The English Patient

Jerry:And they're all in the concession stand, and they're buying candy. So a box of Raisinets is buying Raisinets. He's a cannibal! He's buying his own people!

George:They're advertising to each other! It's a whole thing. The Raisinet falls in love with the Milk Dud, they get married, have little Raisin Duds...

George:But then the Raisinet's mother comes to visit, and she doesn't approve because the Milk Dud isn't chocolate enough.

Jerry:You know what I realized? Raisinets and Pepsi can never actually be together. It's biologically impossible. A raisin is a dried grape, and Pepsi is a carbonated beverage. The carbonation would rehydrate the raisin, turning it back into a regular grape. So you'd end up with grapes and Pepsi, which is a completely different relationship. It's not a cross-brand romance, it's a mutation.

Jerry:Wait, so these candy characters... they're real people in costumes, right? They have agents? Union benefits? What happens when they get injured in those suits? Do they have workers' compensation?

George:Hi, I'm George.

Woman:Oh my God, David! I haven't seen you in years!

George:No, no, I'm George. Not David.

Woman:Come on, it's me, Susan! We went to high school together!

George:I think you have me confused with someone else.

Woman:Don't be silly. How could I forget that face? You were my prom date!

George:I'm telling you, I'm not David. I've never even met you before.

Woman:Oh, very funny, David. Same sense of humor. Well, it was nice seeing you again!

George:I look like someone's boyfriend?

George:I can't even get my own girlfriend!

Frank:Look at this shirt Jerry bought me. This is a beautiful shirt!

Jerry:Dad, that's not...

Frank:No, no, no. This is quality. Feel this material. This is a real shirt.

Jerry:It's from a discount bin.

Frank:Discount? This is a discount? That makes it even better! Your mother, she would have loved this shirt.

George:Why would she think I'm her boyfriend? I've never even met this woman!

Jerry:George, you were standing next to her at the coffee shop.

George:Standing next to her? That makes me her boyfriend? By that logic, I'm married to the guy at the dry cleaners!

George:This is cosmic injustice! This is— this is like I'm living in some alternate universe where proximity equals commitment!

George:I could get a monocle, a top hat, maybe a cane with a ivory handle.

Jerry:You'd be Mr. Peanut.

George:So?

Jerry:So? You'd have to eat cocktail weenies at all times.

George:You know, that Mr. Peanut is one classy guy. I mean, he's got the monocle, the top hat, the cane... Women go for that.

Jerry:George, he's a peanut.

George:So? He's a legume with style. I don't stand a chance.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. A sack lunch? That's the whole movie? Just a sack lunch?

Elaine:I mean, what happens? Does he eat it? Does someone steal it? What's the conflict?

Elaine:Wait, so you're telling me that a sack lunch... has the power to change a man's life? That's not science, that's a greeting card!

George:You know, I've been thinking about you a lot.

Woman:That's nice.

George:Yeah, I mean, when you thought I was Neil Diamond...

Woman:Oh, I knew you weren't Neil Diamond.

George:What? You knew?

Woman:Of course I knew. I was just being nice.

George:You know, I'm not such a bad guy. I mean, I have my qualities.

Danielle:You're right. You're actually... you're a very nice person.

George:Really? You think so?

Danielle:Yeah. I do.

Elaine:Just die already!

Elaine:Just die already!

Elaine:I would give up my firstborn child for Ralph Fiennes.

Elaine:Well, I mean, he's no Ralph Fiennes.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I got you a lot of things over the years, Dad. Remember the golf clubs? The stereo? The watch?

Izzy:You see this? I'm strong!

Jerry:Yeah, that's great.

Izzy:I bet you couldn't do that!

Jerry:You're right, I couldn't.

Izzy:You know, Jerry, you're a funny guy. You should be a comedian.

Jerry:I am a comedian.

Izzy:Oh.

Frank:Izzy was an athlete, you know. He could've played professional baseball.

Jerry:Yeah, in the Civil War.

Izzy:I'm stronger than you, Jerry. Watch this!

Izzy:Aahhhhh! My back!

Kramer:They got another guy ready to go!

Elaine:Oh, I know what would really improve it — if it were shorter.

Jerry:So where are my Cubans?

Dominican worker:They're in the trunk.

Jerry:In the trunk? What are they doing in the trunk?

Dominican worker:Where else you want them?

Jerry:Well, I don't know... I thought they'd be boxed up or something.

Dominican worker:They're not going to like this.

Kramer:Yeah, well, the Cubans, they roll them by hand. And they got these old guys, they been rolling cigars since like the fifties. So you got all these years of experience just rolling up in a cigar.

Frank:You're lying to me!

Jerry:I'm not lying.

Frank:Yes you are! I can always tell when you're lying.

Jerry:Fine. Fine! You caught me. I'm lying. Are you happy now?

Elaine:I mean, the guy's a burn victim. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but maybe a little less making out?

