The Yada Yada

Jerry:So if you were stranded on a desert island, what five books would you bring?

George:Five? I can't even commit to one book. How about TV Guide?

Jerry:So what book are you bringing to the desert island?

George:I'm thinking Crime and Punishment.

Jerry:You've read Crime and Punishment?

George:No, but I'm saving it. You know, for the island.

Jerry:You're saving it? It's a book, not a Snickers bar.

Jerry:You know, Richard Chamberlain was in The Three Musketeers.

George:Oh really? Well, I guess I don't have to read the book now.

Jerry:You weren't going to read the book anyway.

George:No, but now I have an excuse.

George:You should have seen me in that hot tub. I was impressive.

Jerry:Impressive how?

George:I was naked.

Jerry:So how did George look?

Kramer:Like a little old man.

The dramatic medical condition was just food poisoning

Jerry:She just says 'yada yada yada' and skips over the whole thing.

George:It's like she's reading the USA Today of conversation.

Jerry:So you converted to Judaism just for the jokes?

Whatley:That's right.

Jerry:A Jewish dentist!

Whatley:Now I can tell dentist jokes!

Jerry:You converted to Judaism two days ago and you're already making Jewish jokes?

Whatley:What? I'm allowed to make them now. I'm Jewish.

Jerry:Yeah, but you can't just convert and immediately start with the stereotypes. You have to earn that right.

Whatley:Come on, it's harmless. Besides, have you seen me at the gym lately? Because I haven't.

Elaine:My father drank. He drank a lot. So when I see someone who drinks, I don't judge them.

Jerry:I missed the whole thing! I didn't even know they were getting divorced.

Elaine:How do you not know that? It was all over the news.

Jerry:Well, I don't have the Internet at home.

Elaine:Jerry, you live in New York City. You can read a newspaper.

Jerry:I'm always behind on things. I'm a late guy.

Jerry:You know what I think? I think babies are just a way to keep a bad marriage together. It's like a home renovation project, except the project cries and poops.

Kramer:So who looks better?

Mickey:Yeah, come on, tell us.

Elaine:Well... you both look... very... nice.

Marcy:So I went to the salon, yada yada yada, and I got a free haircut and manicure!

George:Yada yada yada? You can't just yada yada yada over the best part!

Marcy:What? It's not important.

Elaine:Not important? How did you get free services?

Marcy:Yada yada yada.

George:We're very close. We yada yada yada the whole thing.

Marcy:You yada yada'd your parents?

George:Yada yada yada.

Kramer:This shirt is 100% cotton.

Kramer:Well, 100% cotton and wool.

Kramer:I wore it first, so I get to wear it better.

Mickey:That doesn't make any sense.

Kramer:It makes perfect sense. Finders keepers.

Kramer:So I'm thinking about getting into the stock market.

Mickey:Stock market? I own three horses.

Kramer:Three horses? I'm taking flying lessons.

Mickey:Flying lessons? I have a place in the Hamptons.

Kramer:The Hamptons? I'm dating a Brazilian model.

Mickey:Brazilian model? I invented a new kind of pizza.

Kramer:A new kind of pizza? I've been to space.

Kramer:I love merlot.

Mickey:I love merlot!

Kramer:I LOVE merlot!

Mickey:I LOVE MERLOT!

Waiter:We don't have any merlot.

Elaine:He's so rude! At the movies, he won't move his legs, he kicks them up on the seat in front of him. He talks during the entire film. And he eats popcorn so loudly I can't hear the dialogue!

Elaine:...

Elaine:But you know what? He's great with kids!

Whatley:You know, I've been thinking about converting to Judaism. I love the food, I love the people, I love the culture. But I gotta tell you, I'm having second thoughts about the circumcision thing.

Jerry:You're not getting circumcised.

Whatley:Why not?

Jerry:Because you're a liar! You don't want to convert to Judaism. You just want the jokes!

