The Nap

Jerry:You know what's crazy? 'Manslaughter.' That sounds like the worst thing you can do to a man. 'Manslaughter.' Like, you're slaughtering men. But it's actually the *least* serious murder charge.

Jerry:If you kill somebody, you want to be convicted of manslaughter. It's the most socially acceptable form of murder.

Jerry:They should change the name of manslaughter to something less harsh.

George:Like what?

Jerry:I don't know... 'Involuntary Kinetic Mishap'?

George:That sounds like a physics problem.

Jerry:Or 'Unintended Mortality Event'.

George:Now it sounds like an insurance form.

George:I Can't Believe It's Not Manslaughter!

Jerry:So Damien is the devil's son, not the devil himself.

George:Right, he's like an assistant. Pretty scary for a helper.

Jerry:Yeah, most helpers just organize files.

George:I love naps. I love naps. It's like a little vacation from life. You just lay down, close your eyes, and boom — suddenly you're in a different world.

George:The thing is, naps actually motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. I think to myself, 'If I get up now, I can take a nap later.' So naps are what get me going.

Jerry:A walking date? That's like being alone, but with someone else there.

Kramer:Look at these! Look at these!

Jerry:What happened to your hands?

Kramer:I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

George:What was Damien from The Omen?

Kramer:Oh, he was just a mischievous kid.

Hal:Twinkies aren't actually baked, they're manufactured. It's not really cake, it's more of a... substance.

Hal:These ergonomic stores, they all have these stupid cute names. 'The Back Store,' 'Posture Plus,' 'Spine Design.' I mean, come on!

Hal:So I decided to open my own store.

Hal:It's called 'The Ergo Depot.'

Kramer:You could use a barrel hinge, a butt hinge, a piano hinge, a strap hinge, a H-hinge, a T-hinge...

Jerry:A hinge.

Jerry:A fort? You're sleeping under your desk like it's a fort?

George:So Conrad, do you work after dinner?

Conrad:Oh, I'm always available for Mr. Seinfeld. Anytime, anywhere. I rearrange my entire schedule around his needs.

Conrad:If he wants me at 2 AM, I'm there. If he needs me on a Sunday, I cancel everything.

Conrad:My life revolves entirely around servicing Mr. Seinfeld's requests.

Elaine:You know what? Forget the couch cushions, forget the folding chair. I'm just going to stand for the rest of my life.

Elaine:I didn't order a mattress.

Delivery Man:You're Elaine Benes?

Elaine:Yes, but I didn't order this.

Delivery Man:Says here it's paid in full.

Elaine:Well, someone made a mistake.

George:Can you move it two inches to the left?

Conrad:Sure thing!

George:Actually, now three inches to the right.

Conrad:You got it!

George:Wait, back to where it was originally.

Conrad:No problem at all!

George:You know what? A little higher.

Conrad:Happy to help!

George:It's perfect. I come in, I do a little work, then I lie down, put my head on the keyboard, I wake up, I type a little something, it's all happening right here. I'm not getting tired anymore at work.

George:You know what the best part is? It's the coziness. My bed at home, forget about it. This desk, this blanket, this pillow... I haven't slept this good in years.

Kramer:I'm in the pool, right? And there's all these people doing aquacise. These are senior citizens, okay? And I'm swimming through, I'm like a salmon going upstream. There's this one woman, she's got these water wings on, she's doing these movements... and another guy, he's got a kickboard, he's kicking like crazy, splashing everywhere. And I'm trying to navigate through all of this, and there's this instructor up on the deck, she's going 'Keep it up! Feel the burn!' And I'm like, lady, the only thing I'm feeling is the pressure of seventeen senior citizens in my personal space!

Kramer:I'm too much for the pool. I'm like a human depth charge.

Jerry:So Hal sent you a mattress? That's romantic. A 'roll in the hay' without the hay, and without the rolling.

Elaine:It's actually very comfortable.

Jerry:I'm sure it is. But let's be honest - a mattress is not a gift. It's a hint. He's telling you something.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:That you need better support.

Jerry:My mattress sprung a leak.

Kramer:A leak? What kind of leak?

Jerry:I don't know, it's all wet.

Kramer:Well, what came out of it?

Jerry:Sand.

Jerry:Stop asking questions and just do it.

Conrad:I'll do it myself your way.

