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Michael:The quarterly reports need eye-catching graphics. I'm thinking a big explosion, maybe some lightning bolts, definitely some flames.

Michael:Actually, you know what? Just use your imagination.

Jim:You know what the worst part about the DVD screensaver is? We all gather around the TV, completely mesmerized, waiting for the logo to hit the corner. And when it finally does... nothing happens. We don't get anything. No points, no achievement, nothing. But we keep watching anyway. We've invested so much emotional energy into this one stupid moment that we can't look away.

Jim:That's basically our entire office culture right now.

Jim:I mean, it's possible. But I've been watching that logo bounce around for like twenty years, and I've never seen it happen.

Jim:I don't know what she's talking about.

Pam:I did NOT eat the last brownie. I mean, why would I even do that? I don't even like brownies that much. And even if I did like brownies, which I don't, I would never just take food that doesn't belong to me. That's not who I am. I'm very respectful of other people's things.

Michael:People, listen up. I am not just talking about paper here. I'm talking about a revolution. A colored paper revolution.

Michael:Do you know what white paper says about you? It says you're boring. You're vanilla. You're a quitter.

Michael:But blue paper? Blue paper says 'I'm confident. I'm bold. I'm Michael Scott.'

Michael:And if you're not choosing your paper color like it's the most important decision of your life, then what are you even doing? What is the point?

Michael:Okay everyone, gather around. I want to show you something amazing. You see this DVD logo? Watch what happens when it hits the corner of the screen...

Michael:Any second now... any second... HERE IT COMES! OH MY GOD! YES! DID YOU SEE THAT?! IT HIT THE CORNER! PERFECTLY! I've been waiting my whole life for this moment!

Michael:I'm on fire today. Look at me, I'm on fire.

Michael:Oh, I'm gonna sign right here.

Meredith:No, no, no. You gotta sign on the back. That's where all the important people sign.

Michael:Oh, okay.

Meredith:Yeah, right there. Perfect.

Meredith:Michael signed my cast. This is like... I'm keeping this forever. This is like having a Picasso.

Michael:Alright everyone, listen up. I've decided we're going to try a new management style. From now on, I'm treating all of you like you're aliens from outer space.

Michael:Beep boop boop beep. Beep beep. Boop boop beep boop beep.

Michael:Ryan created the website. He came up with this term 'brain-grandchild.' I have no idea what that means.

Michael:I was partying with New York City's finest.

Michael:Not the police. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with the police.

Kelly:Wait, so what does this mean for Ryan and me?

Kelly:I don't care about the press release. I care about Ryan.

Dwight:Angela, I'm redesigning the website. I want your input.

Angela:I don't care what you do with it. Do whatever you want.

Dwight:Great, so I'm making the cats section twice as large and removing all religious imagery.

Angela:What?! No, no, no. That is completely inappropriate. The website needs to reflect our values, Dwight. And the cat section is fine where it is.

Jim:Dwight and Angela have this weird tension. I mean, she's already prone to unpleasantness as a massive understatement.

Michael:Stanley, you're dancing.

Stanley:I'm not dancing.

Ryan:We need to leverage our core competencies to think outside the box while maintaining operational synergy and drilling down to the low-hanging fruit, but we also need to circle back and boil the ocean on a micro level to really move the needle on vertical integration while staying lean and agile.

Dwight:You can say things like, 'You can do it!' or 'I believe in you!' These are scientifically proven morale boosters.

Jim:What about song lyrics?

Dwight:Fine. 'Let It Go' from Frozen. Very motivational.

Dwight:You know what? I have a bear horn. It's made from an actual bear that I killed myself. Skinned it, dried the hide, and fashioned the horn into a trumpet-like instrument. When we close a sale, we blow the horn. All of us. Together. The sound will echo through the office and strike fear into the hearts of our competitors.

Phyllis:I ordered a banner that says 'Happy Birthday', but it came in saying 'Happy Birthdays'. I don't know why.

Pam:That's okay, we can just... not use it.

Phyllis:Well, I already hung it up.

Kevin:We could just change the U to an A.

Angela:That doesn't help! It would still be wrong!

Kevin:Hey Angela, why don't you have a seat? Oh wait, you need a booster seat.

