbi, this is a Wa-Unchi toilet. Don't you see? We thought we were on some classic Abbi and Ilana New York City journey today. We thought it was for the bacon, egg, and cheese. When, in fact, this was our mission all along.

Ilana:It's an intelligent toilet with a UV light that breaks down the germs of fecal matter in the bowl. It has a heated seat and warm water that sprays in your ass after you take a dump just like a bidet. God, every time you are sprayed, you are reborn.

Ilana · Abbi:Come on. It's a $10,000 toilet. / Wow. / I need this.

Ilana:You won't regret it, mister! [shouted to no one as they begin carrying the toilet]

Ilana:Toilet discrimination.

Abbi · Ilana:Uber is surging 60 times the normal rate. / Woof, my rating is very low. / Probably from the pee incident. Again, sorry about that. / Totally fine.

Abbi · Ilana:We're gonna walk it across the bridge? / That's right. / Kids are suckers, man. 70 bucks for an old skateboard? Too easy.

Abbi:Ilana, I'm really proud of you, dude. I mean, obviously, for going back to school to become the most badass therapist New York City has ever seen, but also for the Phone Wigs! I mean, I really feel like you have something there. Like, that has legs, you know?

Ilana:I strongly, strongly believe in the joint gynecologist/waxing/laser hair removal thing. It's like a one-stop shop. Come on, that's genius.

Ilana · Abbi:I still also believe in the Dorito dust. I mean, I'm just eating the chip for the dust. / Exactly. / And it's like cut out the middleman and get me a vial straight of that dust for spicing or for swigging.

Abbi · Ilana:I just found out, dude, that Doritos are tortilla chips. / Wild. / I mean, no one talks about that.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's full apocalypse preparedness speech: banks hacked, hidden nooks, pee straws, zip-off pants, contact lenses, Lasik

Ilana · Abbi:Colorado is where I thought Montana was. / You're gonna be actually where I thought Oklahoma was. / That's cool. Mormons are dope.

Abbi · Ilana:Well, I think Utah is actually the Mormon area. / Oh, right, right, right. / Momo's still dope, though. / Yeah.

Abbi · Ilana:So, should we, uh... should we jump? / Yeah. / No, seriously, should we jump? / We can't. We have our big dinner date tonight. / You said the reservations were, like, really hard to get.

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers on the roof — sunburned nude everywhere, locked out, needs his kimono

Abbi · Bevers · Ilana:All right, Bevers, uh, you know, cover yourself up. I don't want to see your sunburned penis. / Open your eyes. / No. / It's kosher, dude. Open 'em up. / Surprise!

Ilana:Surprise! [Ilana reveals she's set up a rooftop farewell party instead of going home]

Trey · Abbi:Trey gives Abbi free weights as a going-away gift. / Thank you so much. I'll... I'll try to put it on my carry-on.

Trey:I've always said, Abbi and incremental free weights, match made in heaven.

Trey · Abbi:Abbi Gary Anna Abrams, will you marry me? / Um... oh, Trey. / Two carats. / No. Right? / Right, yeah, no. / Yeah, no.

Abbi · Trey:Um... oh, Trey. Two carats. No. Right? Right, yeah, no. Yeah, no. You know. You know what? It was a big swing.

Trey:Maria... Cut the video, okay? Delete it. She said no.

Trey:Okay, well, I should probably go 'cause you said no to my proposal, but promise me you'll eat for your blood type, okay?

Ilana:Thank you so much. All right, beefcake. You've had enough time to show off your rock-hard tits and your Adonis ass. It's time to leave and exit, dawg.

Trey · Ilana:And I took off work for this. / You did? That sucks. You know what else sucks? When your best friend moves away, and everybody's out for face time for her. Get out of here! But maybe we'll be friends. / I don't have any left.

Ilana:We're no longer dating, right? And, uh, we're gonna keep growing our real, yet platonic friendship. And that means honesty. So, um, I'm gonna be honest with you. You got to get the fuck out of here.

Ilana:I'm gonna be honest with you. You got to get the fuck out of here. / What? / Yeah, it's time to go.

Unknown guest / Jaime:You know, I know it's scary, you know, moving away. But it's good to remind ourselves that there's other places besides New York City. Beautiful places. And New Jersey.

