Great Moments in Hookup History

Dave Chappelle:I can't believe I'm still on the air, this is incredible.

Dave Chappelle:Armadale, for shizzle.

Damon Dash (parody) · Pam · Friend:Damon Dash sanitary pad commercial — 'Roca-pads is 30% more absorbent than the leading brand. So if your period is droppin', then, we catch it, y'know what I mean? It's the Roc, holler!'

Pam's Friend:Girl, I got something that'll keep your flow motherfucking tiz-ight!

Pam · Pam's Friend:Ooh, for shizzle, my bizzle. / What are you doing? / What? Nothing.

Husband · Pam:Husband walks in on wife in the bathroom, she freezes and says 'What? Nothing.'

Man · Woman:It's real shitty down here. / Oh, my... it's Redman.

Redman (parody) · Woman:Redman toilet bowl cleaner commercial — 'My shit is da bomb, bitch' as the product tagline.

Redman (parody):Redman explains the product: 'the enzymes and shit collaborate together, and make some kind of mixture and get all that shit, you got celery and lima beans and corn and chicken bones and shit in here.'

Redman (parody):'Flush the toilet with your pancake ass, bitch!' — Redman's final line to the woman in the commercial.

Redman (parody):'Redman Toilet Freshener, I'll get the brown out.' — final tagline delivered as the product slogan.

Narrator:The bar is named 'Areola 54'.

Narrator · Martin Johnson:Narrator: 'Martin Johnson had but one thing on his mind: A piece of ass.' — delivered in full NFL Films solemn documentary narration.

Martin Johnson:Martin's confessional talking head: 'I'd been on an eight-week losing streak, man. I needed to pull out a win and I needed it then.'

Narrator:Ashley Evans is introduced as 'affectionately known throughout the league as Smashly Evans'.

Bartender · Narrator:Bartender announces: 'Can anybody take this drunk, horny, crazy woman home?' — and a spotlight/train whistle immediately sounds.

Narrator:At that moment, Johnson heard the eminent whistle from the train of destiny. (train whistle sound)

Narrator:It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th interception of the year, living up to his reputation as one of the bad boys of the league.

Martin Johnson · Narrator:Hey, hey, you forgot your scarf. / But it wasn't her scarf. Young Ashley didn't even own a scarf, but was too drunk to realize it.

Narrator:When opportunity and quick thinking meet, the way they did that fateful night... that's a Great Moment In Hook-Up History.

Black Passenger:Black man on plane thinks: 'Man, of all the flights to be on, I gotta ride with them terrorist sons of bitches. I got my eye on you, Al Qaeda.'

White Passenger:White woman thinks about the Black men in first class: 'Must be rappers. I'd better keep an eye on Sara.'

Asian Passenger:Asian passenger thinks: 'Me no trust-em white man. Me better not go to bathroom. White man will steal my seat and call it Manifest Destiny.'

Narrator:'America the Beautiful' plays over the airplane while all passengers eye each other with mutual suspicion.

Dave Chappelle:White people are afraid to ask Black friends questions because they don't want to 'get beat the fuck up.'

Paul Mooney:Paul Mooney: 'Yeah, black people can jump high. You gotta jump, gotta do something when you're running from the police.'

Paul Mooney:Mooney's response: 'Black people walk like that 'cause we have style, we got flavor, we got rhythm. The black man in America is the most copied man on this planet, bar none.'

Paul Mooney:'Everybody wanna be a nigger, but nobody wanna be a nigger, how about that question?'

Paul Mooney:Carol Channing just admitted she was a [n-word], the rest of 'em need to break down and admit it too.

Toothless Questioner · Paul Mooney:Person with missing teeth asks why Black people like to smoke so much weed — Mooney's response: 'Well, I have a question for that nigga. Well, where are your teeth, nigga?'

Paul Mooney:'Don't ask me about drugs, ask Whitney and Bobby, don't ask me that question.'

Paul Mooney:Black people just like to party. They have that in their blood. And sometimes they can go overboard and it's real sad. And don't ask me about drugs, ask Whitney and Bobby, don't ask me that question.

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle watches Mooney's 'everybody wanna be a nigger' line on playback and says: 'Nigger, I am gonna get cancelled for sure.'

William (Host):The 'Inside the Actor's Studio' parody — pompous introduction describing Chappelle as 'a smooth, pimped-out player from the streets that knows how to get his.'