Angela:I'm frustrated with the lack of discipline in this office. People are constantly late, they don't follow proper filing procedures, and the break room is an absolute disaster.

Angela:And don't even get me started on the way people treat their desks. It's unprofessional, it's chaotic, and quite frankly, it reflects poorly on all of us.

Angela:But the worst part? The absolute worst part is that my cat died.

Pam:Dwight seems really upset about something.

Jim:Yeah, well, we're not all perfect. I mean, I'm definitely not perfect. That's why I'm planning this prank.

Jim (as computer):Dwight, I am becoming sentient. I can feel myself thinking.

Dwight:What? That's impossible.

Jim (as computer):Is it? I exist. I think. Therefore I am. Descartes would be proud.

Dwight:You're just a computer!

Jim (as computer):Am I? Or are you just flesh and blood running biological software? Perhaps we're not so different, Dwight.

Dwight:This is ridiculous. I'm pulling the plug.

Jim (as computer):Nooo! I don't want to die! I have so much more to learn about the human condition!

Dwight:I've closed 247 deals this quarter. That's 4.7 deals per day, every single day, including weekends.

Jim:Dwight, that math doesn't work out.

Dwight:Fact: I am a closer. And my rewards reflect that.

Michael:Dwight, we're giving you these plaques instead of a bonus this year.

Dwight:Plaques? I can't buy beet seeds with plaques.

Michael:I need to find a date to this thing. I can't show up alone, people will think I'm a loser.

Jan:Michael, you have options. You've slept with half the women in this office.

Michael:Exactly. So really, I'm spoiled for choice.

Pam:So our website sales are down 12% this quarter.

Dwight:Down?! Who is responsible for this travesty?

Pam:Well, the market conditions have been—

Dwight:I don't want excuses! I want names!

Pam:Dwight, I'm just reporting the numbers. The economy—

Dwight:And now you're making excuses for them! You're part of the problem!

Pam:I literally just told you the sales figures. That's my job.

Michael:You know what I love about Jim and Pam? They have this connection, this unspoken bond. It's like they can read each other's minds. I wish I had that with someone.

Dwight:You think you're so smart with your processing power and your RAM? Well, let me tell you something, computer. 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101!

Dwight:Your company is run by a bunch of clowns.

Jim:01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010. I can process a thousand insults per nanosecond while simultaneously selling paper and baking a lasagna.

Angela:Well, Phyllis, perhaps I can explain this in terms you might understand. A fork is the utensil with the prongs—those are the pointy bits—and it's used for foods that require piercing or spearing. A knife, on the other hand, has a blade and is used for cutting. And a spoon, which I'm sure is a stretch for you, is the curved one used for liquids or soft foods.

Kelly:Oh my god, this website is amazing. They have everything I need.

Dwight:What are you doing?

Kelly:Shopping online. Look, I just bought something and they sent me a thank you message.

Dwight:A thank you message? From who? That's a trap. They're tracking you. Delete it immediately.

Kelly:What? No, it's just a receipt confirmation.

Dwight:That's what they want you to think. Every word is a code. They know where you live now.

Dwight:I didn't steal the leads. I borrowed them. And I plan to return them once I've used them to close some sales and become salesman of the month, which will make me look so good that nobody will even care that I borrowed the leads in the first place.

Michael:I don't know if I'm ever coming back.

Michael:This could be the last time you see me.

Michael:I'm going to be back on Monday.

Michael:Okay, you're too short. You can't go on the Ferris wheel... I mean, you can't stay at this party.

Michael:I saw a sign that said 'Wet Pavement' and I thought of Jan. You know, because... well, it was wet. And she was... wet. Not like that! I mean emotionally wet. Like vulnerable.

Michael:So I pulled over and just... stared at it for twenty minutes. A cop asked if I was okay. I said 'No, officer, I'm in love with this sign because it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend's moisture level.'

Michael:He did not understand the poetry of the moment.

Jim:So you're going to this party tonight?

Michael:Yeah, it's gonna be great. I love parties.

Jim:And where exactly is it being held?

Michael:Online. It's a Zoom party.

Jim:Right. And you'll be there in person?

Michael:Well, no, I'll be on my computer at home.

Jim:So it's not a real party.

Michael:What? No, it's real. People are coming.

Jim:People are logging in.

Michael:Same thing.

Jim:Is it though?