Whatley:You know, the Jewish people have a long tradition of joke-telling. It goes back thousands of years.

Jerry:Actually, I think you mean hundreds of years.

Whatley:No, no, thousands. Definitely thousands.

Jerry:Whatley, it's hundreds of years.

Whatley:Oh! Hundreds! Well, that makes sense. Thank you for the correction!

Whatley:So I'm converting to Judaism. I'm going to become a Jewish dentist.

Jerry:A Jewish dentist?

Whatley:Yes, I'm going to open up a practice on the Upper West Side. I'll have a little sign outside: 'Whatley, D.D.S.' And underneath it, in smaller letters: 'Oy vey, is your mouth a mess!'

Jerry:He's not even a real dentist! The whole thing is a scam. He converted to Judaism just for the jokes!

George:You're crazy. Nobody converts religions for comedy material.

Jerry:Oh no? Then why would a guy suddenly become Jewish right after I start dating his daughter? The timing is too perfect.

Kramer:Well, maybe he's genuinely exploring his spiritual side.

Jerry:Kramer, the man told a Jewish joke at his own conversion ceremony. A Jewish joke! Who does that?

George:That's actually pretty funny though.

Jerry:That's what he's counting on!

Kramer:After you.

Mickey:What are you doing? You're supposed to go first!

Kramer:I'm being a gentleman.

Mickey:Well, save it for somebody who appreciates it!

Kramer:She's not my type.

Mickey:Not your type? Look at your track record, buddy. You've gone out with every type there is.

George:We were engaged, yada yada yada, now we're not.

Kramer:Kramer answers the phone: 'Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?' / 'Yes.'

Elaine:I told them about Arnie's anger problem, but I used yada yada yada to get past it.

Whatley:Hello, Father. What can I do for you?

Priest:I'm having some trouble with my teeth.

Whatley:So a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a dental office. The priest says to me, 'Whatley, I've got a tooth that's been killing me.' I say, 'Which one?' He points to it. I grab my pliers, I give it a yank, out it comes. He says, 'Thank you, Jesus Christ!' I say, 'You're welcome!' Next, the minister comes in, same thing. I pull the tooth, he says, 'Thank you, Jesus Christ!' I say, 'You're welcome!' Then the rabbi comes in. Same thing, I pull the tooth. He says, 'Oy, that's better.' I say, 'You're welcome.' He says, 'No, I'm not thanking you, I'm thanking God!' I say, 'What am I, chopped liver?'

Kramer:They don't even know which is which

Jerry:So the Pope is on a boat with Raquel Welch, and the boat starts to sink. The Pope says, 'Save the boys!' And Whatley goes, 'What boys? All I see are buoys!'

Jerry:I think he's doing it to tell jokes. Yeah, I think that's the whole thing. He's not really converting. He's just doing it for the jokes.

Jerry:And if I'm right, this guy is gonna milk that for all it's worth. He's gonna be working every room, every party, every gathering. 'Did you hear the one about the Jewish guy who goes into a bar?' He's got 25 years of material backed up.

Jerry:Who skips over sex in a story?

Elaine:I do it all the time.

Jerry:You skipped the most important part!

Elaine:What? The lobster bisque was incredible!

Tim Whatley · Father Curtis:Whatley to the priest: 'Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me. Did ya hear the one about the pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat?' — while the priest is in the dental chair

Father Curtis:You're not offended by Jewish jokes, are you? Being Jewish and all?

Jerry:No, no. I'm not offended as a Jew. I'm offended as a comedian. Those jokes aren't funny.

Jerry:Father Curtis, I've got to tell you something. I went to the dentist the other day, right? And I'm sitting in the waiting room, and I'm looking at all these magazines. And I'm thinking, who reads these magazines? Who are these people?

Father Curtis:What do you mean?

Jerry:Well, they're all from like 1987. Nobody's reading a magazine from 1987. And yet, somehow, they're still there. It's like a time capsule, but nobody wants to open it.

