The Lost Episodes: Part 1

Announcer:The host announces Dave Chappelle isn't coming; 'Let's start the show' after a beat of silence

Announcer:Going once... going twice... Fuck it. Ladies and gentlemen, Donnell Rawlings and Charlie Murphy!

Charlie Murphy:Charlie Murphy: 'Charlie Murphy is not mad at Dave Chappelle. 'Cause if it wasn't for Dave Chappelle, you motherfuckers would still be calling me Eddie Murphy's brother.'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell Rawlings cuts off Charlie mid-speech: 'Nigga, speak for yourself. I need all the camera time I can get, nigga! I'm goin' ass to the glass!'

Dave Chappelle · 106 & Park Host:The sketch setup: Dave on 106 & Park (BET's music video show) downplaying his wealth while a TV in the background announces he just got $55 million.

Dave Chappelle · Barber:Dave is at a barber telling the barber he 'does all right, nothin' to write home about' on cable — immediately cut away to a news report saying he received $55 million

Barber · Dave Chappelle:Barber changes price from $8 to $11,000 the moment Dave is outed as having $55 million

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'All right. But for $11,000... shave my balls then, nigga. Come on, get to cuttin.'

Mechanic · Dave Chappelle:Car mechanic changes $28 price to $873 — same 'that's the old price' excuse

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'You think that's the first time I had a gun put in my face? Nigga, that's the sixth time this has happened this week.'

Dave Chappelle · Bodyguard/IRS Agent:IRS agents reveal themselves; bodyguard turns out to be IRS plant; Dave: 'I pay you $4,000 a week to hold me down, nigga. Hold me down!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave fires the bodyguard while IRS agents are still present with guns drawn; 'You know what, dude? You fuckin' fired.'

Dave Chappelle · IRS Agent · Bodyguard:Dave threatens the IRS agent: 'When you get out of here, you're in trouble, Jack.' The dying man's response: 'You just gonna let him threaten me like that?'

IRS Agent:IRS agent is shot; dying speech: 'Money... the root of all evil. The IRS pulled the trigger, but your greed did this to me, Dave.'

IRS Agent:Dying agent: 'You didn't have to do two more seasons no matter how good the show is. They're only gonna say it's not as good as last year was.'

IRS Agent · Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'You know what the key to keeping the show fresh is?' — dying agent leans in — 'You gotta...' — dies mid-sentence

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell's 'ka-ching moment': learning Dave went to Africa, he yells 'That mother— I'm broke, bitch!'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell reacts to learning Dave went to Africa: 'Africa Africa?' followed by 'That mother—' cut to Donnell screaming 'I'm broke, bitch!'

Chuck Taylor · Method Man Victim:Hip-Hop Newsbreak: Anchor Chuck Taylor reads Method Man assault victim's account in straight news format: 'First he put my nuts on the dresser... and then he banged them shits with a spiked bat'

Victim:Victim continues: 'And then he sewed my asshole shut. Kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me!'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor: 'This all took place in the slums of Shaolin. There was the RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Inspectah Deck, and of course, the Method Man' — listing all Wu-Tang members as witnesses/accomplices

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor describing Method Man putting a coat hanger on the stove for 40 minutes then 'stuck it in his ass real slow. Like, sss...' — the anchor makes the sizzling sound effect

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor: 'At this point, Method Man is still at large, so stay tuned to News Channel 3 for this and other stories. I'm Chuck Taylor.'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell: '$50 million out of nowhere — would you use it to get revenge on somebody? Dave Chappelle felt the same way.' Premise setup for revenge sketch

Dave Chappelle · Oscar:Dave shows up at ex-girlfriend's house with bodyguards, looking extremely wealthy; her son answers the door, Dave asks where his father works: 'He works at the doughnut shop on Roscoe Boulevard.' Dave: 'Sounds lucrative.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave reveals ex cheated on him 'with Jamal, of all people' on the night he asked her to marry him — and this gave him 'trust issues I struggle with to this very day'

Shonda:Ex: 'The good news is, Jamal and I are still together, and he's legit now.'

Dave Chappelle · Shonda:Dave proposes to ex — 'I want you to marry me' — then when she hesitates about his wife, he dismisses his wife with 'Her? It's over between us.' and her husband with 'What about him? Leave him. You don't need his doughnut shop money, I got you.'

Dave Chappelle · Dave's Wife · Dave's Son:Dave reveals the engagement was a setup: 'This is my wife and my son! Girl, I didn't get no divorce — we're happy as hell!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave reveals the setup: 'This my wife and my son! Girl, I didn't get no divorce — we're happy as hell!'

