Chuck Taylor

Chuck Taylor:Good afternoon, I'm Chuck Taylor. Frank Dobson died last night in his sleep.

Chuck Taylor · Reporter Wendy:Wait, Wendy, let me get this straight. Why aren't there any banks in the ghetto? / Well, Chuck, that's because banks hate black people, but I think that's about to change.

Chuck Taylor:Hot damn almighty, I bet you're right.

Chuck Taylor:The recession is now officially over, and we have nobody to thank but all these black people, with their taste for expensive clothes, fancy cars, and, of course, gaudy jewelry.

Chuck Taylor:Flabbergasting, a truly wild day that none of us will ever forget, no matter how hard we try.

Chuck Taylor:The crime rate has fallen to 0%. How could that be? Did the Mexicans get money today too?

Chuck Taylor:In sports, the Philadelphia 76ers took on the New York Knicks, but since none of the black players showed up, Todd Macculloch ended up playing one-on-one with Travis Knight. Macculloch had 75 points, beating Knight by 7.

Chuck Taylor:After the game, Macculloch said that he was hurt that none of the black players showed up, but upbeat because he, quote, finally, feels like he has a big penis. Welcome to the club, buddy, the big penis club.

Chuck Taylor:Bill Gates has been overtaken. 'By whom,' you ask? A Harlem resident named simply... Tron.

Tron · Reporter Stephanie · Chuck Taylor:Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl. What do you say about a little lap dance for the world's richest man? / Oh, well, if you put it that way... / Chuck, back to you in the studio. / Thank you, Stephanie. / Chuck! / In other news... / Suck my... / We, um, we seem to have lost the feed.

Chuck Taylor:Here with the weather is our old pal, reliable, friendly, portly... Big Al.

Big Al / Alton Sims · Chuck Taylor:Uh-oh, look out, here comes a big brown truck. Wait a minute, that ain't no truck! (farting) My God, Big Al, that's disgusting!

Big Al / Alton Sims · Chuck Taylor:I'm paid. I'm paid. I'm paid in the shade. (mouthing rhythm) / Is that 'beat boxing?' / You old, pasty bastard.

Chuck Taylor:Incredible, I'm receiving word that Colin Powell has just bitch-slapped Vice President Dick Cheney.

Chuck Taylor:White people, run for cover, we'll be right back.

Chuck Taylor:News anchor's lead: 'Outrage throughout the community as yet another sex scandal involving boys and men of authority. Who is it this time? Jedi knights in a galaxy far, far away.'

Chuck Taylor:The Jedi Council 'knew about it all along, in some cases, encouraging the abuse' — precise mirroring of Catholic Church institutional cover-up language

Chuck Taylor:'the Jedi Council knew about it all along, in some cases, encouraging the abuse'

Yoda · Chuck Taylor:The tape footage rolls — a Yoda puppet clearly molesting a Luke Skywalker figure — played completely straight as news footage

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor, after rolling the tape: 'Appalling Yoda's behavior was. Damn it! Now that freak has me talking like him.'

Chuck Taylor · Former Jedi Victim:Interviewer: 'Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?' Victim: 'I don't even know anymore!'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor offers comfort — 'Son, I know this is difficult for you, but... could you show me on the doll where he touched you?'

Chuck Taylor:'could you show me on the doll where he touched you? Point it out.'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor is so disturbed by what he sees that he screams at his cameraman: 'Can we cut tape? Miguel, you heard the man. Cut the goddamn tape! Just cut it!'

Former Jedi Victim · Chuck Taylor:Victim, sobbing: 'I was just young and curious.' — and the anchor sighs and delivers his wrap-up: 'We may never know what really happened'

Angry Young Geek · Chuck Taylor:A Star Trek fan interjects to defend the Federation: 'This never would've happened in the world of Star Trek 'cause the fleet commanders would not have allowed...' — anchor: 'you can't prove that!'

Chuck Taylor:Anchor closes the segment with a tease: 'When we come back... gay droid marriage, should it be legalized? This queer couple says yes.'

Chuck Taylor · Method Man Victim:Hip-Hop Newsbreak: Anchor Chuck Taylor reads Method Man assault victim's account in straight news format: 'First he put my nuts on the dresser... and then he banged them shits with a spiked bat'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor: 'This all took place in the slums of Shaolin. There was the RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Inspectah Deck, and of course, the Method Man' — listing all Wu-Tang members as witnesses/accomplices

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor describing Method Man putting a coat hanger on the stove for 40 minutes then 'stuck it in his ass real slow. Like, sss...' — the anchor makes the sizzling sound effect

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor: 'At this point, Method Man is still at large, so stay tuned to News Channel 3 for this and other stories. I'm Chuck Taylor.'