Wu Tang Consulting Firm

Dave Chappelle:Dave opens with casual 'Good evening' to a screaming crowd, immediately undercutting the fanfare with deadpan normalcy

Dave Chappelle:The framing of late-night bar scrambling as a sporting event — 'the shot clock is running out,' 'a Great Moment in Hook-Up History'

Narrator:The narrator introduces Bobby Hutchinson as having spent the night 'trying to rush his way to pay dirt, Gina Morris' — describing a woman as a football objective

Narrator:Gina's female friends are introduced as 'left guard, Carol Deitrich, and right guard, Denisha 'Bear' Bryant' — two women with football position titles and a fearsome nickname

Narrator:'A tandem that had racked up 14 cock blocks just a year earlier'

Bobby Hutchinson · Narrator:Bobby wins Gina over with 'one of his hysterical video game references' — 'You give me Pac-Man fever' followed by gobbling sounds

Narrator:Narrator: 'Hutchinson wore down the defensive line with shots up the gut'

Bobby Hutchinson · Gina Morris · Narrator:Bobby's attempt is 'blocked' when Gina refuses to leave — but then he 'exploits the defense's biggest weakness': pizza at his place

Bobby Hutchinson · Carol Deitrich / Denisha Bryant:Bobby adds 'and some weed, too' — the second friend immediately switches from 'I don't want no pizza' to 'Weed? A'ight, yeah'

Narrator:Narrator: 'That night, Bobby and Gina had drunken sex on top of her two passed-out friends, technically making it a four-way'

Dave Chappelle:Dave breaks character to comment on the period costumes: 'I look like Turbo from Breakin'' — then reveals he got so into character that he cleaned up the set afterward and they filmed it

Dave Chappelle:Dave's setup for 'Real Movies' with the Home Alone example: 'any real robber would've shot the little dude in the first five minutes, roll credits, the end'

Neo · Morpheus:The elaborate Matrix tension sequence — Neo carefully sneaking through cubicles while Morpheus guides him — leading to a prolonged, committed parody of the original film

Neo:Neo crawls through the office and audibly farts while trying to stay silent

Neo · Earl · Morpheus (voice):Morpheus describes 'a black man sitting at a desk directly to your right' — Neo asks 'Morpheus?' — the man says 'Psyche! It's Earl, nigga, I need your stapler'

Earl · Neo:'There is a black man sitting at a desk directly to your right. Look at him.' — Neo stares, thinking it's Morpheus — 'Psyche! It's Earl, nigga, I need your stapler.'

Neo · Earl:Neo and Earl laugh and say 'Dude, you totally got me' — then Neo sees the actual agents coming

Wu-Tang Financial Announcer:Wu-Tang Financial commercial opens with a serious financial services voiceover that sounds indistinguishable from real Smith Barney ads: 'The most precious thing in the world is the financial security and well-being of your family'

Wu-Tang Consultant:'I mean, Smith Barney... bunch of bitches. Old-time farts. You gotta know how to jack this shit. You gotta play this game rough. In, out, get, grab, bonk.'

Wu-Tang Consultant:'Old-time farts. You gotta know how to jack this shit. You gotta play this game rough. In, out, get, grab, bonk.'

Wu-Tang Consultant:'You need to diversify your bonds, nigga. Military shit is blowin' up. We about to go to war, invest in some nuclear bombs.'

Wu-Tang Consultant:'This ain't Trading Places, nigga. This is real fucking life!'

Wu-Tang Consultant:'Protect your goddamn neck, a'ight?'

Wu-Tang Financial Announcer:The commercial's disclaimer: 'Unfortunately, the Ol' Dirty Bastard couldn't make it today, but he sends his regards: Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da'

Wu-Tang Financial Announcer:'Because at the end of the day, Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with'

Dave Chappelle:Dave introduces 'Real Pretty Woman' — describes the film plot: 'Julia Roberts plays a prostitute that lucks up and meets a millionaire and they fall in love'

Real Pretty Woman:The 'Real Pretty Woman' sketch: a woman narrates her path to prostitution — fast food, parking cars at wrestling, couldn't pay rent, too ashamed to go home — then: 'That's when I met Kit. She was a hooker and made it sound so great.'