Elaine:So I'm in the adoption interview, right? And they ask me about my background, and I'm like, yada yada yada, grew up in Baltimore, yada yada yada, went to college, yada yada yada, and somehow I ended up here. They seemed satisfied with that.

Elaine:Well, I may have mentioned that you have a little bit of a temper.

Jerry:So you're finished?

Whatley:All done. You're all set.

Jerry:Great. So, uh, what do I owe you?

Whatley:That'll be $1,200.

Jerry:$1,200?! For what?

Whatley:Well, I had to give you a root canal, build up the tooth, and put a crown on it.

Jerry:A crown? Like the King of England?

Whatley:Yes.

Jerry:Well, maybe you should bill the King of England.

Whatley:You know what? You're right. I think I will. And while I'm at it, I'm going to pull out all your other teeth and make you a complete set of dentures.

Jerry:You wouldn't dare.

Whatley:Try me.

Whatley:You know, we're the only group that doesn't have a telethon. I mean, we have Jerry Lewis doing the MDA thing, but we don't have our own.

Jerry:Why would dentists need a telethon?

Whatley:Because we're an oppressed people! It's not easy being a dentist.

Whatley:Did you know that more dentists commit suicide than any other profession?

Jerry:Is that so?

Whatley:Yeah, it's a statistic.

Jerry:Well, I don't know... I mean, you're a dentist. You seem pretty happy.

Whatley:I am happy.

Jerry:So what, you're just doing it for the statistical average? You're bringing down the whole profession?

Jerry:It's a small world.

Kramer:It really is.

Jerry:Why do dentists have to be so touchy? They're always in your face, asking questions while they've got their hands in your mouth.

Kramer:Jerry, that's not fair. Dentists are just doing their job.

Jerry:I know, but there's something about the way they hover over you. It's invasive.

Kramer:You know what you sound like? A bigot.

Jerry:A bigot? I'm talking about dentists!

Kramer:Exactly. Dentist-ism. It's a real problem.

Kramer:You're anti-dentite!

Jerry:I'm not anti-dentite!

Kramer:You said it yourself. You said dentists are always trying to give you unnecessary work.

Jerry:That's not anti-dentite, I have a problem with dentists and their unnecessary work.

Kramer:Oh, and I suppose if I said the same thing about Jews, I'd be anti-Semitic?

Jerry:Yes.

Kramer:Well, I hate the dentist. So what am I, anti-dentite?

Kramer:It starts with not trusting them. Then you move to not liking them. And then it's full-on hatred.

Jerry:Yeah, but Kramer, there are dental schools.

Elaine:You know, there's a fun way to do this and there's a not fun way to do this.

Adoption Agent:What do you mean?

Elaine:Well, the fun way is you give the baby to Beth and Arnie. The not fun way... well, let's just say you don't want to find out.

George:She was arrested.

George:She'll be back in three to five years.

Dr. Abbott:I heard you made some anti-dentite remarks.

Jerry:Well, I was just joking around.

Dr. Abbott:Professional courtesy is the only thing preventing me from punching you in the mouth right now.

Jerry:A dentist is just a doctor who couldn't cut it in medical school. He's like, 'I wanted to be a real doctor, but I couldn't hack it, so I'll just look in people's mouths all day.'

Jerry:I hate dentists. They're all anti-Semites.

Kramer:No, no, no. Dentists aren't anti-Semites. They're anti-dentites.

Jerry:Anti-dentites?

Kramer:Yeah, they're people who hate dentists. And it's not just dentists - it's the whole dental industry. Hygienists, orthodontists, the people who make those little metal scrapers... I'm anti-dentite.

Jerry:So what, you're gonna start discriminating against an entire group of people?

Kramer:Well, if we're gonna do this, we might as well throw in the Poles and the Puerto Ricans.

Jerry:So what happened with Beth at the wedding?

Elaine:Oh, she found out her husband was cheating on her.

Jerry:At the wedding?