Elaine:Just die already! He's dying, she's dying, everybody in the desert is dying. Just die!

Elaine:And stop telling her you love her. You're in the middle of the desert with a broken pelvis. It's not a romantic setting, it's a suicide pact!

Frank:You know, the Mandelbaums, they got big crepe money.

Jerry:Big crepe money?

Frank:That's right. Crepes. That's where the money is.

Jerry:Wait, what? A crepe fortune? Frank, that's not a thing.

Izzy:What's with the shirt?

Frank:What do you mean what's with the shirt? It's a shirt.

Izzy:It's a very distinctive shirt.

Frank:So?

Izzy:So nothing. I'm just saying it's distinctive.

Frank:You know what? I think you're in on it.

Izzy:In on what?

Frank:Jerry's whole thing. This is all part of his plan. The shirt, the questions, all of it!

Kramer:Who is this guy?

George:Neil. Neil Diamond.

Kramer:So?

George:So? So?! He's only one of the greatest entertainers of all time!

Kramer:You giddy?

George:What?

Kramer:Giddy. I giddied her.

George:You giddied her?

Kramer:Yeah, giddy. It's a good word. You know what I mean?

George:No, I don't know what you mean!

Kramer:Well now you're making me all self-conscious about it.

Frank Costanza:Hello? Yeah, hello. I'm calling to report a number one. Yeah, that's right, a number one. I'm number one. You're looking at number one right here. That's me. I'm number one.

Kramer:So I'm down in the basement rolling cigars, and I look up and there's this whole operation going on.

Jerry:What do you mean operation?

Kramer:I mean there's like thirty people down there! They got the whole assembly line set up. Tobacco leaves everywhere.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't have a cigar rolling factory in your apartment!

Kramer:Jerry, it's not just my apartment. It's the whole building. We got people in the laundry room, the storage closet, everywhere.

Jerry:We? Who is we?

Kramer:Me and my new business partner.

Jerry:Your what?

Kramer:His name's Alberto. He's Cuban. Very nice guy. Makes a mean coffee.

Jerry:So you're telling me Cuban cigars are the best in the world?

Kramer:The best! Everybody knows that.

Jerry:But we can't get them here because of the embargo.

Kramer:That's right. It's a crime, really.

Jerry:So what you're saying is... you want to smoke Cuban?

Kramer:Well, yeah!

Jerry:That's not what I meant, and you know it.

Peterman:The English Patient is not just a movie, it's a journey into the soul of romance itself. A man, burned beyond recognition, crawling through the desert to be with his love. The passion, the sacrifice, the sheer devotion...

Peterman:I wept. I wept like a newborn babe.

Elaine:I'm glad you asked, because I have a lot of problems with that movie. First of all, Cruise Control—take a seat because this is important—Cruise Control didn't even exist in the '50s. So how could he be using it?

Elaine:And another thing: if The English Patient is so great, why doesn't he just tell her his name? I'll tell you why—because the movie is terrible!

Jerry:So now it's a competition over who gets to wear the dad shirt?

Izzy Jr.:You think you're the dad? I'm the dad!

Jerry:You're not the dad. I'm the dad.

Izzy Jr.:Well then who's the grandpa?

Jerry:There is no grandpa!

Izzy Jr.:Then we need to get a grandpa shirt, because someone's gotta be the grandpa.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. We're competing over who has the worst dad shirt? And the prize is... what, exactly? The satisfaction of having the worst taste in clothing?

Izzy Jr.:You think you're better than us?

Izzy III:My father can beat you up!

Izzy Jr.:And if that doesn't work, my father will beat you up!

Izzy III:And if that doesn't work, I'll have my son beat you up!

Jerry:So where'd this happen?

Izzy III:I was at the gym.

Jerry:The gym? What happened?

Izzy III:I pulled something while I was lifting.

Jerry:At least you were at the gym when it happened.

Kramer:They're real Cubans!

Jerry:Where'd you get them?

Kramer:A guy I know. They're the real thing.

Jerry:How do you know they're authentic?

Kramer:Because they came from Cuba. And they're real good rollers.

Kramer · Jerry:'Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.' / 'We're talking about people, right?' / 'Yes, yes, the quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma.'

George:Coffee? COFFEE?! Just like that? 'Hey, let's have coffee.' No! No coffee! You know what coffee means? It means sitting. Sitting and talking. For what, an hour? An hour of my life, gone. And for what? So you can tell me about your day? I don't want to hear about your day! I have my own day! And now I have to sit there and pretend to be interested while you go on and on about some guy at work who said something funny. It's not funny! Nothing's funny! And the coffee's cold by the time you get to the point, which you never do because you just keep talking and talking. No. Absolutely not. Find someone else.

George:I'm going to beat Neil. I'm going to the moon.

Jerry:The moon?

George:That's right. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. I'm going to go further.

Jerry:Further than the moon?

