The Race

Jerry:You know what I love? The day after Christmas, you see these Christmas trees just lying on the street. They're all dried out, needles everywhere. It's like a mob execution. The car slows down, and whoooosh—the tree just rolls out onto the curb.

Jerry:You notice how everyone's very nice to each other right before Christmas? Like there's this surge of good will. And then the day after Christmas, it's like someone switched a button. It's like everyone sobered up from a drinking binge. Like, 'What was I thinking? Why did I buy you a present?'

Jerry:You know what I just realized? We bring a tree into our house. A tree. From outside. We cut it down, drag it through the streets, and put it in our living room. And we act like this is completely normal.

Jerry:It's a dead tree. It's dropping needles everywhere. We're decorating a dead tree. With lights. In our house.

Jerry:If someone described this to you without context, you'd think they were insane.

Jerry:You know, Lois, I've been thinking about us.

Lois:What about us?

Jerry:I think we should see other people. It's not you, it's me. I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.

Lois:Wait, what?

Jerry:What? What did I say?

Elaine:This isn't what I ordered! I ordered the szechuan beef, not the kung pao chicken.

Chinese delivery:You order this. You pay for this.

Elaine:No, I specifically said szechuan beef. I'm not paying for this.

Chinese delivery:You on list now. Do-not-deliver list. You never get food from us again.

Elaine:What? You can't just put me on a list!

Chinese delivery:List is made. You on it. No more food.

Jerry:Well-read? I thought you said he was very well-Red. Like, Communist well-Red.

Jerry:So Ned, what's with the wardrobe? The gray shirt, the gray pants, the gray shoes...

Ned:What's wrong with gray?

Jerry:Nothing, nothing. It's just very... uniform. Very conformist. You know, that's very Communist of you.

Ned:Communist? I just like gray!

Jerry:That's exactly what a Communist would say.

Kramer:A Communist personal ad? That's perfect for me!

Jerry:Kramer, you're not a Communist.

Kramer:I am now! They say appearance is not important. Do you know what this means? I don't have to do anything!

Jerry:That's not what Communism means.

Kramer:From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I need a date, and my ability is showing up. It's perfect!

Jerry:I was this track star in high school. Everyone thought I was amazing.

George:You? A track star?

Jerry:Well, one time. There was this big race, and I got this incredible head start. I mean, I was flying.

Elaine:How'd you get a head start?

Jerry:I don't know! The gun went off, I was already three steps ahead. Nobody noticed. I won by a mile. Suddenly I'm a legend.

George:So your entire reputation was based on a mistake?

Jerry:An accidental head start that went completely unnoticed. I was the fastest guy in school for one day.

Jerry:Look, I appreciate the interest, but I'm not going to reduce myself to some... pedestrian display of athletic prowess. Racing is for people who haven't discovered the deeper complexities of the human condition. I'm trying to elevate myself above such base competitive instincts.

Lois:So how fast are you?

Jerry:Well, I'm faster than a speeding bullet.

Lois:Faster than a speeding bullet? That's incredible!

Jerry:I'm more powerful than a locomotive.

Lois:And able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

Jerry:Now you're just making stuff up.

Elaine:You're not... Communist, are you?

Ned:Yes, I am.

Jerry:You know, it's like Communism was a TV show that got cancelled. One day it's on the air, everybody's watching it, the next thing you know it's gone. No reruns, no nothing. Just gone.

Kramer:Appearance isn't important in Communist personals.

Jerry:Yeah, well that's because nobody cares what you look like. It's not that appearance doesn't matter—it's that YOUR appearance doesn't matter.

Kramer:Okay, Mickey, let's go through the reindeer names. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer...

Mickey:Donner.

Kramer:No, no, no. Donner is not a reindeer. Donner is a sandwich.

Mickey:What about Blitzen?

Kramer:Blitzen is good. But what about the others? Cupid, Comet, Vixen...

Mickey:Frank.

