Mickey Abbott

Mickey:He was 4 feet last month. Now he's like 4'2" and a half. He shot up 2 and a half inches. I can do 4'2", 4'3" is a stretch.

Kramer · Mickey:I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes. / I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother's always hanging around.

Mickey:I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother's always hanging around. She won't let him have any.

Kramer · Mickey · Jerry:Can't you just switch with another midget? / It's 'little people.' / You got that? / Easy, Mickey. Easy.

Mickey · Kramer:The soap opera divorce scene plays out — stand-ins Mickey and Kramer performing the emotional child-parent separation scene

Kramer · Mickey:How do those lifts feel? / Quiet.

Tammy · Mickey:You look different. Have you been working out? / Not that I know of. / Whatever it is, keep doing it. You look great.

Mickey:I see it in our future. / See you, Kramer. / Bye, Mickey.

Kramer · Mickey:Oh, she likes you, buddy. / Yeah. Yeah. / All of a sudden.

Mickey:That little bastard. He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening.

Mickey · Kramer:This never would've happened if you didn't push me to get those. / Nobody put a gun to your head.

Mickey · Kramer:Yeah. Just keep out of my business, you big ape. / Who you calling 'big ape'? / I'm calling you an ape.

Mickey:He's always been jealous of me. I always got to stand in for the bigger stars. The Cosby kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.

Mickey:There's an unwritten code about this. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, everything.

Mickey · Johnny · Kramer:Rock, paper, scissors. Match. / Rock. / Rock. / I thought paper covered rock. / No. Rock flies right through paper. / Well, what beats rock? / Nothing beats rock.

Tammy · Mickey:Everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set. / Wait. Wait... / Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we've made over the years, and you blow it with a stupid stunt like that.

Mickey:I would've lost my job. Any one of you would've done the same. You got no right. I'm Mickey Abbot. I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing.

Mickey:I'm Mickey Abbot. I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing.

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer arrives in a full Santa suit: 'Well, look at you. You got the job. You're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department Store.'

Kramer · Mickey:On Prancer. On Dasher. On Donna. / It's not Donna. It's Donner. / It's Donna. / Right. On Prancer. On Dancer. On Ethel. On Harriet.

Kramer · Mickey:Hey, Mickey, when do we get a break? My lap is killing me. / There is no break. / This is like a sweatshop.

child · Kramer · Mickey:Hey, this guy is a commie! / Hey, kid, quiet. / Commie, commie, traitor to our country. / Santa is not a commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this, didn't he, Santa?

store manager · Kramer · Mickey:This guy's a commie, and he's spreading propaganda. / Oh, yeah? Well, that's enough, pinko. You're through. The both of you. / I got two kids in college. / Oh, you can't fire me. I'm Santa.

Mickey · Kramer:I knew that stuff was gonna get us in trouble. / Well, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue. / Communism. You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think's been going on in the world for the past 50 years? / Wake up and smell the coffee. / I guess I screwed up! / Oh, you sure did. Big time.

Mickey:He doesn't have to say anything. He just has to sit there.

Jerry · Mickey:I don't know. [beat] What are you thinking? You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore?

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer arrives late to the Actors Studio audition wearing the impossibly tight jeans instead of a businessman costume.

Mickey · Kramer:Kramer cannot sit down due to the tight jeans — Mickey repeatedly, increasingly desperately orders him to sit.

Mickey:Sit down, you big, stupid ape!

Mickey · Actors Studio judges (implied):Mickey, you were so incredible in that scene yesterday. The rage. Right. The rage. Tons of rage.

Mickey · Kramer:Why don't you just cut the pants and get them off? I'm breaking them in.

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer and Mickey in identical shirts arguing about double-dating — 'If we wear the same shirt, we'll look like idiots.'

Kramer · Mickey:How Kramer and Mickey decided who dates which girl — implied awkward nonverbal standoff after 'We just picked up two women at The Gap.'

Kramer · Mickey:The double-date dinner: Kramer and Mickey competing to impress their respective dates with increasingly random non-sequitur statements — 'Did I mention I'm a serious actor?' / 'I enjoy polo.' / 'I like the beach.' / 'My aunt has been, uh, ill of late.'

Kramer · Mickey · Waiter:Merlot escalation: 'I like merlot.' / 'I love merlot.' / 'I'm crazy about merlot.' / 'I live for merlot.' / 'We're out of merlot.'

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer and Mickey argue about who should have gotten in the car / who was holding the door — 'Who holds a door open for a man?'

Mickey · Kramer:Mickey: 'That's it. It's go time.' — followed by them nearly coming to blows over date assignment

Jerry · Kramer · Mickey:Jerry's solution: 'Show up early, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.' / 'Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?' / 'Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.' / 'No one wears the shirt next time.'

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer: 'I told you we should've got here a half-hour early.' — at the restaurant, seeing the women already seated with no clear assignment

Kramer · Mickey:Kramer: 'All right, I'll take Julie.' / Mickey: 'I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.' / Kramer: 'All right. I'll take Karen.' / Mickey: 'No. You think I'm falling for that?' — ending with: 'Which one is Julie?'

Kramer · Mickey:All right. Which one is Julie? / I don't know.

Kramer · Mickey:'Stop.' — apparently to prevent Kramer and Mickey from making a move toward the table; then a long beat before they approach

Mickey · George · Beth:Mickey barges in with exciting news: 'Karen and I are getting married.' / George: 'Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.' / Mickey: 'How many is that for you?' / 'Two.' / Mickey: 'Heh-heh, you're a lightweight. Come on, honey.'

Kramer · Mickey:Mickey and Kramer practice fake sneezing and retching in Jerry's apartment; Mickey asks to 'try a wetter sneeze'

Kramer · Mickey:Alright, let's practice retching. Ready? / I think the phone is ringing. / Would you hold it a second?!

Mickey:Gonorrhea? [Mickey's disappointed reaction to his disease assignment]

Mickey:Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright, I get to wear make-up!

Mickey:Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?

Mickey · Kramer:Wait a minute. What? You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you? / Well, we'll see.

Mickey:Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis!

Mickey:You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.

Mickey · Kramer:You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me! / Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.

Kramer · Mickey · Sophie:No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive. / You know? She's right.