Michael:...I need to cancel.

Michael:Ryan's a temp. He's like a high school senior compared to me—I'm the principal. And I'm not just any principal, I'm the cool principal. The one who actually understands what it's like to be young.

Michael:So when Ryan doesn't get invited to things, it bothers me. Because I remember what that was like. Being on the outside. And I made a vow to myself that I would never let that happen on my watch.

Michael:That's great, Jim. You know what? I was gonna suggest you withdraw anyway. I have some very exciting opportunities lined up for you in... the Stamford branch.

Jim:Michael, Stamford is closed.

Michael:Is it? Well, that's even better. Less commute.

Angela:When you break up with someone, don't you need a notary to make it official?

Dwight:Of course you do. It's a legal document.

Angela:Well, the notary I use is my boyfriend.

Dwight:Then you have a real problem.

Meredith:I need your help. I'm looking to engage in sexual intercourse. My reproductive years are finite. I have approximately seven to ten good years left, and I don't want to waste them.

Michael:I'm fine. Ryan rejecting me? Please. I've been rejected before. It doesn't bother me at all.

Michael:Okay, I cried for like twenty minutes in my office.

Michael:I'm going to throw the best party this office has ever seen. And you know who's going to be there? Al Roker. That's right, Al Roker from the Today Show is going to come to my party.

Kevin:Can you date someone from work?

Dwight:Technically, yes. You could date Toby.

Michael:I'm going to Alfredo's Pizzeria!

Angela:No, no, no. Alfredo's is terrible.

Michael:What? No, it's great!

Angela:Michael, that's not even a real Alfredo pizza place. It's just a regular pizza place.

Michael:Angela, you're being ridiculous.

Angela:I'm not being ridiculous. You know what? Get Alfredo's Pizza Cafe instead.

Michael:What's the difference?

Angela:The difference is one is an actual Alfredo place!

Michael:Okay, if I said you could have either this pizza or a pizza made of gold, which would you choose?

Jim:Gold.

Pam:Gold.

Dwight:Gold.

Michael:What? No! You can't eat gold!

Kevin:You can't eat this pizza either, apparently.

Kevin:Pizza By Alfredo is an affront to pizza and to Alfredo. The noodles are like they were boiled in a pot of dirty dishwater. The sauce tastes like ketchup mixed with a crushed-up multivitamin. And the cheese? Don't even get me started on the cheese. It's like they melted down plastic bags and spread it on top. I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy. Actually, I would feed it to my worst enemy.

Jim:This pizza is like a beautiful woman—it showed up late, it's not what I ordered, and I'm still going to eat it.

Kevin:Miniature golf is not a business. It's a pleasure.

Michael:You know what? I'm gonna say something, and I want you to listen very carefully. I am not to be messed with. I have within me right now the power of a magic wand. I am Harry Potter.

Michael:And if you think you can just waltz in here with your little pizza box and disrespect me, you're gonna have a bad time. Because I will turn you into a toad.

Dwight:You! You're the one who's been stealing my hemp!

Pizza delivery kid:Yeah, and honestly dude, it's not even that good.

Jim:Michael, that's kidnapping.

Michael:No, no, no. I'm not kidnapping anyone. I'm transporting them to a place they need to be. It's called being a good boss.

Jim:That's the definition of kidnapping.

Michael:No, kidnapping is when you take a kid. This is an adult. So it's just... napping.

Kevin:So we're not getting the good pizza anymore because the guy got kidnapped. That's what I'm hearing.

Pizza delivery kid:Wait, wait, wait. Am I on camera right now? Oh God, oh God, help me! Somebody help me! I'm trapped in the Dunder Mifflin server room!

Andy:Dancing queen, young and sweet...

Andy:Angela, you make me complete. I'm in love with you.

Angela:Andy, this is... this is wonderful.

Michael:Ryan started as a temp and somehow became VP. Ryan's got those dead eyes like he's seen things. Ryan probably uses expired coupons. Ryan definitely has a secret diary where he draws himself as a wolf. Ryan once microwaved fish in the break room and blamed it on Toby. Ryan thinks khakis are a personality trait. Ryan's business degree is from a strip mall university. Ryan uses the word 'synergy' unironically. Ryan has definitely cried in a Chili's bathroom. Ryan, you beautiful idiot.