Abbi · Ilana:So, Ilana, who are all these people? / They're people from your building. I just needed to fill the party out.

Abbi · Ilana:So, Ilana, who are all these people? They're people from your building. I just needed to fill the party out.

Party Guest · Ilana:Can't wait for brunch next weekend. Jersey City is pretty damn lit. / Mm-hmm. Yes, it is. / Go now, though.

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers's cheese storage gift — a labeled box so no one takes Abbi's cheese at her new place

Ilana:Ready? Disney. Go. / Euro-loving Aryan Nation pre-teen porn. Walt Disney was, like, um, jizzing, basically, for rich Euros and feudal lords, and Mickey Mouse was supposed to represent a dirty little Jew.

Ilana:Ohh, the Kennedys. / Obviously, first of all, sex addicts. Second of all, they killed Marilyn Monroe.

Abbi · Ilana:Wait, hold on. I thought Marilyn Monroe died of a drug overdose. / The government killed her because she knew too much. / Yeah, she knew about their bodies. She knew about their policies. / Like, where did you hear that? / I will double check, but, um... / It's widely known.

Abbi · Ilana:Well, these are gonna come in handy for when I'm lonely. / Okay, another one.

Abbi · Ilana:What's up? / The post office. / Oof. / Okay, so the way that the post office controls women is...

Ilana:Abbi? Abbi, Abbi, are you insane? You... you weren't gonna wake me up? Are you psychotic? You were gonna leave without saying goodbye?

Abbi · Ilana:I'm so proud of you. / I'm so proud of you, too, dude. / Really, you are, like... / You're the smartest person I know. / Really. / Yeah, are you kidding me? / I'm, like, the only person you know.

Ilana:Come on, you dumb broads! / I'm saying goodbye to my best friend, you fucking fuck. / This is a once-in-a-lifetime, emotional moment with my soul sister, you rank rat whore! / See if I tip you!

Ilana:No! / Jesus, come on! / Fuck! [Ilana scrambling after Abbi's departing vehicle]

Ilana:Wow. / Oh, my God. / Yes! / Freaking jackpot. / Ew. / Eww, dude! Insane. Walking it? Disgusting.

Abbi (on phone):Well, thank you for keeping me up to date on all of New York's most current events.

Abbi · Ilana:How have you been? / Well, since last night, I went to sleep, and then I woke up, and then I went to the coffee shop. / My coffee shop. / Cute, cute. / I also went to sleep and woke up, so we are on the same schedule.

Ilana · Unknown:Well, since last night, I went to sleep, and then I woke up, and then I went to the coffee shop. My coffee shop. I also went to sleep and woke up, so we are on the same schedule.

Ilana:Ew, you know what happened to me today? I bumped into this girl, and I was, like, 'Sorry.' And she was, like, 'You're fine.' Ew. 'You're fine'? Fuck her. Right? I'm, like, I know I'm fine, at least. Just say, 'It's okay.' I mean, that's not even part of my vocabulary.

Ilana · Abbi:Ew, you know what happened to me today? I bumped into this girl, and I was, like, 'Sorry.' And she was, like, 'You're fine.' / Ew. 'You're fine'? / Fuck her. / Right? / I'm, like, I know I'm fine, at least. / Just say, 'It's okay.' / I mean, that's not even part of my vocabulary.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm actually foiiine. / Oh, you foiiine, baby. / You, too.

Ilana · Abbi:Dude, I am so excited to fucking deejay this bat mitzvah tonight. Rich children, like, legit know how to party. / But honestly, like, what is deejaying? / I think it's just a playlist, right? / Yeah, but, like, with a table.

Ilana · Unknown:Dude, I am so excited to fucking deejay this bat mitzvah tonight. Rich children, like, legit know how to party. But honestly, like, what is deejaying? I think it's just a playlist, right? Yeah, but, like, with a table.

Stranger · Ilana:You dropped these. / Oh, my God. Thanks.

Abbi · Ilana:Wow. Did you just make change with a homeless guy? / First of all, it's a man without a home. Second, we gonna act like he ain't got no small bills?

Abbi · Ilana:The information inside your brain is just vast. / Vast and then also, there's nothing. / Yeah, but good nothing. / You're, like, just smart, you know what I mean? / Am I, though? / Yes, you're so smart. / Thank you. / I wouldn't say at, like, you know, reading and writing, but...