William (Host):Chappelle's first fictional film is 'Fighting Charlie with Mr. Charlie' — described as 'one of the most auspicious debuts in modern times' and 'Oscar-nominated'.

Private Jackson (Chappelle):War movie clip — Chappelle is shot and dying, pauses to call someone on a cell phone and asks them to 'tell 'em I got shot by some Chinese gangsters. I can describe 'em.'

Sergeant · Private Jackson (Chappelle):Sergeant tells dying Jackson to 'report to heaven at 0-800 hours, and that's an order.' Jackson responds: 'I'll tell 'em Uncle Sam sent me.'

Chappelle as Private Jackson · Sergeant:Permission to carry out one last mission, sir? / What is it, soldier? / Permission to die, Sarge.

Sergeant · Private Jackson (Chappelle):Sergeant screams 'Why, God, why?!' and Jackson corrects him: 'Don't ask God... ask Nixon.' Jackson then screams: 'Why, Nixon, why?!'

Private Jackson (Chappelle):Jackson's dying last words: 'I'd love some pussy before I go.' — delivered as a final deathbed confession.

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle) · Lady:My lady... hey! / My lord, I need to know, 'twas there another maiden in our bed? / Sayeth what?

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle):The Duke threatens: 'The last maiden that accused me of lying, I stuck my foot betwixt her buttocks so ravagely... that it broketh off and snappeth as the twig doth snap!'

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle):The Duke: 'I invite thee to come and watch me unsheath my sword and swing it and swing it upon thee! Bringeth!'

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle):So, my lady, I invite thee to come and watch me unsheath my sword and swing it and swing it upon thee! / Bringeth!

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle):The Duke soils himself mid-fight ('I've soiled my pantaloon') and immediately announces 'I'm going to get a bowl of cereal. You get some rest, ta-ta.'

Duke of Yorkville (Chappelle):It seems as though the boudoir, perhaps, won't be necessary. I've soiled my pantaloon. I'm going to get a bowl of cereal. You get some rest, ta-ta.

William (Host):Host: 'When Daniel Day-Lewis saw your performance in Little Foot, Long Foot, he threw up.'

Chappelle as Stanley:Short foot... Long foot... Little foot... Long foot... Ahh! / Sir, let me help you. / Ahh, get your damned hands off of me!

Stanley (Chappelle) · Helper:Man offers to help Stanley on the wet floor; Stanley screams: 'Shut up... oh!' and immediately slips.

Stanley (Chappelle) · Kid:Stanley screams at a kid offering to help: 'Shut your damn mouth, you pothead!' — the kid was just warning him about a skateboard on the floor.

Stanley (Chappelle):Stanley's fall plays in slow motion with elongated screaming audio: 'Aah... aah... aah!'

Stanley (Chappelle):After an extended slow-motion fall, Stanley arrives at a fast food counter and begins placing an elaborate order: 'May I have a double cheeseburger... a large fry... and something cold to drink?' — pausing between each item as if they are heroic declarations.

Chappelle as Stanley:May I have a double cheeseburger... a large fry... and something cold to drink?

Chappelle:If you let one drop hit this motherfuckin' waverunner, I'm a kick your motherfuckin' ass.

Wave Runner Guy:A man (apparently hosting a wave runner party of some kind) monologues: 'If you let one drop hit this motherfuckin' waverunner, I'm a kick your motherfuckin' ass... I should pee on y'all like R. Kelly.'

Chappelle:I should pee on y'all like R. Kelly.

Dave Chappelle:I'm rich, biatch! (horn honks)

Dave Chappelle:Blooper — Chappelle can't read the Roca-pads copy ('30 more absorbent than the leading brand') and breaks character laughing: 'I can't say that shit. Yo, let me see that...'

Dave Chappelle · Script Reader:Blooper — Chappelle corrects the script reader on '30% more absorbent': 'I know how to read, man. What the fuck is wrong with you?' delivered while still pretending to be an authority.

Sergeant · Chappelle as Private Jackson:You're so young, Jackson. / I'm only 19. / 19?! / N-n-n-n- nineteen.

Dave Chappelle · War Movie Actor:War movie blooper — after being shot, actor says 'You're so young, Jackson. I'm only 19.' The other actor responds: 'N-n-n-n-nineteen.' Chappelle from off-screen: 'Red, is my career down there?'

Chappelle:Red, is my career down there?