Kramer:Frank? There's no reindeer named Frank!

Mickey:There could be.

Kramer:No, there couldn't be. We're talking about Santa's reindeer, not your Uncle Frank.

Jerry:So you'll back me up on this?

George:Yeah, yeah, absolutely! Are you kidding me? This is the best idea I've ever heard! It's genius! Pure genius! You're a genius, Jerry! A GENIUS! I'm telling everyone about this. My mother, my father, everyone! This is the most brilliant thing anyone has ever come up with in the history of mankind!

Kramer:She doesn't speak English.

Kramer:So? Santa Claus doesn't speak English either. He speaks Santa.

Kramer:You know, Santa's got it rough. All those elves, working year-round in sweatshop conditions at the North Pole. No breaks, no benefits, just Christmas joy manufacturing.

Jerry:Kramer, they're elves. They're magical creatures.

Kramer:That doesn't make it right! A magical creature's still gotta eat!

Kramer:Yeah, well I've been doing some revolutionary work myself.

Kramer:I'm a temp. I go in, I shake things up, I don't follow their rules.

Kramer:Last week, I rerouted all the office supplies to the break room. It was beautiful.

Elaine:I need to get some new shirts. Let's go to the mall.

Ned:The mall? That's a monument to capitalist excess and consumer exploitation.

Elaine:It's just the mall, Ned.

Ned:Just the mall? Do you know how many sweatshops those companies use? How many rain forests they destroy?

Elaine:So what am I supposed to do, go naked?

Ned:You could make your own clothes. Use organic, sustainably-harvested materials.

Elaine:I'm not making my own shirts, Ned. I just need a few basic tops.

Kramer:You know, these Santas, they work one day a year. One day! And they got no benefits, no pension, nothing. It's exploitation!

Kramer:I'm starting a union. Santa's Local 632. We're gonna get them fair wages, healthcare, the whole thing.

Kramer:You can't have a guy in a red suit sitting in the cold for eight hours with no bathroom breaks. That's inhumane!

George:Jerry! What are you doing here?

Jerry:I could ask you the same thing.

George:Duncan! Duncan Meyers! Oh my God! Is that really you?

Duncan:Yeah, George, it's me.

George:I can't believe it! Look at you! You haven't changed a bit! Well, you've changed some. Your hair's different. You got new glasses. But other than that, you're exactly the same!

Duncan:So what's your act about?

Jerry:You know, observations. Things I notice about everyday life.

Duncan:Like what?

Jerry:Well, like... why do they call it a building if it's already built?

Duncan:That's it? That's your whole act?

Duncan:You're losing your hair.

George:I know.

George:My hair started falling out the moment I made my first million.

George:I'm an architect. I designed the addition to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Jerry:You did?

George:Well, I didn't design it, but I took credit for it.

Duncan:What are you doing in a place like this?

George:Well, I like to come to places like this. It keeps me grounded. Reminds me of where I came from.

George:Yeah, and then he passed the car on the right!

George:No wait, it was on the left. He was going really fast.

George:And then... and then this teacher I had in ninth grade, Mrs. Richardson, she was wearing this really tight sweater, and...

Jerry:George!

George:What? What did I say?

Jerry:I'm not racing Duncan again.

Lois:Oh come on, Jerry, you're not scared are you?

Jerry:No, I'm not scared. I just don't want to race.

Lois:Then race him. Prove you're not scared.

Jerry:That's circular logic!

Lois:Just go do it.

Jerry:It's like when you're a kid and you find out Santa isn't real. You know? There's that moment where you realize the whole thing is a lie. Well, that's what's happening to my running legend. Kids are growing up, they're finding out I'm not actually a great runner. They're finding out I'm just a regular guy who jogs sometimes.

Ned:Under Communism, there would be no delis.

Kramer:Why not?

Ned:Because pastrami and corned beef are upper class meats.

George:I'm not a Communist! I'm a Yankees fan!

