The Secretary

Jerry:Why do women wear fur coats? So they look like beautiful animals. But they're already taking all the hair off their bodies. They're removing every hair from their body with wax and razors and chemicals. So why would you then wrap yourself in fur? You're like a hairless cat wearing a dead beaver.

Jerry:The only logical use for fur clothing is as a hunting disguise. You put on a bear suit, you walk up to another bear, the bear thinks you're a bear. But then you gotta commit. You can't just stand there. You gotta do bear things. You gotta go find some honey, climb a tree, scratch your back on a tree. The bear's watching you going, 'That's not how we do it.' And if you mess up even once, that bear's gonna know you're not a bear. He's gonna attack you. And he's gonna rip your head clean off your body.

Jerry:A moose sees a hunter in camouflage and thinks, 'Oh look, a bush with a gun. How clever. I've never seen that before.' And then when there's two hunters together, the moose is like, 'Oh wow, two-headed tigers with knees. That's new.'

George:I'm getting a secretary! Finally, someone to help me organize my work.

Jerry:Wait, so you're hiring someone to do your job for you?

George:No, no, she's just going to help me with the administrative stuff.

Jerry:But George, you don't do anything. You're going to need a secretary for your secretary.

George:I think I'm gonna try the opposite. I used to do the opposite of every instinct I had.

Jerry:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:I'm going in.

Elaine:You're really gonna do this?

George:Yeah, I'm gonna do it. If I don't do this now, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

George:Hello, my name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Elaine:My God, that's gold, Jerry! Gold!

George:I'm doing a complete 360.

Jerry:A 360? Don't you mean a 180?

George:Whatever.

Jerry:Yeah, well, we've met before.

Donna:I got this jacket at a great price. The houndstooth pattern really flatters me.

Donna:You know, the pattern is so busy up top that nobody notices my chest isn't as big as it used to be.

George:I'm sorry, I... I completely forgot your name.

Secretary:It's on my resume.

George:Right, of course. I just... sometimes when I'm nervous, I blank on things. Especially with someone as attractive as you.

George:You know, I appreciate you coming in, but I don't think you're right for the job.

George:It's not you, it's... well, actually it is you. Your qualifications just aren't there.

George:And frankly, your whole presentation is off. The way you're sitting, the way you're looking at me...

George:And that blouse! What are you trying to prove with that blouse? And I'm guessing the bra underneath isn't helping matters!

Jerry:So what you're saying is, it looked hotsy-totsy in the store, but when you got it home, it was hotsy-notsy.

Jerry:Because no one would want to work for you.

George:Perhaps.

George:I hired Ada. She's very efficient. She does all the work, I take all the credit.

George:I don't have to do any work, I don't have to do the dishes, I don't have to worry about sexual harassment suits.

Jerry:What is that? You look like a side of beef hanging in a butcher shop.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I'm serious, you look like prosciutto.

Elaine:This woman at Barneys complimented my outfit. She said, 'That's a great outfit.'

Jerry:She was probably just rushing to the register. She didn't get a good look at you.

George:It's Demi, like a demi-god. Half god, half human.

Jerry:Right.

George:So Demi Moore is half Moore.

Elaine:Half Moore?

George:Yeah, like a semi-truck. Semi Moore!

Jerry:You know what it is? Skinny mirrors. That's what they have at Barneys. They make you look thinner. It's a conspiracy. They want you to buy the clothes.

Elaine:Skinny mirrors?

Jerry:Yeah, they stretch you vertically and compress you horizontally. It's like a fun house mirror, but for shopping. You look great, you buy the outfit, you get home, and boom — you're back to normal size.

Jerry:I'm not buying moisturizer for you!

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because that's girl stuff!

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? So I don't buy girl stuff. I'm a man.

Kramer:What are you talking about? Moisturizer is not girl stuff.

Jerry:You're right, you're right. I use it myself. I have very dry skin. My dermatologist recommended it. I'll pick some up for you.

George:Ada, you're incredibly efficient. You handle everything so well.

Ada:Well, I do my best. I keep detailed records of everything - expenses, supplies, even the cost per ounce of the oil they use for the popcorn at the stadium.

George:The stadium popcorn oil?

Ada:Yes. Did you know it's actually 40% more expensive than regular cooking oil? And they go through approximately 200 gallons per game. That's roughly $8,000 a season just in popcorn oil costs.

George:So, um, Ada... I was wondering if maybe you'd like to, uh, go out sometime. Just the two of us.

