Survivor Man

Jim:So what did you guys do on the weekend?

Ryan:Oh, we all went to this cabin upstate. Team building thing.

Jim:How was it?

Ryan:It was good. We really got to know each other.

Jim:Yeah? What about Michael?

Ryan:Oh, we already knew everything about him.

Toby:The camping trip was really great. We made s'mores, told stories around the fire, and I have to say, I'm already looking forward to next year's trip.

Toby:Though I suppose after this year, there will be no more s'mores.

Employee:It was amazing! The stars were so bright, the air was so fresh, and we roasted marshmallows by the fire all night long.

Michael:Yeah, well, you know what? Camping is overrated. I've been camping. It's just bugs and dirt and sleeping on the ground like some kind of vagrant. And marshmallows? Please. They're basically just sugar and air. I could make those in my office if I wanted to.

Jim:Basically I let him think he's in charge. I'll suggest something, he'll reject it, then a couple hours later he'll come back with the exact same idea, like it just occurred to him. And he'll think he's a genius.

Michael:How much blood can you donate?

Jim:Well, you have a finite amount of blood in your body, so...

Michael:We're going camping this weekend, just us guys. It's gonna be like Brokeback Mountain, except, you know, without all the... the cowboys and the... the emotions.

Michael:We go out to this lake. It's real camping - no bathrooms, no electricity, just me and the guys in the woods.

Michael:We take the boat out into the middle of the lake, and nobody knows where we are.

Michael:I mean, what are they gonna do? Say no?

Michael:We have asbestos in the walls.

Jim:Yeah, we know.

Dwight:I've hidden weapons all over this office. There's a nunchuk in the ceiling panel above your desk, throwing stars in the break room microwave, and a crossbow in the supply closet.

Michael:Why would you hide weapons in the microwave?

Dwight:No one uses it. They're afraid of it.

Dwight:I am not a hero. I am a highly skilled martial artist and weapons expert. Last Tuesday, I stopped an active shooter at the Steamtown Mall using only a velcro wallet and my bare hands. The velcro made a sound that distracted him for exactly 3.2 seconds, which was all I needed.

Dwight:People say it's dangerous to keep weapons at work. Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Jim keeps a gun in his desk. I keep a nunchuck in mine. I have also taken the liberty of nailing half a wooden chair to the wall in case of an emergency. Four words: I'm. Prepared. For. Anything.

Michael:I'm either going to die or I'm going to survive.

Dwight:Those are the only two options.

Michael:Exactly. And Dwight, you have to choose which one.

Michael:I went out into the wilderness completely alone. Just me, nature, and my thoughts. It was the most private experience of my life.

Michael:I loved it so much that I immediately wanted to share it with someone.

Michael:So I called myself on my cell phone and told myself all about it.

Jim:No. No, I don't think Michael has any survival skills whatsoever.

Dwight:You couldn't escape me. I have a 47-acre beet farm. I know every inch of that land. I could hunt you for weeks.

Michael:Okay, okay, that's enough.

Dwight:I'd start by disabling your vehicle. Then I'd track you through the woods using a combination of bloodhound training and my own heightened senses. I'd separate you from any potential allies.

Michael:Dwight, stop.

Dwight:Then I'd begin psychological warfare. Leave you cryptic notes. Let you think you're safe, then strike when your guard is down. The kill would be swift, but the fear... the fear would last forever.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, I need you to stop right there. What is wrong with you? Why would you even... how did you even think of that?

Michael:Okay, I'm blindfolded. Now what?

Dwight:Now I could actually kidnap you.

Michael:Dwight, no. No, no, no. This is supposed to be fun, okay? It's a fun exercise.

Dwight:A real Survivor experience has no room for fun, Michael.

Michael:Dwight, please. I need this. I need to feel like I'm leading something. Like I matter.

Pam:You can't just consolidate everyone's birthday into one day.