George:Yes. I'm going to Mars. And I'm taking my girlfriend.

George:Neil! There's only one Neil that matters and he's been dead for three hundred years!

Jerry:Neil Armstrong?

George:Neil Young! Neil Diamond! Not Neil from the copy place!

Jerry:The Mandelbaums are so competitive with each other. Frank's always trying to one-up Estelle, and the kids are doing the same thing with their parents.

Jerry:It's like a never-ending arms race of trying to prove you're better than everyone else in your own family.

Jerry:I mean, what happens when you take that to its logical conclusion? Someone's gotta lose. And in the Mandelbaum house, losing means you're basically dead to them.

Kramer:The Dominicans, they embraced the Cuban culture. They got the shirts, the music, the whole thing. But here's the thing - they also got the communist ideology mixed right in with the fashion. You're wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt, you're listening to salsa, you're drinking a mojito - it's all very fashionable, very cool. But nobody's really thinking about what it means, you know? It's just... it's just style.

Kramer:These guys, they're getting restless. They're talking about revolution, about overthrowing the government. I'm telling you, I'm living in a communist state here!

Morty Mandelbaum:We are the Mandelbaums!

Herman Mandelbaum:We are the Mandelbaums!

Jeffrey Mandelbaum:We are the Mandelbaums!

George:My father was a marine biologist.

Izzy Jr.:No, he wasn't.

George:Well, he told me he was.

Izzy Jr.:He lied. It's a family tradition.

Elaine:Just DIE already!

Elaine:Oh, come on! Just die already! Die! Why won't you just die?!

Elaine:The movie was terrible! It was the worst thing I've ever seen! I hate it! I hate it!

Peterman:Well, at least you're honest.

Jerry · Earl Haffler:'We're talking about people, right?' / 'I think so.' — Jerry and Earl Haffler

Jerry:You know, the Dominicans who work at the Magic Pan, they roll those crepes just like they roll cigars back home.

Kramer:It's the same motion!

Jerry:So what happened with the crepe?

Neil:I got burned. The guy was using this Dominican rolling technique, flipping it too fast.

Jerry:Dominican rolling technique? It's a crepe, not a cigar.

Neil:I'm telling you, he lost control of it. It came right at my face.

Jerry:Maybe he should stick to what they know — merengue.

Kramer:These Cuban crepes are the best crepes in the world. You know, the Cubans, they invented the crepe. People think it's the French, but it's the Cubans.

George:See? See? Mr. Peanut! I told you! The cane, the monocle, the top hat!

George:Neil, I just want you to know that I have nothing but respect for you.

George:You're a worthy adversary, and I hope you make a full recovery.

George:Wait, wait, wait. Neil? Neil?! You're leaving me for Neil?

George:I'll do anything. I'll change. I'll go to the gym. I'll get a job.

George:I'll hurt myself. I'll hurt my family!

George:I'm still in the game. I'm still in the game!

Izzy's Father · Jerry:Izzy Sr.'s FATHER appears — the grandfather — who then attempts to lift the bolted TV

Izzy Jr. · Jerry · Grandpa Mandelbaum:He was trying to lift the TV. — That TV? — Oh, no. — It's go time. [Grandpa Mandelbaum appears]

Izzy's Father · Izzy Jr. · Izzy:'Why didn't anybody tell me it was bolted down?' / 'I still thought you could do it.' / 'Me too.' / 'Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.'

Izzy Jr. · Jerry:Mandelbaum Jr.: 'Put us all in the hospital and you ruined our business with all your macho head games.' Jerry: 'I didn't ruin your business.' 'There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes.'

Izzy · Jerry:'There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes.' / 'Don't you hire people to do that?' / 'Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan.'

Jerry · Mandelbaum Grandson:Jerry hands the TV remote to the still-bedridden Mandelbaums. Mandelbaum grandson: 'You think you're better than us, don't you?'

Elaine:Elaine finally breaks at The English Patient — 'Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!'

Mr. Peterman · Elaine:'Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.' / 'Great. I'll wait for you outside.'

Elaine:Elaine's punishment: she must go live in a Tunisian cave to be 'inspired' by The English Patient's setting

Kramer:'These Dominicans really know their way around a crepe, huh? Looks like they're rolling a Double Corona.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'Well, that doesn't sound so bad.' Elaine: 'I have to live in a cave.'

Kramer:'Just a cigar made out of Bisquick, huh, Guillermo?'

Danielle:Danielle calls to say it's over — 'I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry, Neil.'

Danielle · Kramer · George:The crepes spray and burn Neil's face — 'My face! Neil! Why are the crepes spraying? The Dominicans are rolling them too tight.'

Kramer:'Well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.' — Kramer's post-disaster analysis

George · Neil:Neil has a cane — George realizes Neil IS Mr. Peanut — 'I knew it.' / 'So we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut.'

George · Danielle:'George, I can't move in with you.' / 'Marry me. I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents.'