Ada:Well, that might be doable.

George:Doable? What do you mean 'doable'? Either you want to or you don't.

Ada:I mean it's something I could work into my schedule.

Kramer:Uma Thurman? That's a kavorca!

Jerry:Is that my jacket?

Kramer:It could be.

Jerry:What do you mean 'it could be'? That's my jacket!

Kramer:Well, maybe your dry cleaner's been wearing it.

Jerry:My dry cleaner? He's wearing my clothes?

George:We need to optimize this. I've been thinking we could save time if we just... you know, streamline the whole thing. Maybe a checklist?

Ada:A checklist?

George:Yeah, it's more efficient. In, out, done. No wasted motion.

Ada:That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

George:Yes! Yes! Yes! I got the raise! I got the raise!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You went into your boss's office, told him you deserved a raise, he said no, and then you just... left?

George:Well, yes.

Jerry:You didn't negotiate? You didn't follow up? You just accepted his rejection and walked out?

George:I was flustered!

Jerry:George, that's not how you ask for a raise. You have to be confident. You have to make them understand your value.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

George:I didn't think ahead.

George:I can't go back in there. I promised him a raise and I can't deliver.

Jerry:So don't go back in there.

George:What do you mean? I have to go back in there, I work there!

Jerry:No you don't. You just think you do. There's no law that says you have to show up to work.

George:Jerry, there are laws. Labor laws.

Jerry:Those are just guidelines, George. Just don't show up tomorrow.

George:I can't just not show up.

Jerry:Why not? You're taking a personal day.

George:For how long?

Jerry:Forever. You never go back.

Jerry:So how long did Ada work there?

George:Three days.

Jerry:Three days?

George:Yeah, it was almost a week.

Elaine:These are skinny mirrors! They make you look thinner!

Elaine:I'm going to report this to the department of... whatever!

Kramer:I got this great moisturizer. It's got UVA protection.

Jerry:UVA protection? What does that have to do with a date?

Kramer:UVA, Jerry. U-V-A. The ladies love it.

Bania:I'm a size 42.

Kramer:A size 42? That's huge!

Bania:I know, I'm a big guy.

Kramer:This suit is a classic. One owner, barely worn. Italian silk, hand-stitched. You won't find another one like it.

Bania:I'll take it.

Kramer:So?

George:She's really struggling financially. I mean, she can barely afford to eat. Yesterday she had to make lunch at home instead of buying it at the cafeteria.

Mr. Steinbrenner:A cafeteria lunch? How much does that cost?

George:Oh, I don't know, three fifty, four bucks...

George:Mr. Steinbrenner, my mother's friend Ada, she's going through terrible financial hardship. Her electricity's been shut off, she can barely afford to eat.

Steinbrenner:That's a shame, Costanza. You know what I do when money's tight? I make sandwiches at home instead of eating out. Saves a fortune.

Jerry:So Willie, you go to the movies a lot?

Willie:Oh yeah, I love movies.

Jerry:You ever go to the 9:30 show?

Willie:We have a code at the dry cleaners.

Jerry:A code? What code? It's a dry cleaners, not a speakeasy.

George:Wait, your secretary makes more than you?

Ada:She got a raise.

George:How much more?

Ada:Fifteen thousand dollars more a year.

George:Fifteen thousand?! Your secretary makes fifteen thousand dollars more than you do?

Ada:She's very efficient.

George:She's efficient? I'm a real estate developer! I went to college!

Elaine:Oh my God. I'm hip-y.

Jerry:Wait, you sold my clothes to Bania?

Kramer:He needed them!

Jerry:My clothes? You can't just sell my clothes!

Kramer:I found Uma Thurman's number on the dry cleaning stub in the pocket.

Jerry:What?!

Kramer:Yeah, it was right there the whole time. You had Uma Thurman's number and you didn't even know it.

Jerry:You're selling all your clothes?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm starting over. New life, new wardrobe.

Jerry:But Kramer, you can't just sell your clothes and expect everything to change.

Kramer:Why not? It's worked for me before.

Jerry:When has it ever worked?

Kramer:Well... it hasn't. But I'm not giving up.

Elaine:I didn't wear it outside.

Salesperson:Oh, so it snowed in here?

Bania:This moisturizer, it's ruined me! My face is all soft now. The guys at work are saying I look like I've been taking care of myself.

Bania:Taking care of myself? What am I, some kind of nancy-boy? Nancy-boy cream!

Jerry:So you'll come to the movie?