Pimp:The pimp immediately rejects her: 'You've gotta get the fuck outta here' — end sketch

Dave Chappelle · Paul Mooney:Paul Mooney is introduced as the voice of 'Ask a Black Dude' — described on chyron as 'comedian, Paul Mooney'

Paul Mooney:Question about why Black men die first in movies — Paul Mooney calls out The Green Mile's protagonist as 'that happy nigga that heals all white people, the big black runaway'

Paul Mooney:Mooney pivots: 'They better be worried about what they say in white films. White films go all over the world. 'Cause I remember the Godfather... when they had the drug scene and they said, well, we don't do that, sell it to the niggers'

Paul Mooney:Mooney on The Godfather drug scene: 'we don't do that, sell it to the niggers' — 'They shoulda had somethin' to say about that.'

Paul Mooney:Question from 'Stephen King' about whether Black people prefer Black dentists and Black undertakers — Mooney: 'That's funny, Stephen King. He almost said nigger, I read between 'em.'

Paul Mooney:'Having a horror man come on and ask a question about a nigger. That was already scary.'

Paul Mooney:Mooney's Stephen King horror pitch: 'Nigger With A Brain. We'll see how that scares people. Niggers In School, how 'bout that, Stephen?'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's transition: 'This next piece is a special report on some bad sex. And I mean bad like Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.'

Chuck Taylor:News anchor's lead: 'Outrage throughout the community as yet another sex scandal involving boys and men of authority. Who is it this time? Jedi knights in a galaxy far, far away.'

Chuck Taylor:The Jedi Council 'knew about it all along, in some cases, encouraging the abuse' — precise mirroring of Catholic Church institutional cover-up language

Chuck Taylor:'the Jedi Council knew about it all along, in some cases, encouraging the abuse'

Yoda:Yoda's press conference — reporters shouting — Yoda speaks in Yoda syntax: 'Know about sex with boys, Yoda did not. Tired Yoda is. Resign he will.'

Yoda:'Tired Yoda is. Resign he will.'

Yoda:Reporter presses Yoda on 'recently uncovered tape' that implicates him in the cover-up — Yoda: 'Yoda that was not. Then who was it? Mickey Rooney, maybe?'

Yoda · Chuck Taylor:The tape footage rolls — a Yoda puppet clearly molesting a Luke Skywalker figure — played completely straight as news footage

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor, after rolling the tape: 'Appalling Yoda's behavior was. Damn it! Now that freak has me talking like him.'

Mace Windau:Mace Windau (replacing Yoda) takes the podium — clearly based on Samuel L. Jackson's character Mace Windu — reporter asks if Jedis who committed crimes deserve to die: 'Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!'

Former Jedi Victim:Former Jedi victim interview: 'My master said the force was strong in me... and gave me a wine cooler.'

Former Jedi Victim:Victim continues: 'Then he made me wear a blindfold and reach into his pants to... look for the force.'

Chuck Taylor · Former Jedi Victim:Interviewer: 'Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?' Victim: 'I don't even know anymore!'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor offers comfort — 'Son, I know this is difficult for you, but... could you show me on the doll where he touched you?'

Chuck Taylor:'could you show me on the doll where he touched you? Point it out.'

Chuck Taylor:Chuck Taylor is so disturbed by what he sees that he screams at his cameraman: 'Can we cut tape? Miguel, you heard the man. Cut the goddamn tape! Just cut it!'

Former Jedi Victim · Chuck Taylor:Victim, sobbing: 'I was just young and curious.' — and the anchor sighs and delivers his wrap-up: 'We may never know what really happened'

Young Jedi:'I was just young and curious.' (sobbing)

Angry Young Geek · Chuck Taylor:A Star Trek fan interjects to defend the Federation: 'This never would've happened in the world of Star Trek 'cause the fleet commanders would not have allowed...' — anchor: 'you can't prove that!'

Chuck Taylor:Anchor closes the segment with a tease: 'When we come back... gay droid marriage, should it be legalized? This queer couple says yes.'

Dave Chappelle:Post-credits: 'I'm rich, bi-atch!' — honking horn — catchphrase button

Wu-Tang Financial:Final stinger: Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with — played over the end card