Mr. Steinbrenner:That's what they all say, Costanza.

George:Wait, this is about Kramer, isn't it? His dating life has nothing to do with me!

Mr. Steinbrenner:Your friend was seen with a woman of questionable character.

George:So now I'm being persecuted at work because of who Kramer dates? What kind of country is this?

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Ned:My father was a Communist sympathizer in the 1950s. The FBI had him under surveillance for years.

Ned:They followed him everywhere - to work, to restaurants, even to his apartment building.

Ned:One day, a Chinese food delivery guy shows up at his door with the wrong order. My father says, 'This isn't what I ordered.'

Ned:The delivery guy says, 'Yeah, well the FBI ordered it. They've been monitoring all your calls.'

Elaine:The name is Ned.

Chinese Restaurant Host:Ned? We have no Ned here.

Elaine:Well, that's the name I gave.

Chinese Restaurant Host:No Ned. You come back later.

Kramer:You know, these Western corporate toy companies, they're just trying to brainwash the youth with their materialistic propaganda. What you really need is a nice, sensible Soviet-era wooden block set. Very educational. Teaches you about the collective good.

Kramer:You see, Santa Claus, he's not real. Your parents, they buy the presents and they put them under the tree.

Kid:So Santa's a communist?

Jerry:How can Duncan fire you? He's not even your boss.

Lois:He's not my boss, but he has the power to fire me.

Jerry:Well, that makes him your boss.

Lois:No, he's not my boss. He just has the power to determine whether I work here or not, that's all.

Jerry:And that makes him your boss.

Lois:No! A boss would have to be someone I report to.

Jerry:You're like a Communist. 'He's not my boss, but he controls my labor and decides my fate.' This is a dictatorship, Lois. You're living in a dictatorship.

Jerry:You're blacklisted from the Chinese restaurant? What are you, un-American?

Ned:I ordered sesame chicken and didn't pick it up. Now they won't take my order.

George:This is like the House Un-American Activities Committee, but with lo mein.

Ned:I'm being persecuted for my takeout sins.

Kramer:You gotta go in there, confess, name names. Tell them who else ordered and didn't pick up.

Steinbrenner:You're a communist?

George:No, no, I'm not a communist.

Steinbrenner:Then what's all this about?

George:It was a misunderstanding.

Steinbrenner:Well, you know, if you were a communist, that would explain a lot. But I'll tell you what — if you could get me some of those Cuban baseball players, we could really use them on the Yankees.

Steinbrenner:I need Cuban cigars. Not for me, for my humidor collection. You see, it's not about smoking them—it's about the ring. The band around the cigar. Do you know how important that is? The ring tells a story. It's got the country of origin, the brand, sometimes a date. I've got Montecristos from '82, Cohibas that cost more than your car. But here's the thing nobody understands: the ring has to be perfectly centered. Perfectly. One millimeter off and it ruins the entire aesthetic of the collection. I've spent forty years perfecting my humidor, and every single cigar in there is positioned at exactly forty-five degrees. The rings all face forward. It's like a museum. People come to my office, they don't even notice. But I notice. That's what separates the men from the boys in this world—the attention to detail. The ring.

Mickey:The Cold War? Kramer, where have you been? It's the war between the United States and the Soviet Union. They have nuclear weapons pointed at us, we have nuclear weapons pointed at them. It's been going on for forty years!

Kramer:Oh.

Mickey:Oh? OH?! That's all you can say? 'Oh'? Do you understand what I'm telling you? We could all be dead tomorrow!

Kramer:Well, why didn't anybody tell me about this?

Jerry:I can't believe I'm actually winning this race!

Jerry:All those years of people thinking I was a phony, and look at me now - I'm dominating!

Castro:You know what I hate about these parties? Standing while you eat. My feet are killing me.

George:Yeah, well at least you get to eat. I've been standing here for three hours with nothing but a cocktail weenie.

