Slavery Reparations

Dave Chappelle:Well, I'm a comedian, I travel a lot, and needless to say... I get horny out there. I'm a chronic masturbator.

Dave Chappelle:I tried whacking off with my PC, but I felt like it was just too much clickity-clack, clickity-clack. With my Mac, I mean, the video resolution is so clear, I can see parts of the vagina that I didn't even know existed.

Dave Chappelle:I don't know what they make the keys out of, but whatever it is, it's non-stick.

Dave Chappelle:Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with.

Dave Chappelle:Man, I'm glad that we're not cancelled yet.

Dave Chappelle:The topic was 'angry white men.' So they said, 'well, let's get Dave Chappelle for that.'

Dave Chappelle:(imitating nasally) 'He's an affirmative action hire.' That's a lot better than saying, 'hey, that nigga's homeless'. I'd much rather be called 'an affirmative action hire' than 'broke and unemployed'.

Dave Chappelle:I was, like, 'should I just choke somebody, or...?'

Dave Chappelle:'Forced.' Oh, you mean, like, 'slavery forced'? Remember that thing where you forced us to work, huh? What did you think? Black people was, like, 'no problem, boss, I'd love to!'

Dave Chappelle:Not only am I for affirmative action, I will take it a step further... I want my reparations for slavery. [audience erupts]

Dave Chappelle:You can't just give black people all this money and turn them loose on the streets. That could be a potential disaster.

Chuck Taylor:Good afternoon, I'm Chuck Taylor. Frank Dobson died last night in his sleep.

Reparations Check Woman:Hide the money, y'all! There's poor people 'round. (laughs loudly) With your broke ass!

Reporter Wendy · Janitor Man:Sir, now that you've got your check, do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck? / Truck driver? I ain't no truck driver, I'm a janitor. / Janitor? / That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash.

Janitor Man:Now, I got enough cigarettes to last me and my family for the rest of our lives.

Janitor Man:I'm rich, biatch!

Chuck Taylor · Reporter Wendy:Wait, Wendy, let me get this straight. Why aren't there any banks in the ghetto? / Well, Chuck, that's because banks hate black people, but I think that's about to change.

Chuck Taylor:Hot damn almighty, I bet you're right.

Financial Correspondent Michael:Sprint stock has skyrocketed after the news that two million delinquent phone bills have been paid just this morning.

Financial Correspondent Michael:Oil has dropped to $1.50 a barrel, while chicken shot to $600 a bucket.

Financial Correspondent Michael:However, watermelon is surprisingly flat, defying many analysts out there.

Financial Correspondent Michael:8,000 record labels have been started in the last hour.

Financial Correspondent Michael:Cadillac announced that they sold three million Escalade trucks this afternoon alone.

Financial Correspondent Michael:These people just seem to be breaking their necks to give this money right back to us.

Chuck Taylor:The recession is now officially over, and we have nobody to thank but all these black people, with their taste for expensive clothes, fancy cars, and, of course, gaudy jewelry.

Financial Correspondent Michael:Fubu is now the world's largest corporation after merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Chuck Taylor:Flabbergasting, a truly wild day that none of us will ever forget, no matter how hard we try.

Chuck Taylor:The crime rate has fallen to 0%. How could that be? Did the Mexicans get money today too?

Dave Chappelle:I shouldn't have said that. Listen, I think we'll be all right. Mexicans don't watch the news. Now, if this was Telemundo... (laughing) A-hotchy-cotchy hotchy-cotchy.

Dave Chappelle:Man, I'm bored. I gotta go to the Chappelle show.

Dave Chappelle:A secret 1986 document from a major tobacco company contains the following passage: 'Cigarette smoking can result in feelings of euphoria, increased alertness, rises in short-term memory, and can have a calming effect on nerves.'

Dave Chappelle:And, you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex with multiple partners, either.

Dave Chappelle:Hey, Scooter, you trying to get some of this? Come on, dog, look how cool I look. I was talking 'bout the cigarettes, but come on in!

Dave Chappelle:I've been looking around from the back, scoping out the ladies... you know what I like about ladies the most, like, when I look at how beautiful they are? Their titties.

Dave Chappelle:Especially, in the summertime, when y'all girls in New York be, like, taking 'em out on that parade before you pack them away for the winter.

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle sets up an elaborate premise that he has devised a way to compliment women on their breasts without making them angry, and has tested it.

Lyle (Chappelle):Hi, everybody, I'm Lyle, standing in New York City, boob capital of North America, looking for great New York boobs.

Lyle (Chappelle):Please, don't run. Boy, she had some sweet New York boobs.