Steinbrenner:You were humming something earlier. What was that tune? It was driving me crazy.

George:I don't know, just something stuck in my head.

Steinbrenner:No, no, I got it. It goes like... *hums* 'Daaa da da da, she loves you yeah yeah yeah... that's what friends are for...'

George:That's not even close.

Steinbrenner:What do you mean? It's perfect. 'We are the champions... of the world... don't stop believing...'

Hal:The mattress was custom designed. I studied your body for months to get the exact specifications.

Child:Look, there's a man swimming in the water!

Kramer:No no no, he's not swimming. See, what happens is they take a guy, they break his legs, and they throw him in the river. Now he can't swim, so he drowns. That's a mob hit.

Jerry:The East River is the most contaminated waterway.

Kramer:Actually, the Hudson has higher levels of PCBs and dioxins. The East River's primary contaminants are heavy metals and bacterial pathogens.

Jerry:Were there other people swimming?

Kramer:Oh yeah, there were a lot of people in the water. They were just floating there, not moving, just... floating.

George:I'm not leaving until I talk to Steinbrenner. I don't care how long it takes.

George:You know, the last time I was in a record store, I asked the guy if they had the new album by The Who. He looked at me like I was an idiot.

George:So I'm not making that mistake again. Not here. Not now. Not with Steinbrenner watching.

Steinbrenner:Well hello there! What's your name, young man?

Child:Tommy.

Steinbrenner:Tommy! That's a fantastic name! You know, I had a Tommy once. Great player. Didn't work out, but great!

Child:Thanks.

Steinbrenner:And you, what's your name, sweetheart?

Child:Jessica.

Steinbrenner:Jessica! Oh, that's wonderful! You know, we should sign you up right away. You've got potential written all over you!

George:Psst! Psst! Go away!

George:No, no, no - shoo! Shoo!

George:Get out of here, kid!

George:Jerry! Jerry, help me! I'm stuck under here!

Jerry:George, what are you doing under there?

George:I don't know! Just pull me out!

Jerry:I'm trying!

George:Wait, wait - call in a bomb threat!

Jerry:What?!

George:Call in a bomb threat! They'll evacuate the building and I can just crawl out in the chaos!

George Steinbrenner:Everyone get under your desks! There's a bomb threat!

George Costanza:Oh my God!

Receptionist:We need to evacuate!

George Steinbrenner:No, no! Stay calm. Under the desks, everyone under the desks!

George Costanza:Get away! There's not enough room!

Steinbrenner:My grandchildren... I have to think about my grandchildren. What kind of world are they going to grow up in? A world where a man can't even go to a baseball game without worrying about a bomb?

Steinbrenner:You predicted it. You knew it was going to happen. How did you know?

George:I didn't know anything. I was just trying to get out of going to the meeting.

Steinbrenner:But you said there was going to be a bomb!

George:I was kidding around!

Steinbrenner:You have ESP. You're a psychic. This is incredible!

Steinbrenner:They want 5 million dollars and a set of luggage.

George:Luggage?

Steinbrenner:And they want it in a canvas tote bag.

Jerry:What is this? It looks like a ticket booth!

George:Where am I? This isn't my desk. I don't even recognize this floor. I think I'm in the wrong building.

George:Wait, is this... am I in New Jersey?

Kramer:Yeah, the river might be a little polluted.

George:Yeah, that mattress smells like a dead animal crawled into it and died.

George:I'm outta here.

George:You know, a fitted hat is not like a regular hat. It's gotta be exact. Too big, you look like an idiot. Too small, you look like an idiot with a tiny hat on your head. There's no in-between.

George:And what if you have an unusually large head? Or an unusually small head? These people, where do they shop? What do they do?

Jerry:What's your hat size?

George:Seven and a half! Why are you yelling at me?!

Jerry:I'm not yelling.

George:You just asked me my hat size like I stole your car!

Elaine:What is that smell?

Hal:Oh, I was out clamming this morning.

Elaine:Clamming?

Hal:Yeah, I clam and scallops.

Steinbrenner:I don't have time for this. We're in the middle of a national security briefing.

Steinbrenner:Wait, wait, wait. How do you pronounce that? Is it 'ter-ROR-ist' or 'TER-or-ist'?

Steinbrenner:Because I've been saying it wrong this whole time, and if I'm going to brief the President, I need to get this right.

