George Steinbrenner (voice)

George · Steinbrenner:I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 20 years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

Steinbrenner:Hire this man.

George · Steinbrenner:Mr. Steinbrenner, can I talk to you for a second? / Yes. Yes, George. Can you talk to me? Of course you can. I'm a very accessible man.

George · Steinbrenner:She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in high school cafeterias. She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic. / What does that cost? Two and a quarter?

Steinbrenner:She'd be better off making a sandwich and bringing it.

Steinbrenner:I had a bout of that myself one time, knocked me right on my ass... Sure, I like a cupcake every now and then like everybody else. You know, I like it when they have a little cream inside. It's a surprise. That's good. Plus, the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I can't even make up my mind. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together. Make a vanilla-fudge.

Steinbrenner:I understand what you're saying. I know what it's like to be strapped. As a young man in Cleveland, I hitchhiked to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. Think that smells good? Try being cooped up in one of those babies. I couldn't look at a doughnut for two years.

Steinbrenner · George:George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist. / A Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.

Steinbrenner · George:A Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization. / Sir? / You could be invaluable to this franchise.

Steinbrenner:There's a southpaw nobody's been able to get a look at. Something-Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. Get yourself to Havana right away.

Steinbrenner:Good. Merry Christmas, George. Bring me back some cigars in the cedar boxes. The ones with the fancy rings. Love those rings. They distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. Looks good against the brown of the cigar. I like the maduro wrapper. The darker, the better. That's what I say. The claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. Almost like a milky coffee. I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters, which I don't understand.

Steinbrenner:I don't know what the hell is going on here.

George · Steinbrenner:Well, I was thinking it's time for George's lunch. / Yes, it is. All right. Let's see, what do I have today? Oh, darn it. It's ham and cheese again.

Steinbrenner:And she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You could put that mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. She made up for it with a cupcake.

Steinbrenner:I got a new system of eating these. I used to peel off the chocolate. Now I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. It's almost a dessert dessert.

Steinbrenner:George, by the way, tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

Steinbrenner:George, this is beautiful! Why didn't you tell me you were gonna have it mounted like this? You were probably just gonna stick it in an envelope.

Steinbrenner · George:George is summoned to Steinbrenner's office and given Morgan's job; Steinbrenner's list of fired managers: Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin [x4], Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Stump Merrill, Bob Lemon, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter...

Steinbrenner · George:...Gene Michael, Buck Showalter... — Uh, George! — You didn't hear that from me. — George?

Steinbrenner · George:Word has it you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit. — Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain... — We all get a little cuckoo. I used to be like you. Berating personnel, calling managers on the field during a game. Threatening to move the team to New Jersey to upset people.

Steinbrenner:Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George. Hot tub.

Steinbrenner:I get my wife to stick her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. The Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh, God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. Put it in again, it slips out again.

Steinbrenner:You wanna get something wild going on in your life, get a girl and bring her in one of these. It's like four shots of Wild Turkey. She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy.

Steinbrenner:Terrible about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know, we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much.

Wilhelm · Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner sees the bashed car and blood: 'Obviously he was in some sort of a terrible car accident, and trouper that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.'

Steinbrenner · Wilhelm:Steinbrenner: 'He's dead. Costanza's dead.' / 'As quickly as he came, he's gone. The poor little guy.' / 'Easy, Big Stein, get it together.'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner: 'And line up some candidates to fill that assistant position. We can't grieve forever. Gotta get back to business. Back to business, Wilhelm.'

Steinbrenner · Frank Costanza · Estelle Costanza:Steinbrenner personally shows up at the Costanza house to deliver news of George's 'death.'

Estelle Costanza · Steinbrenner:Mrs. Costanza: 'I can't believe it. He was so young. How could this have happened?' Steinbrenner: 'He'd been logging heavy hours. First one in, last one to leave. The kid was a human dynamo.'

Estelle Costanza · Steinbrenner:Estelle: 'Are you sure you're talking about George?' — beat — Steinbrenner: 'You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?'

Frank Costanza · Steinbrenner:Frank Costanza explodes at Steinbrenner: 'What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for? He had 30 home runs and over 100 RBIs last year. He's got a rocket for an arm. You don't know what the hell you're doing!'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner: 'Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those.'

Steinbrenner:Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those.

Steinbrenner · George:George didn't get the promotion because he was 'dead.' Steinbrenner: 'You were dead. We couldn't sit on our hands. We had to make a move.'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner: 'And I can tell you this; Chaos does not work for the New York Yankees. Not as long as I'm running the show!'

Steinbrenner:Are you out of your mind? You'd suffocate in there. You're lucky to have doors.

Steinbrenner · George:Costanza, what is that you're eating? Looks pretty tasty. ... Big Stein wants a little taste. Come on. Pass it down. That's a good boy.

Steinbrenner:Eggplant, huh? That's a hell of a thing. ... That eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I've got eggplant on my mind.

Steinbrenner:From 1973 to 1982, I ate the exact same lunch every day. Turkey chilli in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl. You eat the chilli, then you eat the bowl. Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just a table.