Castro:You think you have problems? I run a country! I can't even sit down at my own state dinners.

Elaine · Ned:So what if I wanna open a delicatessen? / There are no delicatessens under Communists. / Whoa, why not? / Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've got pastrami and corned beef in one, and salami and bologna in another. Not right. / So you can't get corned beef? / Well, you know, if you're in the politburo, maybe.

George:Yeah, this is George Costanza. Any messages for me? / Why does Mr. Steinbrenner wanna see me in his office? / Communist? I'm not a Communist.

Jerry:Hello. / Oh, hi, Duncan. No. Four o'clock tomorrow, that is not going to work. / Why? I'll tell you why. / Because I choose not to run.

Elaine · Ned:I'm sorry, Elaine. This shirt's too fancy. Just because you're a Communist, you can't wear anything nice? / You look like Trotsky. / Good.

Elaine:Fine. You wanna be a Communist? Be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist?

Elaine · Ned:I'm gonna order Chinese food. / You're ordering from Hop Sing's? / Does it have to be Hop Sing's? I kind of had a fight with them.

Ned · Elaine:Elaine, when my father was blacklisted, he couldn't work for years. He and his friends used to sit in Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive. / Your father was blacklisted? / Yes, he was. And you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. They named names.

Elaine · Chinese restaurant worker:Yeah, hi. I'd like a delivery, please, to 16 West 75th Street. Apartment 2G. / I know that address. You're Benes, right? You're on our list. No more deliveries! / No, no. She doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else. / Oh, yeah? What's the name? / Why do you need a name? You already have the address. / We need a name. Give us a name. / Okay, okay. Ned Isaacoff.

child · Kramer:I want a racing car set. / A racing car set? Listen. You don't want that. Those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you.

Kramer:And these Coleman pigs, they sell it for triple the cost. / But I want a racing car set. / No. Don't you see, kid? You're being bamboozled. These capitalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.

child · Kramer · Mickey:Hey, this guy is a commie! / Hey, kid, quiet. / Commie, commie, traitor to our country. / Santa is not a commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this, didn't he, Santa?

Kramer:Where did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that?

store manager · Kramer · Mickey:This guy's a commie, and he's spreading propaganda. / Oh, yeah? Well, that's enough, pinko. You're through. The both of you. / I got two kids in college. / Oh, you can't fire me. I'm Santa.

store manager:Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here!

Lois · Jerry:He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me. / What? He can't do that. / Yes, he can. / He controls the means of production.

Chinese restaurant worker · Elaine · Ned:I knew it was you. You tried to trick Hop Sing. / You're on our list. Elaine Benes. / And now you're on our list. Ned Isaacoff.

Ned:She named name.

Steinbrenner · George:George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist. / A Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.

Steinbrenner · George:A Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization. / Sir? / You could be invaluable to this franchise.

Steinbrenner:There's a southpaw nobody's been able to get a look at. Something-Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. Get yourself to Havana right away.

Steinbrenner:Good. Merry Christmas, George. Bring me back some cigars in the cedar boxes. The ones with the fancy rings. Love those rings. They distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. Looks good against the brown of the cigar. I like the maduro wrapper. The darker, the better. That's what I say. The claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. Almost like a milky coffee. I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters, which I don't understand.

Mickey · Kramer:I knew that stuff was gonna get us in trouble. / Well, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue. / Communism. You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think's been going on in the world for the past 50 years? / Wake up and smell the coffee. / I guess I screwed up! / Oh, you sure did. Big time.

Lois · Jerry:So will you come to Hawaii with me, Jerry? / Maybe I will, Lois. Maybe I will.

George · Castro:You wanted to see me, el presidente? / Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players. Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request. But I have heard you are, how you say, communista simpatico.

Castro:And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential Palace. There will be girls there. And I hear some pretty good food. Of course, the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up, which I don't care for. But on the other hand, I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either.

Castro:Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. If I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.