George:I'm not a terrorist, I'm a customer service representative. I have a complaint about your airline. The peanuts were stale, the movie was terrible, and the flight attendant was rude to me. I want a full refund, a voucher for a free flight, and an apology letter signed by the CEO.

Steinbrenner:We're going to put up a big dome over the city. It'll keep the terrorists out, and it'll keep the rain out too.

George:How does a dome keep terrorists out?

Steinbrenner:They can't get in! It's a dome!

Jerry:You know, there's a limit to how much pizza can evolve. I mean, stuffed crust? That's not innovation, that's just putting something inside something else. Next thing you know they'll have pizza with a toy inside it.

Kramer:Yeah, I got a spot. It's perfect. I take the ferry over, it's like a commute. I'm dealing with rush hour traffic, ferry traffic, you know, the usual stuff.

Hal:So you and Elaine...?

Kramer:Yeah.

Hal:When?

Kramer:Oh, a few times.

Kramer:The river, it's like a natural spa. The pollution, it adds minerals to the water. Makes you taller.

Bomb Squad Leader:We're ready to detonate on your command.

George:Wait, wait, wait. That's my desk. My desk!

Bomb Squad Leader:Sir, we have to proceed. It's a safety hazard.

George:A hazard? It's a fort. A fort I built myself.

Bomb Squad Leader:Detonating in 3... 2... 1...

Jerry:Can't you just put everything back the way it was?

Conrad:The way it was? Jerry, you've changed your mind four times in the last hour. First you wanted the couch facing the window, then you wanted it by the door, then you wanted it in the corner, and now you want it back where it started.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

Conrad:The problem is I'm not a mind reader! I'm a furniture mover, not a psychic!

Elaine:Help! Help! I'm trapped under this mattress!

Kramer:What happened?

Elaine:I was trying to flip it and it came down on top of me. And it smells like a dirty gym sock!

Kramer:I told my chiropractor about the benefits of swimming in the river.

Chiropractor:Now I'm recommending polluted water to all my patients.

Kramer:Yeah, I saw him go under three times.

Jerry:Three times?

Kramer:Yeah, they say the third time's the charm.

Steinbrenner:Those Twinkies have been here since the Johnson administration. We're gonna need the bomb squad to defuse them.

Steinbrenner:From now on, no more desks in this office. Everybody works standing up. And anyone who sits down is fired immediately.

Steinbrenner:We're also installing metal detectors at every entrance. And I want security dogs sniffing every piece of furniture that comes through that door.

Steinbrenner:And no more packages! If someone wants to send you something, it goes to a P.O. box five miles away. We'll have it checked by the bomb squad before you even know about it.

Kramer:Hey! Hey! This is my spot! I come here every day!

Kramer:You can't just show up and start swimming in my river!

George:Is Jerry around?

Conrad:It's not Jerry. It's Kramer.

Jerry:You know what the worst part about this whole renovation is? I spent thirty thousand dollars to get back to exactly where I started. It's like paying for a round trip to nowhere.

Jerry:I can't believe I got the non-fat yogurt. I should've gotten the regular.

Elaine:'I can't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up.'

Kramer · Jerry:'I threw my back out.' / 'So just lie down.' / 'I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress.'

Kramer:Kramer's chiropractor recommended East River swimming to all his patients, and they're now crowding Kramer's spot.

Kramer:'He just sunk like a stone, didn't he?'

Steinbrenner:The bomb squad searches for a bomb. Steinbrenner: 'Wait. What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?'

Steinbrenner · Bomb Squad:The bomb squad discovers the hidden compartments of George's desk and blows them up: 'Okay boys, let it rip.'

Steinbrenner:'I'll tell you what, starting tomorrow, no more desks. Just a Lucite table and four legs.'

George:'Hey! Hey, watch where you're kicking!' (George's voice from under the desk during the explosion)

Kramer:'You people find your own river!'

Kramer · Elaine · Hal:Kramer runs into Elaine at the river; she's there on a date with Hal. He accidentally reveals the East River situation to them.

George · Conrad:'Hey, Connie. Jerry around?' / 'No, and I prefer Conrad.'

George:'There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.' (George reflecting on the destroyed desk fort)

Jerry:'Back to normal. Not bad for 4000 bucks.'

George:'Can't believe I got the low-fat.' (final tag)