Joe Rogan · Woman:Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor appears and says 'You have great New York boobs.' / 'Are we talking C cups? D cups, perhaps?' / 'Yes, C, C cups.' / 'Well, I'd drink from those C cups any day.'

Lyle (Chappelle):They rest on my arm like an eagle on a perch.

Lyle (Chappelle) · Dave Chappelle:Br-br-br-bromsky. (Chappelle) Please, don't run, they're busy.

Joe Rogan · Woman · Father:That's my dad, man. Well, sir... you have fabulous genetics. That's all I can tell you because you helped make a great set of New York boobs.

Woman · Joe Rogan:That's my dad, man. Well, sir... you have fabulous genetics. That's all I can tell you because you helped make a great set of New York boobs.

Dave Chappelle:Man, what the fu... is this?

Chuck Taylor:In sports, the Philadelphia 76ers took on the New York Knicks, but since none of the black players showed up, Todd Macculloch ended up playing one-on-one with Travis Knight. Macculloch had 75 points, beating Knight by 7.

Chuck Taylor:After the game, Macculloch said that he was hurt that none of the black players showed up, but upbeat because he, quote, finally, feels like he has a big penis. Welcome to the club, buddy, the big penis club.

Chuck Taylor:Bill Gates has been overtaken. 'By whom,' you ask? A Harlem resident named simply... Tron.

Tron:Hot hand in a dice game, baby girl. Six hours straight, talking 'bout, clackity, clackity, clackity clack! Now, you looking at the world's richest man, and I'm black. Kiss my black ass, America!

Reporter Stephanie · Tron:What are you going to do with all this money? / Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money into the community. / Oh, that's a very nice gesture, what will you... / Psych!

Reporter Stephanie · Tron:Okay, is that your son? / No, no, I just bought this baby cash.

Tron:I'm gonna spend this money before y'all honkeys change your minds.

Tron · Reporter Stephanie · Chuck Taylor:Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl. What do you say about a little lap dance for the world's richest man? / Oh, well, if you put it that way... / Chuck, back to you in the studio. / Thank you, Stephanie. / Chuck! / In other news... / Suck my... / We, um, we seem to have lost the feed.

Chuck Taylor:Here with the weather is our old pal, reliable, friendly, portly... Big Al.

Big Al:(nasal) Happy Reparations Day, Happy Juneteenth. Just kidding.

Big Al / Alton Sims:This is not my real speaking voice. (deep and throaty) Actually, Chuck, this my real speaking voice. I talk like straight-up gangster, bitch. My name ain't Big Al, it's Alton Sims, okay?

Big Al / Alton Sims:Oh, I don't know, Chuck. Why don't we take a look at my tri-state area map, which looks a lot like my big fat ass.

Big Al / Alton Sims:Okay, here we have Connecticut. All the white folks drive down 95 and go straight into the Holland Tunnel.

Big Al / Alton Sims · Chuck Taylor:Uh-oh, look out, here comes a big brown truck. Wait a minute, that ain't no truck! (farting) My God, Big Al, that's disgusting!

Big Al / Alton Sims · Chuck Taylor:I'm paid. I'm paid. I'm paid in the shade. (mouthing rhythm) / Is that 'beat boxing?' / You old, pasty bastard.

Big Al / Alton Sims:Look at you, Chuck, you look sick, man. You look like you just walked up from ground zero.

Big Al / Alton Sims:This job sucks, kiss the rings, bitch. I'm out.

Chuck Taylor:Incredible, I'm receiving word that Colin Powell has just bitch-slapped Vice President Dick Cheney.

Chuck Taylor:White people, run for cover, we'll be right back.

Dave Chappelle:Kiss the rings, bitch! (during commercial break outro)

Dave Chappelle:Everybody at home, I hope you're at home making your butt clap-clap clap-clap clap.

Dave Chappelle:(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch! (horn honking)

Dave Chappelle · Audience Member:What is your personal feelings on reparations? There should be some type of reparation... Money, okay? / I feel the same way, but I'd like the land, though. / You want the land, not the money? / Yeah. / You know you can buy land with money, don't you?

Dave Chappelle · Audience member:What is your personal feelings on reparations? There should be some type of reparation... Money, okay? I feel the same way, but I'd like the land, though. You want the land, not the money? Yeah. You know you can buy land with money, don't you? [laughing]

Audience Member:I'll beat the (bleep) out of one of you (bleep). Heh-heh-heh-hey, that's right. You didn't think a fat (bleep) like me could throw combinations, I'm from the streets. Respect mine.