Steinbrenner:I haven't had a pimple since I was 18. I don't care if you believe me. And how's this? You're fired. Okay, you're not. I'm just a little hungry. I'm sorry.

Steinbrenner:That smell. I know that smell. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building. And he's not in this office. He's got the calzone! Costanza! I catch you, I'm killing you, Costanza!

Steinbrenner:What did he do with it? It's gotta be here. I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

Steinbrenner:What did he do with it? It's gotta be here. I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

Steinbrenner · George:These clothes. Costanza, how come these clothes smell like calzones? — My friend put them in the pizza oven. — Put them in a pizza oven? What for? — To heat them up.

Steinbrenner:That is not a bad idea. What about this? We'll put all the uniforms in pizza ovens before the game. That's fantastic. Keep those muscles loosey-goosey. This could be big. Clean up this mess, will you? Big Stein's onto something. I smell a pennant!

Steinbrenner:I got a flash for you, young man. You're non compos mentis. You got some bats in the belfry. Come in here, George. This is Herb and Dan. They're gonna take you to where you can get some help. Very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there. Man was obsessed with lactating women. They cured him. Although he eats a lot of cheese.

George · Steinbrenner:But you see-- You see, I didn't write that report. That's not mine. Of course you didn't. You didn't write it. I didn't do it! It just got done! I don't know how it got done but it did! Of course, it got done. Things get done all the time. I understand. Your job will be waiting for you when you get back. Get better, George! Get better!

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner: 'My brother-in-law was there. Man was obsessed with lactating women. They cured him. Although he eats a lot of cheese.'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner wanders into the office looking for George and ends up humming a song he can't identify, reading People magazine.

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner's garbled attempt at the song: 'She's a heartbreaker, a love-taker, Brubaker run this prison like a man.'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner has been entertaining random children in George's office for 3.5 hours while waiting. 'Who are you people? Come here. How about a ride on the Stein-pony express!'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner's mangled song version with the children: 'Heartbreaker, love-taker, Shoemaker, won't you fix my shoes for free?'

Assistant · Steinbrenner:Mr. Steinbrenner, we received a call. There's a bomb in the building. / Thank God.

George · Steinbrenner:The bomb threat works — Steinbrenner tells everyone to get under the desk, only to find George already there.

Steinbrenner · George:'Can you imagine what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't room under that desk for me and my babies?' / 'You have ESP. Quick, George, put a thought in my mind.' / 'Meatballs, huh? Unbelievable. You're a wonder, George.'

Steinbrenner · George:The terrorist's specific demand: no more cheap adjustable hats for Hat Day. He wants fitted hats like the players wear.

Steinbrenner · George:George and Steinbrenner discuss whether it's 'February' or 'Febuary' in the middle of the terrorist crisis.

George (as terrorist) · Steinbrenner:You know, about those hats, I think maybe I changed my mind. / You don't want them? They're gone. Goodbye.

Steinbrenner:'When someone's unstable, don't stir the pot. Know what I'll do? Run around the stadium, closing windows. That's what I'm doing, pal. And I'll tell you something else: I am very nervous!'

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner is still humming the song when he notices the ticking: 'What's that ticking?' / 'Fire in the hole!'

Steinbrenner:The bomb squad searches for a bomb. Steinbrenner: 'Wait. What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?'

Steinbrenner · Bomb Squad:The bomb squad discovers the hidden compartments of George's desk and blows them up: 'Okay boys, let it rip.'

Steinbrenner:'I'll tell you what, starting tomorrow, no more desks. Just a Lucite table and four legs.'

George · Steinbrenner:George is called in about the meeting — he's already packed his desk and is ready to leave — but Steinbrenner says what happened is 'exactly what this organization needed'

Steinbrenner:'Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man with little-girl legs.'

Steinbrenner:'And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan, huh? What do you make of that?'

Kramer · Steinbrenner:Kramer puts on Lou Gehrig's pants from the Hall of Pride and worries the nerve disease might be contagious: 'Better take them off. I'm too important to this team. Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.'

Wilhelm · Steinbrenner · George:Wilhelm steps forward to take the blame for George's parking-lot rampage, claiming he ordered George to insult everyone

Steinbrenner:'I cannot believe that you, Body-Suit Man, could perpetrate such a disloyal deed. It breaks my heart to say it. Who am I kidding? I love it.'

Steinbrenner:'Wilhelm, you're fired.'

Steinbrenner:'I'm not going to the game today. I'm going to go outside and scalp some tickets. Owner's box. That's gotta bring in 40 bucks, no problem.'

Steinbrenner:Days with the New York Yankees, nights in Arkansas with a top-flight bird outfit. And a hen supervisor, to boot. I am blown. Blown away. Blown, George. Blown!

Steinbrenner:Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here. I wanna talk about George Costanza. / Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.

Don Tyler · Steinbrenner:How do you make that alcoholic chicken? They ferment, just like anything else. That stuff sounds great. All right, I'll have Costanza on the next bus.