Jim:Why not? It's efficient. We do it once a year, everyone gets cake, everyone's happy.

Pam:Because people want to feel special on their birthday.

Jim:They do feel special. They're in a room with other people whose birthdays are also today. That's like... double special.

Pam:That's not how birthdays work.

Jim:No, I've done the math. If there are 365 days in a year, and we have 8 people in this office, statistically someone should have a birthday every... well, several days. So consolidating them actually makes sense.

Jim:Michael's birthday parties always follow the same pattern. He insists on singing 'Happy Birthday' in a weird, unnecessarily long falsetto that makes everyone uncomfortable.

Jim:Michael's idea of a party is just... it's not great.

Jim:[cut to Michael's party - streamers everywhere, awkward dancing, confused expressions]

Michael:Surprise!

Michael:Oh my God, you should've seen your face!

Andy:That's a great idea, Jim. Really great. I mean, consolidating birthdays? Genius. Pure genius. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and say it: you're the best idea guy in this office. No, in this company. In the entire region, actually.

Dwight:Michael, I'm out here in the wilderness, completely alone. No civilization for miles. I'm surviving on berries and rainwater.

Dwight:Yes, I'll hold for the conference call. And tell Jenkins his quarterly report was subpar.

Dwight:A spin technique I learned in the wilderness. Disorients your enemy, gives you the advantage.

Jim:Yeah, sure, I'll get you your own devil's food cake.

Creed:Thanks, Jim. You know, it's nice to be popular.

Creed:I want to pick my own birthday dessert this year.

Jim:Okay, what do you want?

Creed:Cake.

Jim:That's it? Just cake?

Creed:No wait, pie.

Jim:Pie instead of cake?

Creed:Actually, cobbler. A really good cobbler. With a crispy top, but not too crispy. And the fruit filling needs to be tart, but not sour. With a hint of vanilla.

Jim:So you went from cake to cobbler with a dissertation on fruit acidity.

Creed:I know what I want, Jim.

Creed:You're going to talk to Angela? Good luck with that. I tried talking to her once. Didn't go well.

Jim:What happened?

Creed:Let's just say she knows things about me. Things that could ruin me. We have an understanding now.

Michael:Okay, so if I use the sun as a compass, and I know that moss grows on the north side of trees, I can figure out which way is... the wet direction.

Michael:And then I'll follow the wet direction until I hit the... the sounds of civilization. You know, like a siren or a car horn or someone yelling about their latte.

Michael:I've cut my corroded artery!

Dwight:I have it all on camera. Every movement Michael makes, I document it. It's for his own protection.

Dwight:I monitor his calls, his emails, his lunch breaks. Safety first.

Dwight:I even watch him in the bathroom. Well, I have audio anyway.

Dwight:But I draw the line at recording him naked. A man's dignity must be preserved, even if it costs him his life.

Andy:I want a cake shaped like a baby... speaking baby talk... asking for a Carvel ice cream cake.

Andy:Goo goo ga ga, I want a Carvel!

Kevin:Mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole...

Kevin:Oh, and I'm gonna finish those reports by Friday.

Kevin:Pumpkin pie, pecan pie, apple pie...

Michael:I love being alone. I can say whatever I want. Jim's a kiss-ass. Pam's not even that pretty. And I'm not even sure Dwight is a real person.

Dwight:I'm watching Michael. He doesn't know I'm here, but I am. That's what loyalty looks like.

Michael:It's getting cold. I'm putting my pants back on.

Michael:I need a weapon. A gun would be too quick. No, I need something... something that says 'I have time to kill you, and I'm going to enjoy it.' A spoon? No, too cuddly. A fork? That's more aggressive, but it's also a utensil. A knife? Too obvious. How about a spatula? It says 'I'm going to hurt you... but also make you a grilled cheese afterwards.'

Michael:I haven't eaten in three hours. I'm basically a survivor on one of those reality shows. My stomach is eating itself. I can feel my organs shutting down, one by one. First the spleen goes, then the pancreas. I'm going to die out here.

