The Lost Episodes: Part 1

Announcer:Dave chappelle, going once... Dave chappelle, going twice... Fuck it. Ladies and gentlemen... Put your hands together for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!

Charlie Murphy:But I want y'all to know somethin'. Charlie Murphy is not mad at Dave chappelle. 'Cause I happen to know if it wasn't for Dave chappelle, you motherfuckers would still be calling me Eddie Murphy's brother.

Donnell Rawlings:Nigga, speak for yourself. I need all the camera time I can get, nigga! I'm goin' ass to the glass! Take a picture of me, son! Strike a pose!

Dave · Barber:Your chalkboard says $8, man. That's the old price.

Dave:All right. But for $11,000... Shave my balls then, nigga. Come on, get to cuttin'.

Dave · Mechanic:$873. Aw, come on, man, the sign say $28. That's the old price.

Dave:You think that's the first time I had a gun put in my face? Nigga, that's the sixth time this has happened this week.

Dave:I pay you $4,000 a week to hold me down, nigga. Hold me down!

Bodyguard:The irs pulled the trigger, but your greed did this to me, Dave.

Donnell Rawlings:I'm broke, bitch!

Assault Victim:First he put my nuts on the dresser. It was crazy--just my nuts. And then he banged them shits with a spiked bat, like 'bow!'

Assault Victim:And then, he sewed my asshole shut. Kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me!

Assault Victim:method man put a hanger on the stove and left it for, like, 40 minutes and then he stuck it in his ass real slow. Like, 'sss...'

Shonda:You know, David, I've been so proud of you all these years, and I want you to know that I'm really sorry about what happened between us. I mean, for Pete's sake, David, we were all just kids.

Dave:This my wife and my son! Girl, I didn't get no divorce-- we're happy as hell!

Dave:'Cause I'm petty and lucky for me, my family's petty too.

Dave's Family:Nice shoes. Oh! Hold on, hold on. Look at that squirrel skin coat. Oh!

Dave's Family:How many squirrels must die for you to look fly?

Dave:I'm rich, bitch!

Dave:She sucks ass! Eight years ago at an audition, Jerry had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have, and I'm quoting her, 'it.'

Dave:One time Jerry called me a 'nigga' on the set of jungle fever. Kiss my black ass, Jerry. Two times!

Dave:You can see more of Jerry in this month's cameltoe magazine.

Dave:You don't smell that gas? I was gonna burn your club down.

Dave:Thank you for making this that much sweeter, you son of a bitch.

Dave:Oh, I love it when a plan comes together.

Dave:That little motherfucker, bye!

Dave:I saw Tupac on 42nd street selling biggie t-shirts two for $10, man.

Tupac:what can a nigga do when half the people voted for George w. / bouncin' checks from George w. / can't be true / better choke him 'cause he's a snitch / I'm talking about George w. Smith from city council / he ran in '93 out in Oakland / you probably didn't hear about him

Tupac:how am I doing this?

Tupac:how am I doing this?

Tupac:the girl in the miniskirt has bad taste / 'cause that shirt don't match / there's a pudding stain on the back / what the fuck is that? / it might be doo-doo

Tupac:and you in the back, you ain't shit / you bought a gin and tonic, but you didn't even tip / and if you hit this table one more time / then the record might skip

Tupac:Dave chappelle / that ain't your wife / damn, man, go back to your kids

Tupac:way before Dave chappelle had two kids

Tupac:okay, I will

Dave:I'm rich, biatch!