Bania:Well, I don't know. What kind of movie is it?

Jerry:It's a good movie. You'll like it.

Bania:Yeah, but you gotta throw in dinner.

Jerry:Dinner? I'm already giving you the ticket.

Bania:I know, but I'm hungry. And I want it to be a nice place.

Jerry:Fine, fine. Dinner at a nice place.

Bania:And I want you to pay for parking.

Jerry:Parking? What else?

Bania:And I want to go twice.

Steinbrenner:You know, I've been thinking about cupcakes. Vanilla or chocolate, that's what everybody says. Vanilla or chocolate. But what if... what if you combined them? Vanilla on the outside, fudge on the inside. You'd have the best of both worlds.

Kramer:The moisturizer, it's breaking down the cellular walls. See, the skin is like a big sponge, and the moisture, it's seeping in, and it's causing the fibers to separate.

Jerry:That's not what's happening.

Kramer:No, no, I'm telling you, it's a chemical reaction. The cream is too potent. You gotta dilute it with water.

Willie · Jerry:Jerry, that's a breach of the dry cleaner's code. / You need a code to tell you not to wear people's clothes?

Bania:This is the best pea soup I've ever had.

Bania:The best! The best!

Jerry:It's pea soup, Bob.

Bania:The best pea soup. The best!

Jerry:So you're saying we go to Monk's, we're committing to a certain type of meal. We're locked in. But if we go to that new place, we're taking a chance. We could have an amazing meal, or it could be a disaster.

Bania:So it's a gamble.

Jerry:It's not a gamble, it's a calculated risk based on multiple variables including ambiance, menu diversity, and reputation.

Bania:A gamble.

Jerry:I have a date with Uma.

Bania:Uma Thurman? Well, I hope she's good-looking.

Jerry:You ever notice how restaurants have these things called 'specials'? If it's so special, why isn't it on the menu? You know what that tells me? It's the stuff they couldn't sell. It's a way of getting rid of food. 'We got some fish here, been sitting around since Tuesday. Let's make it a special.' Nobody wants it at regular price, so we knock a buck fifty off and suddenly it's special.

Jerry:They describe everything like it's the most important thing you've ever eaten. 'Our sea urchin is delicately poached in a reduction of saffron and tears of a mermaid.' It's a sea urchin! Just tell me if it's good!

Jerry:I went to a restaurant the other day, they had this on the menu: 'Chicken, air-dried for 47 days in a Tibetan monastery, then slowly massaged back to life.'

Kramer · Jerry:I lost Uma's number. / Where are your clothes? / I told you, I sold them to Bania. / You mean what you were wearing? / Yeah. / How'd you expect to get out of here? / Well, I didn't think ahead.

Elaine:I don't know. I have to think about it. / I need a nonpartisan mirror.

Elaine · Barneys Employee:That's preposterous. / Well, I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.

Bania:Your nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets. Suit's ruined.

Jerry · Bania:You give me the ticket... and I will take you out for a nice dinner. / Can we go back to Mendy's? / You wanna go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's. / Twice. I wanna go twice.

George:But, Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly knowing that my subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect, sir, it's out of whack.

Steinbrenner:I understand what you're saying. I know what it's like to be strapped. As a young man in Cleveland, I hitchhiked to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. Think that smells good? Try being cooped up in one of those babies. I couldn't look at a doughnut for two years.

Kramer:The dry-cleaning number's gone too. It must have been the botanical extracts.

Jerry · Bania:Hey, Bania, the dinner's off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. / You trying to get out of Mendy's?

Jerry:Hey, isn't that my mother's fur coat?

Woman wearing fur coat:What, do you think the dry cleaner's is your personal closet?

Willie · Donna:Hey, Donna, can you get the salt stain out of this? / Let me see. Piece of cake. Bring it in. What size is it?

Bania · Jerry:This soup is great. / Yeah, it's very good. / I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best, Jerry. The best.

Bania · Jerry:You know, Jerry, I was thinking... for our next meal, do you think we should come here or should we go someplace else? / It has its pros and cons.

Jerry · Bania:Let's hurry. I gotta go. I'm meeting a woman for a drink. / Oh, and who might that be? / Some woman named Uma. / I got her number off that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking.

Jerry:If you are a waiter or a waitress and you see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't wanna hear about the specials.

Jerry:My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu.

Jerry:You know what's special? They don't know if anybody likes them.

Jerry:The veal is lightly slapped... and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite... with a white-wine intravenous.