Dave Chappelle · Shonda:Dave: 'Why did you do this to me?' — 'Cause I'm petty and lucky for me, my family's petty too.'

Dave's Wife · Dave's Son:Dave's wife and son mock Shonda's squirrel skin coat: 'Nice shoes.' / 'Look at that squirrel skin coat. Get that coat some peanuts.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'Let's go to the amusement park. I don't know about you, but I want some doughnuts.'

Dave Chappelle:The family leaves to the amusement park, specifically calling out: 'I don't know about you, but I want some doughnuts.'

Dave's Son:Dave's son: 'How many squirrels must die for you to look fly?'

Dave Chappelle:Dave drives away, rolls window down: 'Hey Shonda — I'm rich, bitch!'

Dave Chappelle · Steve:Dave arrives at Steve's club for revenge; describes having gasoline with him to burn it down, then apologizes: 'You don't smell that gas?'

Dave Chappelle:The Super Bowl ad: 'Hey, I'm Dave Chappelle, and I'm here to say a few words about America's premiere casting agent. Of course I'm talking about Jerry Jacobs. She sucks ass!'

Dave Chappelle · Jerry Jacobs:Ad claims Jerry called Dave 'a nigga' on the set of Jungle Fever. Jerry: 'I never said that.' Ad: 'Kiss my black ass, Jerry. Two times!' followed by another person giving Dave dap.

Dave Chappelle · Jerry Jacobs:Ad outro: 'You can see more of Jerry in this month's Cameltoe Magazine.' Jerry: 'Oh, my God, Jerry.' Dave: 'Got some bad news for you. You're fuckin' done, son! It's over.' ¶ A moment like this ¶

Steve · Dave Chappelle:Steve the club owner reveals he's in a wheelchair from a bad car accident 'not long after you left here.' Then: 'Jay Rizzo — you remember him? He's in a wheelchair too.'

Dave Chappelle · Steve:Steve gives heartfelt apology; Dave gets emotional, says the apology lifts weight off his shoulders — then reveals: 'Thank you. Thank you for making this that much sweeter, you son of a bitch.'

Dave Chappelle · Steve:Dave pushes Steve (in a wheelchair) down the stairs; Steve: 'Hey, hey! What the fuck, man? Not the stairs, man!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave looks down at Steve (who just tumbled down the stairs) and says: 'Oh, I love it when a plan comes together.'

Dave Chappelle:After intense revenge sketch, Dave plays with a baby backstage; baby is cute; Dave: 'Oh! That little motherfucker, bye!'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell setup for Tupac sketch: 'You ever been in the club and a new Tupac record comes out? It's — he's living!'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell: 'I saw Tupac on 42nd Street selling Biggie t-shirts two for $10, man.'

Donnell Rawlings:Donnell: 'Let's just say his lyrics were a little bit before their time.' Sets up the fake Tupac track.

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac's 'new' song casually drops 'from Skytel to BlackBerry pagers' and 'Run up in your spot like C.J. from San Andreas' — modern references in a song claimed to be from 1994

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac song: '...better choke him 'cause he's a snitch / I'm talking about George W. Smith / from City Council / he ran in '93 out in Oakland / you probably didn't hear about him'

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac mid-song: '¶ how am I doing this? ¶'

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac raps about a specific girl in the club whose miniskirt doesn't match her shirt, and there's 'a pudding stain on the back — what the fuck is that? It might be doo-doo'

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac directly addresses someone at a table: 'You in the back, you ain't shit / you bought a gin and tonic but you didn't even tip / and if you hit this table one more time the record might skip'

Fake Tupac:Fake Tupac: '¶ Dave Chappelle / that ain't your wife / damn, man, go back to your kids / go home ¶'

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac: '¶ that ain't your wife / damn, man, go back to your kids ¶' — addressing Dave Chappelle specifically by name in the song

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac: '¶ way before beanie sigel had to do a bid / way before Dave Chappelle had two kids / don't give him no hoochie ¶'

Tupac (Impersonator):Tupac ends song: '¶ Tupac is raw / I wrote this rhyme in 1994 / I'm not alive ¶'

Donnell Rawlings · Fake Tupac:After the fake Tupac song ends, Donnell says 'Tupac, rest in peace.' Beat. Tupac: '¶ okay, I will ¶'

Donnell Rawlings · Tupac (Impersonator):Donnell: 'Tupac, rest in peace.' — Song responds: '¶ okay, I will ¶'

Charlie Murphy:Outtake/blooper: Charlie Murphy attempting to film the Method Man newscast victim testimony, cracking up before finishing 'method man put a hanger on the stove.'