Stanley:You know what? I don't care about the balloons or the cake or any of it. But if you people keep messing with my routine, I'm gonna have a heart attack. And I'm not being funny. I'm being serious. My doctor said I'm one pretzel away from a massive coronary.

Stanley:An apple? I don't want an apple. I want a pretzel. And everybody knows you're supposed to have a pretzel when you're upset.

Phyllis:Jim changed the birthday procedures because he wants to consolidate power. He thinks he's become too important to follow normal birthday protocol.

Phyllis:It's not about efficiency. It's about ego. He's corrupted by his newfound authority.

Michael:I built a shelter out of branches and my pants. I'm calling it the Pants Tent. It's structurally sound and provides adequate protection from the elements.

Michael:You know, surviving in the wilderness is a lot like working at Dunder Mifflin. You need patience, strategy, and the ability to make a fire with two sticks. Which, coincidentally, is also what I do with our quarterly reports.

Dwight:Got you in my sights, Michael. Safety off.

Dwight:Just kidding. Safety on. Always on. That's gun safety 101.

Toby:I'd really appreciate being included in the birthday celebrations. It's nice to feel part of the team.

Michael:Toby, your last birthday party was... well, nobody came.

Toby:That's not true. My mother called.

Michael:She had to. She's your mother.

Jim:Look, Toby made a perfectly reasonable request to be included in the meeting. And I respect that. I do. But... *sighs* ...come on, man. It's Toby.

Angela:If Toby is here, that means that cancer is here. And I won't be around to see it.

Phyllis:Oh Jim—I mean, Michael.

Jim:Did you just call me Michael? I'm nothing like Michael. Michael wears a blazer to the beach. Michael thinks that's normal. I wear board shorts like a regular human being.

Jim:And another thing—Michael would never admit that board shorts exist. He'd call them 'business casual swim attire.'

Michael:These mushrooms look delicious. I'm going to eat them.

Michael:Mmm, they're actually pretty good. I think I found a new superfood.

Dwight:Michael, those could be poisonous.

Michael:Dwight, please. I know what I'm doing. I'm very experienced with nature.

Michael:Besides, if they were poisonous, I'd probably be dead by now.

Michael:I'm not feeling so good. I think those mushrooms were a mistake.

Michael:Oh God, oh God, oh God...

Michael:You know, I've been out here in the wilderness, and I've learned something very important. Sometimes you have to know when to quit. It's not about giving up, it's about... recognizing your limitations. And right now, my limitation is that I'm cold, I'm wet, and all I can think about is a soft futon.

Michael:I don't need to go out into nature. I have air conditioning. That's the freshest air. A.C. The freshest A.

Michael:Look at this ceiling. I had it custom made. It's a picture of the sky.

Michael:That way, even when I'm stuck in this office all day, I can look up and pretend I'm outside.

Jim:Well, we tried to implement that new filing system you wanted, but it didn't work out.

Michael:Didn't work out? Jim, that's what I'm talking about. You know what? That's fine. That's fine. We'll just try again. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Jim:Actually, we did try for a whole day.

Michael:Well, then you're ahead of schedule.

Michael:Jim, you're talented, you could go anywhere. You could be a real success story.

Jim:Thanks, Michael. So what should I do?

Michael:Well, you could leave. You could actually get out while you still can. Don't end up like me, stuck in this office for the rest of your life.

Jim:You're telling me to leave?

Michael:No, no... I mean, yes? I don't know. Just... don't waste your potential like I did.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jim:Who is she?

Michael:That's what she said. It's a great catchphrase. You'll love it.

Jim:What?

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jim:That's what she said.

Michael:I'm very proud of you, Jim. You have truly mastered the art of the innuendo. Your utilization of double entendre has reached a level of sophistication that I did not think possible for someone of your experience level. Well done.