Branch Wars

Karen:Karen's opening monologue: 'Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael presents a Ferris Bueller-style dummy in his office chair, complete with a string attached to the wrist connected to the door.

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I will know.' Michael: 'But you will not tell anyone.' Dwight: 'I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl.' — revealing a hierarchy of who Michael wants to spend his free time with, with Dwight at the bottom.

Stanley · Michael:Stanley interrupts Michael's dummy demonstration to announce 'I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.' — complete tonal whiplash.

Michael:Michael: 'You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing.' — after announcing Stanley's departure to the office in an apparently upbeat way.

Michael:Michael (talking head): 'Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley (talking head): 'I think it's because of my sales record.' Michael: 'That could not possibly be it.'

Michael:Michael: 'You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head eulogy of Stanley: 'The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes.'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley (three times): 'Money.' — in response to three different attempts by Michael to find out the 'real' reason he's leaving.

Michael:Michael: 'Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that.'

Jim · Oscar · Pam:Jim is excluded from the Finer Things Club because 'some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.'

Michael:Michael: 'You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That was a bluff.'

Michael · Ben Nugent:Michael to Ben Nugent: 'I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you 3 wishes: To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.'

Ben Nugent · Michael:Ben Nugent: 'Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?'

Michael:Michael: 'Yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.'

Ben:Ben's smack-talk about Scranton: 'Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden.' / 'Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?'

Michael:Michael: 'No, I fired them, and you're next.' — responding to the claim that everyone from Stanford quit immediately.

Michael:Michael: 'Scranton is the cool fun branch. We're like Animal House.'

Jim:Jim's camera look when Michael announces the 'panty raid' plan to go to Utica.

Michael · Pam:Michael vs. the Vivaldi playing in the break room: 'That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll.'

Jim:Jim's reaction to the Finer Things Club setup — he sees it and reacts with 'Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I have no words.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael and Dwight have driven past the Corcroan exit. Dwight announces: 'Surprise!'

Michael:Michael: 'We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.'

Michael:Michael: 'We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight grabs Jim's phone and throws it out the car window to prevent Jim from warning Karen.

Jim · Michael:Jim reveals his brother's baby photos were on the thrown phone. Michael: 'Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's plan: warehouse uniforms, silly string, Dwight's gasoline and chunks of rubber to make 'stink bombs — or real bombs.'

Jim:Jim (talking head): 'So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex? I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is awesome.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim pivots to the alphabet car game to escape Dwight's sex interrogation. Dwight gets stuck on what 'Alan' sells in Alaska and can't let it go.

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight is revealed to be urinating into an empty can in the car while Michael is driving.

Dwight:Dwight: 'I think I cut my penis on the lid.'

Andy · Pam · Oscar · Toby:Finer Things Club discusses 'A Room with a View' while Andy lurks outside trying to look like he's casually reading the same book.

Andy:'Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious.'

Andy:Andy (talking head): 'The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety.'

Michael · Jim:Michael offers Jim an afro wig as part of his disguise. Jim refuses and stays in the car.

Michael · Dwight:Michael's infiltration plan: pretend to be warehouse workers, silly string the place, 'stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.'

Michael:Michael spots Karen in the parking lot and shouts 'Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go. Let's move! Move, move, move, move!'

Jim:Jim (talking head): 'This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.'

Phyllis · Pam:Phyllis microwaves popcorn and Pam asks why she doesn't use the kitchen microwave. Phyllis: 'Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.'

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan: 'I'm gonna miss you, man. You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus.'

Michael:Michael (via earpiece): 'We are in a stairwell. We are climbing some stairs. I'm breathing heavily.'

Jim:Jim: 'You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'The eyes are the groin of the head.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight have found Utica's 'crown jewel' — their industrial copier — and are attempting to wheel it down the stairwell.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight become wedged between the copier and the railing in the stairwell. Dwight: 'My hip bone!' / 'We're wedged between the copier and the railing.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Ow, my leg! Jim, leave us. Save yourself!' / Michael: 'Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!'

Jim:Jim: 'First of all, stop using my name.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I'm losing control of my bladder.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Oh my God, Karen is back!' — and Dwight's immediate response: 'Did you say Karen? Take her to a motel, make love to her, Jim.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.'

Jim · Karen:Jim runs into Karen in the Utica parking lot while wearing a disguise. 'I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...'

Jim:Jim: 'Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.' Then, after a beat: 'Copy that.'

Karen:Karen (talking head): 'I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform felt pretty good.'

Michael · Karen:Michael to Karen: 'You can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.' Karen: 'I'm taking Stanley.' Michael: 'Then we will burn Utica to the ground.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.'

Jim · Karen:Karen confronts Jim: 'So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?' Jim: 'Yeah, trying to quit though.'

Jim · Karen:Jim's verbal spiral: 'Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see you.'

Karen:Karen: 'Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that?'

Karen:Karen: 'Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship.'

Jim · Karen:Jim: 'I'm going to go because of the... traffic.' Karen: 'Traffic, yeah.' Followed by an extended awkward exit.

Michael:Michael (talking head): 'We tried and we failed.' Then, after a pause: 'Stanley, you may go.' Then presenting a box for his things.

Michael:Michael: 'Here is a box... for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place.'

Michael:Michael: 'Fly away, sweet little bird, fly away and be free.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad. Wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart.'

Stanley:Stanley reveals he was never planning to leave — he just wanted a raise. 'How on Earth did Michael call my bluff?'

Stanley:Stanley: 'Is he some sort of secret genius?' — genuinely asking, about Michael Scott.

Michael:Michael (talking head): 'Sometimes I say crazy things.'

Pam · Karen:Karen comforts Karen about the copier being broken; offers to invite her to the Finer Things Club. — actually Pam offers Karen a comfort.

Andy:Andy (joining Finer Things Club to discuss Angela's Ashes): 'Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.'

Andy · Oscar:Oscar asks if Andy really liked Angela's Ashes. Andy: 'No, I mean I really liked it. I thought it was a fun read.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?'