Elaine:Yeah, she saw a text message on his phone.

Jerry:What did she do?

Elaine:She threw her bouquet at him and walked out in her wedding dress.

Jerry:In the wedding dress?

Elaine:She didn't even change! She just left. Heels, veil, everything.

Minister:Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... yada yada yada... do you take this woman to be your wife?

Jerry:So, Beth, I heard about you and your husband. That's too bad.

Beth:Yeah, well, these things happen.

Jerry:You know, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm a very good listener.

Beth:That's sweet.

Jerry:And if you need more than that... I'm available.

Father Curtis:Father Curtis: 'That's funny.' — beat — then excuses himself

Jerry · Tim Whatley:Whatley confronts Jerry: 'Well, what about all your Jewish jokes?' / Jerry: 'I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist.' / Whatley: 'You have no idea what my people have been through.' / Jerry: 'The Jews?' / Whatley: 'No, the dentists.'

Tim Whatley · Jerry:Whatley: 'We have the highest suicide rate of any profession.' / Jerry: 'Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer on Karen: 'Her parents are little people.' / Jerry: 'Oh, small world.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'Those people can be so touchy.' / Kramer: '"Those people." Listen to yourself.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream.' / Jerry: 'Whatley's from Jersey.' / Kramer: 'Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.' / Jerry: 'Kramer, he's just a dentist.' / Kramer: 'Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.'

Kramer · Jerry:Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American. / Kramer, he's just a dentist. / Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'You're a rabid anti-dentite. Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty." Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.' / Jerry: 'They do have their own schools.' / Kramer: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah!'

Elaine:Elaine at the adoption agency: 'One little baby, whatever you have in stock.' / 'Miss Benes, please.' / 'Lookit, lookit, Brian. These people are getting a baby, period. Now, we can do this the easy way, or... the fun way.'

George · Beth:George trying to comfort Beth about her marriage while slowly steering toward asking her out: 'The important thing is you're moving on.' / 'Let's just focus on us.' / 'Come on, big hug.'

Mickey · George · Beth:Mickey barges in with exciting news: 'Karen and I are getting married.' / George: 'Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.' / Mickey: 'How many is that for you?' / 'Two.' / Mickey: 'Heh-heh, you're a lightweight. Come on, honey.'

George:George and Beth at the church: 'This church give you any ideas?'

Jerry:Jerry discovers George is at the church with Beth. Beth and Arnie have broken up. 'So they don't want a baby?' — Jerry's immediate concern is the adoption, not the breakup

Jerry:Jerry: 'I think I'm gonna be sick.' — after realizing the full implications (Elaine forced the adoption, Beth and Arnie split, the adoption is now pointless)

George:George: 'She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, uh, yada, yada, yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.'

Kramer:Kramer refuses to sit next to Jerry at the wedding: 'I'd just as soon not sit next to you.'

Kramer:Kramer sees Mickey's little-people parents: 'Oh, look, there's Mickey and his parents. Oh, a nice-looking family. Very handsome.'

Kramer · Mickey's Parent:Kramer to Mickey's parents: 'We never thought he'd settle down.' / Parent: 'Well, not again.'

Dr. Abbott · Jerry:Jerry confronted at the wedding by Dr. Abbott, D.D.S.: 'Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard.'

George · Jerry:Jerry to George: 'I said something about dentists, and it got blown all out of proportion.' / George: 'Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?' / 'What?' / 'A dentist.' / Jerry: 'That's a good one.' / '...Dentists.' / 'Yeah, who needs 'em?' / George: 'Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.'

Unknown:Unknown character at the wedding: 'Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.'

George · Jerry:Jerry: 'Where's Beth?' / George: 'She ran out to get her head shaved.'

Minister:The minister at the wedding: 'Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly. Yada, yada, yada. I pronounce you man and wife.'

Minister/Officiant:Yada yada yada. I pronounce you man and wife.

George:George, alone in the church pew after Beth ran off: 'I really wanted you.'